HUMOR Digest - 26 Oct 1997 to 27 Oct 1997
There are 6 messages totalling 307 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Business World
  2. TV Haircut <Racist ???>
  3. Translation tidbits from Hong Kong Movie Subtitles
  4. Humor - Ask The Public Library
  5. Quips & Quotes
  6. Children

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Date:    Sun, 26 Oct 1997 02:51:38 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Business World

* In the business world, a Senior Manager is expected to know a
  little something about a lot of things.  A Manager is expected
  to know everything about something.  The secretaries however,
  are expected to know everything about everything.
                                - - - - -

* We've all had some "unusual" bosses, I know, but I had one one
  time who was more than just a bit "eccentric".  He had two signs
  on his desk:
    1) "In this Office, the word 'No' is a complete sentence"
    2) "Reduce Stress by being reasonable -- Do it my way"
                                - - - - -

* Executive to employee: "I can't approve your expense account this
  month Smithers, but we'd like to buy the fiction rights to it."
                                - - - - -

*   Back before men were allowed anywhere near a delivery room, one
  executive, never one to waste time, took his paperwork with him to
  the waiting room in the hospital's Maternity Ward.  As the other
  expectant Fathers paced, he sat there buried in paper.
    Several hours later a Nurse appeared and spoke to him, "It's a
  boy, sir." she announced.
    "Well !?!?" snapped the exec, without even looking up from his
  work, "Find out what he wants.  I'm busy !"
                                - - - - -

*   In the days before PCs or terminals, large companies used wall
  charts for their graphics.  One importer of Mate, a leaf used to
  make a tea-like drink, had a large map of South America where the
  leaf is grown.  On the map were pins with strings and tags which
  resembled those on a tea bag.  Each tag had a name on it.
    The manager called a rep over, reached up to the map and grasped
  a pin near Porto Alegre.  "Sam," he said, "I'm not going to fire you,
  but to illustrate the insecurity of your position around here, I'm
  going to loosen your pin a little."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sun, 26 Oct 1997 20:55:12 GMT+2
From:    "M.Schyff" <schyffm@KBPNFS03.ESKOM.CO.ZA>
Subject: TV Haircut <Racist ???>

This black guy walks into a barber shop for a haircut, twenty minutes
later he has the best haircut he has ever seen in his entire life.
"How much is it?" he asked. "Five bucks", came the reply.
"What do you call this haircut?"
"It's called a Tee-Vee."

Later the black guy meets a white pal of his.
White guy : Great haircut, where did you get it?
Black guy : At the barber around the corner.
WG: Excellent man. I'll get one myself. How much was it?
BG : Five bucks. But ask for the Tee-Vee haircut.

So the white guy goes and gets his haircut.
He too is exceptionally ecstatic with the results. After paying his
five bucks, the two pals leave together.

Later they bump into a colored pal.
CG : Hey great haircut Guys. Where did you get it?
BG : At the barber at the end of the road.
CG : What do you call it?
WG : It's a new style, called a Tee-Vee haircut.
CG : Great. I think I'll go there right now and get myself this
fantastic haircut. How much does it cost?
BG : Only five bucks.

So the colored guy goes and gets his hair cut as well. After the job,
he is also well and truly satisfied with the results. So he was more
than happy to hand over the five bucks.

"Sorry, Pal." says the barber. "It costs fifteen dollars."
"WHAT" exclaims the colored guy.
"The other two guys paid five bucks each!!!!!!"
"Well, yes," replied the barber"
"But everyone knows that a colored TV costs more than a black and white!!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 26 Oct 1997 11:39:52 -0800
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Translation tidbits from Hong Kong Movie Subtitles

[Thanks to Martin Lubin <MLUBIN@compuserve.com> and Rachel Esner, resner]

>From: "Society of English-Native-Speaking Editors"
        and Frederick William Gerke

Below is a list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong
Kong. Consider yourself warned.

1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

3. Gun wounds again?

4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.

8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice
    chicken.

11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

12. You daring lousy guy.

13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!

14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.

15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?

19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am
    sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them
    out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.

20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short
    rabbits  and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist
    for a thorough extermination.

21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up
    together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate
    feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu

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Date:    Sun, 26 Oct 1997 16:54:43 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Ask The Public Library

 The Houston Public Library's telephone reference service gets all kinds of
questions, including:

 - What is the weight of the Empire State Building?

 - Why do the nine planets revolve around the sun?

 - Who was the heaviest governor in U.S. history?

 - When are mosquito-awareness classes being held?

 - Where can I buy blue sandals for a 1-year-old?

 - Where is the Canadian World Turtle Derby held?

 - What do you give at a baby shower?

 - Can I wear a velvet dress to a wedding in August?

 One of the most frequently asked questions concerns the names of the seven
dwarfs in Snow White. (They are Bashful, Doc, Dopey, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy
and Sneezy.)

 -- CAROL RUST -- Houston Chronicle

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 26 Oct 1997 16:14:03 -0800
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Quips & Quotes

Today, watching television often means fighting, violence and foul
language -- and that's just deciding who gets to hold the remote
control.  --Donna Gephart

Beauty is only skin deep.  But ugly -- now that's probably got some
nasty roots on it.  --Crabby Road

He drops more names than a telephone book with bad binding.  --Michel
Marriott

She talks so fast that trying to interject is like threading the needle
of a sewing machine while it's running.  --Nelda Flynn

Philosophy of Life:  What it comes down to is, when you come into the
world you have nothing ... when you leave you have nothing ... and in
between there's the IRS.  --Bob Thaves (Frank & Ernest)

Word skittered out of his mouth like cartoon dogs on fresh-waxed
linoleum, frantically going nowhere.  --Amy Tan

A raise is like a martini:  it elevates the spirit, but only
temporarily.  --Dan Seligman

The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind.  Close it and
you're right back at the beginning.  --Jerry Seinfeld

She uses tired clichis like coasters -- a place to rest her mind before
picking it up and using it again.  --Janet Schwind

"Charity begins at home."  At about 6:30, when they call you and
interrupt your dinner.  --Crabby Road

The difference between America and England is that Americans think 100
years is a long time, while the English think 100 miles is a long way.
--Earle Hitchner

Anyone with money to burn will always find himself surrounded by people
with matches.  Joe Ryan

If time were a color, I bet it would be a tasteful off-white.  --Greg
Parrish

For some reason, immigrants always think that they have to join an onion
before they're allowed to work.  --Chris Gahan

Whenever I'm driving through the desert, and I see a roadrunner, I run
it over and say, "That's for the coyote!"  I don't really like the
coyote, but it's a good excuse to run over things.  --Craig Stacey

I was once in a spelling bee, but I lost because the other contastents
cheeted.  --Paul Paternoster

If I can make just one person laugh, then it must've been a pretty good
eulogy.  --Wade Kwon

I don't see why people waste good money buying blenders.  A garbage
disposal works just as well, and it comes with the apartment.  --Paul
Paternoster

I'm addicted to placebos.  I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any
difference.  --Steven Wright

Old lie -- The check is in the mail.  New lie -- I didn't check the
e-mail.  --Brian Fine

I won't stand for gossip!  No, I sit down and make myself comfortable
for gossip.  --Crabby Road

--
Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 27 Oct 1997 11:22:44 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Children

A group of kindergarten children were on a class outing to  their local
police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a  bulletin board, of the
10 most wanted men.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really  was the
photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," answered the policeman.

"Well," wondered the child, "why didn't you keep him when you  took his
picture?"


* Plus ca change,plus c'est la meme chose

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End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Oct 1997 to 27 Oct 1997
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