HUMOR Digest - 25 Oct 1997 to 26 Oct 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 418 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Take a Letter
  2. Some Funnies! (might be off. to accountants, religious folks & ,
     dentists)
  3. Will Rogers (Off only to Dan Quayle)
  4. the Little Chinaman <adult...off. to chinese>
  5. Humor - Imelda Marcos' Shoe Fetish
  6. Kids Start with a Cliche
  7. Plain text
  8. You might be a Yankee....
  9. Differences  <off to gays>
 10. The Statue

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 25 Oct 1997 03:51:51 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Take a Letter

* Back in the 50's-60's, "dictation" was a real art form among the
  secretarial set.  In fact, a lot of them even began speaking that
  way themselves unintentionally.  One nite a woman was berating her
  husband for coming home late:  "And furthermore, comma..."
                                - - - - -

*   A businessman asked his secretary to send an e-mail message to his
  wife, who was staying in Brasila, trying to drum up business for their
  computerized language translators.  She had placed a print-out of the
  message he'd dictated on his desk.
    Later that afternoon, he said to her, "You did just fine with the
  e-mail, but you forgot the last line -- 'I love you'."
    "Oh !" she replied. "I hadn't realized you were still dictating."
                                - - - - -

*   Called out of town, an executive for a parts company dictated an
  e-mail to Allis-Chalmers (an equipment company) in Milwaukee saying
  that he'd be unable to keep their appointment on Friday.
    Upon his return, he found a print-out of the message on his desk:
        "Dear Alice,
            I'm off to Texas and afraid I can't keep our date..."
    He immediately telephoned the purchasing agent and said, "I should
  like to explain my e-mail."
    The agent said, "Explain it ???  It's been on the bulletin board
  for a week."
                                - - - - -

*   The new secretary was a truly stunning blonde, and her boss was the
  envy of all the Senior Managers.  He was disillusioned with her though
  when she said his e-mail to a publisher was returned.  He had dictated
  an e-mail to them and told her to use their letterhead for the address.
    The messages returned were to: "Macmilan@NewYork, Macmilan@London and
  Macmilan@Toyko."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 25 Oct 1997 08:59:43 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Some Funnies! (might be off. to accountants, religious folks & ,
         dentists)

 A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening
 that reads:

 Dear Wife (that's what he called her):

 I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand
 Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

 When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read
 as follows:

 Dear Husband  (that's what she called him):

 I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
 Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You
 being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many
 more times than 54 goes into 18.
			**************************

 A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following
 an interfaith meeting. The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have
 four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic,
 pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10
 sons, one more and I'll have a football team." To which the Mormon
 replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll
 have a golf course."
			**************************

 A man and a woman met at a bar. They started getting along really well
 and they decided to go to her place for a drink. A few drinks later, the
 guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. He then took off his socks
 and washed his hands. The woman looked at him and said, "You must be a
 dentist!"

 Flabergasted, the guy responded, "Why yes. That's amazing; how did you
 determine that?" The woman replied, "Easy... you keep washing your
 hands." Well, one thing led to another, and they migrated to the bed.
 Things became more and more passionate...

                            (*snip*)

 After their passionate deed was done, the woman remarked, "You must be a
 GREAT dentist!" The doctor was very surprised, and said 'Yes! Yes! I sure
 am a great dentist... Wow!  You amaze me! And how did you know THAT, my
 dear?' His lover retorted, "That's easy.  I didn't feel a thing."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 25 Oct 1997 10:05:14 -0400
From:    Doug McNees <PADLEOS@AOL.COM>
Subject: Will Rogers (Off only to Dan Quayle)

               THINGS WILL ROGERS NEVER SAID
                  (but probably wishes he had)

--Some people are so afraid of dentists they need an anesthetic
just to sit in the waiting room.

--They call it a "dream house" because it usually costs twice as
  much as you dreamed it would.

--Conceited persons know a good thing when they see themselves
  in the mirror.

--A committee of three gets things done if two don't show up.

--Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.

--It's pretty sure Dan Quayle will run for President.  Last
  week he quit his job sorting laundry, and today he gave
  his two-weeks notice at Dairy Queen.

--My neighbor sports a bumper sticker that says "Lincoln was
  wrong!"  Last night his car was fire-bombed.

--O.J. had 4 phones in his house but claims he went out to
  his broncho to make a call on his cellular phone.  What
  was he - an equal opportunity caller?


Doug's Joke Book

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 25 Oct 1997 13:16:43 -0700
From:    Carolyn <carbro@BIT-NET.COM>
Subject: the Little Chinaman <adult...off. to chinese>

Back in the days of the gold rush in califorina, there was a miner who
lived way up in the hills alone. He would come into town every couple of
weeks to get supplies. While in the local general store, he asked the shop
keep "Any women in this town!?". and the shop keep replied "no...life is
too hard for them up here, but we do have the little china man who lives
upstairs". The Miner says "Nah, I aint into that!"...he takes his supplies
and leaves.

A few weeks later, he comes back...and ask the shop keep the same question
"any women in this town yet?!"...the shop keep replies "Not any
more...there were some a few days ago who decided to try life up here, but
they couldnt hack it, so they went back to where they came from.....but we
still have the little china man living up stairs if you're
interested".....the miner says "Hey! I told you I aint into that!"...again,
he takes his supplies and leaves.

Once again (a few weeks later) the miner comes back....ask the same
question about the women, and he gets the same response from the shop keep
"no, but we do have the little china man upstairs". The miner grabs his
stuff and turns to leave....just before he gets to the door, he stops and
looks to see that there isnt anyone around.....he walks up to the shop
keep, leans in, and in a quiet voice says "If I were to, you know, go
upstairs with the little china man, it would be just you and I who knew
about it, right"....the shop keep says "well, just the five of
us.....there's you, me, of course the little china man...and the two guys
who hold the little china man down....see, he aint into that either" :-)


http://www.bit-net.com/~carbro

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 25 Oct 1997 12:44:47 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Imelda Marcos' Shoe Fetish

 MANILA, Philippines (AP) -- Not since Cinderella have a woman's shoes
attracted such notice. And that's exactly why the Philippines' shoe-making
capital wants to put Imelda Marcos' fabled footwear on display for tourists
-- all 1,220 pair.

 The elaborate collection that drew the scorn of many Filipinos is composed
of the world's most expensive brands of shoes, including a battery-operated
pair that blinked when the former first lady of the Philippines danced.

 Marikina City hopes that by showcasing the former first lady's size 8 1/2
shoes in a special museum it will boost sales and help bring international
publicity for its products.

 At the height of her power, Mrs. Marcos gained notoriety for shopping
trips to the world's swankiest boutiques and throwing elaborate parties,
despite the grinding poverty faced by many Filipinos.

 She acknowledged in a recent interview with The Associated Press that her
shoe collection "was excessive," but she said it hurt her when it became
the butt of jokes.

 "What's wrong with shoes?" she asked. "I collected them because it was
like a symbol of thanksgiving and love."

 She said she once saw a poster in a New York shoe store that read "There
is a little Imelda in all of us."

 Mrs. Marcos, 68, now a congresswoman, isn't likely to miss the shoes if
they go to Marikina.

 She says she now has a new collection of 4,000 pairs, more than three
times the number she left behind 11 years ago.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 25 Oct 1997 13:02:33 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Kids Start with a Cliche

KIDS START WITH A CLICHI

I teach fourth grade at Westlake Elementary School in Ventura County,
California.  As a fun assignment, I gave the students the beginning of a
list of famous sayings and asked them to provide original endings for
each one.  Here are some examples of what my students submitted.

The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on.

A rolling stone plays the guitar.

The grass is always greener when you remember to water it.

A bird in the hand is a real mess.

No news is no newspaper.

It's better to light one candle than to waste electricity.

It's always darkest just before I open my eyes.

You have nothing to fear but homework.

If you can't stand the heat, don't start the fireplace.

If you can't stand the heat, go swimming.

Never put off 'til tomorrow what you should have done yesterday.

A penny saved is nothing in the real world.

The squeaking wheel gets annoying.

We have nothing to fear but our principal.

To err is human.  To eat a muskrat is not.

I think, therefore I get a headache.

Laugh and the world laughs with you.  Cry, and someone yells, "Shut up!"

Better to light a candle than to light an explosive.

It's always darkest before 9:30 p.m.

Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a blister.

There is nothing new under the bed.

The grass is always greener when you put manure on it.

Don't count your chickens -- it takes too long.

Lesly Vick via Dear Abby Column

--
Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 25 Oct 1997 16:35:57 -0400
From:    "Aditya, the HIndu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: Plain text

''Doc," said Banta Singh, ''If there is anything wrong with me, don`t
frighten me half to death by giving it a scientific name. Just, tell me
what it is in plain English."

''Well," said the doctor, ''to be quite frank, you are just plain lazy."

''Thank you, doctor," sighed Banta with relief. ''Now give me a scientific
name for it, so that I can go home and scare my wife."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 25 Oct 1997 21:06:04 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: You might be a Yankee....

YOU MIGHT BE A YANKEE
 1) You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
 2) You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
 3) You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"
    correctly.
 4) For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
 5) You don't know what a moon pie is.
 6) You've never had grain alcohol.
 7) You've never, ever, eaten Okra.
 8) You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
 9) You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen
    are on road trips.
10) You have no idea what a polecat is.
11) Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it
    goes over your head.
12) You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
13) You don't have bangs.
14) You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
15) More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of
    the same pre-school in Connecticut.
16) You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get
    his own TV fishing show.
17) Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call
    them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
18) You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
19) You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife
    show.
20) You think more money should go to important scientific research at
    your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
21) You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
22) The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting
    on an on-ramp on the highway.
23) You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
24) The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman
    Marcus.
25) You call binoculars opera glasses.
26) You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of
    the road and stopping.
27) You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
28) You don't know what applique is.
29) Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place
    within the context of a football game.
30) You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy
    Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
31) You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
32) You've never been to a craft show.
33) You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
34) You can't do your laundry without quarters.
35) None of your fur coats are homemade.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 25 Oct 1997 21:27:50 -0500
From:    David Burns <burnsd@GISCO.NET>
Subject: Differences  <off to gays>

What the difference between a gay man and a priest.

The way they say AMEN  (Ah Men)

			=====

What's the difference between and gay and a refrigerator.

The refrigerator doesn't fart when the meat is taken out.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 25 Oct 1997 20:00:02 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FIA.NET>
Subject: The Statue

From: Stan Kegel

Two archeologists, exploring a remote mountain in Tibet came across a
huge granite statue which resembled a sitting man. It stood almost 400
foot tall, and its bodily details were accurate down to the fingernails
and teeth. "It looks real enough to talk," says one. "Lets try," says
the other and turning to the statue asks it its name. No answer. "How
old are you?"  No answer. Finally. one shouts out, "What is the square
root of 64?" Suddenly, the mountain shakes as the giant statue rise onto
its feet and puts it's hand on it's chin. Then after about ten seconds,
the statue answes in a roaring voice, "Eight." Of course, says the
scientist, "It only stands to reason."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 25 Oct 1997 to 26 Oct 1997
************************************************
