HUMOR Digest - 24 Oct 1997 to 25 Oct 1997
There are 14 messages totalling 810 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Vision of Harry Lime
  2. Gender Gaps <adult humor>
  3. And God said 'Let there be light!'
  4. Nostradamus & Di  <Off. to Diana. Also, language>
  5. Queen Elizabeth's previous (fictitious) visit to India <off. to Giani Zail
     Singh fans>
  6. Airline (off. lang.)
  7. Humor: offensive to southerners.....
  8. Will Rogers (Not Off)
  9. Public Speaking
 10. Here's to the Jury!!
 11. Howard Stern vs. Playmates
 12. 2 shorties
 13. Humor: Poor Mr. Gates
 14. Top 10 Signs You Have A Bad Airline Pilot

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Oct 1997 23:38:58 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FIA.NET>
Subject: Vision of Harry Lime

Harry Lime is best remembered by his portrayal by Orson Wells in "The
Third Man". During World War II, a British agent actually was known by
the code name, Harry Lime. This Harry Lime was very near-sighted and
wore thick glasses. His assignment behind Nazi lines as a German Officer
would have been impossible if the Americans had not invented a new form
of lens for the myopic. These "contact lens" were undergoing clinical
trials at the Walter Reed Naval Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland.
Arrangements were made to transport Harry secretly to Bethesda by
submarine to be fitted with contact lens. Harry was a womanizer and had
an old flame in nearby Washington. Afraid that Harry would use this
opportunity to take an unauthorized vacation, it was decided to give him
very explicit orders. Therefore, just before leaving for the ship, he
was called to his conrol's office where he was given this direct order,=

"You are to go directly from the sub, Lime, to the Reed oculist." ...=


* The success of a pun is in the 'oy of the beholder.

Thanks to Spider Robinson for both puns.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Oct 1997 03:57:52 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Gender Gaps <adult humor>

*   A couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira, one
  of the highest mountains in the Americas.  Their guide pointed out
  where a young couple, petrified by lava, had been discovered.  They
  had died in the act of making love.
    "How awful !" exclaimed the wife.
    "Si, but what a great way to spend eternity." added the husband.
                                - - - - -

*   A much younger woman had married an older man already with children
  of his own.  For much of Saturday afternoon, one of the kids had been
  running in and out of the house blowing a whistle, as he pretended to
  be a policeman directing traffic.
    Finally, the new wife had had enuff, and told the boy, "Billy, if
  you don't stop all that noise, I'll blow your damn whistle for ya !"
    The husband looked up from his newspaper and muttered, "See ?  I've
  been telling ya that you treat the kids better than you do me."
                                - - - - -

*   "But this isn't an engagement ring." the young lady protested.  "Why
  it's just a tiny unset diamond."
    "Yeah !  I know." said the fellow, "And, it'll be mounted in a cluster
  around a big one, the very day after you are."
                                - - - - -

*   After a marathon threesome sex session, the man relaxed contentedly
  and asked, "Was it good for you two ?"
                                - - - - -

*   The doctor, who considered himself quite a stud, had been hitting on
  a cute little Nurse for weeks.  As she was bent over doing her charts,
  he came up behind her and pinched her on the butt.
    She turned around and said, "You're such an asshole, you should be
  listed in the 'Guinness Book of Rectums'."
                                - - - - -

* The wife had been trying to get her husband to go to Church for years.
  She was less than pleased though when she found a clipping on her place
  mat at the breakfast table advertising "St. Frederick's of Hollywood."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Oct 1997 11:31:00 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: And God said 'Let there be light!'

IN THE BEGINNING
[author unknown]

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said

%Let there be light!

#Enter user id.

%God

#Enter password.

%Omniscient

#Password incorrect. Try again.

%Omnipotent

#Password incorrect. Try again.

%Technocrat

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
%Let there be light!

#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create light

#Done

%Run heaven and earth

#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
%Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create firmament

#Done.

%Run firmament

#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
%Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and
let the dry land appear and

#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
%Create dry_land

#Done.

%Run firmament

#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
%Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.

%Create sun_moon_stars

#Done

%Run sun_moon_stars

#And God created the heavens. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
%Create fish

#Done

%Create fowl

#Done

%Run fish, fowl

#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl
after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.

#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
%Create cattle

#Done

%Create creepy_things

#Done

%Now let us make man in our image

#Unspecified type. Try again.

%Create man

#Done

%Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have
dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over
every living thing that creepeth upon the earth

#Too many command operands. Try again.
%Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 6 errors.

%Insert breath

#Done

%Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 5 errors.

%Move man to Garden of Eden

#File Garden of Eden does not exist.

%Create Garden.edn

#Done

%Move man to Garden.edn

#Done

%Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 4 errors.

%Copy woman from man

#Done

%Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 3 errors.

%Insert woman into man

#Illegal parameters. Try again.

%Insert man into woman

#Done

%Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 2 errors.

%Create desire

#Done

%Run multiplication

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

%Create freewill

#Done

%Run freewill

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

%Undo desire

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
%Destroy freewill

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

%Help

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

%Create tree_of_knowledge

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

%Create good, evil

#Done

%Activate evil

#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn.
#1 errors.

%Scan Garden.edn for man, woman

#Search failed.

%Delete shame

#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
%Destroy freewill

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

%Stop

#Unrecognizable command. Try again
%Break
%Break
%Break

#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS:
COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE
MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.

%Create new world

#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files
before new ones can be created.

%Destroy earth

#Destroy earth: Please confirm.

%Destroy earth confirmed

#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT
6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
#Approx. funds remaining: $0.00.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Oct 1997 12:27:21 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Nostradamus & Di  <Off. to Diana. Also, language>

I found the posting of Nostradamus and Diana rather intriguing, so I
took my book of "Les Propheties de Michel Nostradamus" and found
something also astonishingly uncanny:

Quand la grande pouffiasse d'Angleterre
Fumera la pipe d'Egypte
Le cocher de sa main belliqueuse
Destruira la carrosse Alemanique

Literally:

When the great English floozy
Will smoke the Egyptian pipe (1)
The coachman, with his bellicose hand (2)
Will destroy the German coach (3)

(1) In French slang "une pipe" is a blowjob and therefore the second
line could be translated as: Will give the Egyptian a blowjob.

(2) This can be interpreted as the driver (coachman) masturbating as
the result of the action explained above.

(3) German coach = Mercedes.

Uncanny, isn't it?

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Oct 1997 08:12:11 -0400
From:    "Narasimhan, Seshadri" <NarasimhanS@BERNSTEIN.COM>
Subject: Queen Elizabeth's previous (fictitious) visit to India <off. to Giani
         Zail Singh fans>

    Once Queen Elizabeth comes to India in summer. She is invited for
lunch by the then President, Giani Zail Singh.
    While at Rashtrapati Bhavan (the President's House), the Queen,
feeling like easing herself, goes up to Gianiji and very politely says,
"Gianiji can you please show me the Corner".
    Now Gianiji is a man with limited vocabulary. He takes Liz to the
corner of the room where two walls meet, and says "Here is the corner"
and comes back.
    Liz is really put-off and after a while goes up to Gianiji again and
now says in a slightly blunt American manner -- "Gianiji, I would like
to see the Loo".
    "No Liz, Loo is a very bad  thing  and can even kill  people. This
is a nice AC hall so why  don't  you sit here and enjoy the lunch", says
Gianiji.
    Now its really hard for Liz to hold it any further.  She gathers all
the words she  knows of Hindi  and  forgetting all her English
propah-ness shouts to Gianiji  "Gianiji Please mujhe aap peshaab karne
ki jagah dikha deejeeay". (Gianiji, please show me the place where you
urinate)
    Gianiji is all  smiles.Very quietly in shy manner he says--"Pehle
aap dikhaao !" (You first!)

Notes:
1) During the summer, Northern India (including New Delhi, which is
   where the President's house is located) gets a very strong hot wind
   which is known locally as the Loo.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Oct 1997 09:47:05 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Airline (off. lang.)

>From my friend Len

 This happened on a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during hurricane
 "FRAN".  The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but
 it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight
 attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about
 half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic
 lined bags in their seat pockets to good use.

 When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled
 themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom.
 "Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it?  But we came through
 it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks
 like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer.  On behalf of myself
 and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness
 and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston.

 After a short pause and several clicks......

 "Jesus Christ - whadda bitchin' ride!  Boy - I sure could use a cup of
  good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now!"

 As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the
 captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called
 after her,  "DON'T FORGET THE COFFEE"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Oct 1997 11:20:32 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor: offensive to southerners.....

THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERNER SAY

 We don't keep firearms in this house.
 Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
 You can't feed that to the dog.
 I thought Graceland was tacky.
 No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
 Wrasslin's fake.
 Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
 We're vegetarians.
 Do you think my hair is too big?
 I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
 Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.
 Who's Richard Petty?
 Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
 Deer heads detract from the decor.
 Spitting is such a nasty habit.
 I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
 Trim the fat off that steak.
 Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
 The tires on that truck are too big.
 I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
 I've got it all on a floppy disk.
 Unsweetened tea tastes better.
 Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
 My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
 I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
 Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
 Checkmate.
 She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
 Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
 Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
 I don't have a favorite college team.
 I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
 Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
 Elvis who?
 Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Oct 1997 12:45:51 -0400
From:    Doug McNees <PADLEOS@AOL.COM>
Subject: Will Rogers (Not Off)

                  THINGS WILL ROGERS NEVER SAID
                  (but probably wishes he had)

--The only thing lazy people do fast is get tired.

--Americans are using sign lnguage more and more.  We sign for
  just about everything we buy.

--A lifelong friend is someone you haven't borrowed money
  from yet.

--What we need are more family trees that will produce more
  lumber and fewer nuts.

--There is only one thing worse thn the flu season; the
  tax season.  You can recover from the flu.

--The school of experience would be more pleasant if there
  were a vacation once in a while.

--What this country needs today is fewer experts on what
  this country needs.

--Education is what folks have left over after they've
  forgotten most of what they learned in school.

--Just about the time we think we can make both ends
  meet, somebody moves the ends.


Doug's Joke Book

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Oct 1997 12:20:04 -0500
From:    Anne Watters <PURPLE1@WEBTV.NET>
Subject: Public Speaking

JimJrs comments made me remember a time when I had to give a paper
orally for physiological psychology.  I had 10 minutes.  I carefully
practiced speaking the paper, editing it down to 10 minutes.

I forgot that I tend to speak too fast when I'm nervous.  I got up in
front of the class of 40 students.  The clock read 2:15.  I began. "The
subject of my paper is..."  The rest is a blur, then "Any questions?"
the clock read 2:20.

One student slowly raised his hand.  When I called on him, his question
was, simply, "What?"

http://members.tripod.com/~Purple9999

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Oct 1997 13:22:52 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Here's to the Jury!!

 A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong
 evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's
 closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be
 convicted, resorted to a trick: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have
 a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.
 "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into
 this courtroom."

 He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all
 looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

 Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But
 you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there
 is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and
 insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

 The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later,
 the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired
 the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the
 door." The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client
 didn't."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Oct 1997 10:42:56 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Howard Stern vs. Playmates

A few months ago, Howard Stern hosted Julie Cailini ('96 Playmate of the
Year) and Stacey Sanchez ('97 Playmate of the Year) for a morning of sordid
joviality. The ladies, who were promoting their latest calendars, answered
ten questions from Howard, ostensibly to demonstrate how important it is for
them "AS ROLE MODELS" for young women to stay up on current affairs. The
ladies' answers were amusing (and sad), but the bit did prove that you don't
have to be a neurosurgeon to earn a pile of cash!

Love him or hate him, you have to appreciate Howard's sense of the absurd.

Q: Who is the President of Russia?
Julie: "Gorbachev"
Stacey: "Gretzky"
(correct answer: Boris Yeltsin)

Q: Define the meaning of NAACP.
Julie: "Something, something, something, for Certified Pianists"
Stacey: "It's some kind of police organization."
(correct answer: National Association for the Advancement of Colored People)

Q: Who was the inventor of the lightbulb?
Julie: "I know Edison invented the telephone, but I can't remember the
        lightbulb guy."
Stacey: "I don't know."
(correct answer: Thomas A. Edison. Alexander Graham Bell was the phone guy!)

Q: Who is the Speaker of the House?
Julie: "Gore something-or-other."
Stacey: "Bill Clinton."
(correct answer: Newt Gingrich. For the benefit of international members of
the market, Al "Gore" is the U.S. Vice President, Bill Clinton" is our
president.)

Q: Define the meaning of the letters CIA.
Julie: "I don't know."
Stacey: "Certified Investigation Association."
(correct answer: Central Intelligence Agency)

Q: What is the center of our solar system?
Julie: "The Equator"
Stacey: "The Moon"
(correct answer: The Sun)

Changing his tack to create better odds for the girls, Howard switched to
what he termed "industry related" questions:

Q: What do the initials "DK" stand for?
A: both knew it was fashion designer "Donna Karan."

Q: What is "Cristal?"
A: both knew it was an elite champagne

Q: What car company has a model known as a "911?"
A: both knew it was Porsche

Q: Who's face is on the (U.S.) $100 bill?
A: both knew it was Ben Franklin

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Oct 1997 18:15:05 -0400
From:    Gail Katz <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: 2 shorties

Members of the underground opposition party in Egypt decided there was only
one way to get rid of Nasser.  They concocted a plan to assassinate him.
They waited for him with machine guns, knives, molotov cocktails.  Six
o'clock came.  No Nasser showed up!  Six-thirty...no Nasser. Seven
o'clock...still no Nasser.

The men began to get impatient.  Finally one said, "I can't understand this.
 He comes by this point every night at six o'clock when he leaves his office.
 I hope nothing has happened to him!"
			------------------------------

When John Glenn was encircling the earth in his capsule, little Benny ran
into his house and in an excited voice shrieked, "Hey, Mom!  What dya' know!
John Glenn has already gone around the world forty-two times!"

"Nu?"  nonchanlantly answered his mother, "If you got money, you can travel."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Oct 1997 18:18:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Humor: Poor Mr. Gates

While the Gates' are moving in from their temporary quarters nearby,
final construction of their new house is not expected to be
completed until the end of the year.

Now if I were the contractor with a sense of humor...

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for
             the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a
       little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the
             release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger
             living room: or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the
             room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment
             center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You
             leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture
             you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're
             done."

Bill: "Uh... I Dunno... Issue two. The second issue is the light
       fixtures The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit.
       The threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll
             have to upgrade th the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular.
       How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: "<sigh> Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have
       guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The
       water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing
             to terminate and is hogging the resource preventing access
             from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn
            off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house
            and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"

Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it, nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will it be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house - which will be ready to release
             sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out
             this year, but we've had some delays..."


---
If reality wants to get in touch, it knows where I am.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 25 Oct 1997 11:14:49 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Top 10 Signs You Have A Bad Airline Pilot

Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Airline Pilot:

10.You overhear him say on the intercom "Hey, Pedro, What's this
   gizmo do?"
9. For the past two hours, you've been going straight up
8. He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 40 feet"
7. Co-pilot is sitting on his lap
6. When you take off he yells, "Weeeeeeeeee!"
5. At some point he announces, "Screw Chicago, Let's go find that Mars
   observer!"
4. He's wearing a Domino's Pizza uniform
3. Over P.A. you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh"
2. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who
   drove your cab to the airport
1. Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy"

* Plus ca change,plus c'est la meme chose

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 24 Oct 1997 to 25 Oct 1997
************************************************
