HUMOR Digest - 23 Oct 1997 to 24 Oct 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 533 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Speaking in General
  2. The Revolt against King George
  3. So....what's your point???
  4. Cricket in S.A. <offensive to Johanessburg's residents>
  5. Sikh rebuttal to Diana joke <off. to Hindus, off. lang., contains sh*t
     word>
  6. Do you think it is funny?
  7. SOME HALLOWEEN FUN ( Adult Humor)
  8. Japlish
  9. light buld(offensive to persons involved in mailinglists)
 10. Humor:Civics Made Easy
 11. No Job Is Ever Too Small
 12. Marriage Again <clean>

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Date:    Thu, 23 Oct 1997 04:39:58 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Speaking in General

* I've heard millions of conversations,
  A thousand speeches, talks and orations;
  Though often "I", "you" and "they" occur,
  The most popular words remain "um", "uh" and "er".
                                - - - - -

*   A gathering of engineers from all over the East Coast of the US was
  hosted by the Maryland State Highway.  It was held in a really fancy
  hotel ballroom -- I mean even at breakfast, the napkins had napkins.
    The MC, a fellow named Harry, began his opening remarks, then said,
  "Seated in the audience is a 30 year man from our organization, Jimmy
  Moore.  How about some advice for our guests Jimmy."
    Not having a clue he was going to do that, I went towards the front
  wondering what the hell I was going to say to hundreds of engineers.
    After introducing myself, I said, "There once was an old bull and a
  young bull grazing.  The young bull said, 'Hey Pops, what's say we run
  down to the lower forty and get ourselves a few Jersies ?'
    The old bull chewed a moment longer then replied, 'Son, let's walk
  down and get 'em ALL !'
    That's my advice to y'all this morning -- walk down, get 'em ALL !"
  Then, I started back to my seat.
    At first there was total and complete silence, Harry's mouth hung
  open so wide, he could have put his coffee cup in there.  Then there
  was a laugh, then another, and before I returned to my seat, the room
  was roaring.
    Oddly enuff, Harry never called on me again -- for anything.
                                - - - - -

*   At the same 3 day conference on the last day, the last speaker stood
  up and said, "I've prepared a really great talk for you, but I notice
  the hour is late, and I know you're all anxious to be heading back
  home.  Instead of delaying you further, I shall fax you all a copy in
  the morning." Then he sat down.
                                - - - - -

* Pity the poor engineer who was asked to speak at a dedication ceremony
  of the new highway between Soo Paulo and Santos in the rugged mountain
  regions of Brazil.  The letter inviting him outlined the program.  It
  said: "You are scheduled to speak after General Eurico Gaspar Dutra and
  before the firing squad."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Oct 1997 22:19:20 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FIA.NET>
Subject: The Revolt against King George

In conjunction with his retaliation against a coup attempt by a number
of rebellious nobles, George I had a huge mahogany rack constructed
intending to utilize it in punishing the leaders of the uprising.  His
advisors solved the problem of transporting the rack to the upcoming
battle site, at a precipice overlooking the valley containing the enemy
encampment by renting forty elephants and hiring an African engineer
with reputed expertise in harnessing the huge beasts for productive
labor.  Unfortunately, shortly after their arrival at the scene, the
elephants startled by nearby battle cries, stampeded, carrying the ranp
with the African on it,  tumbling down the hill, rolling over the
opposition virtually destroying it.  One of the survivors painfully
arose, crying out, "What in creation was that?"  An anguished companion
stammered, "I='m not sure but it looked like a rambling rack from
George's attack and an elephant engineer.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Oct 1997 07:08:10 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: So....what's your point???

 One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole
 propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling
 blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the hope
 of catching a fish. About that time, a businessman came walking down the
 beach trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the
 fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman
 was fishing instead of working hard to make a living for himself and his
 family. "You're not going to catch many fish that way," said the
 businessman, "You should be working harder rather than lying on the
 beach!" The fisherman looked up, smiled and replied, "And what will my
 reward be?" "Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the
 businessman's answer. "And then what will my reward be?" asked the
 fisherman, still smiling. The businessman replied, "You will make money
 and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger
 catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman
 again. The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the
 fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people
 to work for you!" he said. "And then what will my reward be?" The
 businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a
 fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let your employees
 catch fish for you!" Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will
 my reward be?" The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the
 fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you
 will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest
 ofyour days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have
 a care in the world!"

 The  fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think
 I'm doing right now?"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Oct 1997 15:11:06 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Cricket in S.A. <offensive to Johanessburg's residents>

  Ali Bacher had put together the perfect cricket team for '98.
 The only thing he was missing was a good fast bowler. He had scouted
 all the clubs, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a
 quickey that would ensure a victory over Pakistan.

  Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the
 background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian
 soldier with a truly incredible arm: he threw a hand grenade
 straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away-ka-boom!  He threw
 another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards
 away ka-blooey!  A car passes going 90 miles an hour-bulls-eye! Right
 into the barely open window. "I've got to get this guy," Ali says to
 himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

  So Bacher brings his Bosnian to South Africa and teaches him the great
 game of cricket.  Predictably, the young man tops all the test stats for
 wickets taken, and SA goes on to win the test series. The young Bosnian
 is lionized as the Great Hero of South African Cricket, gets to meet
 Nelson Mandela and when Bacher asks him what he wants, all the young man
 wants to do is to call his mother.

  "Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the test series
 for South Africa."  "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says.
 "You deserted us.  You're not my son."

  "I don't think you understand, mother" the young man pleads. "I just won
 the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands
 of adoring fans."  "No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this
 very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile
 of rubble.  Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lifes
 last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight..." The
 old lady pauses, in tears. "...I'll never forgive you for moving us to
 Johannesburg !"


Note: for those of you that don't know, Jo'burg (in South Africa) is the
      world's leader in crime, murder, hi-jacks and the like.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Oct 1997 10:27:40 -0400
From:    "Narasimhan, Seshadri" <NarasimhanS@BERNSTEIN.COM>
Subject: Sikh rebuttal to Diana joke <off. to Hindus, off. lang.,
         contains sh*t word>

A 'friend', offended by the Diana joke's reference to Sikhs (Sardar/Surd),
sent this one about Hindus. I thought it was hilarious enough for others
to enjoy. (I have eliminated this 'friend's' name to protect him)

An American was shown around Delhi and he was astounded by all those
Hindus sitting on the railway tracks shitting away. He tells his Hindu
host what he thinks of this. "Deplorable"!

Years later the Hindu visits him in the USA. Looking high and low for a
point to rebut the American he finally stops his car outside an alley
where he spots a man squatting. "Stop and look there. The Americans are
also the same as the Hindus in India. Look at that man shitting" says the
Hindu. "That" says his host, "is the visiting Indian Minister of Brahmin
Affairs"

Notes:
1) Brahmin is a caste among Hindus - supposedly the highest one.
2) The present trend of popularity of the fundamentalist Hindu BJP party
   leads me to believe (tongue firmly in cheek) that such a ministry will
   be formed
3) In most places in India, hygiene leaves a lot to be desired. I
   believe that Punjab (home of the Sikhs, AKA Sardars, AKA Surds) and
   Kerala are among the cleaner parts - the former due to their prosperity
   and religion and the latter due to their literacy.
4) The scene mentioned is regularly viewable along the railway tracks of
   Mumbai (I can vouch for this).

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Oct 1997 14:15:59 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: Do you think it is funny?

      NEW DELHI, Oct 22 (AFP) - India's eunuchs are calling on the
government to reserve jobs for them as part of its positive
discrimination drive, a newspaper reported on Wednesday.
   The Asian Age said an independent group of activists, the
National Consumer Welfare Council, had filed a court petition in the
city of Chandigarh on behalf of the country's 15 million eunuchs.
   The petition called for quotas of government jobs to be reserved
for them.
   It also said eunuchs were under represented in the national
parliament and state governments.
   Indian reserves half of all government jobs for members of the
country's lower castes, a group who according to traditional Hindu
social customs were restricted to low-paid, low-prestige jobs.
   Eunuchs are commonly excluded from Indian society and live in
their own communities. Some are employed by Moslems to dance or
protect their wives, while others beg or work as prostitutes.
   Hindu mythology recounts that a warrior god was turned into a
eunuch after being cursed.
   Feminist groups and women members of parliament are currently
campaigning for a third of all seats in parliament and state
assemblies to be reserved for them.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Oct 1997 11:51:35 -0500
From:    David Burns <burnsd@GISCO.NET>
Subject: SOME HALLOWEEN FUN ( Adult Humor)

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a
terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.  He,
being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was
going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for
his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and
away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without
pain; and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party after all.
Inasmuch as her husband didn't know what costume she'd be wearing, she
thought she'd have some fun by watching her husband to see how he
acted when she wasn't around.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on
the dance floor, dancing with every chick he could, getting a little
kiss here and a warm squeeze there. His wife went up to him and being
rather seductive herself, he left his current partner high and dry and
devoted his time to this new babe who had just arrived.
She let him do whatever he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed,
so off they went to one of the cars and they did it all!  Zowie! Just
before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home,  put the
costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he
would have for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked how the evening
had been?  He said "Oh, the same old thing.  You know, I never have a
good time when you're not there."  Then she asked, "Did you dance
much?"
He replied, "You know, I didn't dance even one dance. When I got
there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the
den and played poker all evening.  But I'll tell you...from what I heard, the
guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Oct 1997 10:38:03 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Japlish

Thanks to Varda Ullman Novick and Linda Leigh Higgins
----------------------------------------------
Old Tokyo Gas slogan: My life, my gas.

Sign in Japanese public bath: Foreign guests are requested not to pull
cock in tub.

Second-hand shop window ad: Used ladies and boys.

Sign in a men's restroom in Japan: To stop leak turn cock to the right.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regs (in English): Guests are requested not to
smoke and do other disgusting behaviors in bed (I stayed in this hotel).

Slogan seen on a young girl's sweatshirt: Why Don't You Grab a Big One
(Seen by my visiting father).

Popular Japanese soft drinks: SWEAT and CALPIS.

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Oct 1997 13:48:15 -0400
From:    Persson Mattias <mattias.persson@AROSNET.SE>
Subject: light buld(offensive to persons involved in mailinglists)

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change
   a light bulb?

A: 1,392:

   1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the
     light bulb has been changed...

  14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how
     the light bulb could have been changed differently,
   4 to complain that they were happy with the old one,
   7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs,
  27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing
     light bulbs,
  53 to flame the spell checkers,
 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light
     bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list,
  41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames,
 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please
     take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb,
 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and
     alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped,
 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light
     bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list,
 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
     to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best
     for this technique, and what brands are faulty,
  27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs,
  14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post
     corrected URLs,
  12 to flame the AOL users for violating netiqutte and blame them for
     starting this whole thing,
   3 to post about links they found from the URLs that "are relevant
     to this list, which makes light bulbs relevant to this list,"
  45 posts about weather or not AOL should even be allowed to exist,
  33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all
     headers and footers, and then add "Me Too,"
  12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they
     cannot handle the light bulb controversey,
  19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three,"
   4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ,
   1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup,
  47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for,
     leave it here, and
 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

     - Original source unknown, edited by laughalot-owner@graceweb.org

* "Ich bin ein Berliner"  -JFK
http://www.gif.arosnet.se

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Oct 1997 16:16:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Humor:Civics Made Easy

BRITISH DEMOCRACY:  You have 2 cows.  You feed them sheep's brains and
they go mad.  The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY:  You have 2 cows.  At first the government regulates what
you can feed them and when you can milk them.  Then it pays you not to
milk them.  After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and
pours the milk  down the drain.  Then it requires you to fill out forms
accounting for the missing cows.

CAPITALISM:  You have 2 cows.  You sell one and buy a bull which you use
to breed the other cow as well as every other cow in the area. Then
you start exporting sperm from the bull to emerging markets. After
several years  of expansion, your company issues an IPO to be listed
on the NYSE.   The  SEC eventually intends legal proceedings against
you and your spouse for insider trading.  After a lengthy court
battle, you are found guilty and sentenced to 10 years in prison, of
which you actually serve 7 weeks. When you come out of prison, you buy
2 chickens.  Then,....

HONG KONG CAPITALISM:  You have 2 cows.  You sell 3 of them to your
publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at  the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax
deduction for keeping 5 cows.  The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred
via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly
owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all 7 cows'
milk back to the listed company and proceeds from the sale are
deferred.  The annual report says that the company owns 8 cows, with
an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the 2 cows because the feng
shui is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM:  You have 2 cows.  The government bans you from
milking or killing them.

FEMINISM:  You have 2 cows.  They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM:  Your have 2 cows.  The government takes them and
denies they ever existed.  Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS:  You are associated with (the concept of
"ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongerism, intolerant
past)  2 differently  aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of
unpecified gender.

COUNTER CULTURE:  Wow, dude, there's like ... these 2 cows, man. You got
to have some of this milk!

SURREALISM:  You have 2 giraffes.  The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.

LIBERTY: Whatever.

---
* Be nice to your kids; they'll choose your nursing home!

Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List
------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Oct 1997 17:54:46 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: No Job Is Ever Too Small

NO JOB IS EVER TOO SMALL
Rich Hall, Self-Help for the Bleak, 1994

Too many of us believe our jobs are small and inconsequential.  Well,
there's no such thing, no sir!

Think of every skyscraper you've ever seen -- an intricately laid
assemblage of beams, supports and framework, each piece perfectly
balanced.  To achieve that balance, the builder relies on his
carpenter's level.  In the middle of the level sits a bubble swimming in
yellow juice.  Somewhere, there's a company that manufactures that
juice.  Do you know the name of that company?  (If you said "Gatorade,"
you're wrong.)

Actually, I don't know the name of the company either.  Yet, as I drive
through my city each day, I'm glad someone cares enough about the
quality of Yellow Leveling Juice to have never let a bad batch of it get
through, because if they did, whoo-ee, there's be gigantic skyscrapers
falling all over the place!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Oct 1997 09:20:25 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Marriage Again <clean>

A middle-aged couple was discussing life, and preparing wills.
The conversation turned to remarriage...

Wife: If I should die first, will you remarry?

Husband: Probably, I wouldn't like to spend the rest of my life alone.

Wife: Would you bring your new wife into our home that we have shared?

Husband: I don't see why not. It would be empty, you wouldn't be there.

Wife: Would you share the same bed we've shared?

Husband: Well, it's a comfortable bed...

Wife: Would you let here wear my clothes?

Husband: Sure, if they fit. They are quite nice.

Wife: Would you let her use my golf clubs?

Husband: No way, Linda is left handed.


* Plus ca change,plus c'est la meme chose

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 23 Oct 1997 to 24 Oct 1997
************************************************
