HUMOR Digest - 22 Oct 1997 to 23 Oct 1997
There are 11 messages totalling 648 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Politics as Usual
  2. How old am I ?
  3. FW: ahh...youth
  4. FW: Campus Comedy
  5. Texas Man
  6. Sexual Tension Quiz (Adult)
  7. Product Questionnaire - Part 2
  8. Diana's driver <tasteless ... delete if offended by topic>
  9. Oh God I'm An Ocean Buoy (In Bad Taste)
 10. Brickbats from Atlanta's Vent Column
 11. Nostradamus on Diana's death

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Date:    Wed, 22 Oct 1997 03:52:00 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Politics as Usual

* There's a of good things about living under a system of gov't
  such as we have in the US.  Democracy, free speech, etc.  But
  I think my favorite is the fact that only one of the clowns
  running for most offices will be elected.  Of course, in the
  case of the Clintons, we got a two-for-one co-presidency
  whether we wanted one or not.
                                - - - - -

* Overheard in a Washington DC restaurant -- one girl to another:
  "What I'm looking for is a man who will treat me as if I were
  a voter and he a candidate in a race where every vote counted."
                                - - - - -

* Never fear out there ladies, Mrs JimJr does at times get the
  best of me.  During the last Election Day, while I was reading
  the newspaper, she dialed a number on the phone and then said,
  "Hello, Mr Gallup ?  I've changed my mind."
                                - - - - -

* Ever since the landing on Mars, Martian stories have been running
  wild.  The last one I heard was about one who landed in Las Vegas.
  After watching a series of players pumping the arms of the slot
  machines, the Martian stepped up and whispered, "I don't know what
  offices you guys are running for, but disabled or not, you've got
  to try to smile a bit when you shake those hands."
                                - - - - -

* Contrast our system of government with Brazil's.  Their states are
  divided into "Municipios".  One losing candidate in his concession
  speech said, "I'd like to thank the 600 voters who said they would
  vote for me as well as the 800 who said they did.  The final tally
  out of the 1,100 voters in our district, was my worthy opponent
  3,412 to my 72 loyal supporters."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Oct 1997 07:56:16 -0500
From:    "J.M. A'Hearn" <jahearn@RXS.COM>
Subject: How old am I ?

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and
feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a
newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk,
"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling
really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker
the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29...?"

"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was
young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down
your pants and play with your balls for a few minutes I will be able to
tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her
slip her hand down his pants. A few minutes later the old lady says,
"OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at the McDonalds."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Oct 1997 14:16:49 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: FW: ahh...youth

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course.
He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on.  There
was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a
young lady in the back seat knitting.  He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up,
cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?"
answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked,
"And what is she doing?"  The young man looked over his shoulder and
replied, "What does it look like?  She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen,
he replied.  "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked
at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Oct 1997 14:17:35 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: FW: Campus Comedy

Here's one for all you students!
25 Ways to confuse your professors:

1. Brush your teeth during class.  While doing so, raise your hand as
   if you have a question, and mumble your question incoherently while
   brushing, spewing toothpaste all over the place.  If your professor
   objects to your actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene.

2. Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as far
   away from your professor as possible.  While he/she is lecturing, shout
   out things like, "What!?" and "Speak up!  You're mumbling!"  If your
   professor advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can't
   because you're scouting the room for "assassins."

3. If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone else, and
   bring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress, and an alarm clock.
   Wear your pajamas.  Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and the
   blankets and act like you're asleep.  Have the alarm set for about two
   minutes into class.  When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit the
   "snooze" button and go back to sleep.  Keep doing so for the duration
   of the class.

4. Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try to get
   him/her to "prove" everything to you.  Rant and rave about what a big
   liar your professor is.  Yell at students who are taking notes, saying,
   "Stop writing down all these lies!"

5. Show up to class about ten minutes late.  Ride into the room on a bicycle,
   yell, "Look out!", and crash into the blackboard.  Get up, take a seat,
   and act like nothing happened.  Do this every day.

6. Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk.  Burn notebooks, papers,
   or whatever you have handy.  Whenever you start a fire, no matter how
   small it is, start yelling, "Fire!  Fire!" and run out of the room in a
   panic.  Don't return for the rest of class.

7. Hide somewhere inside the classroom.  Wait for your professor to take
   attendance.  Don't come out when he/she calls your name.  Halfway
   through class, jump out and yell, "Just kidding!  I'm here!  Fooled you
   again!"  Sit down and be quiet for the rest of class.

8. Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair. Throughout
   class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me?" and "Please kill me!"
   Get up during class, like your going to miraculously start walking.
   Instead, fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to help you
   back up.  When class is over, say, "I feel better now," leap up, and
   run home.

9. Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets.  Five minutes into class,
   release the hornets, scream, and run away.

10. Bring a vacuum to class.  Halfway through class, stand up and start
    using it.  If your professor objects, explain that you "can't stand
    sitting in this pigsty any longer."  Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.

11. Bring a small cactus to class with you.  Raise your hand, and when
    you're called on, say that the cactus has a question.  Turn and look
    at the cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something.  After a
    few moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on.  Do this
    once a day, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every
    time, sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak."
    When you leave the room after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I
    can't believe you embarrassed me AGAIN...."

12. Every time your professor stutters, do a shot.  If he/she objects,
    explain that drinking games make the class more interesting.

13. When your professor gives you a syllabus, take it home, correct it,
    give it a grade, and return it to the professor.  Demand extra credit.

14. Come to class every day wearing scary Halloween masks.  Try to get your
    professor a guess who you are.  Shoot him/her with a water pistol,
    scream, and run around the room knocking things over.  Say, "Pretty
    scary, huh?"

15. Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early, and throw a
    surprise party for your professor.  Insist that you can't start class
    until he/she has a piece of cake. Keep asking people when the strippers
    are going to arrive.

16. Instead of taking notes, do an abstract painting during every class.
    Call the paintings things like, "Professor Acting Like Mr Know-It-All"
    or "Idiot Who Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Talking About." Give the
    paintings to your professor as gifts.

17. Wait for your professor to mention a date, and then yell out, "Bingo!"
    Apologize, and explain that you got confused.

18. Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese.  Tie a ribbon around
    it, and present it to him/her at the beginning of class.  Demand extra
    credit.

19. Write your professor a note that says, "I'm going to be about 15 minutes
    late.  Go ahead and start without me."  Wait outside the building until
    the time when class is   supposed to begin.  Tie the note to a rock,
    and throw it through the window.

20. Write down everything that your professor says, word for word. Think up
    a melody, and turn the words into a song.  Bring a guitar to class and
    perform the song for the class. Explain to your professor that he/she is
    "very inspiring."

21. Get a monkey, and bring it to class with you.  Tell your professor that
    you've hired the monkey to take notes for you.  Sit back and relax
    during class, letting the monkey scribble on a piece of paper. When the
    time comes to write a paper or take a test, write down things like, "I
    wish I had a banana" and "I miss my tire swing."  Assuming you get a bad
    grade, angrily fire the monkey in front of your professor.

22. When you have to write a paper, get it done early and mail it to your
    professor's house.  From then on, don't hand anything in, and blame it
    on the sluggishness of the U.S. Postal Service.

23. Tell your professor that you'd like to interview him/her for a writing
    class.  Get him/her to tell you his/her life story.  Act interested,
    and write down everything he/she says. Fabricate a few romantic
    interludes and turn your efforts into a trashy romance novel. Make
    copies for the entire class, and your professor.  Demand extra credit.

24. Draw hearts and flowers on the backs of your papers and tests. Next to
    them, write things like, "You're the best, even though you suck" and
    "You're the worst professor in the world, but I still love you."

25. Start asking questions in a fake foreign language.  Act like your
    professor is stupid for not being able to understand you.  Get other
    people in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and have
    frequent iscussions during class.  Act like you're really interested in
    what you're discussing.  If your professor tries to interrupt or stop
    you, act annoyed and motion for him/her to quiet down.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Oct 1997 22:11:42 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Texas Man

"I was reading in the paper this morning about a Texas man who was
struck by lightning while he was swearing.  Remarkable occurrence,
wasn't it?"

"Oh, I don't know.  If lightning was to strike a Texas man when he
wasn't swearing, it would be much more remarkable."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Oct 1997 16:55:04 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <itf@INTOUCH.COM>
Subject: Sexual Tension Quiz (Adult)

Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what
the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer you
give, give yourself 2 points, for every incorrect answer deduct 2 points.

If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more sex.
If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love.
If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience.
Now please begin.

"CLUES"

1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes.
   When I'm not well, I drip.
   When you blow me, you feel good.

2. I'm spread before I'm eaten.
   Your tongue gets me off.
   People sometimes lick my nuts.

3. I assist an erection.
   Sometimes big balls hang from me.
   I'm called a big swinger.

4. Over 1,000 people went down on me.
   I wasn't maiden for long.
   A big hard thing ripped me open.

5. You stick your poles inside me.
   You tie me down to get me up.
   I get wet before you do.

6. When I go in I cause pain.
   I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow.
   I can fill your hole.

7. A finger goes in me.
   You fiddle with me when you're bored.
   The best man always has me first.

8. All day long, it's in and out.
   I discharge loads from my shaft.
   Both men and women go down on me.

9. I go in hard.
   I come out soft.
   You blow me hard.

10. If I miss, I hit your bush.
    It's my job to stuff your box.
    When I come, it's news.

11. I offer Protection.
    I get the finger ten times.
    You use your fingers to get me off.

12. I have a stiff shaft.
    My tip penetrates.
    I come with a quiver.

13. My business is briefs.
    I am a cunning linguist.
    I plead and plead for it.

14. I make some guys shoot in the air.
    I usually have a little pecker.
    I'm better in your hand than in your bush.

Answers:

1. nose 2. peanut butter 3. crane 4. Titanic 5. tent
6. dentist 7. wedding ring 8. elevator 9. chewing gum
10. newspaper boy 11. glove 12. arrow 13. attorney
14. bird


			-Thanks to Dena Hysell


http://nadi.home.ml.org
http://free.prohosting.com/~itf/

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Oct 1997 13:20:32 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Product Questionnaire - Part 2

>From my friend Len

"MC DONNELL DOUGLAS WARRANTY CARD - Part 2
The following was a page put on the McDonnell Douglas Internet home page
by a worker with a sense of humor. The company took exception to it, however

9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in
the near future:
	Product                   Own 		    Intend to purchase
	Color TV                 _____                     _____   
	VCR                      _____                     _____
	ICBM                     _____                     _____
	Killer Satellite         _____                     _____
	CD Player                _____                     _____ 
	Air-to-Air Missiles      _____                     _____
	Space Shuttle            _____                     _____
	Home Computer            _____                     _____ 
	Nuclear Weapon           _____                     _____ 

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all that
apply:
	_Communist/Socialist		_Corrupt
	_Terrorist			_Democratic
	_Crazed				_Primitive/Tribal
	_Neutral			_Dictatorship

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
	_Cash				_Ransom money
	_Suitcases of cocaine		_Credit card
	_Oil revenues			_Traveler's check
	_Deficit spending		_Personal check

12.    Occupation       	         You          Your Spouse
	Homemaker			_____		_____
	Sales/marketing			_____		_____
	Revolutionary			_____		_____
	Clerical			_____		_____
	Mercenary			_____		_____
	Tyrant				_____		_____
	Middle management		_____		_____
	Eccentric billionaire   	_____		_____
	Defense Minister/general	_____		_____
	Retired				_____		_____
	Student				_____		_____

13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the
interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating
on a regular basis:

      Activity/Interest                 You         Your Spouse
	Golf				_____		_____
	Boating/sailing			_____		_____
	Sabotage			_____		_____
	Running/jogging			_____		_____
	Propaganda/disinformation	_____		_____
	Destabilization/overthrow	_____		_____
	Default on loans		_____		_____
	Gardening			_____		_____
	Crafts				_____		_____
	Black market/smuggling		_____		_____
	Collectibles/collections	_____		_____
	Watching sports on TV		_____		_____
	Wines				_____		_____
	Interrogation/torture		_____		_____
	Household pets			_____		_____
	Crushing rebellions		_____		_____
	Espionage/reconnaissance	_____		_____
	Fashion clothing		_____		_____
	Border disputes			_____		_____
	Mutually Assured Destruction	_____		_____

Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will
be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better
in the future-as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers
from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious
consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDonnell DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800
St. Louis

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Oct 1997 16:19:47 -0400
From:    "Narasimhan, Seshadri" <NarasimhanS@BERNSTEIN.COM>
Subject: Diana's driver <tasteless ... delete if offended by topic>

The latest theory is that the driver of the Mercedes, Henri Paul, was
actually a sardar (surd to those that have been reading Humor regularly)
whose family migrated to France when he was 3 years old. His  name was
Harvinder Singh Pal, and later he changed it to Henri Paul.

But  what is in a name, after all! Once a sardar, always a sardar!  And
so when the Paparazzi chasing the car shouted "Diana, Diana", at 80 mph,
Harvinder tried to take a right turn. ("daina" = right in Hindi)

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Oct 1997 16:44:20 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Oh God I'm An Ocean Buoy (In Bad Taste)

In loving memory of John Denver:

Oh God I'm An Ocean Buoy

Took a flight from the farm
and I never came back.
Built a plane from a kit
But I didn't have the knack.
Jumped in the cockpit
and downed a six-pack.
And now I'm an ocean buoy.

Well, I grabbed the controls
And I started to fiddle.
Got flames coming up
On my face like a griddle.
Air flight ain't nothing
But a funny, funny riddle.
So now I'm an ocean buoy.

Well, my head's chopped in pieces
And my body's full of dents.
They'll identify me
By my guitar's fingerprints.
I tried to "dry out"
But instead got a rinse.
And now I'm an ocean buoy.

Well, it's really farrr out
When you're down 'neath the water.
I just ain't been right
Since I started on the bottle.
I reach for Jim Beam
But instead grab the throttle.
And now I'm an ocean buoy.

Well, I grabbed the controls
And I started to fiddle.
Got flames coming up
On my face like a griddle.
George Burns appeared beside me
And we prayed just a little.
Oh God!  I'm an ocean buoy!

The day's just about over
And I'm sinking kinda low.
In the undersea world
of Jacques Cousteau.
Calypso can you find me
By the bubbles that I blow?
'Cause now I'm an ocean buoy.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Oct 1997 22:41:41 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Brickbats from Atlanta's Vent Column

I saw Larry the Locksmith's van parked at the dentist office. Think
someone had lockjaw?

Some doctors are pusing answering machines to communicate with their
patients. For example, If you're having a heart attack, press 1 ...

Since Fernbank (atlanta's natural history museum) lost the bid for
the dinosaur, I am sure that for much less money they could put Jesse
Helms on display.

I have a better warning for Ellen's show: "Not suitable for persons
offended by boredom."

How many parents out there are sick and tired of these stupid
projects that the teachers make the kids do? The parents end up doing
them and all the kids end up learning is how impatient their parents
are. I'm tired of it.

I don't think my wife loves me, and my girlfriend said she needed her
space. I'm a bad, bad person and I don't even feel bad about it.

If I check into the Betty Ford clinic, will I be able to keep the
autographs I collect.

We elect a guy president, give him a house to live in then we tell
him he can't use the telephone.

I don't envy Bill Clinton. Would you want Janet Reno mad at you?

In my neighborhood the best pickup line is: "Are you an American
citizen?"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Oct 1997 09:50:11 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Nostradamus on Diana's death

	 NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTED DI'S DEATH

 Turns out that the Old Master has hit another home run.
 Check out this item--Century 2, Quatrain 28

        "La penultieme du surnom de prophete
         Prendra Diane pour son jour et repos
         Loing vaguera par frenetique teste
         En deliverant un grand peuple d'impos."

         ("The last son of the man with the Prophet's name
          Will bring Diana to her day of rest.
          At a distance they wander in frenetic grief
          Delivering a great people from ruin.")

 The father of Dodi al-Fayed, the owner of Harrod's department store, is
 named Mohammed, the name of the Islamic Prophet. The rest of Nostradamus's
 prophecy is self-evident. It's strange how his prophecies always become
 perfectly obvious.....but only after the event.

 (See the book NOSTRADAMUS--COUNTDOWN TO APOCALYPSE by
  Jean-Charles de Fontbrunne, Owl Edition, Henry Holt & Co., 1985,
  page 418.)


* Plus ca change,plus c'est la meme chose

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 22 Oct 1997 to 23 Oct 1997
************************************************
