HUMOR Digest - 21 Oct 1997 to 22 Oct 1997
There are 14 messages totalling 607 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Texas Girls
  2. The Pandacerus, a history of genetic engineering
  3. FW: jokes
  4. God's qualitly control questionaire <off to the religious>
  5. Humor:adult, suggestive....
  6. Sun vs. Microsoft (offensive to Microsofties)
  7. Product Questionnaire - Part 1
  8. Kid's English
  9. Relationships (oldie but goodie)
 10. Which Appointment???
 11. Hunting
 12. Drivers Licence <clean>
 13. Humor - Weird Business News
 14. Once Upon A Time .. <adult>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Oct 1997 03:13:34 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Texas Girls

*   After a lil' Texas lady became engaged, she remarked to a friend
  that she wished there were a ring to denote engaged males, and thus
  remove them from the dating circuit.
    The friend, a true horse lover, said that all engaged men should
  be branded, just like they do horses.
    The newly engaged girl thought that over a moment & then replied,
  "But that wouldn't even show !"
    Her wise friend smiled and said, "Well, it would if they were
  leaving the corral."
                                - - - - -

*   Dallas girl looking at engagement ring to fiancee: "I didn't say the
  stone was small.  I just said not all of my friends have 20/20 vision."
                                - - - - -

*   A Brazilian, attending a masquerade Halloween Ball, was dancing with
  a tourist girl who was wearing a map of Texas for a costume.  Suddenly
  she slapped him hard and stalked off the dance floor.
    "What the hell happened ?" asked a friend who had witnessed the
  entire event.
    "I'm not really sure." the man replied, rubbing his red cheek. "When
  she asked if I had ever been to Texas, I put my finger on Amarillo to
  show her, and she let me have it."
                                - - - - -

*   At one of the last all girl schools in Dallas years ago, the instructor
  in a "Charm Course" was urging her students to give their escorts every
  chance to be gallant.
    "Remain seated in the truck until he has had time to step around and
  open the door for you." she said.
    Then, returning to reality, she added, "But... if the big, dumb galoot
  is in the restaurant ordering his steak -- don't wait any longer."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Oct 1997 00:04:12 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FIA.NET>
Subject: The Pandacerus, a history of genetic engineering

 In this modern era, where cloning, hybrid and generic engineering have
become household words, few of us remember the true pioneer of genetic
experimentation. I am, of course speaking of Dr. Moreau. Not the Dr.
Moreau immortalized by H. G. Wells in his famous novel, but the real
Pierrre Moreau who actually attempted to form new species from unrelated
animals. Most of his experiments failed. Most of the documents that
survived deal with his attempts to cross a dog and a cat, but none lived
more than a few hours after birth. His studies were ridiculed by the
French Academy of Science and he died in disgrace not realizing he was a
hundred years before his time.
 He had only a single success, which occurred when he cloned the
chromosomes of the black rhinoceros with the giant panda of China. Only
one of this new species, which he called a pandocerus survived beyond
infancy but with dilegence and care, one did grow to full maturity.
 This magnificent animal was over five foot tall and weighed 500 pounds.
It had a long soft black and white fur coat and a 18 inch hollow
cylindrical horn on its forehead. The horn communicated through a canal
with the posterior pharynx, which, unlike the elephant which uses its
trunk to breathe, was primary used for feeding. His daily supply of
bamboo shoots and berries was placed in the horn and with the use of a
plunger-like devise invented by Dr. Moreau, the beast could get its
frequent feedings as it desired.
 It was a loving animal, ideal for a pet, and loved to play with
children. Unfortunately, like most hybrids, it was sterile. This made
commercial production of pandoceri uneconomical, and the process was
never repeated by Dr. Moreau or his disciples.
 In 1895, faced with forced closure of his island laboratories, Moreau
sold his only successful hybrid to the Circus de Royal, where it was the
premier attraction for two years before its untimely death from
pneumonia.Visitors from throughout the world travelled to have an
opportunity to pet this wonderful beast. For a few years, the Circus de
Royal was the most talked about and visited entertainment center in all
of Europe.
 Now, one hundred years after the untimely death of the world=92s only
pandacerus, there are few still alive that remember their trips to the
circus and the excitement of seeing and petting the magnificent furry
with the syringe on the top.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Oct 1997 11:24:30 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: FW: jokes

TO MY DEAR WIFE,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.  I
have succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
 9 times you said weren't in the mood
 7 times you were sunburned
 6 times you were watching the late show
 5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
 9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed,the activity was not satisfactory
because 6 times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's
a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and
get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished,
and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused.  Here are the reasons
you didn't get more than you did:

 5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
 2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc.on TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was
because you missed and were fucking the sheets.  I wasn't talking
about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "would you prefer me
on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you
farted and I was trying to breathe.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Oct 1997 09:43:42 -0700
From:    Carolyn and Russ <carbro@BIT-NET.COM>
Subject: God's qualitly control questionaire <off to the religious>

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order
to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to
answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely
confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address
unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

__ Newspaper        __ Other Book
__ Television       __ Divine Inspiration
__ Word of mouth    __ Near Death Experience
__ Bible            __ Other
__ Torah (specify): _____________

2. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
to God? Please check all that apply.

__ Tarot              __ Lottery
__ Horoscope          __ Television
__ Fortune cookies    __ Ann Landers
__ Self-help books    __ Sex
__ Biorythms          __ Alcohol or drugs
__ Mantras            __ Other: _____________________
__ Insurance policies __ None

3. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you
prefer (circle one)?

a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know

4. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following
(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

a. Disasters (flood, famine, earthquake, war)
   1 2 3 4 5

b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease, sports upsets)
   1 2 3 4 5

5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving
   the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if
   necessary):  _________________________________________________________
   ______________________________________________________________________
   ______________________________________________________________________

Thank you!


http://www.bit-net.com/~carbro

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Oct 1997 10:43:27 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:adult, suggestive....

Johnny and Susie, each five years old, decided to get married.

So Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage. "Where will
you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this was cute.

"Well," said Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us."

"And how will you live?" "I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week
allowance.  That's should be enough."

Getting exasperated since Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad
asked, "And what if little ones come along?"

"Well," said Johnny, "we've been lucky so far."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Oct 1997 10:26:16 -0500
From:    Michael Cornelius <michael@DSNDATA.COM>
Subject: Sun vs. Microsoft (offensive to Microsofties)

As you may know, Sun Microsystems has sued Microsoft over a licensing
disagreement regarding Java. Sun claims Microsoft has violated its Java
development license by extending Java in such a way that it is not
platform independent; Microsoft's version of Java can only work in a
Windows NT environment.

There has been speculation to the effect that it would be more cost
effective for Microsoft simply to purchase Sun, rather than become
involved in a possibly lengthy court battle.

So picture this: You're standing on a street corner by a newspaper
vending machine. People walk by, see the headline on the paper, and turn
their eyes worriedly toward the sky.  The headline read "Microsoft buys
Sun", and the people are wondering when it's going to crash!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Oct 1997 13:20:25 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Product Questionnaire - Part 1

>From my friend Len

"MC DONNELL DOUGLAS WARRANTY CARD - Part 1
The following was a page put on the McDonnell Douglas Internet home page
by a worker with a sense of humor. The company took exception to it, however...

AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES Important! Important! Please fill out
and mail this card within 10 days of purchase. Thank you for purchasing a
McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment,
please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below.
Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help
us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. _Mr.    _Mrs.    _Ms.    _Miss    _Lt.    _Gen.    _Comrade
   _Classified     _Other

First Name _________________ Initial______ Last Name __________
Password ___________________
Code Name __________________
Latitude ________  Longitude ________  Altitude ________

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
   _F-14 Tomcat    _F-15 Eagle    _F-16 Falcon
   _F-117A Stealth                _Classified

3. Date of purchase: Month:__________  Day:_____  Year: __________

4. Serial Number: ________________________

5. Please check where this product was purchased:
	_Received as gift/aid package		_Mail order
	_Catalog showroom			_Discount store
	_Sleazy arms broker			_Government surplus
	_Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product
you have just purchased:
	_Heard loud noise, looked up		_Was attacked by one 
	_Recommended by friend/relative/ally	_Store display
	_Political lobbying by manufacturer	_Espionage


7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to
purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
	_Style/appearance			_Price/value
	_Kickback/bribe				_Comfort/convenience
	_Recommended by salesperson		_Backroom politics
	_Speed/maneuverability			_Advanced Weapons Systems
	_McDonnell Douglas reputation
	_Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
	_North America				_Europe
	_Central/South America			_Africa
	_Aircraft carrier			_Middle East
	_Misc. Third World countries		_Asia/Far East
	_Classified

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Oct 1997 12:38:06 -0500
From:    Anne Watters <PURPLE1@WEBTV.NET>
Subject: Kid's English

Jim Jr.'s jokes today reminded me of an incident when I was a child.  I
was reading in the living room and mom asked "Is the light OK--can you
see?"

"Well, it's donserly," I replied.  When mom told me "donserly" isn't a
word, I insisted it was, meaning 'dim' and said "I sing it every day in
school...'Oh, say can you see, by the donserly light?'"


http://members.tripod.com/~Purple9999

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Oct 1997 14:42:22 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Relationships (oldie but goodie)

THE FEMALE WAY: REJECTIONS, and what they mean:

10.  I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred
     banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
 9.  There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad)
 8.  I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've
     ever laid eyes upon.)
 7.  My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the
     whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys
     I'm  seeing.)
 6.  I've got a boyfriend (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and
     Jerry's).
 5.  I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if  you were in the
     same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
 4.  It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)
 3.  I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and
     unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
 2.  I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

 ...and the number 1 rejection line given by women:

 1.  Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in
     excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.
     It's that male perspective thing)


THE MALE WAY: REJECTIONS

10.  I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
 9.  There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
 8.  I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
 7.  My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
 6.  I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
 5.  I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
 4.  It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
 3.  I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
 2.  I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)

  ...and the number 1 rejection line given by men:

 1.  Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Oct 1997 16:14:26 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Which Appointment???

 One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his
 wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. His wife turns over and
 says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I
 want to stay fresh."  The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to
 sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
 This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment
 tomorrow too?"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Oct 1997 17:40:20 -0400
From:    "William E. Grover" <g7718769@IDT.NET>
Subject: Hunting

After years of listening to her plead, a hunter finally decided to let
his wife come hunting with him. He led her into the woods and left her
in a blind with instructions on what to do when a deer came within
range. He had no sooner arrived at his own blind when he heard a shot
coming from his wife's direction. The first shot was quickly followed by
several more. He immediately ran back to see what had happened,only to
find a man standing in front of his wife with his hands up shouting,
"OK lady, it's your deer! Just let me take the saddle off!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 21 Aug 1997 17:49:44 -0500
From:    Brian Kim <cyberkil@ENTERACT.COM>
Subject: Drivers Licence <clean>

A little girl and the mother were shopping.

The girl asks her mother "How old are you?"

Mommy says "Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later
on in life."

The girl then asks, "Mommy. How much do you weigh?"

Mommy says, "That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find
out when you are grown up".

The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, "Mommy, Why did
you and daddy get a divorce?"

Mommy says, "Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I
don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl is frustrated.  She tells her girlfriend about her and
her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your
mother's drivers license.  It's just like a report card, it tells you
everything."

The little girl and her mother are shopping again.

The girl says, "Mommy, I know how old you are.  You are 32 years old."

Mommy is very shocked!  She asks "Sweetheart how did you learn that?"

The girl shrugs and says, "I just know, and I know how much weigh.  You
weigh 120 pounds."

The mother is flabbergasted.  She asks, "Where did you learn that???

The little girl says, "I just know that's all, and I know why you and
daddy got a divorce.  You got an ' F ' in sex."


http://www.enteract.com/~cyberkil/

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Oct 1997 21:02:56 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News

Copied from Jim Bishop's Column,
Houston Chronicle

 Our Plain English Award to the staffer with i-Planet Inc. for the
following press release excerpt:

 "Without implementing tunneling software, Mochila leverages Netscape
Communication's de facto standard secure socket layer (SSL) to allow
e-mail to securely and transparently pass through the Web server."
		~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From Real Stories of the Technology Challenged from The Usually Unreliable
Source -- also known as the Internet:

 "I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into
itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer
would not turn on."
		~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 The White Collar Crime Avoidance Award to the statistician who figured out
that if you're over 40 and haven't yet gone to prison the odds are just 1
percent that you ever will.


*Frogs have it easy. They eat what bugs them.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Oct 1997 09:42:51 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Once Upon A Time .. <adult>

   There's this king in a far away land, revered and respected by his
  people and known for his generosity all around. He had a very
  beautiful wife, the pride of the land. It was said that even the moon
  would shy away from the sky when she came out into the night.

   The king loved her deeply, and couldn't stay away from her for even a
  moment. It was not surprising, therefore, when the king had to go to
  battle to help a neighbouring land, he was very sad about leaving her
  alone. But she, like a good wife, built his confidence, and said

   "Go, duty beckons you. I shall be fine."

   And so he went, only to find out that he was not needed, and the
  enemy had already been routed. Ecstatic at being reunited with his
  wife sooner than he thought, he rushed back to the palace, and went
  straight into the bedroom. To his astonishment, he found his wife
  lying naked in bed, and his most trusted Prime Minister on top of
  her, giving gratification. Enraged at the bitter betrayal, he pulled
  out his gleaming sword from its sheath, and proceeded towards the
  bed, screaming "Get off, you swine!"

   The Prime Minister, obviously startled at being caught, stumbled
  off the bed, his still erect penis glistening in the moonlight
  through the window.

   This enraged the king even further, who attacked the traitor's
  organ with his sword, only to hear a resounding "Clang" as the metal
  bounced off the reddened male hardness. Surprised, the King had
  another go... "Clang!" The King's amazement knew no bounds, at
  something which so defied logic, and so he tried again. This time,
  the sword, not being able to withstand the shearing stress, broke
  into two, and fell to the floor.

  Moral of the story - Pen is mightier than the sword!

* Plus ca change,plus c'est la meme chose

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 21 Oct 1997 to 22 Oct 1997
************************************************
