HUMOR Digest - 20 Oct 1997 to 21 Oct 1997
There are 13 messages totalling 568 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Guidelines to breaking up with you girlfriend(offensive to girlfriends)
  2. <HUMOUR> Princess Di, Fergie and the Queen
  3. For Such is the Kingdom
  4. Comforting thoughts <clean>
  5. Humor:crude,assorted adult,offensive to most....
  6. A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother...
  7. The Energizer Bunny's Death :o(   (Adult)
  8. <humor> Lightbulb Changing by Religous Group
  9. English language frivolities
 10. Humor: Urban legend exposed
 11. bud vs. boat <f-word>
 12. Computers
 13. Definition

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Date:    Mon, 20 Oct 1997 09:56:04 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Guidelines to breaking up with you girlfriend(offensive to girlfriends)

There is now a great way to dump a chick. It's safe. It's affordable,
and the best thing is the chick has no opportunity to throw things at you.
And it's at your fingertips right now.

E-mail !!!!

That's how all the happening, 90's kind of guys are telling chicks they're
not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you
really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her
response without ever reading it.  What could be more painless?

Following is an Email rejection letter:  You can use it the next time
you need to put your main babe on waivers.  The text of the letter
follows. Hope it comes in handy.
		--------------------------------

Dear (her name or babe),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention to become the future Mrs.  (your last name).  As you are
probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and
dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to
make the final cut.  I will, however, keep your name on file should
an opening come available or I become extremely horny.

So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors,
please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified
from the competition:

(Delete those that don't apply)

* Your lack of surprise at learning Paul McCartney was indeed in
  another band prior to Wings revealed you do not meet my age
  requirements.
* Your failure to reach for your purse even in a feigned attempt to
  pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of
  basic economics.
* Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by
  the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for
  this position.
* You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about
  yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
* The only question you asked was how much money I make.
* You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after
  I opened the passenger side door for you.
* My breasts are bigger than yours.
* Your height is out of proportion to your weight.  If you should, however,
  happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your
  application.
* Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's
  this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.
* The way you enthusiastically jumped up on the stage at the alternative
  Bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too
  impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to
  heterosexuality.
* Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to
  shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows
  compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.
* Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to
  me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom
  during our sexual encounters so it would be "just like" your college days
  seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.

I am out of your league;  set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,
Your Name (Optional)

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 20 Oct 1997 15:57:18 +0800
From:    Dr Michael Robertshaw <MROBERT@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: <HUMOUR> Princess Di, Fergie and the Queen

After the shock of Princess Di's death the Queen has decided to forgive
Fergie (Duchess of York). To show her sincerity the Queen has sent
Fergie a gift:

A new Mercedes and a French chauffeur.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 20 Oct 1997 04:00:08 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: For Such is the Kingdom

*   Newly assigned officers to a Naval Air Station are quite often
  "adopted" by a family.  One such young officer, a Lieut Commander,
  kind-of became an Uncle to the family's only 4 year old daughter.
    One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School.
  She said she had learned all about the ten commanders, and that
  they were always broke.
                                - - - - -

*   This same little girl, was told to draw her conception of the
  Hebrews flight into Egypt.  She came home with a picture of an
  airplane, the passengers all with halos and one person up front
  without one.
    When asked about it, she explained, "Oh, that's Pontius, the
  pilot."
                                - - - - -

*   The Lord's Prayer has always been easy for kids to misinterpret,
  either through poor enunciators or from mumbling congregations.
    One little boy, always a classic joke, said "Harold be Thy name."
  Two other lesser known prayers though are a little girl saying:
  "Give us this day our jelly bread."  Or the little New York boy
  who petitioned God to "Lead us not into Penn Station."
                                - - - - -

*   After hearing the Christmas story, and singing "Silent Night"
  a Sunday School Class in Sao Paulo was asked to draw what they
  thought the Nativity Scene might have looked like.
    One boy did a good likeness of Joseph, Mary and the infant, but
  off to the side was a roly-poly figure.
    The teacher, afraid that he had somehow worked Santa Claus into
  the scene asked him who that was.  She wasn't sure whether she was
  relieved or even more worried when the boy responded, "Oh, that's
  Round John Virgin."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 20 Oct 1997 12:34:01 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Comforting thoughts <clean>

3 June, 1665,  Letter to Ye London Despatche:

        SIR - May I congratulate the City of London authorities on their
marvellous new health and safety precautions?  For many years, the
doom-mongers have been predicting a so-called "great plague" and a "great
fire".  Will these self-same folk now have the common decency to shut up,
while the rest of us ordinary decent London citizens enjoy a few good
decades of peace and quiet?

N. Poppe, Cheapside.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 20 Oct 1997 07:46:56 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:crude,assorted adult,offensive to most....

Offensive to women, men, blondes, Catholics...
a crude assortment the way I received it....

What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?
Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods.(female rocker and a hockey player)

Did you hear that Glidden came out with a new paint called blonde? It
spreads real easy and is not too bright.(Glidden=U.S. paint company)

Two nuns are returning to the convent after doing some shopping on
their bicycles.  One says, "I've never come this way  before." The
other says, "It must be the cobblestones."

What is the Pope going to give Michael Jackson if he gets caught
molesting more boys?...............His own parish.

What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit?
"Are you going to eat that?"

What do the little bumps around a woman's nipple read in Braille?
Suck me.

What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
		---------------------------------

Did ya ever just wonder .....

How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the
battery is dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings do orientals throw hamburgers?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?
Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask
them what time it is? Why do you ask someone without a watch what time
it is?

Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk ?

The light went out, but where to ?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they
already know you don't have?

Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?

How come when I call Information they can't tell me where my keys are?

Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a
Large French Fry and insist on getting a Diet Coke?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is
expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the
taxi driver end up owing you money?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the
other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It
sounds like a near hit to me!!

Who's bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby! Mr. Bigger's baby
because he is a little bigger!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why are there 5 sylables in the word "monosylabic"?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as
cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in
charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's
not adoor?

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 20 Oct 1997 09:35:46 -0500
From:    "J.M. A'Hearn" <jahearn@RXS.COM>
Subject: A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother...

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately
demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the
barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in
the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and
greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman
would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say
something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would
shake his head, no and mumble a reply.

Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna
sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked
up for a year.'"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 20 Oct 1997 16:38:05 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <itf@INTOUCH.COM>
Subject: The Energizer Bunny's Death :o(   (Adult)

AP OCT 20, 1997 - The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going
and going..."  passed away last evening at 12:42am.

Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical
examiner ruled that the death  was caused by acute cardiac arrest,
induced by sexual over stimulation.

Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept
coming and coming and coming...


http://nadi.home.ml.org
http://free.prohosting.com/~itf/

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 20 Oct 1997 11:27:21 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <humor> Lightbulb Changing by Religous Group

Original Source unknown

  1. How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
          Only one since his/her hands are in the air anyway.
  2. How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
          None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.
          Or... Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read
          the instructions and pray the light bulb will decide
          to change itself.
  3. How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
          CHANGE??????? Ever heard of a Baptist changing anything?
  4. How many neo-evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
          No one knows. They can't tell the difference between
          light and darkness.
  5. How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
          Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against
          the spirit of darkness.
  6. How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
          One, but for the message of light to continue, send in
          your donation today.
  7. How many fundamentalists or independent Baptists does it take
          to change a light bulb?
          Only one because anymore would be compromise and
          ecumenical standards of light would slip.
  8. How many liberals does it take to change a light Bulb?
          At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or
          not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon
          the existence of the light bulb, they still may not change
          it to keep from alienating those who might use other
          forms of light.
  9. How many Anglicans or Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
          None. They always use candles.
 10. How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
          One, but soon all those around can warm up to its
          glowing.
 11. How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
          Ten. One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say
          how much they liked the old one.
 12. How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
          They choose not to make a statement of either in favor of
          or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your
          own journey you have found that a light bulb works for
          you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or
          compose a modern dance about your personal relationship
          to your light bulb and present it next month at the
          annual light bulb Sunday service, in which they will
          explore a number of light bulb traditions, including
          incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and
          tinted; all of which are equally valid paths to
          luminescence through Jesus Christ.
 13. How many Lutherans does it take to change a lightbulb?
          Uncertain. A committee must be appointed to study the question.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 20 Oct 1997 20:53:48 +0200
From:    Costas Papadopoulos <papadc@CYTANET.COM.CY>
Subject: English language frivolities

I recently heard these on BBC World Service:

1. A man walks in a grocer's and says:
   "I'd like a kilo of vinegar, please".
   The grocer says "You mean litre".
   So the man replies "OK, a kilo of litre, please".

2. A customer in cafe says to the waiter:
    "I'd like a cup of coffee, no cream".
   The waiter goes away and after a while comes back and says:
   "I'm sorry sir, we are out of cream. Would you prefer your coffee
   without milk instead?"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 20 Oct 1997 21:24:56 +100
From:    wouter van den berg <wfberg@DDS.NL>
Subject: Humor: Urban legend exposed

There are not many people who have never received a chainletter,
either via snailmail or e-mail, asking for lots of Get Well-cards for
a 9-year old boy dying of cancer, so he could break the world record.

That boy *was* Craig Shergold, he's now 18, cured of cancer,
and appeared on the October 20th 1997 edition of the BBC programme
Here&Now. When he first made his appeal for Get Well-cards, he
thought he'd never get more than a hundred or so, even though he
wanted about a million in order to beat the record. He got 16
million, and his entry in the Guinnes Book of Records.

Over the years however, people have kept sending him cards, and he
has now received about 190 million! He is an entire mail-district by
himself, and gets 6 mailbags of card every single day! Once every
week, volunteers gather, and open the mail and remove the stamps so
that everything can be recycled.
When the BBC crew was filming there, they were somewhat embarrased to
find that even BBC programmes are still sending cards.
In one week Craig now gets 5000 cards from Poland - of all places -
alone!

The Shergold's are quite fed up, and desperately want everybody to
stop sending cards.  Even the Royal Mail made a passionate plea for
people to stop sending cards.


On the up side, bills are lost in the pile (that takes up a
room) quite often......

Source: Here&Now, British Broadcasting Corporation, Mon 20 Oct 1997

BTW - For obvious reasons I've not included his address.. ;-)

http://berg.home.ml.org/ 


* Did you know that SATAN is an anagram for SANTA?

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Oct 1997 00:10:47 +200
From:    Toomas Aas <toomas@MAIL.RAAD.TARTU.EE>
Subject: bud vs. boat <f-word>

Q: What do Budweiser and boat have in common?
A: Fucking close to water.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 20 Oct 1997 16:53:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Computers

Winners in the essay competition for how people REALLY feel about their
computers.

Runner-up

My computer is like my girlfriend. There I am -- naive, eager-to-please,
pathetically attentive. There SHE sits -- unresponsive, enigmatic and
coldly judgmental. I try juicing up our evening with a tentative touch --
bing! A definite response, but that warm glow is not aimed at making me
welcome. Instead, she primly reminds me to protect her from "viruses." I
hide my indignation as I grit my teeth.

Once I've convinced her that I've made all necessary precautions against
infection I get to work. But wait! Some thing's wrong. Are my ham-handed
strokes giving her the wrong idea? No. Have I forgotten to back her up
in a time of need? No. Does she want something inserted? Absolutely NOT!
And before I can make amends, she takes "exception" -- fatally.


Winner

Am I angry? Mad? Jaws tighter than a flea's navel stretched over a rain
barrel? I, my friend, am in the middle of installing hardware with the
manufacturer's directions.

It's not enough that the instructions were written by the Marquis de
Sade, translated from the French into Swahili, ported to Japanese,
thence to Aleut, and then translated by the monks into a variant of
English not seen since Chaucer. No, no, my friends. It is that the
author of the instructions never had to use them."


---
Lawyers and hookers-both hired to get their clients off

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 20 Oct 1997 20:22:48 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Definition

NEW JOURNALISM:  Print the truth -- Don't offend anyone.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 20 Oct 1997 to 21 Oct 1997
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