HUMOR Digest - 19 Oct 1997 to 20 Oct 1997
There are 5 messages totalling 283 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Written Word
  2. Humor - It's A Wacky World! (adult themes)
  3. Quips & Quotes
  4. Wood Recommendation
  5. Exam - Part 2/2 <clean>

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Date:    Sun, 19 Oct 1997 04:06:20 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Written Word

*   Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and
  the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database.  One
  theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs.  Thinking that
  to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly. "Is it true Mr.
  (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs ?" she asked.
    "Yeth." lisped the farmer.
    Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost
  2 sows and 25 pigs."
                                - - - - -

*   Every college student is faced with which electives to take which
  will be the "easiest" and least boring.  I thought I try Journalism
  101; however, I just barely passed.  It seems the instructor was a
  big fan of Joseph Pulitzer, founder of the School of Journalism.
    During the first class the instructor said, "It was Joseph Pulitzer
  who declared accuracy is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman."
    Unable to resist, I said "Well, that's not quite true Miss Riley,
  a newspaper can always print a retraction."
    Anyone wantta guess how closely my homework and tests were graded
  from that first class on ?
                                - - - - -

*   I once followed the Administrator of the Maryland State Highway at
  a dinner function, who had rendered a few thousand remarks.  He left
  his notes on the rostrum, and I noticed written in the margin beside
  one passage was this admonition to himself: "Weak point.  Shout !"
                                - - - - -

*   A visiting professor from the US was amazed to see the auditorium
  filled to capacity for his speech on "Convex Sets and Inequalities"
  at The Technical Institute of Aeronautics in Sao Jose dos Campos.
    A quick glance at the flier promoting his appearance removed all
  doubt though.  According to the flier, he was supposed to speak on
  "Convicts, Sex and Inequalities".


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sun, 19 Oct 1997 13:19:17 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - It's A Wacky World! (adult themes)

Copied from Ann Lambert's Column:

      Here's a gadget for those who think they've heard it all.

 DEAR Ann Landers: After so many years of writing the column, I'll bet you
think you've heard everything. Well, you haven't. This item from Psychology
and Health Update was taped to the bulletin board at the hospital where I
work. It was pointed out to me by a nurse who said, "This made my day."
Here it is:

 "U.S. Patent No. 5,163,447 was recently issued for a `force-sensitive
sound-playing condom.' Yup, it's a prophylactic that whistles Dixie. During
intercourse, a sound unit is supposed to sense movement and reward your
efforts with a melody. We are not exactly sure why anyone would want his
apparatus singing show tunes, but it's nice to know the innovative spirit
is still thriving in America."  I hope you enjoy this.

Dottie Oberdorfer, R.N., in Jacksonville, Fla.

 Dear Dottie: Thanks for a most unusual item. Since nothing surprises me
anymore, I only have two questions: How are sales north of the Mason-Dixon
line, and how the heck does that thing work?


Notes:
 Ann Landers is a syndicated advice columnist.

 The Mason Dixon Line is an arbitrary boundary that divides the
 southern states from the north.

 "Dixie" is a song popular in the southern states.

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Date:    Sun, 19 Oct 1997 11:42:19 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Quips & Quotes

I think if you really like a girl you have to pay a LOT of attention to
her.  But try telling that to those jerks on the jury.  --Dave George

Here's a handy tip:  Don't move your clocks forward or back an hour,
like you're supposed to each Spring and Fall.  By holding back that
hour, you'll soon have enough saved up to take a day off from work!
--Jonathan Colan

I wish I could travel back in time to the 1800's -- not because I'm fond
of that era or something, but I just don't want to pay my student loan
back.  --Megan Lyn Edson

I read that "Success is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration."  Well, if
success means having to sweat, you can forget it, man.  --Dan Lantz

In America only the successful writer is important, in France all
writers are important, in England no writer is important, in Australia
you have to explain what a writer is.  --Geoffrey Cotterell

You know how the Roadrunner is always getting killed, and then keeps
coming back to life?  I think this sets a bad example for children,
because no bird could really run as fast as the Roadrunner.  --Dan Lantz

My girlfriend says that I'm going to hell because I don't go to church,
but that's okay, because from what I've been able to figure out, they
don't have church there either.  --Kirk W. Reuter

Ah, the thrill of watching kicking, blocking, tackling, running ... but
enough about fall sales at the mall.  --J. Wagner

In life you have to learn to take the good with the bad.  And then you
learn to take the bad with a little Scotch.  --Jeff MacNelly (Shoe)

Supreme Court Pizza:  It comes with nine toppings, but they can't
guarantee what side they'll be on.  --Bob Thaves (Frank & Ernest)

The problem is you've got a 233 mhz Pentium Z, Windows 95, Running
Office 97, heading into the year-2000 problem, with a 1945 brain.  --G.
Wise & L. Aldrich (Real Life Adventures)

When the insects take over the world, we hope they will remember with
gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics.  --Bill Vaughan

Pot is like a gang of Mexican bandits in your brain.  They wait for
thoughts to come down the road, then tie them up and trash them.
--Kevin Rooney

Reader, suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of
Congress.  But I repeat myself.  --Mark Twain

Space isn't remote at all.  It's only an hour's drive away if your car
could go straight upwards.  --Sir Fred Hoyle

The first time I tried organic wheat bread, I thought I was chewing on
roofing material.  --Robin Williams

Men love war because it allows them to look serious.  Because it is the
one thing that stops women laughing at them.  --John Fowles

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months -- I don't like
to interrupt her.  --Ken Dodd

Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving
taxi cabs and cutting hair.  --George Burns

Show me a man who has enjoyed his schooldays and I will show you a bully
and a bore.  --Robert Morley

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 19 Oct 1997 17:18:13 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Wood Recommendation

In a book entitled The Woodright's Companion,
Exploring Traditional Woodcraft by Roy Underhill:
 "The bald cypress is valuable for construction
in high-humidity locations.  A coffin made from
this wood will last a lifetime."

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Date:    Mon, 20 Oct 1997 11:13:55 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Exam - Part 2/2 <clean>

  PUNJAB COLLEGE EXAMINATION QUESTION PAPER
  [this one's a little difficult than last year's]

  Part 2.

   21.  If  2 + 3 = 5, 3 + 2 = 5 ??
   ( ) YES
   ( ) NO
   ( ) I FORGOT TO GET MY CALCULATOR

   22. Write the full form of ASAP As Soon As Possible.
   _________________

   23. Opposite of the word "IN" is
   ( ) NOT IN
   ( ) CRICKET
   ( ) PUNJAB

   24. What is the capital of india ?
   ( ) DeLhi
   ( ) DELhi
   ( ) DELHI

   25. a,e,i,o and u are collectively called "vowels". what are e,a,i,o
   and u called ?

   26. Fill in the blank :
   I am _________ a letter.
   ( ) READING
   ( ) WRITING
   ( ) SEALING

   27. Who was the first MAN to land on moon ?
   ( ) MR. ARMSTRONG
   ( ) MISS ARMSTRONG
   ( ) MRS ARMSTRONG

   28. What comes first ?
   ( ) the Egg
   ( ) the Omlet

   29. can you count more than five using your hands ?
   ( ) YES
   ( ) NO

   30. Spell M-Y-T-H-O-L-O-G-Y

   31. Mrs. Sinha is Mr. Sinha's
   ( ) Brother
   ( ) Son
   ( ) Daughter

   32. Car A start from X and car B start from Y. X and Y are located 100
   miles apart from each other. How many wheels does each car have ?
   ( ) One
   ( ) Four
   ( ) Seven

   33. To reach to the 12th floor of the World Trade Center, how many
   buttons would you press in the elevator ?
   ( ) ONE
   ( ) TWELVE

   34.  Complete the following series [this question carries 3 marks]
         1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, _, _, _.

   35. This one tests your imagination.
   SUN is nearer to India than AMERICA because.........
   ( ) SUN is smaller than AMERICA
   ( ) One can see SUN, but not AMERICA
   ( ) i do not have any time left to think on this one.

   Your feedback counts..................(please do not write how many
   times)

   I rate the difficulty level for the above question paper as
   ( ) 8
   ( ) 9
   ( ) 10
   [NOTE : 1 is very easy and 10 is most difficult]

   Number of times I flipped a coin
   ( ) 35
   ( ) 70
   ( ) I forgot to bring my coin so I bluffed and prayed for good luck.

Chalapathi
B-)
"Plus ca change,plus c'est la meme chose"

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End of HUMOR Digest - 19 Oct 1997 to 20 Oct 1997
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