HUMOR Digest - 18 Oct 1997 to 19 Oct 1997
There are 4 messages totalling 186 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Moore on Golf
  2. Moving Together (adult)
  3. The English Language and Spelling
  4. It's A Wacky World!

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Date:    Sat, 18 Oct 1997 04:01:50 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Moore on Golf

*   Have y'all ever noticed how many golf jokes there are ?  So how
  come you say I'm writing more ?  Well, because both avid golfers as
  well as their game are a riot !  Take Dan for example.  One of the
  best golfers I've even seen.  But in the last couple of years, he's
  become complacent.
    This past Spring, he teed-up his ball and announced confidently,
  "This looks like a drive and a putt to me."  He swung the driver,
  tore up the sod and managed to drive the ball about 4 feet.
    While he stood there dumbfounded, I walked over to his bag, got his
  putter and said, "Now for one HELL of a putt."
                                - - - - -

*   Golf addicts like my friend Walt can't stand it when the occasional
  player like me bests them on the course.  Call it luck or whatever you
  like, but I had just made a really spectacular shot, and maybe bragged
  a hair or two too much.
    As we walked towards the green, I began to again analyze it yet again.
  Walt mumbled, "Yeah -- great shot.  Too bad you can't have it stuffed."
                                - - - - -

* As two golfers sat drinking their Tequila Shooters in the club house
  of a Mato Grosso golf course, one pointed to a sign on the wall:
  "If your ball comes to rest in dangerous proximity to a crocodile,
  another ball may be dropped."
                                - - - - -

*   A golfer had made an awful shot and tore up a large piece of turf.
  He picked it up and looking about said, "What shall I do with this ?"
    "If I were you," said the caddie, "I'd take it home to practice on."
                                - - - - -

*   A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his
  golf clubs.  Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said,
  "Well, you said I had to choose, right ?"


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sat, 18 Oct 1997 12:03:33 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <itf@INTOUCH.COM>
Subject: Moving Together (adult)

An older couple, living apart, had been dating for a number of years. One
day Elmer says to Betsy, "We should stop this nonsense. We are paying two
rents, two car insurance payments, buying separate food and cooking separate
meals. We should just move in together.

Betsy: Whose house would we live in?

Elmer: Mine, it is paid for.

Betsy: Whose car would we keep and pay insurance on?

Elmer: Yours, it is newer and runs better than mine.

Betsy: Who would do the cooking?

Elmer: You cook and I'll do the dishes.

Betsy: What about sex?

Elmer: Infrequently.

Betsy: Is that one word or two?


http://nadi.home.ml.org
http://free.prohosting.com/~itf/

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Date:    Sat, 18 Oct 1997 12:30:24 +0100
From:    Joe Clark <smooth@BIOCH.OX.AC.UK>
Subject: The English Language and Spelling

{Possibly offensive to EU}

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement
has been reached to adopt ENGLISH as the preferred language for
European communications, rather than GERMAN, which was the other
possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a
five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for
short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c".
Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard
"c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but
typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when
the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words
like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which
have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that
the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they
would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th" by "z" and "w" by "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer
vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.!!!!

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Date:    Sat, 18 Oct 1997 15:16:19 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World!

                       The Tale of the Nails

 DALLAS (CNN) -- It's hard to abandon a dream. But after nearly 2 1/2
decades, Lauretta Adams decided the gain wasn't worth the pain.

 For 24 years, the Dallas woman had been growing her fingernails, in the
hope of getting into the Guinness Book of World Records.

 Last year, when she was interviewed by record book officials, her nails
ranged from 10 to 28 inches long. All in all, she had more than 150 inches
of nails. Jeff Crilley reports from KDFW in Dallas,Texas.

 That wasn't long enough to break the old record, held by a man in India
who sported 226 inches of fingernail. But Adams, 43, decided she'd had
enough.

 "For the last year, they'd been hurting me," she said.

 Strangers stared at her hands as she did her shopping. Simple tasks, like
turning the pages of a book, became major ordeals. And when Adams wanted to
paint her nails, it took eight to 10 hours.

 So at last Adams decided to take the big step. She made an appointment
with a manicurist -- who called in a doctor, just to make sure there was no
sign of infection.

 It took the experts only 20 minutes to clip her claws.

 Without her long nails, Adams said her hands felt unusually light. And she
quickly realized her newly trimmed fingers were capable of doing a lot
more.

 What was the first thing she planned to do? "One was scratch," Adams said.
"The other was hug."

 The Associated Press contributed to this report.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 18 Oct 1997 to 19 Oct 1997
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