HUMOR Digest - 17 Oct 1997 to 18 Oct 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 651 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Exam - Part 1/2 <clean>
  2. Teen Sex <adult humor>
  3. Singapore launches search for best toilets
  4. Mother in Law<offensive to Mothers in Law>
  5. Lawyers (off. to them)
  6. Humor:offensive to drunks.....
  7. BayWatch generation
  8. Holy Golf
  9. YOU!!! OUT OF THE GENE POOL!!
 10. The Hells Angels (off to Angels, lewd)
 11. blue ribbon (crude)
 12. a quickie

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Oct 1997 13:02:37 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Exam - Part 1/2 <clean>

  PUNJAB COLLEGE EXAMINATION QUESTION PAPER
  [this one's a little difficult than last year's]

  Part 1.

   1. Write your name in less than 20 minutes and 20 letters (only
   alphabets allowed, no numeric digits or "_" allowed)

   2. Sex ?
   ( ) Male
   ( ) Female
   ( ) Sardar

   3. What's your age group ?
   ( ) less than 0
   ( ) equal to 0
   ( ) greater than 0

   4. What is 2 + 2 ?
   ( ) FOUR
   ( ) 4
   ( ) IV

   5.  If you have one brother, how many brothers does your brother have?
   ( ) none
   ( ) one
   ( ) question is too personal

   6. Complete the following sentence...........
   ______  ________  ________  _________ .

   7. If there are 365 days in a year, how many days make a year ?

   8. Read the statment carefully and answer the following question:

     "My mother's daughter's brother's mother's mother's daughter's
      husband's wife is my mother herself".

     Q. How many times the word "mother" appear in the above statement?
     ( ) None
     ( ) few times
     ( ) uncountable times

   9.  If someone gives you a dollar for 100 cents , would you
   ( ) get one dollar ?
   ( ) 100 cents ?

   10. Write an Essay on "MYSELF" in not more than three sentences.......
   (HINT : My Name is ___________ (same as in [1]). I am a ___________
   (boy/girl). I am writing an essay.)

   11. If the time is 3.00 what does your digital watch show ?

   12. At what time does the 11.16 Indrani Express come ?

   13. What do you do on a honeymoon ?
   ( ) Collect Honey
   ( ) Admire Moon
   ( ) Collect Honey while admiring the moon

   14. Earth is Flat ?
   ( ) False
   ( ) Indeed False

   15. If A = B and B = C then is B = A ?
   ( ) TRUE
   ( ) FALSE
   ( ) OUT OF SYLLABUS

   16. If you eat lunch during lunch time, what do you have during dinner time?

   17. If Ram is Sita's Husband, Who is Ram's Wife ?

   18. Think and write the present tense of THOUGHT.

   19. Complete the following poem :
     Mary had a little lamb little lamb little lamb_
     (HINT: "." or "@" or "^" )

   20. This is question number
   ( ) 1
   ( ) 10
   ( ) 20


* Plus ca change,plus c'est la meme chose

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Oct 1997 03:59:46 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Teen Sex <adult humor>

*   The young couple had been dating for some time, and the boy had
  finally talked the girl into bed.  "Well, you're gonna have to show
  me what to do." she said.  "I've never made love before."
    He suggested they try "69" as their first adventure, and after he
  had explained, she quickly fell into the action.  After it was over,
  he asked how she felt.
    "Well, just fine." she replied.  "But if you think for one minute
  that I can do that 68 more times -- you're nuts."
                                - - - - -

* Then of course, there was the teenage beauty who thought pre-martial
  sex was immoral -- so she only slept with married men.
                                - - - - -

*   The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant,
  but couldn't say who was responsible.
    "Alright !" bellowed her Mother, "you march yourself to your room,
  and don't come out until you can give us a definite answer."
    Later that nite her voice rang down the stairs.  "Hey Mom, I think
  I have an idea now."
    "I should hope so !" the Mother responded. "The very idea that any
  daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father."
    "Chill Mom." the girl said.  "I got it narrowed down to the band
  or the football team."
                                - - - - -

*   "Didn't I tell ya that I could make you forget about all those
  Mexican girls boss ?" asked the young curvy piano player.
    "You sure can." murmured the expatriate in the closed and locked
  Brazilian bar.  "Play with it again Tam".
                                - - - - -

* Wife to husband:  "I'll let you explain to your son why his sister can
  have training bras but he can't have training condoms."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Oct 1997 09:51:36 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: Singapore launches search for best toilets

Which kind of loo do you have?

   SINGAPORE, Oct 8 (AFP) - Singapore, disappointed by results of a
survey on the state of its public toilets, has launched a search for
the island's best loos as part of a campaign to promote social
graces, promoters said Wednesday.
   "As a nation, Singapore has a strong reputation for cleanliness,
but if our public toilets are not of a high standard, then our
reputation will suffer," Daniel Wang, Singapore's Commissioner for
Public Health, said in a statement.
   "Keeping public toilets clean is one simple way we can all help
to maintain the good name that we have built for Singapore," he
added.
   Backed by a British-based public relations firm, the Ministry of
the Environment (ENV) has set up a hotline for people to call in
their choices for the cleanest toilets and have their names included
in a lucky draw.
   The first prize is a four-day holiday in Hong Kong. Managers of
establishments in five categories which get the most number of
phoned-in votes  for best toilets will get recognition as "People's
Choice" awardees.
   "The best toilets will get a plaque which they can pin on their
walls and which will be public recognition that people have chosen
their toilets as one of the best in Singapore," said public
relations officer Rebecca Shepherd.
   "We plan to do this every year," she added.
   The five categories are food center or market, shopping center,
bus interchange subway station, coffee shop, and park or beach.
Hotels, which normally have well-maintained public toilets, are
excluded.
   The campaign stems from a call issued by Prime Minister Goh Chok
Tong in April 1996 for Singaporeans to aim for "social graciousness"
after having become one of the world's richest societies in just one
generation.
   He identified two markers of social grace -- more school choirs
to promote love of music, and having sparkling public toilets.
   Singapore is already famous for being one of Asia's cleanest
cities thanks in part to a ban on the sale of chewing gum and stiff
fines for litterbugs, but the government is not satisfied.
   Officials said two surveys in July 1996 and January 1997 showed
only a marginal improvement since Goh issued the call for cleaner
toilets. Toilets were graded on a scale of one to 10, with 9.1 to 10
classified as "excellent."
   The highest score attained by any category was 7.5 -- merely
"satisfactory."
   The dirtiest public toilets were found in the Singapore Turf
Club, public markets, food centers, parks, beaches and public
resorts. The best marks were given to restaurants, cinemas, canteens
and the subway.
   "Whilst there has been an improvement in public toilet
cleanliness, it is clear that we still have a long way to go," said
Health Commissioner Wang, who appealed for Singaporeans to make a
commitment to improve public toilet cleanliness.
   Apart from the model toilet search, the ENV has lined up an art
contest at the Singapore Zoo, whose airy nature-theme toilets have
received high marks.  Shepherd said participants will get "goodie
bags" filled with soaps and other toilet-related products.
   Schools will be enouraged to conduct activities promoting public
toilet cleanliness, include lectures and competitions for the best
posters, banners, poems, essays, slogans and songs promoting the
cleanliness cause.
   An FM radio station will air a talk show devoted to public
toilet issues, and Singaporeans will be encouraged to call in and
air their views.


* If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
www.smart1.net/aditya

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Oct 1997 11:57:31 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Mother in Law<offensive to Mothers in Law>

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately
demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the
barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in
the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and
greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman
would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say
something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would
shake his head, no and mumble a reply.

Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I
would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell
that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for
a year.'"


* Fighting for peace is like @#$%ing for virginity

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Oct 1997 07:23:38 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Lawyers (off. to them)

 Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers' Journal,
 the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys
 during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful
 witnesses:

 1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
      doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

 2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

 3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

 4. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
         pulse?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No."
    Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
         the autopsy?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
    A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
    Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
    A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
        somewhere."

 5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

 6. "Did he kill you?"

 7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

 8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

 9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

 10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
     A: "Yes."
     Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

 11.  Q: "She had three children, right?"
      A: "Yes."
      Q: "How many were boys?"
      A: "None."
      Q: "Were there any girls?"


 12.  Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
      A: "Yes."
      Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"


 13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
         you?"
     A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
     Q: "And you took your new wife?"

 14.  Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
      A: "By death."
      Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

 15.  Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
      A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
      Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

 16.  Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
          notice which I sent to your attorney?"
      A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

 17.  Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
      A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

 18.  Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
      A: "Oral."

 19.  Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
      A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
      Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
      A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
          autopsy."

 20.  Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
      A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

 21.  Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
      A: "I have been since early childhood.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Oct 1997 07:56:08 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:offensive to drunks.....

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK:

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor...

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you
fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol,
and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more
attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

I'm as jober as a sudge.

The shrubbery's drunk from frequent watering.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Oct 1997 14:34:07 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <itf@INTOUCH.COM>
Subject: BayWatch generation

WHAT PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD LEARN ABOUT AMERICANS BY WATCHING "BAY WATCH"

1. American men and women spend 15 percent of their days running in
   slow motion along the beach.

2. Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour.

3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one
   actually dies, except from cancer.

4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for an average of 15
   seconds after being told anything of any importance.

5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat, but fat people are
   unreliable and sometimes evil.

6. Most American women have abnormally large breasts that are worshipped via
   close-ups for an average of two minutes and thirteen seconds per hour.

7. When swimming in California, you are more likely to be attacked by jewel
   thieves or taken hostage by terrorists than you are to drown.

8. Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs in montages and
   lasts no longer than two minutes.

9. Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain that they are poor,
   they all have expensive sports cars and luxurious homes.

10. Motorboats, unlike cars, will not talk back to David Hasselhoff.


http://nadi.home.ml.org
http://free.prohosting.com/~itf/

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Oct 1997 11:19:22 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Holy Golf

 Jesus and Moses were out on the golf course one day, and they were having
 a contest about who could make the most outstanding shot. So, Moses goes
 first. He settles up for the shot, and hammers it straight for the green.
 Unfortunately, the ball falls into a water hazard. Undaunted by this,
 Moses raises his arms to the sky, and the water parts where the ball
 dropped in. The ball rolls out of the water and onto dry land (only a
 foot away from the hole). Jesus looks at Moses, and says,"Hey Moses, that
 was a pretty good shot. Now let me see what I can do."  So Jesus settles
 up for his shot and sends the ball screaming toward the green.
 Unfortunately, Jesus has the same luck as Moses did. The ball heads
 straight for the water hazard. Jesus holds out one hand, and instead of
 dropping into the water, the ball bounced on top the water, and rolled
 onto dry land (only three inches from the hole). Moses says,"Wow, that
 was an incredible shot!" No sooner had Moses said this, when the skies
 grew dark, and the wind starts to pick up.  Lightning and thunder
 crackles through the sky. Suddenly, a ball, falls from the sky into the
 same water hazard where Jesus and Moses had hit theirs. Then a fish swims
 by and swallows the ball. An eagle swoops down, grabs the fish with his
 talons, and heads for the now darkened sky. Lightning strikes the eagle
 and he drops the fish onto the green. The fish opens his mouth, the ball
 rolls out, and drops into the hole.

 Moses then turns to Jesus and says, "Man! I hate it when your dad
 plays!!!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Oct 1997 11:59:00 EDT
From:    Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: YOU!!! OUT OF THE GENE POOL!!

 LICENSE TO STEAL
Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a
chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of
pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper
off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached
to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their
license plate still attached to the bumper.

IN THE BAG
A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs
counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd
that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked
the tourist to   demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A
substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

MADE FOR TV
Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for
Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have
her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.

DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?
A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages
rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided
the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more
years.

YOU MEAN ME?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"  When his partner
moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

DEADHEADS
A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving
alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in
the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that
passengers must be alive to qualify.

THIS WOULD BE ME
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff
opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward."
Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.

LEARN YOUR LESSON
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation
said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I
have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he
smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not
pass through a red light' five hundred times."

AHH, THAT'S BETTER!
A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in
recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of
five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001
years.

OOPS!  I BLEW THAT ONE!
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative
defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed
a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how
you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his
limb."  "Well put," the judge replied.  "Using your logic, I sentence
the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment.  He can accompany it or
not, as he chooses."  The defendant smiled.  With his lawyer's
assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and
walked out.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Oct 1997 19:08:38 +0100
From:    Max Blumberg <max@MAXB.COM>
Subject: The Hells Angels (off to Angels, lewd)

A motorcycle cop is cruising around just *looking* for trouble. He finds it
as he passes a bar with two Harley's parked outside with clearly marked
Hells Angels insignia. Delighted with his find, he parks his bike outside
the bar and cruises in to bust the guys for whatever he can find: drunk and
disorderly, drugs, you name it. But to his surprise and dissapointment, a
scout around the bar reveals that they are nowhere to be seen. He goes
outside and checks the alley, and sure enough, there they are: one angel
bending over with his trousers round his ankles, and the other angel has one
of his fingers up his butt.

The cop can hardly contain his glee: "So boys" he asks: "What's happening
here?"

"Well officer, its like this: my mate's had a bit too much to drink and I'm
trying to make him sick so he can bring it all up".

"Really?" says the cop: "And you think your finger up his butt will make him
sick do you?".

"No" replies the angel: "but wait til I stick it down his throat"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Oct 1997 12:51:00 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: blue ribbon (crude)

A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep. She goes to the vet to see
if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's
testicles and he will stop snoring. A few hours after going to bed the
dog is snoring as usual. Finally, she goes to the closet and grabs a
piece of ribbon, ties it around the dogs testicles, and sure enough the
dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed.

Later that night her husband returns drunk home from being out with his
friends. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to the closet
again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husbands testicles.
amazingly it also works on him. The woman sleeps very soundly.

The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the
bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in
the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his scrotum. He is very
confused. Hewalks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to
his dogs scrotum. He looks at the dog and says "Boy, I don't remember what
the hell happened last night, but where ever you and I where, we got first
and second place."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Oct 1997 22:32:11 -0400
From:    Gail Katz <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: a quickie

Rabbi Ginsburg, of Beth Shalom Synagogue, has fallen ill and taken to Mount
Sinai Hospital.  The president of the board comes to visit him.
"Rabbi, I want you to know that the board has voted 10 to 2 that you should
get well"

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 17 Oct 1997 to 18 Oct 1997
************************************************
