HUMOR Digest - 16 Oct 1997 to 17 Oct 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 573 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Advice on Women (not off.)
  2. Point of View
  3. English as guessed abroad <clean>
  4. Humor:adult theme, language
  5. Mmmmmmmm......(sick!)
  6. FW: Lyrics to Aladdin
  7. Top5 - 10/16/97 - Chelsea's Pet Peeves About College
  8. Sound Barrier Broken on land
  9. <HUMOR> Some new; some repeats
 10. Welcome to Hell
 11. Legal Humor
 12. John Denver (Off. to John's fans)

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Date:    Thu, 16 Oct 1997 07:29:07 +0100
From:    Joe Clark <smooth@BIOCH.OX.AC.UK>
Subject: Advice on Women (not off.)

This is true.!.!

I was in a College Bar the other night and over-heard the conversation of
a small (all male) group. A Junior was talking to some Freshman in a
pastoral way. The conversation inevitably came round to women. This is his
advice on women....

'Women are funny creatures. But, never laugh at them.'

==================
Epilogue.

The Freshman all nodded sagely. And I fell off the bar stool.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Oct 1997 03:59:47 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Point of View

*   I was driving a State pool car since mine was in the shop.  A
  girl named Cindy and I were returning back to Baltimore from the
  Eastern Shore of Maryland following a nite time public hearing.
    On a particularly dark and lonely stretch of road, a knocking
  noise started coming from the engine. "That's odd." I said, "I
  wonder what that knocking is ?"
    "Well, I can tell you one thing for sure." Cindy answered icily.
  "It sure ain't opportunity."
                                - - - - -

*   I know this one young man who wanted to get married after only
  knowing a local girl for a few weeks.  While he was smitten with
  her, she was less than enthusiastic about the idea.  "Don't you
  think you could learn to love me ?" he pleaded.
    "Well...  I suppose so."  she replied.  "I mean I did manage to
  learn Windows 95 in only 4 days."
                                - - - - -

*   Following a wedding a minister performed, he received this "Thank
  You" card in the mail.  It was from the young man whom he had just
  performed the marriage ceremony for.
   Inside the card was hand written: "I want to thank you for bringing
  my happiness to a conclusion."
                                - - - - -

*   I was in a crowded elevator downtown where a man was standing near
  the door in front of a lady with quite a figure !  "Would you please
  stop pushing ?" he suddenly said.
    "I'm not pushing." the girl protested. "I'm breathing."
                                - - - - -

* One Senorita in a low cut gown to another, upon returning from the
  dance floor:  "Don't dance with General Manoel Deodoro da Fonseca.
  His medals are cold !"


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Thu, 16 Oct 1997 12:28:52 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: English as guessed abroad <clean>

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in
the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the
country people's fashion.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose in the
boots of ascension.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Oct 1997 08:19:58 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:adult theme, language

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
He walks down to the store only to find it closed, so he goes
into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees
a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple
of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her
apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and
says, "Oh, shit! It's so late, my wife's going to kill me! Have
you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder,
which he proceeds to rub on his hands. Then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty
pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"

"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you
asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the
vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had
a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed
with her."

"Oh yeah? And what is that on your hands?"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and screams, "You
@&$*!% liar! You went bowling again!!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Oct 1997 08:39:57 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Mmmmmmmm......(sick!)

 Two guys are drinking at the bar one night till closing time. After the
 bar closes, they go to a friend's house and drink even more. At about
 4:30 am, guy1 says to guy2, "I gotta go home. My wife is gonna kill me."
 guy2 says "Aw, don't worry about it, you can make it up to her."
 guy1 looks nervous and says, "No, she might actually kill me dead."
 So guy2 says, "OK, here's what you do. When you get home, go inside,
 leave all the lights off. Take off your shoes and sneak into the bedroom
 then get naked and crawl into bed from the foot end under the covers.
 Crawl right up between her legs and start licking her pussy. Lick her
 pussy for all you're worth, lick to save your marriage, lick her pussy to
 save your life! She'll come all over your face and then roll over, fall
 asleep, and forgive you."

 So, guy1 says, "OK, I guess it's worth a try." He goes home, sneaks into
 the room, leaves the lights off, takes off his shoes, takes off his
 clothes and crawls into bed from the foot end. He crawls up between her
 legs and starts to lick her pussy. He licks her pussy for all he's worth.
 He licks her pussy to save his marriage, he licks her pussy to save his
 life.

 After an hour of moaning and thrashing and bucking, his face is
 completely covered with pussy juice and she starts to come. She comes
 over and over for three or four minutes then she rolls over and falls
 asleep. "Well," he thinks, "Great! it worked!" He slides out of bed and
 goes into the bathroom to wash his face. When he opens the bathroom door
 to come back out, his wife is standing there.

 She says, "Shhh... be very quiet and come into the living room. We're
 sleeping in there while your mom stays in our room."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Oct 1997 16:01:27 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: FW: Lyrics to Aladdin

Parental Guidance Suggested

 A Whole Nude World

 !Aladdin!
 I can show you my penis,
 Big and sparkling and splendid,
 I can make it extended
 On my magic mattress ride.

 I can open your thighs,
 Rock your body like thunder,
 Over, sideways, and under
 On my magic mattress ride.

 A whole nude world,
 A new fantastic way to screw,
 Everyone tells me "no,"
 I need a blow,
 So I can start my screaming.

 !Jasmine!
 A whole nude world,
 My sizzling space you never knew,
 But when you're way down there,
 Engrossed in hair,
 Now I'm in a whole nude world with you.

 !Aladdin!
 Now I'm in a whole nude world with you.

 !Jasmine!
 Unbelievable size,
 Indescribable squealing,
 Leaning, bending, and kneeling
 At my moist and gaping thighs.
 A whole nude world

 !Aladdin!
 Don't you dare close your thighs

 !Jasmine!
 A hundred thousand sperm in me

 !Aladdin!
 Hold your breath-- it gets better

 !Jasmine!
 I'm like a shooting star,
 I've come so far,
 I can't go back to my virginity.

 !Aladdin!
 A whole nude world

 !Jasmine!
 Every thrust of your thighs

 >!Aladdin!
 >With new positions we can screw

 !Jasmine!
 Every moment gets wetter

 !Both!
 I'll lick you anywhere,
 Hey, I don't care,
 Let me share this whole nude world with you.

 !Aladdin!
 A whole nude world

 !Jasmine!
 A whole nude world

 !Aladdin!
 That's where we'll be

 !Jasmine!
 That's where we'll be

 !Aladdin!
 A thrilling taste

 !Jasmine!
 Of my hot place

 !Both!
 To you from me.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Oct 1997 11:43:31 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Top5 - 10/16/97 - Chelsea's Pet Peeves About College

      The Top 16 Chelsea Clinton Pet Peeves About College

16> Every time she cuts her 8am class, CNN switches to a live feed
    from the lecture hall.
15> PoliSci textbook only contains pictures from her "dumpy" years.
14> Social life hampered by mandatory Secret Service body cavity
    search of potential dates.
13> No room in dorm for all those boxes of missing Whitewater
    documents.
12> Daddy won't sign the Cafeteria Food Reform Bill.
11> No one wants to waste good pot on a Clinton.
10> Steamy makeout sessions usually end with the guy getting his
    ass kicked by the Secret Service.
 9> Tipper no longer around to clean up after her and Socks.
 8> Every boy who hits on you winds up on a "peacekeeping force"
    in Bosnia within 48 hours.
 7> Constant comparisons to notable Stanford alum Ted Koppel
    usually refer to physical resemblance.
 6> Bourbon shots not free like the ones "Uncle Ted" serves back
    home.
 5> Drunken frat boys always confusing her with Amy Carter.
 4> Football coach keeps begging her to get Janet Reno to enroll.
 3> RA's write you up if the Chinese Delegates stay past midnight.
 2> Anatomy lab cadaver none other than Al Gore.

   and the Number 1 Chelsea Clinton Pet Peeve About College...

 1> The man makes 200 grand a year -- you'd think he could bring
    his own weed when he visits.

[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Oct 1997 16:09:37 -0400
From:    "Harter, Doug" <Harter@EXCHANGE.PADER.GOV>
Subject: Sound Barrier Broken on land

Thanks to rec.humor.funny & pokunew@uswest.com

Andy Green set a new land speed record, driving the Thrust 55C at
763.035 mph, 15 mph faster than the speed of sound.

And right behind him was some jerk riding his bumper, honking the horn,
and flipping him off.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Oct 1997 16:15:16 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: <HUMOR> Some new; some repeats

     YOU KNOW YOU'RE OVER THE HILL WHEN...

  1. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
  2. You're sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up
      and helps you cross your legs.
  3. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.
  4. Your underwear starts creeping up on you...and you enjoy it.
  5. You tune into the easy listening station...on purpose.
  6. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium
      and large ... In that order.
  7. You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of
      campers form a circle and start singing Kumbaya.
  8. Someone compliments you on your layered look...and you're
      wearing a bikini.
  9. You keep repeating yourself.
 10. You start video taping daytime game shows.
 11. At the airport, they ask to check your bags...and you're
      not carrying any luggage.
 12. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.
 13. Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free
      calendar... A month at a time.
 14. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
 15. Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
 16. When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...
      and it stays out.
 17. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.
 18. Conversations with people your own age often turn into
      "dueling ailments".
 19. You keep repeating yourself.
 20. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
 21. You discover the words, "whippersnapper", "scalawag" and
      "by-cracky" creeping into your vocabulary.
 22. You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all
      and go for the  rocker.
 23. You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
 24. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
 25. You look both ways before crossing a room.
 26. Your social security number only has three digits.
 27. You keep repeating yourself.
 28. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
 29. It takes you all night to do what you used to do all night.
 30. You go to a Garden Party and you're mainly interested in
      the garden.
 31. You find your mouth making promises your body can't keep.
 32. The waiter asks how you'd like your steak...and you say
      "pureed".
 33. At parties you attend, "regularity" is considered the topic of
      choice.
 34. You start beating everyone else at trivia games.
 35. You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of
      bread USED to cost.
 36. Your back goes out more than you do.
 37. You keep repeating yourself.
 38. Cafeteria food starts tasting GOOD.
 39. You refer to your $2500 stereo system as "The Hi-Fi."
 40. You make it a point to attend all the RV shows that come to
       town.
 41. You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show
      did when you were growing up.
 42. Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
 43. Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got
      your last promotion.
 44. The clothes you've put away until they come back in style...
      come back in style.
 45. All of your favorite movies are now revised in color.
 46. The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
 47. You keep repeating yourself.
 48. You find this list tasteless and insensitive

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Oct 1997 18:37:41 -0400
From:    David Burns <burnsd@GISCO.NET>
Subject: Welcome to Hell

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.

Devil:     Why so glum?

Guy:       Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil:     Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinking man?

Guy:       Sure I love to drink.

Devil:     We'll you're gonna love Mondays, then. On Mondays that's all
we do. Drink, Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers,
diet tab... We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy:       Gee, that sounds great.

Devil:     You a smoker?

Guy:       You better believe it.

Devil:     All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest
cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's
okay...you're already dead!

Guy:       No way!

Devil:     I bet you like to gamble.

Guy:       Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.

Devil:     Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack,
horse races; you name it. We've even opened up a Pai Gow poker table.

Guy:       Hmmm, I've never played pai gow before ...

Devil:     Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

Guy:       Yes, I love drugs! You don't mean ...

Devil:     That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big
bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of your head. You can do all the
drugs you want. If you overdose? It's okay! You're already dead!!

Guy:       Yes! I never realized that hell was such a swinging place!!

Devil:     So... are you gay?

Guy:       Uh, no.

Devil:     Ooooh (grimaces), you are gonna HATE Fridays!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Oct 1997 17:54:10 -0700
From:    Jack Falk <jackfalk@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject: Legal Humor

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare,  very
expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ... fire. Within a
month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having
yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a
claim against the insurance company.  In his claim, the man stated that
he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires".  The insurance
company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had
consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.  The man sued... and won!  In
delivering his  ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a
policy from the company  in which it had warranted that the cigars were
insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against
fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it
was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.  Rather than
endure a lengthy and  costly appeal process, the insurance company
accepted the judge's ruling  and paid the man $15,000 for the rare
cigars he lost in "the fires."

After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him
arrested... on 24 counts of arson!  With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the
man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced
to 24 consecutive one year terms!


http://www.tpw.com/ca/advantagegroup

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Oct 1997 21:43:42 PDT
From:    david jeffries <david_jeffries@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: John Denver (Off. to John's fans)

Drink + Drive = Di
Drink + Fly = Dive


His films were in his last thoughts. He was heard to cry out, "Oh God!"

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End of HUMOR Digest - 16 Oct 1997 to 17 Oct 1997
************************************************
