HUMOR Digest - 15 Oct 1997 to 16 Oct 1997
There are 13 messages totalling 614 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. coffee Junkies 
  2. Wild Blue Yonder Antics
  3. FW: Perfect
  4. Building the wrong way <clean>
  5. Vasectomy (adult)
  6. When??? (not off.)
  7. Microsoft sues Bandai (off. to MS supporters)
  8. Spider Robinson Pun parody (offensive to the ears only on days ending in
     y)
  9. Humor:adult,innuendo
 10. Martial Arts
 11. Beer and Ice Cream Diet
 12. Any Miss-Takes? <clean>
 13. John Denver (Offensive & in extreme bad taste)

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Date:    Wed, 15 Oct 1997 08:53:26 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: coffee Junkies

	You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...

You answer the door before people knock.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You speed walk in your sleep.
You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse
     and you don't even work there.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
Cocaine is a downer.
All your kids are named "Joe".
You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not
       plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
People can test their batteries in your ears.
Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in
       a coffee can.
You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
You get drunk just so you can sober up.
You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
Your Thermos is on wheels.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You have a conniption over spilled milk.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
You don't tan, you roast.
You don't get mad, you get steamed.
Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before, coffee during
        and coffee after.
Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced
        coffee to get you in the mood.
You can't even remember your second cup.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Oct 1997 04:02:13 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Wild Blue Yonder Antics

*   At a remote airstrip near the Rio Cocaineo (which I believe is
  Spanish for "White River") two small military aircraft landed to
  refuel.  While fuel was being pumped by hand from drums into his
  airplane, the senior officer was confronted by the distraught
  youngster piloting the second craft.
    "I'm flying a bomb," he announced. "There's something wrong with
  the fuel line, and the cockpit's full of fumes.  What shall I do ?"
    The commander, knowing the airstrip, cut from the dense Brazilian
  jungles to help fight drug traffic, offered no repair facilities at
  all, replied calmly, "Don't smoke !"
                                - - - - -

* Mother to departing Air Force recruit" "Now remember, the more stripes
  they have, the more you mind them."
                                - - - - -

*   During World War Two, an American flier was shot down and remained
  in a coma for two weeks before regaining consciousness in an English
  hospital.  "Where am I ?" he asked.
    "You're in jolly old England," replied his nurse with a pronounced
  cockney accent.
    "Oh... did I come here to die ?" asked the flier.
    "On no, dearie." said the nurse sympathetically, "You came here
  yesterdie."
                                - - - - -

*   I can well remember when I was awarded my pilot's wings in the Navy.
  As you can imagine, it's a time for celebration.  In fact, I can still
  vividly recall Mrs JimJr's first words --  "Ouch !"
                                - - - - -

* At the Air Defense Command, a recruit requested assignment to air
  combat training.  Asked by the psychologist why he desired hazardous
  duty, the young man replied, "Well, it's the only area of the Air
  Force I know of where you can retreat at a thousand miles per hour."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Oct 1997 11:46:14 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: FW: Perfect

thanx Gani

                 THE PERFECT STORY
           ------------------------------

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship,
they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a
winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being
the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint
any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his
toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple
and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?


The perfect woman.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

	BUT...  A Male's Response

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must
have been driving. This explains why there was an accident.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Oct 1997 11:50:55 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Building the wrong way <clean>

Transcript from Egypt Today radio phone-in, 3650 BC:

    "...And another thing that bothers me about those stupid pyramids,
is they've got them the wrong way up, haven't they? I mean, it stands
to reason, if you're gonna build a pyramid you've got to have the point-
bit face down.  I've been in the building trade for 20-odd years, so I
know what I'm talking about.  And another thing, these ugly great pyramids
are gonna kill the the tourist trade in Egypt stone dead, mark my words..."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Oct 1997 14:05:38 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <itf@INTOUCH.COM>
Subject: Vasectomy (adult)

A patient was waiting in a pre-op room for his vasectomy. A nurse walked
in, lifted his robes, and gave him a blow job. The patient exclaimed: "Hey,
that was great, but why?" The nurse responded: "The doctor likes your tubes
to be flushed prior to the operation." As the patient was being wheeled into
the operating room, he noticed other patients masturbating. He asked the
attendant why they were doing this. The attendant replied that they, too,
were about to have vasectomies. The patient then inquired why he got a blow
job, while they had to masturbate.

"Simple," said the attendant. "They have HMO, while you have Blue Cross."


http://nadi.home.ml.org
http://www.freeyellow.com/members/itf

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Oct 1997 10:01:34 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: When??? (not off.)

 Watching his date from the corner of his eye as he poured her a drink,
 the young bachelor said, "Say when." She replied, "Right after that
 drink."
		-----------------------------------

 Ratcliffe was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife
 and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into
 the car. The only thing he said was, "F.F." His wife turned to him and
 answered, "E.F." Out on the highway, he said, "F.F." She responded
 simply, "E.F." He repeated, "F.F." She again replied, "E.F."

 "Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?" Ratcliffe answered,
 "Your mother wants to eat first!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Oct 1997 09:32:34 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Microsoft sues Bandai (off. to MS supporters)

Redmond WA, (AP)
Microsoft (MSFT) has announced a 54 million dollar lawsuit against Bandai,
makers of Tamagotchi. Microsoft is claiming that the Tomagotchi electronic
pet is an infringement of its intellectual property.

Microsoft spokesperson, Erik Loregard stated "Software that needs constant
attention or else it dies? Sounds like Windows to me. This is clearly an
infringement on our technology."

A Bandai spokesperson said that any resemblance to Windows 95 was "coincidence."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Oct 1997 13:40:38 -0400
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Spider Robinson Pun parody (offensive to the ears only on days ending
         in y)

>From the book "The Callahan Touch" by Spider Robinson copyright 1993:
...a punning parody of 'That's Amore'

When-a you swim inna da sea, an' a eel bites-a you knee, dat's a moray
a New Zealander man with a permanent tan, that's a Maori-

When two patterns combine, in a way serpentine, that's a moire
He tells jokes, he's a ham; his last name's Amsterdam-dat's-a Morey!

If yer vitamins be mostly C, D and E....take some more A
oh, you play 'What I Say' very gay--won't you play that some more, Ray

My new ray-gun here tries to put out both your eyes:  it's a Moe-Ray--
If 'King Kong' has gone flat, rent the flick 'Vampire Bat' That's some
more Wray."


"The Callahan Chronicals" by Spider Robinson

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Oct 1997 14:13:18 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:adult,innuendo

By the time John pulled into the little town, everyhotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded to the last hotel manager,
"Or just a bed--I don't really care where. I'm completely exhausted"

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager,
"and I'm sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth,
he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week.
I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
The manager asked him how he survived. "Never better." John said.

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope. I shut him up in no time."

"How'd you manage that?"

"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful,'
and he sat up all night watching me."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Oct 1997 13:21:58 -0700
From:    "Dr. L. A. Wilson" <Allen_Wilson@BC.SYMPATICO.CA>
Subject: Martial Arts

A list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong:

1.  I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2.  Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3.  Gun wounds again?
4.  Same old rules:  no eyes, no groin.
5.  A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
6.  Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7.  Take my advice or I'll spank you without pants.
8.  Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9.  Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I have been scared shitless too much lately.
15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
                And finally...
18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Oct 1997 21:35:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Beer and Ice Cream Diet

From: Janine A Lovekamp

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree
centigrade.  Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you
eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part),
the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body
temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out
of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2
degrees F) will, in a short time, be raised to the normal body
temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 degrees F).  For each gram of dessert
eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above.
The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams.  Therefore, by
operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg.
x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is
normalized.

Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie
loss is approximately 5,000 calories.

Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the
faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted
glasses.  Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts
1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature
normalizing process.  Thus, the net calorie lss per ounce of beer is
1,020 calories.  It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that
12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in
the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more veneficial, since it
takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an
additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature.  The
results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

Unforunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza
(loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces
an opposite effect.  But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have
already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with
pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

We could all be thin if we were to adhere reigiously to a pizza, beer,
and ice cream diet.

Happy eating!


---
Beer and women: Two of God's best gifts to mankind.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Oct 1997 10:48:24 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Any Miss-Takes? <clean>

 I have a spelling checker
 I disk covered four my PC.
 It plane lee marks four my revue
 Miss steaks aye can knot see.

 Eye ran this poem threw it.
 Your sure real glad two no.
 Its very polished in its weigh,
 My checker tolled me sew.

 A checker is a blessing.
 It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
 It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
 And aides me when aye rime.

 Each frays comes posed up on my screen
 Eye trussed too bee a joule.
 The checker pours o'er every word
 To cheque sum spelling rule.

 Bee fore wee rote with checkers
 Hour spelling was inn deck line,
 Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
 Wee are not maid too wine.

 And now bee cause my spelling
 Is checked with such grate flare,
 There are know faults in awl this peace,
 Of nun eye am a wear.

 To rite with care is quite a feet
 Of witch won should be proud,
 And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
 Sew flaws are knot aloud.

 That's why eye brake in two averse
 Cuz Eye dew want too please.
 Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
 This soft wear four pea seas.

 Author Unknown


* Plus ca change,plus c'est la meme chose

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Oct 1997 22:56:16 PDT
From:    david jeffries <david_jeffries@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: John Denver (Offensive & in extreme bad taste)

       There's no truth to the rumour that John Denver's plane was
       being chased by three photographers in hang-gliders

       He's been everywhere- from Rocky Mountain High to Rocky
       Monterey Bay.

       Looks like John Denver has another hit.

       I'm told that John Denver was a plane down to earth kinda guy.

       What were the two design flaws that plagued John Denver's
       experimental plane?
       It wouldn't fly and it wouldn't  float.

       John Denver's new song? Thank god I'm a country buoy

       Why did John Denver crash?
       He wanted a smash hit in the 90's.

       John Denvers latest hit.
        I'm bleeding on a jet plane.
        Don't know if I will breath again...

       Denver's new lyrics:
        Sunshine on the water makes me nosedive.

       Best Not do Yer Flyin' Boy..
       (To the tune of "Thank God I'm A Country Boy")
       A sensitive tribute composed on the death of the muzak king,
       John Denver.

       (v1)
        Well I'd heard of Buddy Holly,
        And of Otis Redding too,
        And I'd heard of Lynard Skynard,
        What's a country boy to do?
        And I thought somethin' was fishy
        'Bout that airplane that I flew,
        Best not do yer flyin' boy.

       (CHORUS)
        Well I got me a plane,
        Though I talked of conservation.
        Takin' some 'ol "Country Roads"
        Would've helped my reputation,
        Now I've spread my body parts
        'Cross the west coast of the nation,
        Best not do your flyin' boy.

       (v2)
        Well I started my career out
        Playin' guitar on a stump,
        And I talked a lot like Grandpa Jones,
        But lived like Donald Trump.
        Now nothin's "fillin' up my senses,"
        Can't identify the lumps.
        Best not do yer' flyin' boy.

       (CHORUS)
        Well I got me a plane,
        Though I talked of conservation.
        Takin' some 'ol "Country Roads"
        Would've helped my reputation,
        Now I've spread my body parts
        'Cross the west coast of the nation,
        Best not do your flyin' boy.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 15 Oct 1997 to 16 Oct 1997
************************************************
