HUMOR Digest - 14 Oct 1997 to 15 Oct 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 613 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Have a Feast <may offend easily disgustables>
  2. Barbie for the 90's (offensive to Barbie fans)
  3. Faith Hope and Hilarity
  4. Jenny
  5. Anyone Need a Plane?
  6. Villian in Indian play enraged by hero accidentally striking him with
     arrow
  7. <humor> A Chorister's Confession
  8. review <off deBono>
  9. Humor - Stupid Criminal Story (2nd of 2)
 10. The TapeWorm <adult>

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Date:    Tue, 14 Oct 1997 08:02:08 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Have a Feast <may offend easily disgustables>

                NOSE PICKING GLOSSARY

THE KIDDIE PICK...When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly
twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and
freedom.  And the best part is, there's no time limit!

CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK...When, in the presence of other people,
you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and
hold back the smile.

FAKE NOSE SCRATCH...When you make believe you've got an itch but
you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.

MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT...You do it so furiously, and for so
long, you're probably entitled to dessert.

SURPRISE PICKINGS...When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come
hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it
off your shirt.

AUTOPICK...The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking.

PICK YOUR BRAINS...Done in private, this is the one where your
finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.

PICK AND SAVE...When you have to pick it quickly, just when
someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't
catch on to what you did.

PICK AND ROLL...No explanation needed.

PICK AND FLICK...Ditto.

PICK AND STICK...You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it
stubbornly clings to your fingertip.

PAYDIRT...The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it
improves your breathing by 90%.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Oct 1997 09:36:44 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Barbie for the 90's (offensive to Barbie fans)

New Barbie dolls to represent the diversity of women in the 90's:

DIVORCED BARBIE comes with all of Ken's accessories
TEENAGE SINGLE PARENT BARBIE "welfare check" from Mattel mailed each month
CRACK ADDICT BARBIE pipe included, sugar may be used to simulate crack
                    cocaine
BOULEVARD BARBIE with cheap makeup, short skirt, and high heels
LESBIAN BARBIE Barbie with a butch
LIPSTICK LESBIAN BARBIE actually no different in appearance from regular
                        Barbie
BULIMOREXIA BARBIE also no different in appearance from regular Barbie
BRUNETTE BARBIE the only Barbie with a brain
QUANTUM PHYSICIST BARBIE yeah, right
BOW-WOW BARBIE the ugliest Barbie you've ever seen
PUNK BARBIE has rings in all sorts of strange places
NAVY PILOT BARBIE comes with a body bag, wrecked fighter jet sold separately
BREAST IMPLANT BARBIE now Barbie's a D-cup (You gotta be kidding. She was
                      deformed already! Ed)
CANCER PATIENT BARBIE remove the wig and Barbie's bald
BLACK BARBIE once your Ken doll goes black, he'll never go back
FEMINIST BARBIE has unshaved legs and armpits
BATTERED WIFE BARBIE comes with a restraining order to serve to Ken
BARBIE BOBBIT with knife, Ken had better watch out
BAG LADY BARBIE Complete with shopping cart; wearing everything she owns.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Oct 1997 04:02:21 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Faith Hope and Hilarity

*   A young Priest, fresh out of a seminary in Madrid, was assigned
  to a parish in Rio de Janeiro.  Since he spoke only Spanish or
  English, he was assigned to assist the tourists with their worship.
    After hearing his first confession, the young curate went to an
  older Priest and asked, "Well Father, how did I make out ?"
    "My son," said the older, wiser Priest, "you did very well.  But
  one suggestion: When you hear the confessions of these pretty
  young women, it would be a bit more seemly if you went 'Tsk Tsk'
  or some other mild admonishment rather than 'Wow...' 'Far out...'
  'No Way...' and so on."
                                - - - - -

*   A young California couple took a visiting Aunt for a drive, and
  pointed out a fig tree as one of the sights.
    "Fig tree ?" exclaimed the elderly woman.  "That cannot be a fig
  tree for goodness sakes."
    "Certainly is." replied her Niece.  "What makes you think it's not
  a fig tree ?"
    "well..." said the Aunt, subsiding a little, "I just thought...
  surely...  the leaves must be bigger than that."
                                - - - - -

*   A woman tourist visiting the Holy Land went to a tourist office
  for information on the roads.  Told that it was now possible to go
  by car all the way from Dan to Beersheba, she confessed, "You know,
  I never knew that Dan and Beersheba were places.  I always thought
  they were husband and wife, you know, like Sodom and Gomorrah."
                                - - - - -

* Mrs JimJr is such an eagle eye.  After Church one Sunday, she said
  to me on the way home, "I noticed you slipped an extra twenty into
  the collection plate.  Exactly what have you done now ?"


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Oct 1997 08:42:31 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Jenny

The Top 16 Rejected Jenny McCarthy TV Pilots

16> My So-Called Talent

15> Mary Tyler Moron

14> Get Smart -- Please!

13> The XXX-Files

12> Masterpiece Theater Unplugged!

11> PR

10> The Wonderbra Years

 9> Saved by the Bell Curve

 8> Murder, She Giggled

 7> Full Blouse

 6> What's My Lines?

 5> Real Sex With Jenny McCarthy and Jeff Downey

 4> Hormone Improvement

 3> IQ of Thirtysomething

 2> Leave It To Cleavage

and the Number 1 Rejected Jenny McCarthy TV Pilot...

 1> 3rd Rock from the Ear

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Oct 1997 13:04:21 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Anyone Need a Plane?

                    MCDONNELL DOUGLAS WARRANTY CARD

 The following was a page put on the McDonnell Douglas Internet home page
 by a worker with a sense of humor. The company took exception to it,
 however...

 AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES
 Important! Important! Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days
 of purchase.

 Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order
 to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the
 warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not
 required, but the information will help us to develop new products that
 best meet your needs and desires.

 1. _Mr.   _Mrs.   _Ms.   _Miss   _Lt.   _Gen.   _Comrade   _Classified

    _Other

 First Name _________________ Initial______ Last Name ____________________

 Password _____________________________

 Code Name ____________________________

 Latitude __________   Longitude __________   Altitude __________


 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
   ___F-14 Tomcat   ___F-15 Eagle   ___F-16 Falcon  __F-117A Stealth
   ___Classified

 3. Date of purchase: Month:__________  Day: __________ Year: __________

 4. Serial Number:______________________________________________________

 5. Please check where this product was purchased:
	___Received as gift/aid package
	___Catalog showroom
	___Sleazy arms broker
	___Mail order
	___Discount store
	___Government surplus
	___Classified

 6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product
    you have just purchased:
	___Heard loud noise, looked up
	___Store display
	___Espionage
	___Recommended by friend/relative/ally
	___Political lobbying by manufacturer
	___Was attacked by one

 7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision
    to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
	___Style/appearance
	___Kickback/bribe
	___Recommended by salesperson
	___Speed/maneuverability
	___Comfort/convenience
	___McDonnell Douglas reputation
	___Advanced Weapons Systems
	___Price/value
	___Backroom politics
	___Negative experience opposing one in combat

 8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
	___North America
	___Central/South America
	___Aircraft carrier
	___Europe
	___Middle East
	___Africa
	___Asia/Far East
	___Misc. Third World countries
	___Classified

 9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to
    purchase in the near future:
		Product              Own         Intend to purchase

		Color TV	     ____               ____  	
		VCR                  ____               ____
		ICBM                 ____               ____
		Killer Satellite     ____               ____
		CD Player            ____               ____
		Air-to-Air Missiles  ____               ____
		Space Shuttle        ____               ____
		Home Computer        ____               ____
		Nuclear Weapon       ____               ____

 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization?
     Check all that apply:
	___Communist/Socialist
	___Terrorist
	___Crazed
	___Neutral
	___Democratic
	___Dictatorship
	___Corrupt
	___Primitive/Tribal

 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
	___Cash
	___Suitcases of cocaine
	___Oil revenues
	___Deficit spending
	___Personal check
	___Credit card
	___Ransom money
	___Traveler's check

 12.    Occupation                   You                Your Spouse
	- - - - - - -               - - - -             - - - - - - -
        Homemaker                    _____                  _____    
	Sales/marketing              _____                  _____
	Revolutionary                _____                  _____
	Clerical                     _____                  _____
	Mercenary                    _____                  _____
	Tyrant                       _____                  _____
	Middle management            _____                  _____
	Eccentric billionaire        _____                  _____
	Defense Minister/general     _____                  _____
	Retired                      _____                  _____
	Student                      _____                  _____

 13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the
     interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
     participating on a regular basis:
 	  Activity/Interest                You             Your Spouse
         - - - - - - - - - -              - - -            - - - - - -      
	Golf                               _____              _____
	Boating/sailing                    _____              _____
	Sabotage                           _____              _____
	Running/jogging                    _____              _____
	Propaganda/disinformation          _____              _____
	Destabilization/overthrow          _____              _____
	Default on loans                   _____              _____
	Gardening                          _____              _____
	Crafts                             _____              _____
	Black market/smuggling             _____              _____
	Collectibles/collections           _____              _____
	Watching sports on TV              _____              _____
	Wines                              _____              _____
	Interrogation/torture              _____              _____
	Household pets                     _____              _____
	Crushing rebellions                _____              _____
	Espionage/reconnaissance           _____              _____
	Fashion clothing                   _____              _____
	Border disputes                    _____              _____
	Mutually Assured Destruction       _____              _____

 Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers
 will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you
 better in the future--as well as allowing you to receive mailings and
 special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and
 mysterious consortia.

 Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

 McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
 Marketing Department
 Military Aerospace Division
 P.O. Box 800
 St. Louis"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Oct 1997 13:36:28 -0400
From:    Joydeep Mitra <mitra@AECOM.YU.EDU>
Subject: Villian in Indian play enraged by hero accidentally striking him with
         arrow

India News Network Digest    Wed , 14  Oct 97
Volume 2 : Issue DC&DH #8. Ram-Ravan mock battle turns real

The mock battle between Ram and Ravan turned real at a Ramlila stage in
Bihar when an arrow shot by the Prince of Ayodhya actually hit the King of
Lanka. The demon King reacted with a volley of abuses right on stage as
soon as the arrow, meant to fly by his side, pierced his body.

This, in turn, angered the devout spectators who rushed onto the stage to
attack the foul-mouthed villain. The drama had its climax in the injured
and frightened Ravan fleeing from the scene with an irate mob hot on their
heels. The mob finally had the satisfaction of fixing the heretic as Dasara
came to a close with the effigy of the 10-headed monster going up in flames.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Oct 1997 14:01:41 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <humor> A Chorister's Confession

INTERNET:savoynet@bridgewater.edu
From: Tim Cooper <tgc@unb.ca>

Rec'd this recently from a choir member

A Chorister's Confession

Almighty and most merciful Conductor,
We have erred and strayed from Thy beat like lost sheep;
We have followed too much the intonations and tempi of our own hearts.
We have offended against Thy dynamic markings.
We have left unsung those notes which we ought to have sung
And we have sung those notes which we ought not to have sung
And there is no support in us.

But Thou, O Conductor, have mercy upon us, miserable singers;
Succour the chorally challenged;
Restore Thou them that need sectionals;
Spare Thou them that have pencils.
Pardon our mistakes, and have faith that hereafter we will follow Thy
directions
And sing together in perfect harmony.

anonymous

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Oct 1997 19:58:35 0
From:    Alan Campbell <alanc@MISTRAL.CO.UK>
Subject: review <off deBono>

	[Personal message deleted for Archival Purposes]	

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Oct 1997 16:43:13 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Stupid Criminal Story (2nd of 2)

Copied from Ann Landers Column:

 Dear Ann Landers: Here's another letter for your Stupid Criminal file: A
husband and wife decided to rob a service station. The wife held a gun on
the assistant manager in the office while the husband forced the manager at
gunpoint to the room where the safe was.

 While alone with the wife, the assistant manager told her about the
wonderful contest they were having and suggested that she enter it. She
eagerly filled out an entry blank with her name, address and phone number.
As soon as the couple left with the loot, the assistant manager retrieved
her entry blank and notified the police. -- Oklahoma City

 Dear O. City: Did she win anything -- other than a stretch in the slammer?


Note - Ann Landers is a syndicated advice columnist.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Oct 1997 09:16:42 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The TapeWorm <adult>

 This guy went to see his doctor and was diagnosed as having a
 tapeworm. "They're not easy to get rid of, but we'll give it our
 bestshot,"the doctor told him, and instructed him to come in every
 day for two weeks, and to bring a lemon cookie and a hard-boiled egg.

 The guy agreed, and showed up the next morning with the two items.
 Tohis horror, the doctor shoved the hard-boiled egg up his asshole,
 followed it with the crumbled-up cookie, and sent him home. This
 wenton for twelve more days,at which point the doctor's instructions
 wereto forget the cookie and bring in the egg and a hammer.

 On the last day the fellow dropped his pants in considerable
 apprehension,gritting his teeth as the doctor inserted the egg up
 hisass and calmly sat back. A few minutes later the tapeworm stuck
 his head out and said, "Where in the fuck is my lemon cookie?"

* Plus ca change,plus c'est la meme chose

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End of HUMOR Digest - 14 Oct 1997 to 15 Oct 1997
************************************************
