HUMOR Digest - 13 Oct 1997 to 14 Oct 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 527 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Storm(may be offensive to women)
  2. Might be offensive to Nurses or women  in general
  3. You too Can Have a Phobia
  4. Joan Of Arc <iconoclastic, perhaps>
  5. Accountant Jokes (off. to Accountants)
  6. Humor - It's A Wacky World!
  7. sick and wrong
  8. A question of out-sourcing
  9. Desert Story <adult>
 10. Suicide and grape!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 13 Oct 1997 08:40:16 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: The Storm(may be offensive to women)

			The Terrible Storm
   A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm.
The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The
passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash
and they are all going to die.
   At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I
can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal,
strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a
woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?"
She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk
up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can
see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane.
   He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make
you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?" Eagerly, she
shakes her head, Yes!
   As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this."

* Fighting for peace is like @#$%ing for virginity

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 13 Oct 1997 02:33:34 -0500
From:    Fred <fredb@CHEERFUL.COM>
Subject: Might be offensive to Nurses or women  in general

   A man knew that he had to go into the hospital so he decided to check 
a few out to see which one he would go into. He was getting a tour at one 
of the hospitals by the administrator and he looked into a hospital room
and saw a patient in the room masturbating. He asked "what is his
problem?"
   The administrator said that he had a rare testicle disease and he had
to do that three times a day. The next room they came to had a patient in
the bed and a nurse was giving him oral sex.
   He again asked, "what is HIS problem?" to which the administrator said,
He has the same problem but he has a better health plan.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 13 Oct 1997 04:03:36 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: You too Can Have a Phobia

*   A patient underwent intense therapy to rid him of the delusion
  that a huge fortune awaited him.  He was expecting two letters:
  one would give him sole title to a huge Spanish treasure lost by
  Francisco Orellena in the Amazon River; the other, of course,
  from Publisher's Clearing House awarding him 11.7 million dollars.
    Just when the psychiatrist was making real progress in curing
  the man, both letters arrived.
                                - - - - -

* Psychiatrist to Internal Revenue agent on couch: "Nonsense !  No
  way does everyone in the world hate you -- everyone in the US
  perhaps -- but certainly not everyone in the world.
                                - - - - -

*   I dated this flake one time.  Upon picking her up for dinner,
  she said, "Jimmy, I hope you don't mind, but I'm feeling a little
  schizophrenic tonite."
    "Good !" I said. "That makes four of us."
                                - - - - -

*   Psychiatrist to patient: "We've made great strides in your case
  Mr. Blumberg.  Originally it was thought that phobias such as this
  were a result of a chemical imbalance in the brain.  Now we've
  progressed to the point where we don't know what causes it."
                                - - - - -

*   Speaking of phobias (I was), there's a little known phobia called
  "Kemophobia".  People suffering from this fear have the notion that
  sitting too close to the edge of a chair will cause them to fall onto
  the floor.  You can spot them by their constant hitching themselves
  back in their chairs.
    They're taught to push themselves back firmly and quickly onto the
  chair when first seated, in order to conquer this terrible dread.
    Unfortunately, this often causes the person to tip themselves over
  backwards, developing an entirely new phobia as yet unnamed.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 13 Oct 1997 13:06:24 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Joan Of Arc <iconoclastic, perhaps>

Report, Rouen Herald, May 31, 1431:

        Bystanders insisted that they were sympathetic with the victim.
"It was terribly difficult for all of us seeing Joan of Arc burnt to a
crisp today," commented Mr. Faux-Pas, 43 "but I managed to get my hands on
a pair of binoculars, which made it a lot easier.  It was well worth the
entrance fee."  After the blaze, they remembered the victim with tears in
their eyes. "She was so compassionate and caring," chimed in Mrs.
La-Grosse, 64  "As we've seen here tonight, she had this extraordinary
ability to light up the whole room.  It's the press I blame."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 13 Oct 1997 08:51:18 -0700
From:    Jack Falk <jackfalk@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject: Accountant Jokes (off. to Accountants)

Q: What's an auditor?
A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Q: What does an accountant use for birth control?
A: His/her personality.

Q: What's an accountant's idea of trashing his/her hotel room?
A: Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an
   undertaker.

Q: What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
A: Go into town and gang-audit someone.

Q: What's the definition of an accountant?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you
don't understand.

Q: What's an actuary?
A: An accountant without the sense of humour.

Q: Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
A: They find bookkeeping too exciting.

Q: What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
A: Invite an accountant.

Q: What's an extroverted accountant?
A: One who looks at your shoes while he's/she's talking to you instead
   of his/her own.

Q: There are three kinds of accountants in the world.
A: Those who can count and those who can't.

Q: What's a shy and retiring accountant?
A: An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's/she's
   retiring.

My accountant told me that the only reason why my business is looking up
is that it's flat on it's back.

A fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their
hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says, "Can I
help? Have you lost something?" "No," says one of the doctors. "We're
about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we're looking for a
suitable stone."

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting
sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three
hours trying to find it."

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new
accountant. His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant
a few weeks ago?" The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're
looking for."

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value
of nothing.

Old accountants never die. They just lose their balance.


http://www.tpw.com/ca/advantagegroup

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 13 Oct 1997 11:00:35 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - It's A Wacky World!

Thanks to "Maurizio Mariotti"

ANGRY JUDGE'S TEMPER NOSE NO BOUNDS

A judge is being prosecuted under US federal civil rights law for
biting the nose of a defendant who swore at him for refusing to
reduce bail in a larceny case.
A supreme court report says Justice Joseph Troisi, 47, faces a
possible penalty of 10 years in jail and a fine of $ 250,000 for
losing his temper and biting Bill Witten, 26, on the nose in a
Morgantown court in West Virginia.

Source: The Telegraph of London

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 13 Oct 1997 17:33:39 -0500
From:    Ray Oswald <roswald@INAME.COM>
Subject: sick and wrong

What is the worst thing about having sex with a prostitute in the morning?

Have you ever tried to open a grilled cheese sandwich?

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 13 Oct 1997 21:14:33 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A question of out-sourcing

 IS OUT-SOURCING THE ULTIMATE OBJECTIVE ?

 CANBERRA, ATC - Peter Fyfe, Director, Residences at the University of
 Canberra and father of two, has announced plans to outsource his
 children to a private enterprise specialising in child rearing as part
 of his family's cost saving effort. Fyfe said that his request for
 proposals will go very soon, and that he hopes that a contractor will
 be in place by Christmas 1997.

 Fyfe says that he anticipates saving 25% of his child rearing expenses
 by hiring a company which specialises in the field. He believes that
 between the things that his kids destroy, the wear and tear the kids
 put on the family residence and vehicles, and the other expenses such
 as school and activities, he should be able to pay a private firm
 about 75% of what he currently spends on his children.

 Although his children have expressed concern that being raised by
 non-parents would be impersonal and would deprive them of some of
 their current privileges, Fyfe has worked to alleviate their fears. H
 held a family dinner meeting to announce the decision and told the
 kids that that mere parents don't really know how to raise kids until
 the kids are grown. This is obvious because every grandparent on the
 street has advice to give to any parent they meet. A professional
 child rearing service would already know how to raise children and not
 make the mistake s of  a rookie parent.

 The out source proposal requires companies to provide the children
 with benefits at least the same overall level as they receive at
 home, with some benefits (TV hours for example) expanding, while
 others (parenting attention) declining. The proposal mandates certain
 "core" benefits, such as food, clothing, and schooling; but, leaves
 the non-core (music, sport, television) at the discretion of the
 contractor.

 The out-sourcing would phase in over a six month period, with the
 children initially spending daytime hours at their out-source site and
 sleeping at their parent's home; but, as space becomes available
 offsite, the children will begin spending all their time away from
 home except when they are desperately needed at home (for example,
 when the yard needs "patrolling").

 The children originally expressed dismay at residing off-site, but
 Fyfe told them that they would have weekly visitation to the house to
 retrieve any personal belongings, get new books, 'perform' on their
 musical instruments or talk to their parents. This would also allow
 the kids to visit their pet (one dog), at least until phase 2 of
 Fyfe's cost cutting spree, which includes out-sourcing the family pet.
 Fyfe would not say where he came up with the idea of out-sourcing the
 children, other than to admit that he and his wife were having a
 discussion about family finances which illustrated the need to raise
 the family in a "better, faster, cheaper" mode.

 Although his wife was initially reluctant to have the children raised
 off-site, Fyfe convinced her to accept the scheme because she too was
 eligible for "out-sourcing."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Oct 1997 10:36:18 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Desert Story <adult>

A new captain was assigned to a unit in the desert. The first order he
gave was to get rid of a mangy old camel. A soldier told him "Noo Noo it
is the only way we have to get sexual relief." The captain said that was
disgusting and to get rid of the camel.  A few weeks later the captain
was having a bad spell of hornyness. He said to the soldier. Gee I'm
sorry I told you to get rid of that camel now. The soldier said "Well we
the Captain. The soldier took the captain to the camel and the captain
removed his pants and started making love to the camel. He looked over
and the soldier was dying laughing and saying "Noo Noo Noo you get on
the camel and ride to the whore house in town."


* Plus ca change,plus c'est la meme chose

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Oct 1997 01:41:18 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Suicide and grape!

In Crown Point, Indiana, police have re-opened the case of a man who
died from 32 hammer blows to his head. The cause of death had been
ruled a suicide, in spite of the County coroner's opinion that a man
simply could not remain conscious long enough to hit himself in the
head 32 times.
			- - - - - - - - - - - - -		

   A woman came screaming into the local police station shouting, "I've
been graped!  I've been graped!"
  The policeman on duty stared and said, "Madam, do you mean you've been
raped?"
  "No," she said, "there was a bunch of them!"

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 13 Oct 1997 to 14 Oct 1997
************************************************
