HUMOR Digest - 12 Oct 1997 to 13 Oct 1997
There are 4 messages totalling 311 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Moore on Art
  2. HUMOR List Traffic Report
  3. Playmate IQ (offensive to playmates)
  4. The Industrial Age <adult>

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Date:    Sun, 12 Oct 1997 03:53:38 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Moore on Art

*   One of my neighbors, Gina, is an accomplished artist herself
  as well as a gallery owner.  My taste in art leans more towards
  "PlayBoy" magazine than "kinetic action" or "vibrant validity";
  but I have attended several of her shows.
    At one such event, of so called "abstract and cubist" works,
  I was attracted to a rather unusual rendering with a nice frame.
    Gina came over to ask me if I saw anything I liked and I pointed
  to the one I had been studying for a while.
    "That's the light switch Jimmy." she said in dismay.
                                - - - - -

*   Once, during a discussion of art and artists, I asked Gina if she
  thought the ability to paint was inherited.
    She replied, "Well take the Spanish painter Velazquez, who is
  very popular in Brazil by the way, but that's another story.  Anyway
  did you ever hear of Velazquez's Mother ?"
    "Well, no." I admitted.
    "Have you ever seen anything by Velazquuez's Father ?"
    Again I replied in the negative.
    "Well," Gina said, "I guess you see what I mean then."
    I agreed because I didn't want to crush her by saying that I never
  heard of Velazquez either.  Maybe the next time I'm in Brazil...
                                - - - - -

* Getting back to all this "expressionism" in art, personally I think
  things ought to look like things. To me it's fairly easy to tell what
  the artists are trying to say with their smears and swirls -- they're
  trying to say they can't paint worth a damn.
                                - - - - -

*   I think my Grandson best summed up my feelings.  We were looking at
  one wild mish-mash of colors and he asked, "What's that ?"
    I said, "It's supposed to be a cowboy on his horse."
    "Well," he continued, "Why isn't it ?"


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sun, 12 Oct 1997 11:33:02 -0400
From:    Jim <jimphynn@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: HUMOR List Traffic Report

Hi, everyone!  This is Jim, with this week's Traffic Report.  When
there aren't any problems with my computer, I send this message every
week to the contributors.  (There have been problems of late, to be
explained shortly).  Once a month I send this message to the entire
HUMOR List.  Welcome to October.

  Before I get into HUMOR-specific news and information, I would like
to provide the following public service announcement to anyone reading
these words who, like me, owns a Macintosh (Power Mac or Performa) with
a number between 5400 and 6500 (or the Twentieth Anniversary Mac),
running system versions 7.6.1 or 8.  Apparently there is a problem with
the software driver for your hard drive, and it will occasionally, on
startup, give you what is becoming known as the "Flashing Question Mark
Condition," the only remedy of which is to initialize -- and thereby
erase the entire Hard Drive with all of the data stored on it (or as a
preventative measure, never shut your computer down).  Apple has
documented this in detail, and has uploaded to their website the fix
for this condition.  It is Drive Setup version 1.3.1.  If you fall into
the category described at the beginning of this paragraph, go
immediately to http://www.info.apple.com/ for the fix.

  Now that I've done my good deed for the day, let me do my job.  :-)
About a month ago, several people subscribed to HUMOR found themselves
in a humorless situation when the listserver had apparently removed
their subscription because of Internet gateway issues between their
server and HUMOR's listserver.  This has been corrected, and if you
know anyone who lost their subscription because of this, feel free to
tell them it's safe to come back and play.  To subscribe to HUMOR, send
LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SUBSCRIBE HUMOR followed by your
real name.  This command, like all commands I will give here, goes in
the body of your text.

  If you would rather lead a humor-less life, you may unsubscribe from
the list by sending LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR

  If you currently get the list in digest format and would rather
receive it in "mail" format, receiving the posts as they are posted,
send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SET HUMOR MAIL.  To switch
back to digest format, the command is SET HUMOR DIGEST.  If you would
like to suspend, temporarily, the delivery of HUMOR, use the command
SET HUMOR NOMAIL.  To start up again, use the same command you would
use to choose the way you receive it.

  If you want to 'conceal' your subscription from people who may
wantonly and without regard for your interest in the product they may
be trying to sell, use the command SET HUMOR CONCEAL.

  And finally, let's say you read something here, and it inspires you.
You realize that you're a funny person, too, and you would like to
share your offbeat sense of humor with everyone reading these words.
You, too, can become a contributor!  You've got to have a grasp of the
rules of humor, and you'll be tested as a proof of it.  Send the
command GET HUMOR GUIDE.

  Now that my computer is fully functional again, I'll be working over
the course of this week to bring HUMOR's website back up to its normal
level.  If you have any questions, feel free to email me at
jimphynn@mindspring.com, visit my website at
http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn, or visit HUMOR's website at
http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/humor.html

Have a great week, for those of you who are also contributors, and a
great month for those of you who just receive the list...

               Traffic Report for HUMOR, 5 October - 11 October
                  (Number of articles posted each day)

                  4 Weeks  3 Weeks  2 Weeks   1 Week    Last
Date   Day          Back     Back     Back     Back     Week

   5  Sunday          8       10       10        7        4
   6  Monday         12       15       16       19       11
   7  Tuesday        10       15       10       13       14
   8  Wednesday      10       17        7       10        9
   9  Thursday       10       12        9       11       13
  10  Friday         11       11       12       14       12
  11  Saturday        8        4        6       10        5

   Average           9.9     12.0     10.0     12.0      9.7

Subscriptions       8 819    8 782    8 803    8 801    8 766
Countries            103      103      103      103      103
Contributors         705      719      721      719      713

These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin board,
area distribution lists, etc.  These numbers include both concealed
and non-concealed subscribers.
-----

And now for my usual contribution of humor:
Subject:  Hell, I'd volunteer

Excerpted from the book _Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest,_ (c) 1996 by John J
Kohut and Roland Sweet

British Rail announced plans to harness some of its employees to posts
six to nine feet from railroad tracks to determine how close
maintenance workers could safely work to trains travelling up to 140
mph.  No BR workers volunteered, but, according to a spokesperson, more
than 50 members of the public called to offer their services, including
one caller who termed the experiment, "the railway equivalent of bungee
jumping."
-----

   Jim Goldman,  HUMOR list Traffic Reporter and Webmaster
jimphynn@mindspring.com        http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 12 Oct 1997 20:19:39 -0400
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Playmate IQ (offensive to playmates)

A few months ago, Howard Stern hosted Julie Cailini ('96 Playmate of
the Year) and Stacey Sanchez ('97 Playmate of the Year) for a morning
of sordid joviality.

The ladies, who were promoting their latest calendars, answered ten
questions from Howard, ostensibly to demonstrate how important it is for
them *AS ROLE MODELS* for young women to stay up on current affairs. The
ladies' answers were amusing (and a bit sad), but the bit did prove that
you don't have to be a neurosurgeon to earn a pile of cash! Love him or
hate him, you have to appreciate Howard's sense of the absurd.

Q: Who is the President of Russia?
Julie: "Gorbachev"
Stacey: "Gretzky"
(correct answer: Boris Yeltsin)

Q: Define the meaning of NAACP.
Julie: "Something, something, for Certified Pianists"
Stacey: "It's some kind of police organization."
(correct answer: National Association for the Advancement of Colored People)

Q: Who was the inventor of the lightbulb?
Julie: "I know Edison invented the telephone, but I can't remember the
        Light bulb guy."
Stacey: "I don't know."
(correct answer: Thomas A. Edison. Alexander Graham Bell was the phone guy!)

Q: Who is the Speaker of the House?
Julie: "Gore something-or-other."
Stacey: "Bill Clinton."
(correct answer: Newt Gingrich. Al "Gore" is the U.S. Vice President, "Bill
 Clinton" is president.)

Q: Define the meaning of the letters CIA.
Julie: "I don't know."
Stacey: "Certified Investigation Association."
(correct answer: Central Intelligence Agency)

Q: What is the center of our solar system?
Julie: "The Equator"
Stacey: "The Moon"
(correct answer: The Sun)

Changing his tack to create better odds for the girls, Howard switched
to what he termed "industry related" questions:

Q: What do the initials "DK" stand for?
A: both knew it was fashion designer "Donna Karan."

Q: What is "Cristal?"
A: Both knew it was an elite champagne

Q: What car company has a model known as a "911?"
A: both knew it was Porsche.

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Date:    Mon, 13 Oct 1997 10:35:20 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Industrial Age <adult>

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he
needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the
desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the
hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine,
inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time
the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman
pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected
the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25
cents." "Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his
hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What
Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents," The salesman
was embarassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty
cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his "thing" into the opening -
with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman
was able to withdraw his "thingy" which now had a button sewed on the tip.


* Plus ca change,plus c'est la meme chose

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End of HUMOR Digest - 12 Oct 1997 to 13 Oct 1997
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