HUMOR Digest - 11 Oct 1997 to 12 Oct 1997
There are 5 messages totalling 175 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Mrs JimJr -- Cook Extraordinary
  2. Humor - Stupid Criminal Story
  3. Politically Correct
  4. Tales from the Bagel Lancers
  5. 3 chances

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Date:    Sat, 11 Oct 1997 04:00:37 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Mrs JimJr -- Cook Extraordinary

* Mrs. JimJr is probably one of the world's worst cooks. She has a
  certain knack to prepare food that's just not your common fare.
  Her latest recipe book is called "Rejected by Martha Stewart".
                                - - - - -

* Y'all should be able to sample some of the dishes she prepares.  I
  mean when's the last time you had any baked water or french fried
  mustard or even pickled chinese fortune cookies ?
                                - - - - -

* Last year she made me a surprise birthday cake -- with the candles
  on the inside -- LIT !
                                - - - - -

* Just the other nite at dinner, she was saying that she considers
  her two best recipes as meat loaf and brownies.  I asked her which
  one of the two it was we were eating at the time.
                                - - - - -

* Like a lot of other American families, I've always insisted that we
  say a blessing at all meals too.  Our tradition is just slightly
  different than most though.  We always said grace following the
  meal, to show we're thankful for having survived yet another.
                                - - - - -

* My wife even taught our daughter to cook.  She explained the idea of
  not wasting food.  For example, making carrot pie out of left-over
  carrots.  Of course, you then face the problem of what the hell to do
  with the left-over carrot pie.
                                - - - - -

* All this explains why we eat out often.  Just the other nite, I was
  able to order an entire meal in French; even the waiter was totally
  shocked -- it was  Chinese Restaurant.  I'm telling ya, all during
  the meal, I kept having flashbacks of me speaking Spanish in Brazil.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sat, 11 Oct 1997 12:00:53 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Stupid Criminal Story

Copied from Ann Landers Column:

 Dear Ann Landers: You recently printed some stories about stupid
criminals. Here's one you might like. It appeared in a Chicago paper:

 A Norwegian burglar broke into an Oslo home in midafternoon. No one was in
the house. He promptly filled three large suitcases with loot, used the
phone to order a taxi, waited outside on the street with his bounty, gave
the driver his card bearing his name and address, and asked to be driven
home.

 The robber then paid the driver, took the loot inside and began to sort
through it. Shortly after, he heard a knock on the door and found himself
face to face with a police officer. He was promptly arrested. His comment
was: "I had this planned perfectly. What went wrong?" -- I'd Rather Be a
Dane

 Dear Dane: In the interest of good international relations, I shall
refrain from making any comment. But thanks for my laugh of the day.



Note - Ann Landers is a syndicated advice columnist.

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Date:    Sun, 12 Oct 1997 00:30:09 GMT+2
From:    "M.Schyff" <schyffm@KBPNFS03.ESKOM.CO.ZA>
Subject: Politically Correct

Sent by a friend :
This article appeared in the Star Newspaper of this last Thursday.

President Mandela goes on an official state visit to a small central
African country.  At the airport, he is met by this country's Minister
of Harbours.

Mandela realizes that this is absurd -- the country is land locked.

At the official State Banquest, he leans over to the President of the
country and asks: "Mr. President, why do you have a Minister of Harbours
when you don't have a harbour ?"

The President looks at Mr. Mandela and says: "That may be true Mr.
Mandela, but why then do you have a Minister of Law and Order?" 

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Date:    Sat, 11 Oct 1997 22:12:49 -0400
From:    Gail Katz <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: Tales from the Bagel Lancers

     The Bar Mitzvah was being held in the Royal Box at the Fountainbleu
Catering Hall in the Bronx.  The room was decorated lavishly with beautiful
flowers.  The smorgasbord table was overflowing with hot and cold delicacies
to tempt any appetite.  Statues of ice, spewing forth pink punch, were at
either end of the long table.
     Mr & Mrs Harry Teitlebaum arrive a little late.  They surveyed the
situation and were annoyed by the ostentation.  They were civil rights
workers and it bothered them to see so much money spent on so worthless a
cause.  But their cousin Bruce's Bar Mitzvah was a must or Mama Teitlebaum
would never forgive them.
     As they walked to one of the three bars for a drink, the hostess greeted
them warmly and gushed, "Isn't this a beautiful affair?"  And pointing to a
small round table topped witha life-sized sculpture of the Bar Mitzvah boy
made of chopped liver, she asked, "And what do you think of the gorgeous
statue of my Bruce?"
     This was just too much for Harry Teitlebaum.  In a voice dripping with
sarcasm, he snarled, "Why, I've never seen anything to equal it.  Who did it?
 Lipschitz or Epstein?"
      "Lipschitz, of course, darling!"  boasted the proud mama, "Epstein
works only in  halvah!"

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Date:    Sat, 11 Oct 1997 19:50:58 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: 3 chances

A traveling preacher finds himself caught in a tremendous rainstorm.
Within a few hours, the motel he's staying in is flooded. As the water
rises, the preacher climbs to the roof and starts praying.

Just then, a coast guard rescue party floats by in a rowboat. "Let's go,
mister, into the boat." "I'll stay here," says the preacher. "The Lord
will save me."

An hour later, a second boat reaches the motel. "Sir, you better get in.
The water is still rising." "No thanks," says the preacher.  "The Lord is
my salvation."

Toward evening, the motel is almost completely under water, & the preacher
is clinging to the satellite dish on the roof.

"Hey buddy, get in the boat!   This is your last chance." "I'm all right,"
says the preacher, looking toward heaven.  I KNOW the Lord will provide."

As the boat departs, the satellite dish is hit by lightning, & the preacher
is killed.  When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, he is furious. "What
happened?" he shouts.  "I thought the Lord would provide!"

Within seconds, a thunderous reply is heard: "Gimme a break, pal.
I sent three boats!"

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End of HUMOR Digest - 11 Oct 1997 to 12 Oct 1997
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