HUMOR Digest - 10 Oct 1997 to 11 Oct 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 643 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Humour
  2. Moore Unexpected Answers <some adult humor>
  3. worth quoting <inoff>
  4. Dictionary Description (Rated ??)
  5. Humor:Flight specs....
  6. Oldest Profession
  7. Golf Genie (Adult)
  8. Telltale Signs of Advanced Parenthood
  9. FW: Indians and Pakis
 10. Humor - Kubando, The Political Pundit
 11. Hexadecimal top ten list... (offensive to cosmonauts)
 12. The Hamster Chronicles

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Date:    Fri, 10 Oct 1997 15:16:22 -0000
From:    Stephen McCabe <bigsteve@ALLES.OR.JP>
Subject: Humour

While we were moving house lately, I found this in an old copy of 
Punch. I thought that you might enjoy it, although I suspect that
the English teachers among us will simply sigh quietly.

		YOUNG TONGUES GO FOR IT

Every summer the South Coast is invaded by mad foreigners - all of
them hell bent on rape, pillage and learning English. Some poor souls
actually have to teach these  crazed continentals. ROGER PERKINS was
that teacher...

The British have never been good at languages. Enough Spanish,
perhaps, to say 'Two pints of lager, please' and 'How much is bail?'
but that's about it. Learning a language wastes time that could be
better spent on the beach, in the bar, or having a good punch-up.

Visitors to Britain, however, like nothing hefter than sitting in a
classroom for four or five hours a day practicing useful English,
like 'I would like an awayday return to Basingstoke, please, and I
have a student railcard.' Around May, students from all over the
world arrive in Britain for their first taste of our rich culture
-'Two Coca Cola, plis.'

Britain, particularly London and the South Coast, is the centre in the
Teaching of English as a Foreign Language (TEFL). Any town, however,
that boasts an Elizabethan garden shed (as part of our glorious plastic
heritage) will find, come summer, a mushrooming of language schools.
That anyone should spend rime & money learning a language is, naturally,
lose on the British. Generations have benefitted from the language
teaching policy in schools and universities whereby the phrase 'This is
a subjunctive' was bellowed at frequent intervals, effectively removing
any desire to talk foreign.

Classroom practice today is very different. Gone is the need to tag
grammatical names on to everything. If we take for example, a construction
like 'used to' as in the used to drink champagne the teacher may introduce
the idea pictorially (a rich man fallen on hard times), creating in the
minds of the student ~ need for the language. After introducing the new
item he'll check their understanding of the idea by asking snappy little
'concept questions' which in this case might be 'Did he drink champagne
in the past?' (Yes) 'Did he drink champagne more than once?' (Yes) 'Does
he drink champagne now? (No). Using this modern approach, English can be
made incomprehensible far more quickly than in the old days.

Residents of South Coast towns will be familiar with EFL students, who
emerge from the classroom after a little while to put into practice what
they have learnt. After just 25 hours of  instruction, students can rattle
off the following railway station  dialogue with some degree of aplomb in
the classroom.

Customer: Good morning, I'd like to go to Eastbourne

Ticket Seller: Single or Return?

Customer: Return .

Ticket Seller: That's $10.50.

Customer: Here you are.

Tinkct Seller: Thank you.

Thcy then go to a railway station to practice for real. What then happens
is this:

Student: Coot Morny, I wan for go Yastbour.

Ticket Seller: Wha...?

Student: Er...Yastbour?

Ticket Seller: Wha... ?

Student:Er...Eastybourne?

Ticket Seller OK, got you. I know it's a Blue Day but it's before 8.30
so I can't give you a cheap day return so I'll have to give you a period
or a single, change at Polegate.

Student:Polecat?

Irate customer Are you going to take all bleeding day?

Student: Here you are?

Ticket Seller: What? =A310.5()? They've been teaching you from the 1983
edition, haven't they? It's $ 1.90. Ta. Next.

Customer: Goot Morny...

Ticket Seller: Oh, sod off.

In order to ease the transition from classroom to real world, many schools
organise projects involving questionnaires and then throw the students on
to the street to gain an insight into British culture. If approached by a
foreigner armed with a clipboard, be preparced to answer questions on
religion (Are you belief in Goat?), daily routine (Where you go went
tomorrow?), transport statistics (How miles you live home?) and salaries
(How much are you?). In spite of these confusions sometimes useful
information does emerge from street questionnaires. A group of students
were once asked lQ conduct a questionnaire in Trafalgar Square, the single
question being 'What do you think should be done about the problem of
pigeons in Trafalgar Square?'. Like many of these exercises the actual
information contained in the answer was irrelevant in the long term, the
whole point was that the students discover whar language native speakers 
use to express suggestions The morning was very successlful. The students
were courteous and the public co-operarive. Back at the school the teacher
asked the first group vvhat answers they had received

'A Danish man said "I think they should use automatic scarers," ' said a
student. 'Good,' said the teacher. ' "should" is a good piece of language
for advising. Anything else?'

'A Dutch lady said that the authorities ought to use special grease to stop
them from nesting,' said another. 'Fine,' said the teacher,' "ought to" is a
good one too. Anything else?'

'An Italian man said "If I were them I'd stop people from feeding them,"
said another. 'Good, "If I were you...." ' said the teacher. Did anyone find
an English person to ask?'

'Yes,' said one of the class 'we asked 17 and they all gave us the same
answer.' 'What was that?' asked the teacher, on the trail of authentic
speech patterns.

' "Kill the bastards. Now, bugger off." '


How to recognise an EFL student

French:
They dress in ill-fitting sportswear and have beards with no moustaches.
French teenagers are very badly behaved. Older students complain that
British bathrooms have no bidet, and constantly moan about the food.
If they are particularly trying, introduce them to Marmite or bread sauce.

Italians:
Men are all teeth and trousers, women all pouts and panties. You will
recognise a party of Italians in a her because 12 people will be sharing
one coke. They don't drink,, and they don't smoke. They sniff all food in
front of them. Regard an offer of steak & kidney pies as an act of genocide

Swiss:
They have bulging wallets, bulging eyes, and a 1972 dress sense. They insist
on correcting train timetables and counting the amount of potatoes consumed
per week. They begin all sentences 'In my willage...' Many Swiss women
between the ages of 21-30 are called Regula Koch. They will not find this
very amusing.

South Americans:
Preppy look and baseball caps Bar-room confusion, shopping hell. Unable to
pronounce the simplest English word. Show them a picture of a cat, sound
out C-A-T, get them to repeat it, it comes out mop. Along with the Spanish,
will not utter a word of English unless prodded with something sharp

Finns:
Thousand-yard stare Professionally glum. Baggy pockets through eying to
conceal flat half bottles of vodka. kind of bad weather. Unable to say
'sh'. The TEFL Victoria Cross is awarded to those who have taught Finnish
papermill managers one-to-one for more than ~ week.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Oct 1997 03:42:13 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Moore Unexpected Answers <some adult humor>

*   Two drunks were well into their cups at their favorite watering
  hole, when one spotted movement along the top of the bar.
    "Whazz that ?" he asked.  "A bug ?"
    "Izz a Ladybug." his friend replied.
    "Damn," the first man gushed, "you have good eyesight !"
                                - - - - -

*   "Wanna buy a ticket for the Warden's Ball ?" one prisoner asked
  another.
    "Sure !" the second replied.  "Are there gonna be babes and all
  at this affair ?"
    "It ain't no dance idiot !  It's a raffle."
                                - - - - -

*   Billy Joe Jim Bob needed help on the farm, so he hired a young, big,
  stapling local boy to tend to the chores.  Alex John Roy wasn't much
  of a talker, but he was strong and reliable.
    Several weeks after getting familiar with the job, Billy Joe Jim Bob
  found his new farmhand lazing about the barn at eleven o'clock in the
  morning.  "What the hell are you doin' on your ass this early boy ?"
    "Cows milked.  Chickens fed.  Hogs slopped.  Alfalfa gathered.  Both
  your daughters fucked." Alex John Roy drawled.  "Nothing else to do."
                                - - - - -

*   During a neighborhood party here, I got into an argument with my
  neighbor, Van, about presidential politics.  Finally, he asked me why
  I was such a dedicated Republican.
    I told him that my Father and GrandFather were Republicans before me
  and that I was carrying on the family tradition.
    "That's it ?" said my exasperated neighbor.  "What if your Father and
  GrandFather had been horse thieves ?"
    "Well..." I replied, "I suppose then I'd be a Democrat like you."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Oct 1997 07:55:54 -0400
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: worth quoting <inoff>

"If no one ever took risks, Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine
floor." - Neil Simon

"If you want to feel rich, just count up all the things you have that money
can't buy." - Daniel Webster

"Too many of us who want eternal life do not seem to know what to do with one
single rainy afternoon." - Rev. Robert Harris

"Person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt person doing it." -
Chinese proverb

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Oct 1997 12:18:24 +0100
From:    Paul Skerry <pauls@MILES33.CO.UK>
Subject: Dictionary Description (Rated ??)

Thumbing through an old Oxford Dictionary (sad life, I know!) I
came across this rather amusing description:

muff    n. Woman's fur or other covering into which both hands
        are thrust from opposite ends to keep them warm.

Look it up and see what your dictionary says!!

Paul Skerry
Windows Development
Legal Systems Division

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Oct 1997 08:32:35 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:Flight specs....

     Airplane Anecdotes (supposedly true):

Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks
for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't
the plane's fault. It was the asphalt."
     ___________________________________________________

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door
while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for
flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing,
he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"  "Why no Ma'am,
what is it?"  "Did we land or were we shot down?"
     ___________________________________________________

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your
seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.
It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised.  In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab
the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child
travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with
theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide
now which you love more.  Weather at our destination is 50
degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them
fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves
you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
     ___________________________________________________

United Airlines PA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now
painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of
us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us
today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins
as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our
so called "touch down."
     ___________________________________________________

About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into
Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could
tell during final that the Captain was really having to fight
it, and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant
came on the PA and announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelt
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to
the gate!"
     ___________________________________________________

Overheard by a guy giving rides: "Sorry about the rough landing,
but I'm practicing for a job at SAS. Next time I'll try to lose
your luggage."
     ___________________________________________________

Student pilot to irate instructor: "Think about it. I navigated
through a boiling fluid swirling around a rotating sphere that
is hurtling around a fusion reaction source at thousands of
miles per hour. This system is moving in a circular motion
around a black hole at who knows what speed, while the space it
takes up is expanding. And I bounced 6 inches. 6 MEASLY INCHES!
Get off my freakin back, man!"
     ___________________________________________________

And a few parting shots:
Landing: A controlled mid-air collision with a planet.

How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
He'll tell you.

What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot....

What is the difference between a fighter pilot and a pig?
The pig doesn't turn into a fighter pilot when it's drunk.

What do fighter pilots use for birth control?
Their personality.

What is the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A jet engine stops whining when it pulls in to the parking spot.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Oct 1997 10:14:53 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Oldest Profession

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about
what was the oldest profession in the world.

The doctor remarked "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from
a rib taken from Adam.  This clearly required surgery so I can rightly
claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted and said "But even earlier in the book of
Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth
from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most
spectacular application of civil engineering.  Therefore, fair doctor, you
are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled, and said
confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Oct 1997 17:12:43 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <itf@INTOUCH.COM>
Subject: Golf Genie (Adult)

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't
have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he
replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch BIC
lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster." "I got it from
my genie."

"You have a genie," he asked?   "Yes, he's right herein my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"   He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.  The
friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master.  Will you grant me one
wish?" "Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks
and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there
waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the
sound of a million DUCKS flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million Bucks not
Ducks!" He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing.
Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch BIC?"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Oct 1997 12:19:00 EDT
From:    Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: Telltale Signs of Advanced Parenthood

 * You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're
   equal.

 * You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your son's
   favorite toy car and make him cry.

 * (for Mom's only!)  You only have time to shave one leg at a time.

 * You hide in the bathroom just to get some alone-time.

 * Your child spits up and you catch it.

 * Someone else's kid spits up at a party and you go right on eating.

 * You consider fingerpaint to be a controlled substance.

 * You've mastered the art of placing large amounts of scrambled eggs
   and pancakes on the same plate without anything "touching".

 * You don't allow your kids to play with any weapon-toys, and your
   child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.

 * You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child
   eats.

 * You manage not to laugh when your 5 year old boy confides in you his
   suspicion that his penis has bones inside.

 * You con your kid into thinking that FAO Schwartz is a toy MUSEUM and
   not really a store.

 * You fast-forward through the scene where Bambi's mom gets killed.

 * You hear YOUR parents voice when it's you that screams "Not in THOSE
   clothes you don't!"

 * You hire a sitter because the two of you haven't been out in ages,
   then spend half the night calling home to check on the kids.

 * Rock concerts give you a headache;

 and finally, you KNOW you're a victim of Advanced Parenthood when...

 * You start offering to cut up other people's food for them!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Oct 1997 11:18:18 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: FW: Indians and Pakis

There was once an Indian and a Pakistani who lived next door to each
other. The Indian owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden
and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg
in the Pakistani's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the
Pakistani pick up the egg. The Indian ran up to the Pakistani and told
him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Pakistani
disagreed because the egg was laid on his  property.

They argued for a while until finaly the Indian said, "In my family we
normaly solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls
and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the
balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whoever gets up quicker
wins the egg."

The Pakistani agreed to this and so the Indian found his heaviest pair
of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the
Pakistani and kicked as hard as he could in the balls.  The Pakistani
fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Pakistani stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick
you."

The Indian said, "Keep the damn egg!"

- - -
* Fighting for peace is like @#$%ing for virginity

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Oct 1997 13:48:28 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Kubando, The Political Pundit

           Gorilla who was critical of the mayor has died

 Associated Press, 10/09/97

 BOSTON (AP) - A gorilla who made headlines last January for pelting
 politicians with excrement died Thursday at the Franklin Park Zoo.

 A zoo official said Kubandu died from complications during medical tests.

 The 14-year-old gorilla was born at the Stone Zoo in Stoneham in 1982
 and moved to Franklin Park in 1989.

 He was one of four western lowland gorillas at the zoo.

 Last January Kubandu interrupted a news conference where the mayor
 was announcing zoo expansion plans.

 The gorilla, apparently startled by the television lights, pounded his
 chest, picked up several clumps of feces and threw them at the mayor and
 several state legislators.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Oct 1997 13:51:52 -0500
From:    Michael Cornelius <michael@DSNDATA.COM>
Subject: Hexadecimal top ten list... (offensive to cosmonauts)


The Top 16 Signs It's Time to Abandon Your Space Station, by A.N. Onymous.

 1. "Dear Dmitri: We at Mutual of Kazakhstan regret to inform you of the
     cancellation of your life insurance policy..."
 2. Ship's computer calmly says, "I don't know what air leak you're talking
    about, Comrade Dave."
 3. After several days of low oxygen, you're starting to give serious
    consideration to Cosmonaut Andrei's offer to join the "Hundred Mile
    High" club.
 4. It's down to just you and Sigourney Weaver.
 5. Old ladies swatting at you with rakes from their roof tops.
 6. Mission Control asks if you can "beam down immediately."
 7. Network news broadcasts have started referring to you as "Spam in a can."
 8. No more Stoli.
 9. That's one small scratch on the port, one giant gash on the starboard side.
10. The Russian Transportation Safety Bureau has issued a recall on all Mir
    Model 2000 Orbital Space Platforms.
11. The Soviets announce the space station has a mild cold.
12. The Super Glue is gone and you're down to one roll of duct tape.
13. They've already chosen Tom Hanks to play you in "Apollo 13, Part II."
14. You and your comrades realize those weren't "spare" oxygen generator
    parts you made the still out of.
15. You overhear Mission Control arguing over who gets to keep your stuff.
16. You translate a Russian message which reads "Jettison the American."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Oct 1997 17:32:46 -0500
From:    Ian Chai <chai@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: The Hamster Chronicles

Back in 1994, I gave my friend Glenn a hamster. Since then, he's been
writing some hilarious Hamster Chronicles. He's finally put them up on
the web, so now other people can enjoy them as well:
        http://www2.semo.edu/chappell/hamster/chron/

Here's an excerpt:

        Normally Paul [the hamster] sleeps in the two liter bottle
        attached to his cage. Last week he started using it as a toilet
        as well. I decided to quit fighting him and just let him set up
        his house the way he wants. The last time I cleaned out his
        cage I put cedar chips in the bottle as a deodorant. Evidently,
        this thoroughly freaked him out. As usual, when we put him in
        his newly-cleaned cage, he sniffed everywhere, then went to get
        his sunflower seeds. He likes sunflower seeds a lot and seems
        to think that if he doesn't grab all the sunflower seeds in
        each new batch of food right away, someone else will get them.
        So he sat at the food bowl and loaded his left cheek pouch with
        as many sunflower seeds as it could hold.  Then he went into
        the bottle to store them in his hoard, but the bottle was
        different -- it smelled like cedar. He ran in and out a few
        times, seeming to think, "Oh, there's the entrance to my room
        -- I'll go in ... wait a minute this is wrong, I'd better leave
        ... oh, there's the entrance to my room ...."

        He usually makes his bed out of newspaper strips we put in his
        cage.  Evidently he decided it was time to do this now. But
        instead of dragging the strips in, he stuffed one in his right
        cheek pouch. With his newly- enormous head he ran in and out of
        the bottle a couple of times again. Then he decided it was time
        to get a dog biscuit. Compared to him, the biscuits are huge,
        being about the size of his head, but he can just barely carry
        one in his jaws. This is funny enough by itself, but when he
        already has a mouth full of sunflower seeds and newspaper, it
        looks hilarious. So, he picked up the biscuit, and ran in and
        out of the bottle again a few times. Finally, we decided he
        wanted to stick the whole dog biscuit in his mouth. He stuck
        one end in and tried to push the rest in -- and Joanne and I
        were rolling on the floor laughing.

        It didn't work, though, so, completely stressed-out, he dropped
        the biscuit, crawled into his can, and, evidently, went to
        sleep with a mouth full of sunflower seeds and newspaper.

        Copyright 1994, 1997 Glenn G. Chappell. "The Hamster
        Chronicles, Part 3" may be freely copied and distributed
        provided that the text is unchanged, this notice is retained,
        and no fee is charged for said distribution. Distribution for a
        fee may only be done with express written permission of the
        author. While it is not strictly required, the author would
        also appreciate being notified if The Hamster Chronicles are
        made available to the public free of charge.
        E-mail: gchappell@semovm.semo.edu


http://www.uiuc.edu/ph/www/chai

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 10 Oct 1997 to 11 Oct 1997
************************************************
