HUMOR Digest - 9 Oct 1997 to 10 Oct 1997
There are 13 messages totalling 450 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Unjewish joke
  2. Americans Wandering About
  3. Cross-culture Q&A <not meant to be off.>
  4. My Buddy!
  5. Humor:  short quip (offends some Iraqis)
  6. 6-most important men (adult)
  7. Humor - Redneckspeak (poss. offensive to rednecks)
  8. What's my line? <offensive to Jewish people>
  9. Dear Santa (off. to toys)
 10. 10 signs that you've burnout
 11. Bumper Sticker Humor
 12. Women <poss off to all >
 13. Jewish expulsion (poss. offensive to Popes)

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Date:    Thu, 9 Oct 1997 02:40:04 -0400
From:    Michael Pollak <mpollak@PANIX.COM>
Subject: Unjewish joke

On the Upper West Side lived an assimilated Jew who was a militant
atheist.  But he sent his son to Trinity School because, despite its
denominational roots, it's a great school, and completely secular.  After
a month, the boy comes home and says casually, "By the way Dad, do you
know what _Trinity_ means?  It means the Father, the Son, and the Holy
Ghost."

The father can barely control his rage.  He seizes his son by the
shoulders and declares, "Danny, I'm going to tell you something now and I
want you never to forget it.  There is only one God -- and we don't
believe in him!"

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Date:    Thu, 9 Oct 1997 03:51:30 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Americans Wandering About

*   While I did have French in college, I know no Spanish at all. Once
  during a visit to Brazil, I used the guidebook to complain that I had
  not received the coffee ordered some time ago.
    Within minutes, there was a knock at the door, but instead of Room
  Service there were two uniformed policeman, guns drawn.  Thankfully,
  they permitted me to show them the guidebook before hauling me away.
    Seems some joker at the publisher had inserted the phrase: "I asked
  for coffee 30 minutes ago.  If it is not here in 5 minutes, I shall
  set fire to the hotel" to be used to get faster service.
                                - - - - -

* You wonder who writes these guidebooks anyway.  One I have for Rome
  contains the phrase: "Non potete insegnare alla nonna a bere le uova."
  Which, as I understand it, means "Don't try to teach your Grandmother
  to suck eggs."  I mean, surely that's bound to could come up in your
  next audience with the Pope.
                                - - - - -

* One I saw for India was titled "The English: How She is Talked"
  They must think us nothing but a bunch of whiners.  The whole first
  page contains phrases like: "I am hot", "I am cold", "I am hungry",
  "I am lost", "It was not my fault", and "They are bothering me".
                                - - - - -

*   A friend of mine spent some time in Egypt and brought back a rather
  unusual story.  She was at a bazaar on one of Cairo's side streets,
  and saw a skull being exhibited.  She asked the proprietor about it.
  He told her it was the skull of Cleopatra.
    Alongside that skull was a smaller one, which piqued her interest.
  When she asked about that one, the proprietor said: "That m'Lady is
  also Cleopatra's -- but as a child."
                                - - - - -

* Not all travelers are savvy.  A woman going through customs in front
  of me said to the agent: "Once you make the chalk mark, does that mean
  I'm home free ?"


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Oct 1997 11:03:24 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Cross-culture Q&A <not meant to be off.>

This was inspired by Max' posting, the other day:

Q. Why was the Surd run over by a truck?
A. Because he was crossing the road.
Q. So?
A. He wasn't fast enough.
Q. Is that a joke?
A. Yes.
Q. I see. But, is it not the chicken that is supposed to cross the
   road?
A. Only in stupid Western jokes which, by the way, are insensitive to
   animals. And children. And dead Princesses.
Q. Well, at least the chicken makes it safely across the road, in our
   jokes.
A. Only because it is not a Surd chicken.
Q. Who is being insensitive, now?
A. You are. Because you don't understand Surds. Or chickens. Or both.
Q. This is absurd.
A. Correction. This is ab Surd (chuckle).
Q. I need two aspirins...
A. I know. Hey, have you heard the latest fahrt joke?
Q. Stop it. Do you realize the damage you are doing to my brain?
A. It's your fault. You have no sense of humour.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Oct 1997 11:59:44 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: My Buddy!

 Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't
 have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he
 replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch BIC
 lighter. "Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster." "I got
 it from my genie."  "You have a genie," he asked?   "Yes, he's right here
 in my golf bag." "Could I see him?"   He opens his golf bag and out pops
 the genie.  Thefriend says, "I'm a good friend of your master.  Will you
 grant me one wish?" "Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a
 million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him
 standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to
 darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

 The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks
 not ducks!" He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of
 hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch BIC?"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Oct 1997 11:17:23 -0500
From:    "Rowe, Thomas" <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Humor:  short quip (offends some Iraqis)

How are Little Miss Muffat and Sadam Hussein the same?

Both are trying to get their Kurds out of the whey.

Little Miss Muffat, sat on her tuffet, eating her kurds and whey
(pronounced "way")...
   a cheesey repast in the leftover juice from making cheese)

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Oct 1997 19:16:32 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <itf@INTOUCH.COM>
Subject: 6-most important men (adult)

The six most important men in a woman's life

1. The Doctor because he says; "Take your clothes off"

2. The Dentist because he says; "Open wide"

3. The Milkman because he says; "Do you want it in the front or the
   back"

4. The Hairdresser because he says; "Do you want it teased or blown"

5. The Interior Decorator because he says; "Once it's in, you'll love
   it"

6. The Banker because he says; "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose
   interest"

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Date:    Thu, 9 Oct 1997 13:06:04 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Redneckspeak (poss. offensive to rednecks)

Received from a friend. Author unknown.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Things you'll never hear a redneck say:

You can't feed that to the dog.

I thought Graceland was tacky.

We're vegetarians.

Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.

Deer heads detract from the decor.

I just can't abide the serial comma.

Spitting is such a nasty habit.

I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

Unsweetened tea tastes better.

Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

Checkmate.

She's too old to be wearing that bikini.

I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.


Note -- "redneck" is an american term used by urbanites to describe  poor
         white folks who live in the rural areas of the southern states.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Oct 1997 10:48:40 PDT
From:    Mark Huth <mhuth@RODGERS.RAIN.COM>
Subject: What's my line? <offensive to Jewish people>

Johnny came home from school and proudly announced to his mother that
he had landed a part in the school play.  Mother was, of course,
quite pleased and asked what character he was going to play.

"I'm going to play the part of the Jewish husband."

Mother replied angrily, "Now Johnny, you march right back to school
and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Oct 1997 15:10:54 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Dear Santa (off. to toys)

 Dear Santa:

 Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year,
 playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing
 suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea
 parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK
 TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm
 gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be
 around to smell it).

             So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:

 1.  A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt.
     I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing
     suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have
     nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

 2.  Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What
     bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear
     to my skin? (It looks like cellulite);

 3.  A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that
     wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring
     anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and
     me) anatomically correct;

 4.  Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
     away once he is anatomically correct;

 5.  Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist,
     just get it done;

 6.  A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

 7.  A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How
     about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec.
     or even  a Buyer at Ford Motor Company for goodness sake!

 8.  A new, more '90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a
     miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a
     bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
     outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking
     Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with
     several packs of gum;

 9.  No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl;

 10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it;

 Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I
 don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can
 find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

 Yours truly,
              Barbie

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Date:    Thu, 9 Oct 1997 17:00:15 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: 10 signs that you've burnout

10. You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell".

 9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately
    scream, "Get off my back, bitch!"

 8. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.

 7. You find yourself taking long coffee breaks talking to your worst
    enemy in her office, so she doesn't get any work done either.

 6. You clean your desk off by sweeping everything into a box once a
    week.

 5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

 4. You sleep more at work than at home.

 3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase.

 2. You use Day-Timer more often as coaster than to plan your schedule.

 1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail
    right now.

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Date:    Thu, 9 Oct 1997 18:28:22 EDT
From:    "Donald E. Chesnel" <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Bumper Sticker Humor

When the chips are down, the buffalo is probably empty.
Seen it, done it - can't remember most of it.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.
All generalizations are false
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Eschew Obfuscation.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Back up my hard drive?  How do you put it in reverse?
Dude,  a day without sunshine is like, you know - night.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Divers do it deeper.
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
She is always late.  Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

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Date:    Fri, 10 Oct 1997 05:46:23 GMT+2
From:    "M.Schyff" <schyffm@KBPNFS03.ESKOM.CO.ZA>
Subject: Women <poss off to all >

A woman is like the world......

Before the age of 13, she's like Antarctica;
     Pure and innocent

Between the ages of 13 - 17 she's like darkest Africa ;
    Mysterious and unexplored.

Between the ages of 18 - 23 she's like the Middle East ;
    Tempestuous, restless and dictatorial.

Between the ages of 24 - 32 she's like North America ;
    Cool, calm and calculating

Between the ages of 33 - 45 she's like the Scandinavian Territories;
    Stable, boring, and never in the news

Between the ages of 46 - 49 she's like Asia;
      Filled with wisdom and a looong history.

Between the ages of 50 - 64 she's like Europe;
     All wrecked and devastated

Above the age of 65 she's like Australia;
    Everyone knows where it is but who the
     hell wants to go there ???

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Date:    Thu, 9 Oct 1997 20:48:54 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Jewish expulsion (poss. offensive to Popes)

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to
leave Rome.  Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community.
So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member
of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope
won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked for a champion
who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too
risky. So they finally  picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life
sweeping up after people to represent them.  Being old and poor, he had
less to lose, so he agreed.  He asked only for one addition to the debate.

Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up around the settlement,
he asked that neither side be allowed to talk.  The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each
other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three
fingers.  Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.  The Pope waved
his fingers in a circle around his head.  Moishe pointed to the ground
where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.  Moishe
pulled out an apple.  The Pope stood up and said, "I give up.  This man is
too good.  The Jews can stay".

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had
happened.  The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the
Trinity.  He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was
still one God common to both our religions.  Then I waved my finger around
me to show him, that God was all around us.  He responded by pointing to
the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the
wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins.  He pulled
out an apple to remind me of the original sin.  He had an answer for
everything.  What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this
old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted
was impossible!  'What happened they asked.  Well, said Moishe, "First he
said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that
not one of us was leaving.  Then he told me that this whole city would be
cleared of Jews.  I let him know that we were staying right here.  And then
what happened asked a woman. 'I don't know,' said Moishe. 'He took out his
lunch and I took out mine.'

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End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Oct 1997 to 10 Oct 1997
***********************************************
