HUMOR Digest - 8 Oct 1997 to 9 Oct 1997
There are 9 messages totalling 434 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Big City Living
  2. The competition
  3. Rules of combat
  4. Crowded Heaven!
  5. Halloween (not offensive)
  6. White House Humor
  7. LAW (not offensive, but I'll try harder next time)
  8. Easy Cheese Experiment
  9. Tired Of Working?

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Date:    Wed, 8 Oct 1997 03:51:31 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Big City Living

*   There's a story making the rounds in Baltimore that a guy tried
  to stiff a cabbie for the fare, saying that he was broke and that
  the cabbie couldn't get blood out of a turnip.
    The cabbie took the fellow to a blood bank, waited until a pint
  of blood was extracted, then deducted his fare from the proceeds.
  On the way out the door the cabbie, obviously a fan of Shakespeare,
  said, "Guess you ain't no turnip after all, huh ?"
                                - - - - -

* As winter again approaches in our area, I'm again reminded of one
  of Nature's greatest mysteries.  How she always arranges for the
  person who doesn't know how to drive in ice and snow to be first
  in a line of 100 stalled vehicles.
                                - - - - -

* Man, trying on suit to salesman: "Do you mind if I step outside and
  look at it in the smog ?"
                                - - - - -

* The Baltimore Beltway (I-695) is a four lane Interstate Highway well
  known for coming to a complete halt during rush hours.  The other
  week, a motorist stuck his head out the window and yelled, "Let me
  through, I have important information about the upcoming election for
  President Ford."
                                - - - - -

* Baltimore's Inner Harbor has lots of restaurants with tables outside,
  which remain popular in spite of the smog and pollution. Recently, as
  I was having lunch there, I overheard a woman telling her little boy
  to finish his crab soup before it got dirty.
                                - - - - -

* A man wearing a hearing aid got into a cab and the driver said,
  "Must be tough to be hard of hearing, huh ?  But then nearly all of
  us have something wrong, one way or another.  Take me, for instance,
  I can hardly see."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Oct 1997 12:53:25 +0100
From:    Juggy <jagannatha.rao@K5ESK.FE.BOSCH.DE>
Subject: The competition

Sent to me by a friend. Thanks Koshy.
--------------------------------------
There was once a competition involving three gruelling tests.
The participants had to do the following in immediate succession:

  1. Drink five bottles of hard whiskey in one go
  2. Enter a room where there was a starving lion and pluck out its eyes
     with bare hands.
  3. And then screw a very horny babe to her full satisfaction.

  Many people bravely tried their hands (or should I say mouths) at it.
  Few could get beyond the first stage. And the inebriated few who
  managed it, got promptly eaten up by the starving lion. There was
  none who could reach the third stage.

  And then, one fine day, a nonchalant Sardar walked into the contest.
  Five bottles of whiskey were nothing for him. He emptied five bottles
  in five gulps. Then he said , "Bhale changhe hai hum, thagde hai. Bathao,
  lion kahan hai " (I'm fine, where is  the lion!)

  When shown the room, he coolly walked  in. There was no hint of fear
  on his face, but rather the cool confidence of a person who knew he
  could do it.

  Sounds of a mammoth fight came from the room.  Screams of the Sardar
  and growls of the lion were intermingled.  Thumps and thuds which
  shook the very earth ensued. All of a sudden there was a piercing,
  heart-rending roar from the Lion.  The audience waited with bated
  breath, their hair stood on end.  And then, as suddenly as it had
  begun, the titanic roar stopped.  An eerie silence prevailed.

  As the audience watched, with eyes popping out, the door of the
  room opened, and out came the Sardar. Badly bruised, with blood
  streaming from his face, hands and legs, he stumbled out - victorious,
  nevertheless. His face had the glow of satisfaction of an emperor
  who had just won a battle.

  And then he asked, "Where is the woman whose eyes I have to pluck out?"


----
* Girl who diddle with fountain pen, have colored child

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Oct 1997 08:52:36 -0500
From:    Richard Linton <rtlinton@FACSTAFF.WISC.EDU>
Subject: Rules of combat

   1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
   2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
   3. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
   4. The easy way is always mined.
   5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
   6. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
   7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
        1. When you're ready for them.
        2. When you're not ready for them.
   8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
   9. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
  10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
  11. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
  12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming
      friendly fire.
  13. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
  14. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
  15. When in doubt empty the magazine.
  16. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
  17. Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.
  18. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
  19. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
  20. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a
      plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
  21. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever
      volunteer to do anything.
  22. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
  23. Five second fuses only last three seconds.
  24. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
      bombed.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Oct 1997 21:01:07 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <itf@INTOUCH.COM>
Subject: Crowded Heaven!

It got crowded in heaven, so it was decided only to accept people who'd
really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the
pearly gates and said to the first man: "Tell me about the day you
died".

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an
affair, so I came home early to catch her. I searched all over the
apartment and couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out on the
balcony-we live on the 25th floor-and found this man hanging over the
edge by his fingertips, went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting
his hands.  He fell but landed in some bushes. So I got the refrigerator
and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act
gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day and that it was a
crime of passion, so he let the man in. He then asked the next man in
line about his day. "Well, sir, it was awful", said the second man. "I
was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th-floor apartment when I
slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment
below, but some maniac came out and started pounding my fingers. I
landed on some bushes.  But then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really
start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside of a refrigerator..."


* I once had a life... now I have the Internet...
http://nadi.home.ml.org
http://www.freeyellow.com/members/itf

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Oct 1997 18:26:12 -0400
From:    David Burns <burnsd@GISCO.NET>
Subject: Halloween (not offensive)

 A Halloween joke..

    On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having
   trouble  picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad
   and stormed out of  the room.

     Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked execpt for a
   lemon between her legs.

     The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of
   the room  himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back
   himself with a potato around his penis.

   The wife gave him a wierd look and then the husband replied:
   "If you're going as a sour-puss, I'm going as a dictator".

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 25 Sep 1997 10:49:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: White House Humor

MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO CLINTON FANS.

A lot of controversy coming out over this campaign financing. They're
investigating this gardener ... who gave $425,000 to the Clinton
campaign. What kind of gardener has $425,000? What crop do you think
this guy is growing? Maybe the same kind Clinton isn't inhaling?

Yesterday, Clinton held a news conference where his secretary of state,
Warren Christopher, handed in his resignation. And actually, this was a
historic moment. Christopher was the first member of the Clinton
administration to resign without being led away in handcuffs.

Yesterday in a major policy speech, President Clinton said `There is
simply too much money in our politics.' Then he had to leave early to
get to a fundraiser.

Well, President Clinton slipped and fell while jogging over the weekend.
At least that's what he told Hillary when he came home with grass stains
on his knees and elbows.

Clinton said today he did not give Albright the job because she was a
woman. However, he did say it will come in handy the next time he comes
home reeking of perfume. He can say `I had an emergency meeting with the
secretary of state.'

President Clinton said today that the reason people at the White House
have had to change their stories so much, is that when you're asked
millions of questions it's not possible to remember the answer to every
one. Unless of course you're telling the truth and you don't have to
remember anything.

Course in Washington, D.C., the big news is that Bill Clinton raised
almost half a million dollars last year from 16 people he had dinner
with. Imagine dividing up that check? `Okay, who had the soup? You owe
me $45,000 dollars. Who had the croissant?'

There was some bad news today. The Washington Post's Bob Woodward
reported that last year President Clinton met with a known felon five
times in the White House. I don't think that's fair. I don't think you
can blame Clinton for that. It's his wife, Hillary, he's gotta talk to
her.

Clinton is now admitting that, yes, he did encourage people to stay
overnight at the White House. The White House released the names of 938
people who have slept in the Lincoln bedroom since Clinton took office.
That's almost every night. Clinton can't win. If he's not in trouble for
staying in sleazy motels, he's in trouble for running one.

You got Al Gore on the White House phones, raising money, calling
people; you got hundreds of donors standing at Lincoln's bedroom; you
got Clinton charging people $50,000 for coffee -- if we wanted to wipe
out the National Debt let's open up a chain of White Houses all across
the country.

Today was a beautiful California day. A record 95 degrees today. It was
so hot today, even members of the Clinton administration who aren't
under investigation were sweating.

Actually I'm very happy for Al Gore. Finally getting his own scandal.
Maybe he can be President someday.

Bill and Hillary have left Washington for a few days. They didn't want
to leave, but Clinton promised so many campaign donors a night in the
White House, they had to give up the room ...


---
And remember -- the government is there to HELP you.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Oct 1997 09:06:09 -0000
From:    Stephen McCabe <bigsteve@ALLES.OR.JP>
Subject: Re: LAW (not offensive, but I'll try harder next time)

Alan Campbell wrote:

>  "the King shall have throughout the realm, whales and great
>   sturgeons taken in the sea"

Yes, but you forgot that it is illegal to give, attempt to give, or
receive Christmas presents (enacted under Cromwell) and that whenever you
get in a London taxi, you should always make sure that the driver has a
bale of hay in his cab, in case the horse gets hungry.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Oct 1997 19:34:30 -0500
From:    "Grant C. Anderson" <robschool@NWU.EDU>
Subject: Easy Cheese Experiment

The following is a documented story concerning an experiment conducted in
the double I lived in last year with everyone's favorite processed cheese
food.  The author of it is Stoddard Mannikin, another NU student who
resided in that same room two years previous to my occupation of it.  (CAS
refers to the College of Arts and Sciences or "Confused and Stupid" as the
other schools like to refer to it.)

  Nabisco "Easy Cheese" was placed on a cracker and then on the Camelot
  windowsill at 9:54:58, on Tuesday, Oct. 11, 1994.  It will be under 24-hour
  observation since I have a take-home mid-term due at 11am and I haven't
  started the books yet.

  Thursday, Oct. 13, 7:34pm-- The Easy Cheese has thoroughly fossilized in
  its original form as sprayed onto the cracker several days ago.  The cheese
  has retained most of its original luster, though it feels much firmer than
  the original melt-in-your-mouth texture.  Salt crystals on the actual
  cracker are still visible, though difficult to pick out amongst dust
  particles.


  Monday, January 16, 2:36am-- Having totally forgotten about the cheese
  experiment until a breeze-driven curtain knocked the cracker off my
  windowsill, I am horrified to find my experiment continuing.  The cracker
  is covered with what appears to be a mould-like substance but in actuality
  is only dust.  The cheese, however,  regressed from its original
  fluorescent orange to the pale color of its cracker companion.  It retains
  its original shape, complete with bumps and grooves, obviously because no
  insects dared touch the substance. Somewhat shrivelled, the cheese now more
  strongly resembles a small fishing lure than spray-can cheese.  The entire
  ensemble is, thank God,  devoid of odor.

  Tuesday, January 17, midnight-- After discussing the experiment over a
  cordless phone with Materials Science major Mike Massing, I heard a knock
  at the door.  Two men wearing black suits entered Camelot and searched my
  room.  They were muttering something about "threat to national security"
  and "defense department cutbacks" and "that pesky x-file investigator" when
  one of them happened upon the hideously transformed cheese (cracker had
  completely disintegrated due to excessive handling by experimenter).  He
  picked up the "revolutionary experimental substance" with special tongs and
  placed it in a vacuum-sealed container.  The other man said simply, "Your
  research has put us light years ahead on chemical warfare.  Whoever thought
  that those cheeseheads in Wisconsin would be invaluable to maintaining
  global superiority."

  Experiment discontinued due to lack of all initial experimental substances.

  Personal note: next time remember to apply for a CAS Research Grant before
  undertaking similar experiments.

  If anyone cares to attempt duplication of this process, be sure to use
  radiators similar to those located in 626 Emerson.  Otherwise, strange
  hybrids may result, for which I take no responsibility.  AT NO TIME SHOULD
  THE EXPERIMENT BE CONSUMED.


Grant Anderson, Northwestern University
Computer Engineering '98
OAS, AAS, LLS

*Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks
 of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool
 and throw them fish.

*In the beginning the Universe was created.  This has made a lot of
 people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
          ---"The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" by Douglas Adams

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Oct 1997 10:03:05 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Tired Of Working?

If you are one of those people who feels tired of working too much,
it is good to remember the words of Bernard Shaw who wrote:
"The year is made up of 365 days, each having 24 hours,12 of which
are night time hours, which add up to a total of 182 days.

This leaves you with 183 days to work minus 52 Sundays, which leaves
you with 131 days to work minus 52 Saturdays, which leaves you with 79
days to work.

But, there are 4 hours each day, set aside for eating,
which adds up to 60 days, which leaves you 19 days for working. But you
are entitled to 15 days of your vacation, which means you have 4 days
left for work minus 3 days, which you usually take off due to illness or
other emergencies, which leaves you 1 day to work, which happens to be
Labour Day which is a Holiday."

SO, WHY ARE YOU SO TIRED?

* Plus ca change,plus c'est la meme chose

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End of HUMOR Digest - 8 Oct 1997 to 9 Oct 1997
**********************************************
