HUMOR Digest - 7 Oct 1997 to 8 Oct 1997
There are 14 messages totalling 633 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. dead law <inoff, except maybe to Law of England>
  2. Marriage: The Good Old Days <adult humor>
  3. The Lesson: A Fairy Tale (offensive to almost everyone hopefully!)
  4. Mother T. <off to Diana/Mother T.>
  5. Impure Math <adult>
  6. Best ER stories of 95
  7. Bill Gates
  8. Fwd: [Humor] If MS Owned NASA <off. Microsoft>
  9. Maple Leafs Humour
 10. Sam Houston Institute of Technology
 11. Slow Down!
 12. More Confucious
 13. Gut farht redux
 14. Mo' Surds,Mo' Questions

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Date:    Tue, 7 Oct 1997 07:39:29 0
From:    Alan Campbell <alanc@MISTRAL.CO.UK>
Subject: dead law <inoff, except maybe to Law of England>

>From the Guardian, Saturday 4 October 1997:

The Law Commission has been hunting through the statutes,
looking for laws that aren't really that necessary any more.
Parliament will probably get around to repealing:

-- Perogative Regis, possibly a statue of Edward II:

  "the King shall have throughout the realm, whales and great
   sturgeons taken in the sea"

-- Coming Armed into Parliament Act, 1313:

   MPs are forbidden to wear armour while in the House

-- Town Police Clauses Act 1847:

  Makes it an offfence to beat or shake a carpet in the street
  before 8am, doormats excepted.

  Flying a kit or sliding on ice are also forbidden.

-- an unnamed Act 1804:

  Allows Cornish residents to trespass on clifftops, as long
  as they are shouting directions to fishing boats.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Oct 1997 03:56:44 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Marriage: The Good Old Days <adult humor>

* Any of you who have ever seen an old fashioned formal wedding
  portrait will notice that the man is seated, and the woman is
  standing alongside.  While that may seem just the reverse of
  what it should be -- think about it.  He was probably too damn
  tired to stand, and she was too damn sore to sit down.
                                - - - - -

*   Back in the 60's when mate swapping was all the rage in the US,
  the Who's Who people were forced to issue a supplement to their book.
    It was entitled "Whose Who's"
                                - - - - -

*   The wife appeared at the breakfast table resplendent in curlers
  and a worn bathrobe.  The husband looked up from his newspaper and
  said, "Why can't you look like you did when we were first married ?"
    "How can I ?" she snapped back.  "I'm not pregnant !"
                                - - - - -

*   Hard as this may be to believe, back in the 60's white activists
  often got their hair styled in an "Afro" (large bush-style hairdo)
  to show support for civil rights.
    One such fellow did so, and came home smiling, announcing that he'd
  also teased all his pubic hair into the same bushy style.
    His wife who had had it with her spouses endless posturing sneered,
  "Great. Just great. Now during foreplay, I have to look for a needle
  in a haystack."
                                - - - - -

*   In the old days, farm widows had to be real careful with money,
  since most farmers didn't have much, if any, life insurance.
    One savvy new widow, already well known for her "thrifty" ways was
  asked how she wanted the death notice to be printed.  Knowing they
  charged by the word, she said "Just print: 'Mr. Musgrove died'."
    The funeral director, somewhat taken aback by the brevity, said that
  he could get a few more words at the same price during a special the
  newspaper was offering.
    She thought a minute, then said, "Mr. Musgrove died.  Ford Pickup
  for sale."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Oct 1997 09:32:41 +0100
From:    Max Blumberg <max@MAXB.COM>
Subject: The Lesson: A Fairy Tale (offensive to almost everyone hopefully!)

Once upon a time, there was an American humor mailing list. The jokes were
typically Western and one could always look forward to a chuckle cause the
humor related to one's culture. But one day, the Spirit of Globalisation
moved on the face of the Internet and said: "Let there be postings from
every country, even if the posters cannot speak English!"

Well with that, every non-English speaking Turk, Indian, German & Israeli
with an Internet connection & a modem stepped in & started telling jokes,
perhaps amusing in their own culture, but meaningless to the majority of
the English speaking Westerners on the list! Not only meaningless, but it
showed that the level of humor was similar to that which most of the
Western readers enjoyed at the age of about 5!

"Gosh" said JJ, the old man who was spending his final days researching
1950's humor & sharing it with the 90's on the list: "These chaps publish
such a lot of rubbish! Let's find a REAL joke that puts feminism back about
10 years, like the good ol' days" (Then this was this coed...)

"Gosh" said the Jewish lady: "Let's see if I can find a Jewish joke
understandable by only 3% of the list as well!"

"Gosh" said the Indian: "I just know that the clever Americans will LOVE
the story about the Urduwanamachalavik who soiled the Sardarji's puja table
before the Aditya sacrifice: it sure cracked up my family!"

"Gosh" said Brian, an American living in CT searching for his modem: "I
can't understand any of these jokes. I can't be as clever as I think so
I'd better leave quietly and hope no one notices"

"Gosh" said Jack, a professor of English: "I'd better better create some
really esoteric humor just to widen the cultural divide"

"Gosh" said the Germans: "Let's see if we can extend the fahrt theme by
another 15 days"

"Gosh" said Jim and Larry: "This is a real bitch. Half the list hate the
jokes of the other half. We can't split the list cause the minorities will
object (and send us curried email bombs)"

But just as it happened with old JJ's weird jokes that we all hated
initially and then came to love, so it was and will be with the jokes from
all the other cultures. And soon instead of knocking them, everyone on the
list came to love and appreciate the fullness and richness of humor from far
away places! And so the world became a more peaceful and tolerant place, and
they lived together forever and ever.

(Excepting Brian who is still searching for his dictionary and his modem)

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Oct 1997 09:30:57 +0000
From:    Richard Russell <Rick@LERHOST.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: Mother T. <off to Diana/Mother T.>

Have you heard about the new song being released in rememberance
of Mother Theresa?

It's called:    "Sandals in the Bin"

...because the sandals wore out long before the legend ever will.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Oct 1997 16:14:21 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Impure Math <adult>

  Impure Mathematix

  Wherein it is related how that polygon of womanly virtue, young
  Polly Nomial (our heroine) is accosted by that notorious villain
  Curly Pi, and factored (oh, horrors!).

  Once upon a time (1/t) pretty Polly Nomial was strolling across a
  field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly
  large matrix. Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it
  an absolute condition that she never enter such an array without
  her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables
  that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored
  this condition on the basis that it was insufficient, and made her
  way amongst the complex elements. Rows and columns closed in from
  all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and
  tensor.

  Quite suddenly, two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a
  single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of
  directrix, and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning
  point, she tripped over a square root that was protruding from the
  erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she rounded
  off once more, she found herself inverted, apparently alone, in a
  non-euclidean space.

  She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi,
  was lurking innerproduct. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear
  coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. He wondered,
  was she still convergent? He decided to integrate improperly at
  once.

  Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly
  Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see
  at once by his degenerate conic and dissipative terms that he was
  bent on no good.

  "ArcSinh!" she gasped.
  "Ho, Ho," he said. "What a symmetric little asymptote you have. I
  can see your angles have lots of Secs." "Oh, Sir," she protested,
  "keep away from me. I haven't got my brackets on." "Calm yourself,
  my dear," said our suave operator. "your fears are purely
  imaginary." "i, i," she thought. "Perhaps he's not normal, but
  homologous." "What order are you?" the brute demanded.
  "Seventeen," replied Polly. Curly leered, "I suppose you've never
  been operated on." "Of course not," Polly replied quite properly,
  "I'm absolutely convergent!" "Come, come," said Curly. "Let's off
  to a decimal place I know and I'll take you to the limit."
  "Never!!" gasped Polly. "Abscissa!!!" he swore, using the vilest
  oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the
  coefficient with a natural log until she was powerless, Curly
  removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places,
  and began smoothing out her points of inflection. Poor Polly. The
  algorithmic method was now her only hope. She felt his hand
  tending toward her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be
  gone forever.

  There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator. Curly's
  radius squared itself; Polly's loci quivered. He integrated her by
  parts. He integrated her by partial fractions. After he
  cofactored, he performed Runge-Cutta on her. The complex beast
  even went all the way around and did a coutour integration. Curly
  went on operating until he had satisfied her hypothesis. Then, he
  exponentiated and became completely orthogonal.

  When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no
  longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several
  places. But, it was too late to differentiate now. As the months
  went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically. Finally, she
  went to L'Hopital and generated a small but pathological function
  which left surds all over the place and drove Polly to deviation.

  The moral of our sad story is this:

  "If you want to keep your expression convergent, never allow them
  a single degree of freedom."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Oct 1997 07:43:20 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Best ER stories of 95

 Best Emergency Room Stories of 1995

                      [Believe Them...Or Not]

  AUGUSTA, ME - Four people were injured in a string of  bizarre
  accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused
  by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of
  whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan
  Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first
  two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off.

  Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work
  and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him
  "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later. "I was really close
  to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't
  have been for more than two seconds." However, cab driver Vegas did
  see and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the
  corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental
  technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab
  against the building making her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a
  cleaning pick.  In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from
  Klesick's hand.  Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the
  medical building.

  TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after eating three
  birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw
  a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself.  A
  translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors'
  suspicions.  Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of
  candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers.  After the third
  one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began
  to fill with a sour-tasting foam.  She ran for the Poison Control
  Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the
  foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.

  La Grange, GA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma
  center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog
  drags the thing all over the house," he said later.  "He must have
  dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the
  dog and sat down right on the thing."  The extraction took more than
  three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had
  opened during insertion.  "He was a real trooper during the entire
  episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe.  "Tony just cracked jokes and really
  seemed to be enjoying himself.  Three times during the extraction his
  phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us
  rolling on the floor.   By the time we finished, we really did expect
  to find an answering machine in there"

  TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends
  when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from
  the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic.  The conversation
  grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the
  bridge at 4:30 a.m.  Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they
  discovered that no one had brought bungee rope.  Bingham, who had
  continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of
  lineman's cable lay nearby.  One end of the cable was secured around
  Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge.  His fall
  lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the
   ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into  the icy river waterand
  was rescued by two nearby fishermen.  "All I can say," said Bingham,
  "is that God was watching out for me on that night.  There's just no
  other explanation for it."  Bingham's foot was never located.

  BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were
  engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut
  butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them
  clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's
  penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked
  Emily threw a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle
  broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy
  leaped back, tearing away the penis.  While trying to get her
  unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell
  twice, injuring her wrist and ankle.  Christopher's penis was in a
  styrofoam ice cooler. "Chris is just plain lucky," said the surgeon
  who spent eight hours reattaching the penis.  "Believe it or not, the
  perfume turned out to be very fortuitous.  The high alcohol content,
  which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the
  wound.  Also, aside from its being removed, the damage caused by the
  dog's teeth to the penis per se is minimal.  It's really a very
  stringy piece of flesh.  Mr. Coulter stands an excellent chance of
  regaining the use of his limb because of this."  Washington Animal
  Control has no plans to seize Rudy.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Oct 1997 08:50:49 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Bill Gates

Most people will have read the recent reports of how Microsoft Chairman
Bill Gates has had his personal net worth soar over 40 billion dollars.
He certainly knows how to make money.

Consider that he made this money in the 22 years or so since Microsoft was
founded in 1975.  If you presume that he has worked 14 hours a day on every
business day of the year since then, that means he's been making money at a
staggering half-million dollars per hour, *around $150 per second.*

Which means that if, on his way into the office, should he see or drop a
$500 bill on the ground, it's just not worth his time to bend over and pick
it up.  He would make more just heading off to work.

It's perhaps more disturbing to look at the slope of his appreciation this
year.  From January to July he's gained some $16 Billion, meaning that at the
rate he's going, if he sees a $10,000 bill, he's just as well to pass it by.
(They  do exist, but he won't see one until he buys the U.S.treasury --
they are not circulated.  Salmon Chase, former secretary of the treasury and
chief justice, is on it.)

If it's a pile of cash he has to count, it's even worse.  At $2,500 per
second so far this year, they would have to be thousand-dollar Bills -- and
he would need to have a quick hand -- to avoid him losing the money in wasted
time while he's counting them. Counting $500 bills would be very unprofitable.

The "Too-small-a-bill-for-Bill" index has gone up quite a bit over the
years.  When Microsoft went public in 1986, the new multimillionaire only
had to leave behind $5 bills.

                         Bill Gates Dollars

Another way to examine this sort of wealth is to compare it to yours.
Consider the average American of reasonable but modest wealth. Perhaps she
has a net worth of $100,000. Mr. Gates' worth is 400,000 times larger.

Which means that if something costs $100,000 to her, to Bill it's as though
t costs 25 cents. You can work out the right multiplier for your own net
worth.

So for example, you might think a new Lambourghini Diablo would cost
$250,000, but in Bill Gates dollars that's *63 cents*.

That fully loaded, multimedia active matrix 233 MHZ laptop with the
1024x768 screen you've been drooling after?  *A penny*.

A nice home in a rich town like Palo Alto, California?  *Two dollars*.

You might spend $100 on tickets, food and parking to take your family to
see an NHL hockey game. Bill, on the other hand could buy _the team_ for
*100 Bill-bills*.

You might buy a plane ticket on a Boeing 747 for $1200 at full-fare coach.
In Bill-bills, Mr. Gates could buy *three 747s*. One for him, one for
Melinda and one for young Jennifer Katherine.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Oct 1997 08:58:51 -0400
From:    "Lara B. Little" <ali00lbl@UNCCVM.UNCC.EDU>
Subject: Fwd: [Humor] If MS Owned NASA <off. Microsoft>

From MacKiDo Temple <http://www.mackido.com>:

Top Ten Ways Things Would Be Different...

If Bill Gates Ran NASA

10) "We come in peace" replaced by "We come to make money."

9) New slogan: "Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated." (Oh, I'm
   sorry, that's the Borg slogan.)

8) New slogan: "Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated."

7) Apollo 13: "Houston, we have a problem." Mission Control: "Please
   hold for Tech Support, and have your credit card number ready."

6) Hubble Space Telescope flaw described as "a feature, not a bug";
   astronomers told to squint.

5) U.S. actually second to land men on the moon; had to wait for
   somebody else to do it first so we could copy them.

4) General public still believes NASA was first thanks to superior
   marketing.

3) Mars Pathfinder misses planet due to Pentium FDIV bug.

2) Instead of actually building the International Space Station, NASA
   just buys the Russian space program and renames Mir.

And the number one way things would be different if Bill Gates ran NASA...

1) After buying Mir and upgrading its systems with NASAsoft Windows 95,
    the on-board computer crashes twice as often.

----------
Mac users often swear by their Macs,
whereas PC users often swear at their PCs.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Oct 1997 11:17:50 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Maple Leafs Humour


   If you're a National Hockey League fan, you might enjoy this:
		========================================
 Three Hockey fans were driving along when they noticed a body in the
 underbrush. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they
 could do. Unfortunately they were too late. They discovered the nude body
 of a deceased young woman.

 Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Vancouver Canucks hat over one
 of her breasts. The second guy, a Montreal Canadien fan, placed his hat
 over her other breast. The Maple Leaf fan then placed his hat over the
 woman's very private part.

 Soon the police arrived. The coroner started checking over the body. He
 picked up the Canucks hat and quickly placed it back. He then picked up
 the Habs hat and returned it. Then he picked up the Maple Leafs fan's
 hat, put it down, then picked it up again inspecting the hat more
 closely, and then put it down. Then he picked it up a third time.

 By this time, the Maple Leafs fan was a bit irritated and he asked, "Why
 do you keep picking up that hat? Are you some kind of pervert?"

 The coroner responded with a wry smile, "Boy, I can't figure this one
 out at all.  Usually when I come across one of these Maple Leafs hats,
 there's an asshole under it."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Oct 1997 12:40:32 EDT
From:    "Karl L. Wuensch" <PSWUENSC@ECUVM.CIS.ECU.EDU>
Subject: Sam Houston Institute of Technology

     In the UK they almost renamed an upgraded college "City University of
Newcastle on Tyne" until they realized how it would be abbreviated.  Here
at ECU they did name an NT network node "ECUNT" until they realized that
some would parse it other than "ECU" "NT".

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Oct 1997 10:38:09 PDT
From:    Mark Huth <mhuth@RODGERS.RAIN.COM>
Subject: Slow Down!

Two snails were standing on the side of the road, when a turtle stops
and says, "Do you guys want a ride on my back"?  One of the snails
takes him up on his offer and off they go.

As the turtle reaches the intersection another turtle comes along and
crashes into him.  The poor little snail was thrown and killed.

A cop is investigating the accident and he  begins questioning the
dead snail's buddy.  "What happened?" he asked.  The little snail
replies, "I don't know, it all happened so fast."


* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Oct 1997 17:22:42 -0400
From:    Alan <mailalan@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: More Confucious

Confucious say man who run behind car get exhausted.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Oct 1997 19:23:25 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Gut farht redux

Here is my best foreign travel malapropism. My wife and I were traveling in
the Lakes District of England when we saw a Bed and Breakfast called "Barf
Bed and Breakfast."  As George Bernard Shaw once said, "We are two
countries divided by a single language."

(For non-North Americans, barf means to vomit)

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Oct 1997 11:02:45 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Mo' Surds,Mo' Questions

Q: Why do surds wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Q: A surd going to London on a plane, how can you steal his window seat?
A: Tell him the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: How do you make a surd laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

Q: What is the surd doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why did the surd stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.

Q: Why do surds work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: How do you confuse a surd?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: What's the difference between a surd and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: What do you get when you offer a surd a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: What do you call a surd with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: Why are surds hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Did you here about the surd that stayed up all night to see where the
sun went ? It finally dawned on him.

Q: How do you keep a surd in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow!)


* Plus ca change,plus c'est la meme chose!!!

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 7 Oct 1997 to 8 Oct 1997
**********************************************
