HUMOR Digest - 6 Oct 1997 to 7 Oct 1997
There are 11 messages totalling 424 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Navy Pilot Training <some adult humor>
  2. Humor: clean, assorted.....
  3. Collegiate Humor (adult references)
  4. More Road Signs (may be off to Germans)
  5. One Question
  6. Confucius (adult content)
  7. Hospitals
  8. Wedding stock
  9. Collegiate Humor  (suggested  offense)
 10. PEANUT <off to parents>
 11. Fw: If Dr. Seuss wrote Star Trek...

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Date:    Mon, 6 Oct 1997 03:52:29 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Navy Pilot Training <some adult humor>

* I can still remember the coolest instructor from my Navy days.  He
  liked plain talk.  Teaching combat fighting to a bunch of young jock
  pilots-to-be ain't easy.  This guy opened his course by saying:
  "Remember the last time you got to make love to a woman ?  Well, what
  you did to get her in bed in the first place was strategy.  What you
  did once you got her there gentlemen... was tactics."
  (Odd, I seem to remember the difference to this very day)
                                - - - - -

*   Some instructors though think questions a waste of precious time.
  I however always liked to be clear on what was taught.  I could tell
  this one seasoned old pilot took a great dislike to me & my queries.
  Like it or not, all pilots have to learn crash landing techniques. I
  had a technical question on a "wheels up" landing.
    The instructor replied, "Moore, in your case, I strongly recommend
  the trial and error method."
                                - - - - -

*   Our Flight Commander was an awesome authority figure.  You can well
  imagine how nervous I was to find him in an intramural bowling event.
  Somehow, I managed to use his bowling ball, smoke two cigarettes he
  had lighted and drink at least one of his beers.
    Finally he thundered, "Young man, it's a damn good thing you don't
  know where I live !"
                                - - - - -

* Naturally everyone in the service hopes for promotion.  One of our
  instructors said, "Before any of you ask why I've been teaching this
  same course for 12 years, many years ago, I had an argument with an
  Admiral -- and I won !"
                                - - - - -

* At the conclusion of one maintenance training course, the Chief took
  out his wallet, and counted the money.  "Gentlemen," he said "today
  I retire after 27 years.  When I joined the Navy, I had 20 dollars.
  Today, I have 19.  Where else could you stay all that time for only
  a dollar ?"


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Mon, 6 Oct 1997 09:02:54 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor: clean, assorted.....

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
-Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

  Washington Post Gen X Contest - messages for the younger generation:

  Second Runner-Up: In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went
  barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for
  traction. (Bill Flavin, Alexandria)

  And the winner of the velour bicentennial poster:
  In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and
  wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.  (Barry Blyveis,
    Columbia)

  In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did ...
  (Peg Sheeran, Vienna)

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 6 Oct 1997 09:07:07 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Collegiate Humor (adult references)

Collegiate Humor from here and there   reported by Jim Mica

College humor is legendary, but it's usually a pretty old legend these days.
Like everything else it's become rather commercialized.  Once upon a time
the Physical Therapy students of the University of Pittsburgh sold t-shirts
with the slogan:  If it's physical, it's therapy.  In the same era nursing
students sold sweat shirts emblazoned with:  Diaphoresis Shirt.

When I was a student one of my profs used to talk about "nowhere"
schools --backwater places full of dimwits-- with names like East Jesus
Tech and Dismal Swamps State Teachers' College.  There is a state
school in western Pennsylvania with the infelicitous name of Slippery Rock
College.  The students there turned that around by wearing clever t-shirts
that read:

                        Slippery Rock
                        Slippery Rock
                        Slippery Rock
                        Mossy Pebble
                        Slippery Rock
                        Slippery Rock
                        Slippery Rock

Ah, those were the days!  They were followed by the commercial era in
which everybody had shirts sporting the ______s do it _____ motif (E.G.
Math majors do it by the numbers).  This was OK to begin with, but
eventually wore a bit thin.  Now a days we're swamped with "The Ten
Biggest Lies about going to Dismal Swamps College"  1)  We don't drink
much here, ETC.  Or those endless Naked Coed _______ing shirts.  These run
something like "Naked Coed Basketball  --It's up, It's in, It's over!  It
doesn't take many of these to run the idea into the ground.

Well the other day I saw a bit of humor which gives me new hope.
Window stickers abound here in Ithaca.  I think I've seen about every
college name displayed on a back window here except Dismal Swamps
State Teachers' College.  But the other day, amidst the seemingly endless
line-up of Cal Tech, Harvard, MIT, ETC. I saw a car with a sticker saying:
Massaversity of Unichussetts.  Now here is a wonderfully permuted version
of a common sticker which reads:  University of Massachusetts.  For you
foreigners --and probably some US natives too-- Massachusetts
(pronounced MASS*uh*CHEW*sits) is one of our States here. I suppose
Massaversity of Unichussetts makes just about as much sense as University
of Massachusetts to non-native US speakers, but it sure cracked up this yokel.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 6 Oct 1997 14:48:33 +0100
From:    Juggy <jagannatha.rao@K5ESK.FE.BOSCH.DE>
Subject: More Road Signs (may be off to Germans)

The post of Jack Shea reminded me of a joke we make of the germans
here (I'm living in Germany and making fun of them)

While driving on the German AutoBahns, you can see the signs "Ausfahrt"
and "Einfahrt".
Literally translated they mean "Exit" and "Entry". Also to excuse in
german they say, Bitte Entschuldigung.

When a non-german(with little knowledge of Deutsch) fahrts in public.
Then he/she would excuse like this "Bitte entschuldigung, fuer das
Ausfahrt.  ich nehme meine fahrt ein"
Literal translation means "Sorry for the exiting fahrt, I take back  my
fahrt in".

Have nice Fahrt(ing)

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 6 Oct 1997 20:11:56 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: One Question

 Q: What do you call a surd in a tree with a brief case?
 A: Branch Manager.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 6 Oct 1997 11:52:58 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Confucius (adult content)

CONFUCIUS SAY:
 1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
 2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
 3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
 4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
 5. Passionate kiss like spider web lead to undoing of fly.
 6. Man with holes in pants pockets, feels cocky all day.
 7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no peace at night.
 8. Virginity like balloon...one prick, all gone.
 9. Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
11. Baseball all wrong...man with four balls can't walk.
12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
14. Man with penis in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.
15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
18. When lady say no, she mean maybe,When lady say maybe,
    she mean yes, When lady say yes...she no lady!
	-------------------------------------
Confucius also say:

  Man who go to bed with question of sex on mind
  wake up withsolution in hand.

  He who go to bed with itchy butt,
  wake up with smelly finger.

  Woman who wallflower at party, dandelion in bed.

  He who put foot in mouth, get athlete's tongue.
 
  He who pees in wind gets wet.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 6 Oct 1997 12:17:45 -0500
From:    Anne Watters <PURPLE1@WEBTV.NET>
Subject: Hospitals

A lady suffering from a complete lack of energy went into the hospital
for tests.  She had the usual round of bad experiences--lousy food, bad
TV, awakened for sleeping pills, etc.

The tests were finished.  As she was packing, still tired, her doctor
came in and inquired "How's my listless patient?"

"Cured," she replied as she handed him her list--of complaints.


http://www.nzdances.co.nz/hosted/brain/story/anne.htm

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 6 Oct 1997 10:38:09 PDT
From:    Mark Huth <mhuth@RODGERS.RAIN.COM>
Subject: Wedding stock

"Ladies, you simply must consider any man with an earring as a good
option for marriage.  Not only are they familiar with pain, they
enjoy buying jewelery."

---Heard in our pastor's sermon, 10-5-97

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 6 Oct 1997 15:13:21 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Re: Collegiate Humor  (suggested  offense)

After reading Jim MIca's post on advertising college's on shirts, I
was reminded of the one we always spoke of ....

Sam Houston Institute of Technology
abbreviated as S.H.I.T.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 6 Oct 1997 16:51:16 -0400
From:    David Burns <burnsd@GISCO.NET>
Subject: PEANUT <off to parents>

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.  He'd
toss them in  he air, then catch them in his mouth.  In the middle of
catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her,
a peanut fell in his ear.  He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded
in only pushing it  in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and
after hours of trying they became worried & decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her
date.  After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said
he could get the peanut out.  The young man told the father to sit down,
then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out.  The mother & daughter jumped
& yelled for joy.  The young man insisted that it was nothing and the
daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The mother said,
"That's wonderful.  Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be
when he grows older?"

The father replied "From the smell of his fingers... our son in-law!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 6 Oct 1997 22:16:14 -0400
From:    "C.J. Schaffer" <cjschaff@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Fw: If Dr. Seuss wrote Star Trek...

If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation...
By Dave Fuller

Picard:   Sigma Indri, that's the star,
          So, Data, please, how far? How far?

Data:     Our ship can get there very fast
          But still the trip will last and last
          We'll have two days til we arrive
          But can the Indrans there survive?

Picard:   LaForge, please give us factor nine.

LaForge:  But, sir, the engines are offline!

Picard:   Offline! But why? I want to go!
          Please make it so, please make it so!

Riker:    But sir, if Geordi says we can't,
          We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't,
          The danger here is far too great!

Picard:   But surely we must not be late!

Troi:     I'm sensing anger and great ire.

Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!

Picard:   The ship's on fire? How could this be?
          Who lit the fire?

Riker:    Not me.

Worf:     Not me.

Picard:   Computer, how long til we die?

Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye.

Data:     May I suggest a course to take?
          We could, I think, quite safely make
          Extinguishers from tractor beams
          And stop the fire, or so it seems...

Geordi:   Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day!
          Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!

Picard:   Mr. Data, thank you much.
          You've saved our lives, our ship, and such.

Troi:     We still must save the Indran planet --

Data:     Which (by the way) is made of granite...

Picard:   Enough, you android. Please desist.
          We understand -- we get your gist.
          But can we get our ship to go?
          Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.

Geordi:     There's sabotage among the wires
                    And that's what started all the fires.

Riker:      We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
                 We need to go! We need to go!

Troi:       We must seek out the traitor spy
               And lock him up and ask him why?

Worf:       Ask him why? How sentimental.
                I say give him problems dental.

Troi:       Are any Romulan ships around?
                Have scanners said that they've been found?
               Or is it Borg or some new threat
               We haven't even heard of yet?
               I sense no malice in this crew.
               Now what are we supposed to do?

Crusher:    Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
            They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!"
            I can't just sit and let them die!
            A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try!

Picard:     Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.

Crusher:    They may be dead by Tuesday noon.

*COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK
 HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?*

Worf:       The saboteur is in the brig.
            He's very strong and very big.
            I had my phaser set on stun --
            A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!
            He would not budge, he would not fall,
            He would not stun, no, not at all!
            He changed into a stranger form
            All soft and purple, round and warm.

Picard:     Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
            Did you see this creature morph?

Worf:       I did and then I beat him fairly.
            Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely.

Riker:      My commendations, Klingon friend!
            Our troubles now are at an end!

Crusher:    Now let's get our ship to fly
            And orbit yonder Indran sky!

Picard:     LaForge, please tell me we can go...?

Geordi:     Yes, sir, we can.

Picard:     Then make it so!

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End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Oct 1997 to 7 Oct 1997
**********************************************
