HUMOR Digest - 1 Oct 1997 to 2 Oct 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 747 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Yuppie-isms (and ain't-em's too)
  2. Gone Fishing <clean>
  3. Pardon Me! (adult)
  4. Black Sheep (sexual)
  5. Old lady! (adult)
  6. diplomatic chat
  7. BLUE MOVIE? <ADULT SEXUAL CONTENT!!!!!!!!!!>long but worthwile
  8. 20 Things Guys Learned From Action Movies
  9. Various jokes with an Indian flavour - Part 3 <minimally offensive>
 10. mistakes happen (poss off to Alabamans)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 1 Oct 1997 03:59:07 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Yuppie-isms (and ain't-em's too)

I swear, the damn Yuppies are at it again.  Now, they even try to
impress everyone with their speech;  not eloquent so much mind ya,
but designed to disguise the truth.  Well, I've broken their code,
and present below some of their more commonly used phrases:

* Fellow had his $ 180,000 "Snub-mobile" repossessed by the finance
  company.  He told everyone that his "balance sheet required a
  reshuffling of proprietary interests."
                                - - - - -

* When the kids get out of control, you and I spank the lil' snot
  noses good and send them to their rooms.  Yuppies, on the other
  hand, engage in "practical negative reinforcement."
                                - - - - -

* There was a famous educational book called "What Makes Sammy Run ?"
  still in use today.  The schools in Columbia Maryland though all
  have copies of "The Motivational Research of Samuel's Potential."
                                - - - - -

* "Meat Loaf" -- forget that !  In the Yuppie kitchen it becomes
  "Recycled Prime Roast."
                                - - - - -

* Most young couples are so overjoyed to own their first home they
  gladly acknowledge that it's a bit bare at first until they can
  afford more furniture.  The Yuppies ?  They have "a considerable
  grasp of spatial values."
                                - - - - -

* Forced to sell an expensive Japanese camera for the cash, the Yuppie
  told everyone he "disposed of a segment of his foreign holdings."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 1 Oct 1997 11:14:27 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Gone Fishing <clean>

A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes
walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the
center of the ice and begins to saw a hole.
All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find
no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once
more, the voice speaks,
"As I said before, there are no fish under that ice."
The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single
soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before
he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts.
"I have told you three times now.  There are no fish!"
The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice,
"How do you know there are no fish? Are you God, trying to warn me?"
"No", the voice replies.
"Who are you then?", asks the drunk.
"I am the manager of this hockey rink!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 1 Oct 1997 11:30:24 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <itf@INTOUCH.COM>
Subject: Pardon Me! (adult)

A flat chested woman was delighted when her Fairy Godmother said her
breasts would increase in size each time a man said, "Pardon," to her.=20
She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he
said, "Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was
ecstatic. The next day she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he
begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was in
seventh heaven! She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a
waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior."

The next day the headline in the local newspaper said, "Chinese Waiter
Crushed by Two Torpedoes!"


http://nadi.home.ml.org

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 1 Oct 1997 11:26:16 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <itf@INTOUCH.COM>
Subject: Black Sheep (sexual)

A missionary was sent to the deepest, darkest part of Africa, and moved
in with a primitive native tribe.  He spent several years with the
people, during which he particularly stressed was the evil of sexual
sin... no adultery, no fornication!

One day, the wife of one of the tribe's noblemen gave birth to a child.=20
The child was white!  This caused quite a stir in the village.  The
chief sent for the missionary, and said, "You have taught us the evils
of sexual sin, but here is a black woman who gives birth to a white
child.  And you are the only white man in a distance of a five days
walk!  What is the explanation?"

The missionary replies, "No, no, my good man, you are mistaken.  This is
a natural occurrence, what in English we call an albino.  Nature does
this on some occasions. For example, look there at that flock of sheep.=20
They are all white, except among them -- look there is one black sheep.
Could you explain this to me?"

The chief thinks it over for a while and then replies, "O.K. Tell you
what father. You don't say anything about the black sheep, and I won't
say anything about the white child."


http://nadi.home.ml.org

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 1 Oct 1997 11:35:03 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <itf@INTOUCH.COM>
Subject: Old lady! (adult)

A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a
quivering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you, sell-l d-didildoes h-here?
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance
in his shop answered, "Uh, yes ma'am, We do."

The little lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart
asked, "D-do y-you ha-ave any ab-bb-bout  th-this lon-ong?"
Well......... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big.

"D-do aa-ny of them ha-ave a  v-v-v-vibra-a-ator?" Yes ma'am, one of
them does.

W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"


http://nadi.home.ml.org

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 1 Oct 1997 06:12:58 -0400
From:    "C.J. Schaffer" <cjschaff@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: diplomatic chat

If Clinton and Yeltsin Held Their Summits in a Private On-line "Chat Room"

PrezBubba:    {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Boris}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
DRUNKBORIS:   {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Bill}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
PrezBubba:    What's up?
DRUNKBORIS:   nmh
DRUNKBORIS:   How's the knee?
PrezBubba:    They may have to amputate
PrezBubba:    <------just kidding
DRUNKBORIS:   lol
PrezBubba:    BTW, are you going to join NATO or not?
DRUNKBORIS:   no
PrezBubba:    : (
PrezBubba:    age/sex check
DRUNKBORIS    66/m
PrezBubba:    51/m
PrezBubba:    come on....join NATO
DRUNKBORIS:   I WILL NOT JOIN NATO!!!!!
PrezBubba:    k
PrezBubba:    No need to yell
PrezBubba:    What about arms reduction?
PrezBubba:    well
PrezBubba:    ?
PrezBubba:    you there?
DRUNKBORIS:   <---sorry
DRUNKBORIS:   I got an IM from some borscht belt babe
PrezBubba:    kewl
PrezBubba:    Was she looking for some Cyber?
DRUNKBORIS:   No... just complaining about the rampant unemployment!
              Asking ME if I could do something about it!
DRUNKBORIS:   <g>
PrezBubba:    LMAO
PrezBubba:    So are you gonna lose the jukes?
DRUNKBORIS:   jukes?
PrezBubba:    oops...
PrezBubba:    nukes
DRUNKBORIS:   yeah, sure....why not. : )
PrezBubba:    wtg, Boris!
DRUNKBORIS:   {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Bill}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
PrezBubba:    <---feels very diplomatic right now
DRUNKBORIS:   o.k. are we done cuz i wanna go to Best Lil Chathousenow
PrezBubba:    guess so...I'm going to AskFemaleAnything
DRUNKBORIS:   you're sick!
PrezBubba:    ; )
DRUNKBORIS:   Anyway, c ya
PrezBubba:    peace, out.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 1 Oct 1997 14:36:52 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: BLUE MOVIE? <ADULT SEXUAL CONTENT!!!!!!!!!!>long but worthwile


THE TRUTH ABOUT THE SMURFS.

It's time to tell the truth about Smurfs.  You see, Smurfs are a lot like
other folks; they have dreams and ambitions, deep, thoughtful conversations
with each other, and good and bad times.

"But," people ask, "do Smurfs have... you know...  *sex*?"

The answer is an emphatic and resounding YES! And why shouldn't they?
They're people, too.

What *most* people don't know is why Smurfs are blue.  Well, the reason
is because Smurfs only have sex once a year.  Face it: if you had sex only
once a year, you'd be blue, too.

Once a year, in the Smurf village, flags and banners fly happily in the
breeze, proclaiming that the day of the annual Smuckfest has arrived.
Birds sing and the Sun comes out to watch, despite the weather Smurf's
direst predictions. I guess good ol' Mr. Sun is a voyeur.

In the middle of town, Papa Smurf gives a brief speech explaining the
origin of the Smuckfest; how Dr. C. Everett Koop came to the village and
warned all the Smurfs about AIDS.  Papa Smurf knew that no one made condoms
small enough for a Smurf (even though everyone knows that all male Smurfs
are uniformly well-hung, for their size), so he decreed that all Smurfs
would only smuck one day a year.

"Smucking one day a year will help us identify any diseases we may transmit
to one another, and keep them from spreading to the animals in the forest,"
declaimed Papa Smurf.  "Besides, it will give Smurfette a chance to rest."

Yes!  Smurfette must rest.  For, as everyone knows, Smurfette is the only
female Smurf in the village, and after a full day of having vigorous, rabid
sex with two hundred cunt-crazed little blue men, she needs a break.

So, on the appointed day, Papa Smurf bids everyone throw their inhibitions
to the wind and immerse themselves in debauchery. And, as is his privilege,
Papa Smurf throws out the first throe.

At his signal, Smurfette unties the skintight blue band she must use to
suppress her natural bustiness, and her astounding tits spring forth into
the daylight.  The Sun gleams lecherously on the smooth, blue flesh,
nipples crinkling in the light of day from her soon-to-be-unbridled lust.

Then Smurfette shimmies out of her skirt and stands before the crowd, naked
as the day she was born, save the spike-heeled white boots she has donned
just for the occasion.  Her long, blonde hair cascades down her back and
lasciviously outlines her buttocks, clinging like a dirty old man's gaze to
each curve and dimple.

Her cunt winks lewdly from behind the golden shield of pubic glory, already
glistening in mad anticipation of each and every raging rod it would receive
that day.  And receive them gladly it would, for hers is the indefatigable
furburger, and she hungered for the sauce blended in the heat of passion.

Smurfette turns to Papa Smurf and lifts her stupendous breasts with their
turgid nipples to his lips.  He takes each one, in turn, into his mouth,
where his tongue dances the Fabulous Fandango around the areolae, as
Smurfette moans like a cat in heat.

Then, when poor Smurfette can take no more, Papa Smurf drops to his bony
little knees and sprinkles his magic deSmurfilating dust on Smurfette's
engorged cunt lips.  Presto!  The lovely blonde braiding material falls
from her, leaving her shaved smooth as a hard-boiled egg. "Oh, Papa Smurf!"
she cries.  "Encore!!  Encore!!", as she writhes in anticipation of the
Fabulous Furless Fandango danced 'round her pulsating pussy.

Papa Smurf does not disappoint the damsel in distress;  he slides his hands
under her tight little blue ass and parts her moistness with his thumbs. As
the hot, funky juices begin to run down his arms, he plunges tongue-first
and tonsil-deep into her wiggling womanhood.  Smurfette gasps as the
talented tongue begins to do its magic, and her cunt clutches at it like a
baby bird after a worm.

Cradling his head to her crotch, Smurfette's hips begin to slowly grind and
twitch, for Papa Smurf's tongue has unerringly found her S-spot, and
Smurfette begins the slow, hot, agonizing rise to ecstasy. "Oh, make me
smurf, baby, make me smurf!", she pants, each stroke of his tongue causing
her to throb and clutch.

As Smurfette's moans and cries rise in pitch higher and higher, the crowd
gazes in amazement at the mighty mound of meat struggling to escape from
Papa Smurf's pants.  This, then, is the legendary Trouser Titan, bulging
forth in a determined attempt to split the barrier.

Just when Smurfette is certain she will die from sheer sensory overload,
Papa Smurf flings off his Levis and frees the Magnificent Heat-Seeking
Moisture Missle from its cradle. Maddened with blind lust, Smurfette hurls
Papa Smurf to the platform and leaps shrieking into the air, landing
unerringly on his Titanic Totem.

Suddenly filled, Smurfette's cunt explodes in a monster orgasm, the force
of which propels her screaming into the air again and again, each time
plummeting her onto the Potent Purple Pecker andtriggering another climax.

Before Smurfette can achieve orbit, Papa Smurf grab her legs and pulls her
to the ground.  Swiftly, he stands, pulling her to her knees. Gasping in
awe, Smurfette gets a head-on view of his hard-on, glistening in the light
like a war staff.

The sight of this shining stud is too much for Smurfette, who immediately
grabs both of Papa smurf's bulging balls in her hands and pulls him to her
waiting mouth.  With preternatural skill and primeval hunger, Smurfette
devours the monster cock, licking and sucking like a starving child with
an ice cream cone.

His ass knotting like a sailor's anchor rope, Papa Smurf pounds into
Smurfette's mouth with furious strokes.  As he reaches his blazing climax,
he forces Smurfette to take all thirteen and 7/8ths inches of blue tube
steak and fires round after pulsing round of blue goo down her ravenous
throat.

"Hurray!!", shouts the crowd.  "Now it's OUR turn!!" Suddenly the town
square erupts with scenes of azure carnality, as 200 tiny blue asses appear
in the sunlight.  200 raging cocks swarm toward Smurfette's waiting and
ever-willing cunt, ready to make her scream for mercy as they scream for
more.  400 bouncing balls follow each other toward the nearest available
orifice, making Smurfette wish there were more of her.

Those lucky enough to find access to Smurfette's fabulous form begin their
crazed humping, as others find their schlongs being stroked as fast as she
can grab.  Those whose time will come later are coming now, as their friends
clutch lustily at their forbidden fruits, flinging frothy fuck-foam far and
wide.

Up the ass!  Down the throat!  Backhand, forehand, underhand, in the armpit
or behind the knee, the Smurfs erupt in a display of orgasmic prowess to
shame the most devoted student of the Kama Sutra.  Soon the street becomes
hazardous to navigate (and navigate one must), as the square gets deeper and
deeper in the collective come.

Hour after hour, the orgy rampages on. Gradually, as night falls, the screams
of orgasmic ecstasy turn to the moans and sighs of deep contentment, with the
occasional whimper from an over-enthusiastic sodomite.  Soon all is quiet, as
Smurf helps Smurf back to Home and Preparation H.  Tubes of Chap-Stick are
quickly distributed to soothe aching lips, and aloe gel is applied (as are
lips, if it is too stimulating) to the citizen's members to ease the burning.
As the exhausted (and completely sated) Smurfs lie in sexual stupor, gentle
rains come (not them, too!) to wash away all traces of the fleshfest that
was.

And you wondered why Smurfs are always in such a good mood...


* Fighting for peace is like @#$%ing for virginity

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 1 Oct 1997 09:02:52 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: 20 Things Guys Learned From Action Movies

 1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other
    than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person
    and kill him with my bare hands.
 2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit
    so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.
 3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go
    to bed with you, and the type that want to kill you. Both types are
    physically attractive and under 25 years old.
 4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only
    won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
 5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my
    obligations to perform household chores, bathe, & call the next day.
 6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they
    will adore me.
 7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she
    will fall in love with me.
 8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private
    investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.
 9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us
    dies, we will become best friends.
10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing
    to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep
    respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.
11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will
    never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children.
    When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,'
    which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.
12. If I'm white I will befriend at least one black guy, or one white guy
    if I'm black. If I am Latino the monster/villain will kill me halfway
    through the film, urging the hero to even greater levels of violence.
13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful
    daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.
14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will
    gaze at me adoringly.
15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and
    gaze at me adoringly.
16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or
    game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who
    will then try to kill me.
17. If I am given a surprise attack, I will be attacked by only one or
    maybe two people at a time, and I will find that I am well-skilled in
    Karate and Ju-jitsu, and if all else fails, I will always have one
    last firearm hidden somewhere on my body.
18. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a
    sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'
19. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and
    ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask
    when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never
    do those things either.
20. While chasing or fleeing from an enemy, I can drive anything with
    a motor recklessly at 100-130 miles per hour without a seatbelt, with
    ammunition filling the passenger seat, and nothing will fall out of
    place.  Also, no police will ever catch me; they'll just look in
    amazement in my direction.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 1 Oct 1997 16:30:40 -0400
From:    "Narasimhan, Seshadri" <NarasimhanS@BERNSTEIN.COM>
Subject: Various jokes with an Indian flavour - Part 3 <minimally offensive>

Taken (and adapted) from The Times Of India dated 28th September, 1997
(http://www.timesofindia.com/280997/edit12.htm)

Q: What travels faster, heat or cold?
A: Heat, because it is easy to catch a cold.

Mom: Lalit, I thought I told you to watch for the milk boiling over.
Lalit: I did Mom, it boiled over five minutes ago.
- by Manoj Pandey, Varanasi

Teacher: Nancy what is a cannibal?
Nancy: I don't know maam.
Teacher: Well, if you were to eat your parents, what would you be?
Nancy: An orphan maam.

Q: Why do we say, `he earns his bread...' when what we really mean is
`he earns his money ...'?
A: Because everybody `kneads' it.

Q: Why are tall people lazier than short people?
A: Because they're longer in bed.
- by Neetu Juriasinghani, New Delhi

Display board outside a women's wear shop: A good place to shop for
women.
- by Puneet Jain, Kanpur

Two girls discussing the handsome new lecturer.
``He dresses so well,'' said the first.
``Yes, '' agreed the second. ``And so quickly too!''

Student: I is ...''
Teacher: No, you must say, I am
Student: All right -- I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

One Mom to another
First Mom: My boy is growing up, he wants to go out with girls.
Second Mom: My boy is past that. He wants to stay indoors with them.
- by Shahnaz Akhtar, Chapra

``Let me count the notes,''said the burglar to his companion, after
looting a bank.
``Don't bother. The amount will be published in tomorrow's newspaper,''
said his companion.

Doctor: I regret to say that the cheque you gave me has come back.
Patient: So has my fever.

Judge: Have you anything to offer the court before the sentence is
passed on you?
Prisoner: No sir, I had Rs 200 but my lawyer took it.
- by R. Lakshmi, Calcutta

Teacher: How can you say that animals have powerful eyes?
Student: I've never seen them wearing glasses.

Father: Sunil what would you like to be when you grow up?
Sunil: A veterinary doctor.
Father: Why, a veterinary doctor?
Sunil: Because an animal can't complain of wrong treatment.
- by Sunil Kulkarni, Bangalore

Q: Where do you find cherries in ponds?
A: In Pondicherry (a state(?) in Southern India)
- by Chetan P. Kavi, New Delhi

Manoj: I was sending a letter to my girlfriend almost everyday.
Suresh: Then what happened?
Manoj: She fell in love with the postman and got married!
- by Sulabh Pani, Puri

Q: Why did the absent-minded professor go out without wearing his pants?
A: Because he had only a half-length mirror.
- by Kunal Gautam, Noida

Q: What did a sneezing champion win in the Olympics?
A: A cold medal.
Q: Where would you always find a helping hand?
A: At the end of your arm.
Q: Who is a diplomat?
A: One who thinks twice before saying nothing.
Q: Where does success comes before work?
A: Only in the dictionary.
Q: What is the full form of `Stupid'?
A: Smart, talented, unique person in demand.

If a guy opens the car door for his girl, either the girl is new or the
car is.
- by Neha Agrawal, Gaya

Q: There are seven letters in an English word -- the first two letters
stand for man, the first three for woman and first four for the brave
man and all seven stand for brave woman, which is that word?
A: Heroine.
- by Mallikarjun Jirgi, Gulbarga

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 1 Oct 1997 15:53:51 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: mistakes happen (poss off to Alabamans)

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on
the supernatural.  To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many
people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start.  Out of those of you who believe in ghosts,
do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good.  I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?

15 students raise their hands.

That's a great response.  Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic.  But let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished.  He takes off glasses, takes a step back,
and says,  "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has
ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and
tell us about your experience.

The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to
the podium.  The professor says,  "Well, tell us what it's like to have
sex with a ghost.

The student replies,  "Ghost?!?"

"Dang it, I thought you said 'goats.'"

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Oct 1997 to 2 Oct 1997
**********************************************
