HUMOR Digest - 30 Sep 1997 to 1 Oct 1997
There are 13 messages totalling 540 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Actual newpaper headlines
  2. Salesmanship
  3. Men's Rules for Women <may be offensive to women>
  4. Princess Di Conspiracy Theory <clean but tasteless>
  5. Chinese detective (sexual)
  6. Corporate Astrology
  7. Trick or Treat!!!
  8. More barbs for AJC's column "the Vent"
  9. REALLY CORNY
 10. blushing penguin (sexual inuendo)
 11. old age (offensive I guess)
 12. Planning Ahead ....A leg up.....not offensive
 13. Musings

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Date:    Tue, 30 Sep 1997 01:30:55 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Actual newpaper headlines

>From Mike Avery <MAvery@mail.otherwhen.com> and JokeMaster
<JokeMaster@JokeMaster.com>:

       ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES


 GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT
 The Tallahassee Bugle

 MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS
 The Anchorage Alaska Times

 GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY [should be "Pen Is"]
 The New Haven Connecticut Register

 THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON
 The Arkansas Plainsman

 CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS
 Bangor Maine News

 STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION
 The Washington Times

 CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL
 The Bosnia Bugle

 LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI'S BLOW
 Newsday

 ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
 San Antonio Rose

 PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE
 Chicago Daily News

 TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS
 The Miami Herald

 MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING
 The New Haven Connecticut Register

 GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS
 The Tallahassee Democrat

 WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN?  ABSOLUTELY!
 The Houston Chronicle

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Sep 1997 05:38:10 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Salesmanship

*   The out-of-work newlywed took a temporary job as a vacuum cleaner
  salesman to make ends meet.  After 3 days of intensive training, the
  sales manager told him to go home and practice his pitch on his wife.
  The next morning, the manager asked the novice how he made out.
    "Well," the man began, "I did what you said, and after I finished,
  I asked her if she would buy the vacuum cleaner from me.  She said
  'Yes.'  Then I asked her 'why ?'  She replied, 'Because I love you'."
                                - - - - -

* A traveling salesman was held up by a bad storm in the Hawaiian
  Islands.  He sent an e-mail to his corporate headquarters advising
  them that he was stranded for a few days and requested instructions.
  The reply came back shortly: "Begin vacation as of yesterday."
                                - - - - -

* Insurance agent to would-be client: "Don't let me frighten you into
  a hasty decision.  Sleep on it tonite.  If you wake in the morning,
  give me a call then and let me know.
                                - - - - -

* The couple was standing staring at one of the more expensive models
  in the auto showroom.  A salesman sensing their debate over the price
  moved in and said, "This model is priced just over the car which is
  priced a few dollars above the car which costs no more than some
  models of the lowest priced cars."
                                - - - - -

*   An insurance salesman was getting nowhere in his efforts to sell a
  policy to a farmer.  "Look at it this way." he said finally.  "How
  would your wife carry on if you should die ?"
    "Well..." drawled the weather-beaten man, "I don't reckon that'd be
  any concern of mine -- long as she behaves herself while I'm alive."
                                - - - - -

*   A policeman came upon a super-salesman about to jump from a bridge
  and yelled, "Wait !  Please don't do that !!!"
    The salesman said, "Why not ?" and proceeded to expound on his views
  on the shaky economy, declining family life and Clinton politics.
    Shortly thereafter, they both jumped.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Sep 1997 12:03:51 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Men's Rules for Women <may be offensive to women>

Men's 39 (or so) Rules for Women

 1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet
    UP when you are done.

 2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include
    something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried,
    Beer, and Red.

 3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.

 4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine
    bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins
    deserving your contempt.

 5. Shopping is not fascinating.

 6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend,
    he is only joking.

 7. Unless the answer is yes.

 8. In which case, can he videotape it?

 9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.

10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or
    tending the grill.

11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room
    is not funny.

12. Money does not equate to love. Not even in Nevada.

13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (e.g.,
    microwaving a burrito, fixing spaghetti, etc.) should be met with
    roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon her
    infant when it walks for the first time.

14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.

15. He heard you the first time.

16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out, too. Let's spread the rejection around a
    little.

17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want
    answers to.

18. Of COURSE he wants another beer.

19. Dogs good. Cats bad.

20. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.

21. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall," you have to sit through
    "Showgirls."

22. "Fine!" is not an acceptable way to end an argument.

23. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he
    stop for directions.

24. He was not looking at that other girl.

25. Well, okay... maybe a little.

26. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at
    another guy.

27. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you
have ever met.

28. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.

29. Your [select appropriate item: butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs] look fine.
    As a matter of fact, it/they look d*mned good. Stop asking.

30. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.

31. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your period with him.

32. Remember: That Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in
    the shower.

33. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, looks
    fine/smells bad, looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it,
    do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.

34. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you.
    Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than
    he is. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these
    people, love the one you're with.

35. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly
    thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.

36. Don't hog the covers.

37. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the
    halftime show to act upon that.

38. He does not just want to be friends.

39. Just because this list doesn't have as many entries as yours, doesn't
    mean it's any less important.


* Fighting for peace is like @#$%ing for virginity

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Sep 1997 09:58:40 -0400
From:    Muad'Dib <usul@THEPOINT.NET>
Subject: Princess Di Conspiracy Theory <clean but tasteless>

My friend Jeff Harris has figured out just how the conspiracy to kill
Diana must have worked....

     We all know that Mother Therasa died almost immediately after Princess
Di. That seems a little odd, especially since we know they were acquainted
and had worked together on several charitable and human rights campaigns.
Well, it all makes sense if you think about it. Mother Theresa was upset
when she discovered her good friend Di was having a out-of-wedlock affair
with this Dodi character and had the Vatican order a hit on her.

     Gianni Versace found out about the contract on Di and so, the Vatican
had to take him out, too. Using Cunanan allowed them to discredit the gay
community - given the Vatican's attitude toward homosexuality, this is
clearly a two-birds-with-one-stone approach. Well, the hit went on as
planned, Di and her illicit lover were dead, and Buckingham Palace, too
late to save the Princess, had Mother Theresa killed in retaliation.

     The only part that doesn't fit is, why did the have Pavarotti chasing
Di through Paris?


http://www.thepoint.net/~usu

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Sep 1997 20:52:26 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <itf@INTOUCH.COM>
Subject: Chinese detective (sexual)

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous
Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities
that might develop.

A few days later he received this report:

Most honorable sir: You leave house.  I watch house.  He comes to
house.  I watch.  He and she leave house.  I follow.  He and she get on
train.  I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree - look in
window.  He kiss she. She kiss he.  He strip her.  She strip he.  He
play with she.  She play with he.  I play with ME.  Fall out of tree.
Not see. NO FEE.



* I once had a life... now I have the Internet...

http://nadi.home.ml.org

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Sep 1997 15:52:36 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Corporate Astrology


Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday.  The
Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you
like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on
television.

Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title,
people will have you all figured out...

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to
avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and
socializing--which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now.
Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a
degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you
and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with
"customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek
admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are
instead content to completely control everything that happens at your
workplace. Often even you don't understand what you are saying, but who
the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is
said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers.  You
can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the
latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing
your "carpal tunnel"...

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly
immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the
organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the
majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential
information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization.
Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are
unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have
lunch, and mail a letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat,
yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job
for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to
measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for
yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in
your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are
destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable
to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of
meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior
Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride
from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents
for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to
play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best
bet is to sleep with your manager.

CONSULTANT: 666.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Sep 1997 16:18:58 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Trick or Treat!!!

 Top Ten Reasons That Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex:

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
 9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go at it again.
 8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
 7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave it to you.
 6. Person you are with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
 5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last nine months.
 4. If you wear a Bill Clinton mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
 3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
 2. Less guilt the next morning.
 1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Sep 1997 16:40:36 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: More barbs for AJC's column "the Vent"

I've just had my 25th wedding anniversary. Do you think I could get
my first husband (11 years) and my second husband (14 years) to go in
together and buy me some silver?

I'm not going to let anybody tell me to stop smoking. I'm going to
smoke and smoke and smoke. And when it kills me, I'm going to sue the
tobacco companies.

My grandma is so old that she knew Ivan the Terrible when he was only
mildly annoying.

I killed a six-pack just to watch it die.

When try to talk too fast, my tongue gets in front my eye-teeth and I
can't see what I'm saying.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I used to be indecisive but now I'm not sure.

My young son just learned a valuable lesson today. He will no longer
drink milk while watching the Three Stooges.

If someone offers you a breath mint, take it.

You know the new TV reason is here. Three times last night they
actually interrupted the commercials to bring us some programming.

Dear (Atlanta) Braves, Do me a favor and let me enjoy this October.
Lose early.

If Ted Turner (owner of the Atlanta Braves) is feeling so generous,
why don't he knock a few dolllars of the price of a Brave's ticket?

My wife just came into the family room and asked me if I was watching
football. I said, "No, darling. I'm watching the Atlanta Falcons."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Sep 1997 18:17:29 EDT
From:    Jena M Bolin <just.jena@JUNO.COM>
Subject: REALLY CORNY

A man walks into a bar, and says:

OUCH!!!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Sep 1997 18:39:12 -0400
From:    "C.J. Schaffer" <cjschaff@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: blushing penguin (sexual inuendo)

A penguin was driving through a small town when his car broke down. He
called AAA, and his car was towed to a local garage where the mechanic told
him he would need a couple of hours to check out the problem. The penguin
wasn't in any particular hurry, so he wandered off to look around.

Entering a local supermarket, he bought some fish sticks and some vanilla
ice cream for lunch, and then hung out in the frozen foods section until it
was time to return to the garage. The mechanic, seeing him enter the garage,
came over, wiping his hands on a rag and shaking his head, and said "It
looks like you blew a seal."

Blushing, the penguin quickly wiped his bill with his flippers, and replied,
"Oh, no!  It's just ice cream!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Sep 1997 16:56:26 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: old age (offensive I guess)

A woman is in her doctor's office after having to take testosterone.

Woman: "Doc, I've started growing hair on my chest, is this normal?"

Doctor: "Yes, it's perfectly normal for a little hair to grow on a
women's chest when she is on testosterone therapy.  How far does the
hair reach?"

Woman: "Down to my balls."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Sep 1997 21:58:46 -0400
From:    David Burns <burnsd@GISCO.NET>
Subject: Planning Ahead ....A leg up.....not offensive

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess
happened upon a frog in a pond.

The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an
evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back
into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom
where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and
forever feel lucky for doing so."

That night, the princess had frogs legs for dinner.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 1 Oct 1997 00:17:36 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Musings

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts!

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be
if sponges did not live there.

Do they have reserved parking for
non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

The other day I went to a tourist information
booth and said: "Tell me about some of the
tourists who were here last year."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 30 Sep 1997 to 1 Oct 1997
***********************************************
