HUMOR Digest - 29 Sep 1997 to 30 Sep 1997
There are 19 messages totalling 811 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The winner? <adult sexual>
  2. Mafioso Q&A  <clean>
  3. The Published JimJr
  4. So this homosexual comic goes into a nightclub... (off to homophobes)
  5. Misc. puns (not off.)
  6. Catagory of virus's(off to computer viruses)
  7. McDonald's Top Ten (adult content)
  8. Humor:  How they make those foods look so good on TV
  9. Fwd: Bunch of drunks
 10. Writing Contest
 11. Diana's 'killing' and Indian repercussions <off. to no one!>
 12. Wishes (poss off to old ladies and cat lovers)
 13. Humor: Photography
 14. Marv Albert Joke (risque)
 15. Why you shouldn't sleep on the beach
 16. More dyslexic humour
 17. Love.. <clean>
 18. Barn Name
 19. A Little Birdie <Adult Language>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Sep 1997 08:48:15 +0200
From:    Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: The winner? <adult sexual>

 A man is gambling in the casino and wins $1000. He decides to celebrate
 and goes out looking for a hooker. He finds a hooker and says he wants a
 blowjob. The hooker says "No Problem, $500."

 Our hero says "Hey, that's a lot of money for a blowjob!"

 The hooker replies "Do you see that BMW convertible over there? I paid
 cash for it because I give the finest blowjobs in town!"

 Our hero pays the hooker the money, gets his BJ and goes back to the
 casino a very happy fellow. The next day, he's in the casino and wins
 $2000. Again, to celebrate, he goes out looking for a hooker.

 He finds the same one. He says "Today I wanna fuck you in the ass."

 The hooker says "No problem, $1000"

 Our hero says "Hey that's a lot of money just for anal sex!"

 "The hooker responds "Do you see that penthouse apt. up there? Well I
  paid cash for it because I have the nicest ass in town!"

 Well, our hero pays the hooker, goes about his business, and goes back
 to the casino with a smile on his face. The next day, our hero leaves
 the casino looking for a hooker. He finds the same one. He says "Today,
 all I want is a little pussy."

 The hooker replies "Do you see that new shopping mall they're building
 across the street?

 Our hero answers "No! Don't tell me you own that shopping mall too?"

 The hooker answers "No! But you can be Damn sure I would if I had a
 pussy!"


* Fighting for peace is like @#$%ing for virginity

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Sep 1997 09:31:38 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Mafioso Q&A  <clean>

Q. How do you recognise a New Age Mafioso?
A. Carries crystals in his violin case and makes you an offer that
allows you to reach your true self, via the acknowledgement of many
multi-faceted truths. Also, he gives you the option of refusing his
offer, if it violates your inner persona, but that would bring you
very bad Karma.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Sep 1997 04:07:55 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Published JimJr

Continuing with yesterday's "fan mail" theme, I decided to try my hand
at the real world of jokes and see what would happen should I attempt
to publish some jokes in print for profit:

*   I sent a religious collection of jokes to a well-known religious
  publication and they were summarily rejected.  In analyzing why, I
  assumed it was due to the profanity, mild as it was, so I edited out
  any objectional word and resubmitted them with a note: "I have cut
  the profanity out of my jokes.  I hope you can use them now."
    I got a note back: "We do not wish to appear irreverent, but even
  if you cut the hell out of them, we still couldn't use them."
                                - - - - -

*   Hearing nothing from a magazine, I wrote them again asking them to
  return my material if they were not going to use it, as I had other
  irons in the fire.
    Their prompt reply: "We have reviewed your jokes again and advise
  you to put them in with the other irons."
                                - - - - -

*   Being of English heritage, I even tried a publishing company in
  England and asked their advice on the best channel for marketing my
  jokes.
    Their reply ?  "The one channel we can conscientiously recommend
  for humor of this type would be the English Channel."
                                - - - - -

*   One company returned my material with a few sample pages of jokes
  they had recently published.  The note explained: "As the cock said
  to the hens when he showed them an ostrich egg, 'I am not disparaging;
  I am not criticizing.  I merely bring to your attention what is being
  done elsewhere'."
                                - - - - -

*   Another publisher said, "Although we cannot use your material at this
  time, we note your humor has everything: horror, depravity, profanity,
  madness and sex -- all handled with dignity and restraint."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Sep 1997 06:13:18 -0400
From:    David R Beach <dbeach@OSF1.GMU.EDU>
Subject: So this homosexual comic goes into a nightclub... (off to homophobes)

>From Sunday's New York TIMES from A FUNNY TIMES TO BE GAY,
Ed Karvoski, Jr (Fireside/Simon & Schuster, 1997)

"If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work.  'Hello,
can't work today.  Still queer.'"  --L.A. comic Robin Tyler

"I took one look at the amount of my last bill and I said to my doctor, "I
hope to God this figure is my T-cell count!" --Steve Moore, HIV+ comic

"Gay police--They don't read you the Miranda rights; they read you the
Carmen Miranda rights." --Tom Ammiano, S.F.

"My Aunt Lorraine said, 'Bob, you're gay.  Are you seeing a psychiatrist?'
I said, 'No, I'm seeing a lieutenant in the Navy.'"  --Bob Smith

"Labels can also be misleading.  I saw a news report about a lesbian
protest march, and the reporter said, 'Coming up next, a lesbian
demonstration.'  My first thought was, 'Cool.  I always wondered how those
things worked.'" --Michael Dane, L.A.

"I know that some lesbians are gettin pregnant by going to sperm banks.  I
couldn't do that.  I'm exactly like my grandmother.  'What?  Everything's
frozen?!  Nothing's fresh?!?'"  --Judy Carter, L.A.

"A nun told me I was going to receive my Confirmation, so I must choose a
Confirmation name, and it must be the name of a saint.  So I chose Eva
Marie." --Danny McWilliams, N.Y.

"I came out to a straight friend and told her that I'm a lesbian.  The
first thing she said to me was: 'Really?  Do you know Jill McGee?  She's a
lesbian in Philadelphia!'  Pardon me for laughing, but straight people are
so funny!  They think we all know each other!  Actually, I do know her.
But, hey, it's just a coincidence!" --Karen Ripley, Berkeley

"I do not care whether they allow gays in the military or not, because the
whole idea of the military strikes me as completely absurd.  I do not
understand the desire to pick up a gun and go off and shoot strangers when
there are so many loved ones I'd like to take a shot at first.  I'd have
to reload several times to get every one on my particular hit list of
love."  --E.L. Gregory, L.A.

"Yes, I was a teen-age lesbian.  And while that may sound like a horror
movie to some of you, but for me I could subtitle that period of my life,
'Adventures in Paradise,' because there was one thing that we gay
teen-agers could do that our straight friends couldn't.  I could say,
'Hey, Mom, Michelle's comin' over the spend the night Friday night, O.K.?'
'O.K., Honey!.'"  --Marilyn Pittman, S.F.

"I do a lot of traveling as a comic.  I've traveled through the Bible
Belt.  'Belt' is too narrow a word, I think.  It should be 'Bible
Cummerbund.' Or maybe 'Bible Body Cast.'  [Once] I was performing at a
comedy club and when I said I'm a lesbian, a guy in the audience yelled
out, 'Can I watch?'  I said, "Watch me what?  Fix my car?"  --Sabrina
Matthews, S.F.

"Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.
What must hell possibly be llike?  Home videos of the same reunion? ...
No, I don't worry about going to hell.  I worry about what kind of cologne
one wears in hell... Probably Eternity."  --Barry Steiger, L.A.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Sep 1997 09:41:00 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Misc. puns (not off.)

 Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
 the craft it sank.....proving once and for all that you can't have your
 kayak and heat it, too.
		*****************************

 Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.  One went to Hollywood and
 became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
 never amounted to much.  The second one, naturally, became known as the
 lesser of two weevils.
		*****************************

 A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.  He sidles up to
 the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
		*****************************

 A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
 The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
		*****************************

 Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.  One
 says to the other, "Are you all right?"  "No, I lost an electron!"  "Are
 you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
		*****************************

 Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine
 during root canal work?  He wanted to transcend dental medication!
		*****************************

 A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing
 in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about
 an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
 "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't
 stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
		*****************************

 A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
 daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would
 always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as
 the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find
 that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together
 a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came
 in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This
 isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's
 a hickory daiquiri, doc."
		*****************************

 A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to
 eat. He came across two men: one was sitting under a tree and reading a
 book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly
 pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of
 the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
		*****************************

 There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.  He sent in ten
 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
 Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
		*****************************

 A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender
 says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why?! I'm a
 fun guy!"
		*****************************

 This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his
 home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll
 just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's
 served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "What's with the
 fancy plate?" The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the
 hollandaise!"
		*****************************

 Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large
 puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side.  So... the one flies
 over and the other one swims through.  Which one gets the worm first?
 The one who swam, of course, because "Da oily boid gets da woim."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Sep 1997 07:50:44 MST7MDT
From:    Scott Collier <Colliers@STUDENT.SUU.EDU>
Subject: Catagory of virus's(off to computer viruses)

RECENT COMPUTER VIRUS INFECTIONS
Don`t get hit by one of these recently spotted infections...!


BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches
it.  (But that part will never work properly again!)

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and
then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are
getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you`re paying too
much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It
warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by
floppy.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead
refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won`t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how
old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first
see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS:   Activates every component in your system, just
before the whole damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS:   It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS:    Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS:   Terminates and stays resident.  It`ll be
back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process
without joining into a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Ther is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut
cant figyour out watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS:  Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people
really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS:  Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of
which claim to  be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS:  Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of
their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent
margin of error.)

TEXAS VIRUS:    Makes sure that it`s bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS:  Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS:  The computer locks up, screen splits erratically
with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the
problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2:   Runs every program on the hard drive
simultaneously, but doesn`t allow the user to accomplish anything.

AIRLINE VIRUS:   You`re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS:  Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own
motherboard.

PBS VIRUS:   Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS:  Your computer gets fat,  slow and lazy,  then self
destructs;  only to resurface at shopping malls, service stations and
fast  food  joints across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS:  Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS:   Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS:  Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables,  power
supply and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS:  Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS:  Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS:  Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up,
then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on
expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS:  Invades your system in places where no virus has gone
before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS:  Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong,
and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS:   It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs.... No
new files!" on the screen.  It then proceeds to fill up all the free
space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the
Congressional  Virus.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS:  Makes your 486/50 machine perform like  a
286/10 AT.

LAPD VIRUS:  It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC
and erases them in "self defense."

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS:  Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last
in the reviews, but you still love it.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS:    Claims that if you don`t send it a million
dollars, its programmer will take it back.


http://members.tripod.com/~scollier

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Sep 1997 10:29:05 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: McDonald's Top Ten (adult content)

     The Top Ten List:

         McDonald's Excuses for the Condom in a Big Mac
As presented on the 08/22 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

 10. We were test-marketing the new "McTrojan"
 
  9. Condom, condiment-what's the damn difference?

  8. It still tastes better than the "Arch Deluxe"

  7. It was either there or in the vanilla shake

  6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true

  5. We're experimenting with a new, even happier "Happy Meal"

  4. So what-a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway

  3. Employees too embarrassed to say, "Would you like condoms with that?"

  2. Drive-thru speaker broken-"Coke with lots of ice" sounded like
     "prophylactic device"

  1. When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Sep 1997 11:45:37 -0500
From:    "Rowe, Thomas" <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Humor:  How they make those foods look so good on TV

Have you wondered why your meals don't look as good as those TV ads?
Most of us know they use tricks on those ads.  Here are a few reported
by Brett Kurzweil in the HOPE health letter (posted without permission)

- Shaving cream is used instead of whipped cream

- Roasted poultry is typically shellacked to make it look good

- Nectarines can be turned into gorgeous looking fuzzy peaches by
  spritzing them with antifungal foot spray.

- Wildroot hair tonic is used on cornflakes instead of milk because the
  flakes can sit around for hours without getting soggy.

- Ice cream is typically Crisco (a vegetable lard product) mixed with
  confectionaires sugar

- Meats are held together with Krazy glue and straight pins.

Antifungal foot spray and hair tonic.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Sep 1997 14:37:59 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Fwd: Bunch of drunks

                              IT'S A MIRACLE

      Discovering too late that a watermellon spiked with vodka had
   accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local
  ministers,  the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the
  clerics' reaction.
      "Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"
      "Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping
  the seeds into their pockets."

                               6 PACK TO GO

      The six fraternity men came weaving out of a popular off
  campus bar and started to crowd themselves into the Jeep for
  the ride back to the frat house.  One of them, obviously, the
  house president, took charge of the situation.
      "Henry," he said, "you drive. You're too drunk to sing."

                           HOW DO I LOVE THEE?

      The young man was determined to win his girl that evening.  "I
  have loved you more than you will ever know," he said.
      "So I was right," she responded, slapping him across the face.
  "You did take advantage of me when I was drunk last Saturday night!"

                              CARE TO SHARE

      Two rather drunk gentlemen stood at the bar near closing time.
   "I've got an idea," said one, "let's have one more drink and then
   go and find us some girls."
      "No," replied the other one, "I've got more than I can handle at
   home."
      "Great," replied the idea man, "then let's have one more drink
  and go up to your place."

                               IT'S A LEMON

      At a cocktail party, a man got totally plastered, went up to the
   host and, in a slurred voice, asked, "Excuse me, but do lemons
  have feathers?"
      "I beg your pardon?" replied the host.
      The drunk asked again, "Do lemons have feathers?" as hestruggles
  to hold his balance.
      A rather bemused host responded, "No, I don't think so."
      The drunk sheepish said, "Oopsie."
      "What?" asked the host.
      "I think I've just squeezed your canary into my drink."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Sep 1997 15:13:05 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Writing Contest

FROM AN ACTUAL NEWSPAPER CONTEST WHERE
ENTRANTS AGE 4 TO 15 WERE ASKED TO
IMITATE "DEEP THOUGHTS BY JACK HANDEY":

My young brother asked me what happens after we die.  I told him we get
buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should
have told him the truth-that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally-but I
didn't want to upset him. -Age 10

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have
lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. -Age 5

I once heard the voice of God.  It said "Vrrrrmmmmm."  Unless it was just a
lawn mower. -Age 11

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry.  I imagine that the
wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for
some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets
more desperate, and  sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big
fire and everyone died. -Age 13

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've  found my dog.
Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his
stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. -Age 14

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I
don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on
the last day of their life? -Age 15

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday,
like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people
voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long
weekends. -Age 8

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few
minutes each day.  At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days
saved up. -Age 7

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any
old yokel vote. -Age 10

Home is where the house is. -Age 6

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is,
I used to, until she got an unlisted number. -Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No,
wait.  That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be
right there. -Age 5

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the
things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. -Age 13

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. -Age 13

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the
astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what
happens to cheese when you leave it out. -Age 6

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had
that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could
come up with! -Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe
"Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it
morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" -Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet.
So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?
-Age 15

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people
think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. -Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace
for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting
started. -Age 15

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Sep 1997 15:16:45 -0400
From:    "Narasimhan, Seshadri" <NarasimhanS@BERNSTEIN.COM>
Subject: Diana's 'killing' and Indian repercussions <off. to no one!>

 Latest from India Today,
     'You People have killed Diana, and now you are after me...'
--Rabri Devi(CM,Bihar) talking to reporters in New Delhi.

To the non-regulars, a small explanation is necessary:
Laloo is Laloo Prasad Yadav, the embattled Chief Minister of Bihar,
one of the most corrupt states in the country. He is in 'custody' having
been accused of embezzling funds from the treasury. He made his
illiterate house wife, Rabri Devi, the chief minister in his stead and
currently rules Bihar by proxy.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Sep 1997 14:33:03 -0700
From:    Larry Saunders <lsaunder@PEPPERDINE.EDU>
Subject: Wishes (poss off to old ladies and cat lovers)

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch,
reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a fairy godmother
appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.  Just then the old woman's
cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone
could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten.  With a smile that makes her knees weak, he
saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

 "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 23 Sep 1997 06:59:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Humor: Photography

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures
of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be
waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown.
Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with
his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the
pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the
air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and
make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a
photographer, and photographers take pictures."

After a long pause, the pilot replied: "You mean, you're not my
instructor?"


---
Be nice to your kids; they'll choose your nursing home!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Sep 1997 19:17:09 -0500
From:    Chaparral <NParekh@MARLIN.UTMB.EDU>
Subject: Marv Albert Joke (risque)

Heard this on the radio today:

What did Marv Albert do when NBC gave him his pink slip?
He put it on!!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Sep 1997 21:45:04 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Why you shouldn't sleep on the beach

 A guy is sunbathing in the nude and a little girl comes along, so he
 covers himself with a newspaper he is reading. The girl came up to him
 and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?" "A little
 bird," the guy says.

 The little girl walks away and starts playing not too far off. The guy
 falls asleep. Next thing the guy wakes up in a hospital in seriouse pain.
 When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't
 know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates,
 and the next thing I know is I'm here."

 Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did
 you do to that naked fellow?" After a little pause, the girl replied, "To
 him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke
 its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Sep 1997 11:18:20 -0000
From:    Stephen McCabe <bigsteve@ALLES.OR.JP>
Subject: More dyslexic humour

Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?

He lay awake at night wondering if there's really a dog.


* Dyslexics of the world, untie!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Sep 1997 09:28:21 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Love.. <clean>

 A Poem with a difference..

 He placed his hand on her shoulder but she pulled away
         He touched her hair but she turned away
 He stared at her but she looked away
         He began to talk but she walked away
 He stabbed her in the back and she passed away.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 30 Sep 1997 00:29:57 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Barn Name

We added a few sheep to the farm last month. They stay in the small barn,
which I renamed "Ewe Hall".

(If you're outside the USA, we have a major truck rental firm here called
 "U-Haul".)

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Sep 1997 22:46:18 -0700
From:    Nathen Luppino <nluppino@LINKNET.KITSAP.LIB.WA.US>
Subject: A Little Birdie <Adult Language>

        One day, in a kindergarten class, a little boy asked the teacher
if he could go to the bathroom. The class was in the middle of something
so the teacher said no. But the little boy had to go so bad that he went
into a dark corner of the room & pooped in his hand. Ashamed of what he
had done, he cupped his hands together so no one could see what he had in
his hands. The teacher noticed this & asked the boy,"What do you have in
your hand"? The child replied,"A little birdie". To this the teacher
dmanded,"Let me see him". "No you'll scare him!", said the little boy. So
she sent him through the ranks of the school, each school official
demanding to see the "birdie" & each time with the same reply; untill he
reached the principal.............
        Now he trid the sme old demanding to see but when that, of course,
didn't work he devised a new plan: Just to scare the child into letting
him see the birdie he said,"Now if you don't let me see the birdie I'll
have to call the police". Obviously frightened by this notion he opened
his hands & replied,"See, you scared the shit out of him"!

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 29 Sep 1997 to 30 Sep 1997
************************************************
