HUMOR Digest - 28 Sep 1997 to 29 Sep 1997
There are 7 messages totalling 315 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. JimJr's Fan Mail
  2. Chelsea Top Ten List
  3. F@!K: interesting and colourful word (WARNING: the "F" word)
  4. Tip for the Day -- Relationships
  5. dis..dis..oh, sod it
  6. grow up! (poss. offensive to bears)
  7. Oh the Wife .. <clean>

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Date:    Sun, 28 Sep 1997 03:52:52 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: JimJr's Fan Mail

I don't know how many other contributors receive e-mail regarding the
jokes they post on here, but I thought I'd share a few of the better
ones with y'all from what I've come to call my "fan mail":


* "I really enjoyed your one-liner's posted the other day.  They were
  in fact, excellent, were it not for their length."
                                - - - - -

* "I have yet to see any "hero" in your humor as you seem to enjoy
  ridiculing everyone.  However, should one appear, I highly recommend
  that one of his first acts be shooting the author."
                                - - - - -

* "It is my understanding that fish is brain food because of the high
  phosphorous content.  I really can't reach a decision about the
  amount you should consume.  However, assuming the jokes posted by
  you this past week are average, may I suggest you start with a few
  medium sized whales.  Not the largest, mind you, but simply some
  good middling-sized ones."
                                - - - - -

* "Every man has a few jokes in him, which is an excellent place for them."
                                - - - - -

* "Personally, I appreciate the fact that your jokes are mostly fictional
  and bear no resemblance to any person, living or dead.  But...  that's
  exactly what's wrong with them."
                                - - - - -

* And finally, from a gentleman who said he was an English Lord:
	    "My Dear Sir:
        	I read your jokes this Tuesday last.
        	Oh, my dear sir !"


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sun, 28 Sep 1997 12:59:48 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Chelsea Top Ten List

Good Things About Rooming With the President's Daughter
As presented on the 09/10/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

10. Bitchin' motorcade from history class to language lab

 9. She shows up with beer coasters hand-knit by Betsy Ross

 8. Your summer job next year: Ambassador to Belgium

 7. Secret Service guys always available to buy you beer

 6. Her care packages always include a tray of dad's "special" brownies

 5. You become fourth in line for Presidency

 4. At some point, you find yourself playing "quarters" with Ted Kennedy

 3. When ordering from Domino's, you can take advantage of the President's
    volume discount

 2. If you receive poor mark on test, you can have professor slapped
    around by Janet Reno

 1. Somehow, you're not so embarrassed about your own father.

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Date:    Sun, 28 Sep 1997 17:27:53 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: F@!K: interesting and colourful word (WARNING: the "F" word)

              How to Use FUCK as a Meaningful Word

 Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English
 language today is the word "fuck." It is the one magical word which, just
 by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language,
 "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb,
 both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by
 John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb
 (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested
 in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as
 an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm
 late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is
 easy but, fuck, she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few
 words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck."
 Aside from its sexual connotations, this word can be used to describe many
 situations:

 Aggression - Fuck you!
 Agreement - Fucking-ay right!
 Amazement - Fucking shit!
 Annoyance - Don't fuck with me.
 Apathy - Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?
 Benevolence - Don't do me any fucking favors.
 Command - Go fuck yourself!
 Confusion - What the fuck?
 Denial - I didn't fucking do it.
 Despair - Fucked again.
 Difficulty - I don't understand this fucking thing.
 Directions - Fuck off.
 Disbelief - Unfuckingbelievable!
 Dismay - Oh, fuck it!
 Displeasure - What the fuck is going on here?
 Encouragement - Keep on fucking.
 Etiquette - Pass the fucking salt!
 Fraud - I got fucked.
 Greetings - How the fuck are ya?
 Hatred of chemistry - Thermofuckingdynamics.
 Identification - Who the fuck are you?
 Ignorance - He's such a fuck head.
 Incompetence - He's a fuck up.
 Insight - You're out of your fucking mind!
 Laziness - He's a fuck off.
 Lost - Where the fuck are we?
 Panic - Let's get the fuck out of here.
 Passive - Fuck me!
 Perplexity - I fucking know all about it.
 Philosophical - Who gives a fuck?
 Pleasure - I couldn't be any fucking happier!
 Question - You ain't fucking me?
 Rebellion - Fuck the world!
 Resignation - Oh, fuck it!
 Retaliation - Up your fucking ass!
 Suspicion - Who the fuck are you?
 Trouble - I guess I'm fucked now.
 Ugliness - You're a dumb looking fuck.
 Wisdom - Fuck that shit!
 Wonder - How the fuck did you do that?

 It can be used in an anatomical description - "He's a fucking asshole."
 It can be used in business - "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
 It can be maternal - "Motherfucker."

 It can be political - "Fuck Dan Quayle!"

 It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:

 "What the fuck was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima
 "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" - General Custer
 "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" - Captain of the Titanic
 "Thats not a real fucking gun." - John Lennon
 "Who's gonna fucking find out?" - Richard Nixon
 "Heads are going to fucking roll." - Anne Boleyn
 "Let the fucking woman drive." - Commander of the "Challenger"
  What fucking map?" - Mark Thatcher
 "Any fucking idiot could understand that." - Albert Einstein
 "It does so fucking look like her!" - Picasso
 "How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras
 "You want what on the fucking ceiling?" - Michaelangelo
 "Fuck a duck." - Walt Disney
 "Why?- Because its fucking there!" - Edmund Hilary
 "I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" - Joan of Arc
 "Scattered fucking showers my ass." - Noah
 "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head."
                                            .....John F. Kennedy
 "I didn't fucking do it!" - O.J. Simpson

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 28 Sep 1997 16:16:02 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Tip for the Day -- Relationships

I forgot to tell you.  Intense discussion doesn't create two-way
intimacy.  Saying, "We need to talk about our relationship.  I think
there's a problem," might draw you closer to your boyfriend, but it
makes him _nervous_.  "Why is she talking about the relationship?" he
thinks.  "She should be talking about me!"

But if you said, "We need to talk about the refrigerator.  I think
there's a problem," he would perk right up.

Remember:

Women achieve intimacy through intense conversation.

Men achieve intimacy through making sandwiches.

Ask a guy to recall an intimate moment (other than sex), and he'll
probably answer something like, "When my girlfriend and I made Spam and
horseradish sandwiches."

Men cannot experience intimacy unless snacks are involved.  Thus, if you
want him to address the relationship, it has to be while you're making
sandwiches.

Write down what you want from the relationship on 3 x 5 cards"
"Affection," "Honesty," "Communication," whatever...  Take the 3 x 5
cards and plaster them over the labels of all your condiments, like
mayonnaise or pickle relish.

It's only a matter of time before he'll be asking concernedly, "Hey,
where's all the affection?" or "We need more commitment."

Rich Hall, Self-Help for the Bleak, Copyright 1994

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Date:    Mon, 29 Sep 1997 10:42:10 -0000
From:    Stephen McCabe <bigsteve@ALLES.OR.JP>
Subject: Re: dis..dis..oh, sod it

>Along the lines of Dr. and Demir's joke...
>Q -  What does "DNA" stand for?
>A -  National Association of Dyslectics...
>You know what their slogan is?
>Dyslexics of the World: UNTIE!!

Yes, but why is dyslexia such a bugger to spell?

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 28 Sep 1997 18:53:03 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: grow up! (poss. offensive to bears)

The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted
them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten.

She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words.  She then
asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first
little one said he went to see his Nana.

The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the
grown up word."

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo.

The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train. That's
the grown up word."

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer.
He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had
read.

He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied...
"WINNIE THE SHIT!!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 29 Sep 1997 09:35:33 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Oh the Wife .. <clean>

A farmer and his wife went to a fair.  The farmer was fascinated by the
old open cockpit airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If
you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride
will be free.  But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride.

After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate
you for not making a sound.  You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when
my wife fell out."

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End of HUMOR Digest - 28 Sep 1997 to 29 Sep 1997
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