HUMOR Digest - 27 Sep 1997 to 28 Sep 1997
There are 6 messages totalling 242 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Parrots <Foul Language (1 of 2)>
  2. The Spoken Word <some adult language>
  3. Rejected State Mottos
  4. Weird math (not off.)
  5. Ydslexia  (continued)
  6. parrot joke (foul language)

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Date:    Fri, 26 Sep 1997 23:32:38 -0700
From:    Nathen Luppino <nluppino@LINKNET.KITSAP.LIB.WA.US>
Subject: Parrots <Foul Language (1 of 2)>

        Once there was a really tough pirate on a ship & he wore a
eyepatch so everyone called him "Oneeye". One day he decided to get the
traditional pirate look, so he got a parrot. But the parrot kept
saying,"Fuck you Oneeye"! One day Oneeye got so fed up with the parrot he
finally told it, "If I hear one more word out of you I'm going to wrap
your tongue around your body & stick you in the freezer"! The parrot
said"Oh yea, fuck you Oneeye"! Well Oneeye made good on his threats.
        A few days later Oneeye opened the frezzer to find the parrot
frozen dead with a hand over one eye & his middle finger in the air.

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Date:    Sat, 27 Sep 1997 04:00:26 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Spoken Word <some adult language>

Perhaps it's time we all raised the level of our English grammar
while speaking, before no one understands a damn thing we're trying
to say.  Listed below are just a few suggestions:

* "Go" - Revert to the former meaning of travel or depart.  This habit
  of "So, I go... and then she goes..." is just absurd.  If the person
  had really left the area, further conversation would not be possible
  w/o cell phones or two-way radios.
                                - - - - -

* "Went" - (see above)
                                - - - - -

* "Was like" - How many times have we heard someone say "And she was
  like..."  Let me assure y'all the person in question remained human
  or some sub level there-of, at all times.  A simple "she said" will
  do just fine, thank you very much.
                                - - - - -

* "Hot to Trot" - Other than the long dead dance called the "Fox Trot",
  people do not trot; four legged animals do.  Say what ya mean dammit.
  The person was sexually aroused.
                                - - - - -

* "Don't breathe a word of this..." - Try as I might, I have been unable
  to reproduce human word sounds thru my nose.  I seriously doubt you
  can either.  So stick with, "Please keep this a secret..."
                                - - - - -

* "Um" "Er" or "Uh" - If the person is not in fact dictating a letter to
  a scribe, vocal punctuation is totally unnecessary.  On the other hand,
  if you've lost your train of thought, or don't know what to say next,
  simply pause.  We'll wait.
                                - - - - -

* "Ya Know ?" -  As a matter of fact, NO !  I don't know, or I wouldn't
  even bother listening to you at all.  I would really appreciate it if
  you and the rest of the sports stars explain what the hell ya mean.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sun, 21 Sep 1997 04:45:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Rejected State Mottos

>Sent From: kheebner@juno.com

Rejected State Mottos

ALABAMA:        "Literacy ain't everything"
FLORIDA:        "The Gunshine State" or "Where Republicans go to die"
DELAWARE:       "So close to Washington you can smell it"
IDAHO:          "We don't care if you spell potato with an 'e'"
IOWA:           "Just east of Omaha"
KANSAS:         "Ya want flat? We got flat"
KENTUCKY:       "Tobacco is a vegetable" or "We're all related"
MINNESOTA:      "Not Sweden, but we try to act like it"
MISSISSIPPI:    "We're lucky we can spell it"
MISSOURI:       "Gateway to Kansas"
NEBRASKA:       "Go to Kansas, turn north"
NEVADA:         "More weirdos than Alaska" or "3:5 you'll leave broke"
NEW HAMPSHIRE:  "Like Old Hampshire, only newer"
NEW JERSEY:     "Tell 'em Guido sent ya"
NEW MEXICO:     "We have reservations"
NEW YORK:       "Like we CARE about a motto"
NORTH DAKOTA:   "The OTHER South Dakota"
OKLAHOMA:       "We're OK, you're not"
OREGON:         "As pretty as California but not as weird"
RHODE ISLAND:   "Size ain't everything"
TENNESSEE:      "The Educashun State" or "A great fixer-upper"
WEST VIRGINIA:  "Where family values has a different meaning"
WISCONSIN:      "Land of funny accents" or "Say CHEESE"
WYOMING:        "Where men are lonely and sheep are scared"


---
Luxuriantly hand-crafted from only the finest ASCII.

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Date:    Sat, 27 Sep 1997 11:49:32 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Weird math (not off.)

 Three brothers check into a hotel and rent one room. the Clerk tells them
 the room is $30 for the night, so each brother contributes $10 and the
 room is paid in advance.

 About an hour after check-in the clerk discovers that he charged the
 weekend rate of $30 instead of the weekday rate of $ 25. The Clerk gives
 the bellhop $ 5.00 to return to the brothers. On the way up to the room
 the bellhop pockets $ 2.00 and returns only $ 3.00 to the Brothers.

 Now: Each Brother has paid $9.00 toward the room or $27.00 and the
      Bellhop kept $ 2.00 for a total of $ 29.00.

      What happened to the extra $ 1.00 ??

 Well nothing really. There is no extra dollar. What we have in this
 puzzle is a break in the laws of Algebra or a better way to see what
 happened is to break the money into "Givers and Receivers"

        First pass of the money:

  Receiver:                Givers:
  Hotel $30       =       Brothers $10 +10 +10 (An equal equation!)


        Second Pass of the money:

      Receivers:              Givers:
 Hotel $25 +Bhop $ 2  =       Brothers $9 + 9 + 9 (Again all even at $27)
		- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other,
"You're having an anniversary soon, right?"  The other replied,
"Yup, a big one... 20 years."

 "Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for
your anniversary?" The other replied, "We're going on a trip to
Australia."

"Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man.  "That's
going to be hard to beat.  What are you going to do for your
25th anniversary?"

"Go back and get her."

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Date:    Sat, 27 Sep 1997 12:02:28 -0400
From:    Robert Bragner <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Ydslexia  (continued)

Parker, Cindy A. said
>Along the lines of Dr. and Demir's joke...
>Q -  What does "DNA" stand for?
>A -  National Association of Dyslectics...
>You know what their slogan is?
>Dyslexics of the World: UNTIE!!

And the next line is:
You have nothing to lose but your CHINAS!

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Date:    Sat, 27 Sep 1997 21:16:46 EDT
From:    Larry Barnes <LBARNES@MUSIC.TRANSY.EDU>
Subject: parrot joke (foul language)

An elderly woman went to the pet shop. "I would like a companion,"
she announced in a stiff formal accent. "Why yes, madam, we have the
perfect parrot. Hector here has impeccable language." The woman
stared at the bird and he immediately began: "Hello, my dear. I am
pleased to make your acquaintance. And may I say you have lovely eyes."

"Why, what a well-behaved bird. I'll take him home."

That week went well, as he continued to repeat tasteful phrases he had
learned from the store, and to compliment her on her appearance. "I
can't wait to show you off to my bridge club!" On Thursday, her three
partners arrived one by one. She had taken great pains to teach him all
their names. When the first arrived, he suddenly gave a whistle and said
"HEY, GERTIE, GREAT TITS!" The owner was mortified and grabbed the bird,
sticking him quickly into the refrigerator! After five minutes she retur
ned him to the perch. He slowly opened one eye, shivvering, and tried
to warm up. When the second lady arrived, sure enough:
"HIYA, BETTY, YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE FAT ASS, EH?" The owner could
handle no more. Back into the refrigerator he went, and she took no
chances with guest #3. But she forgot about the bird, and poor Hector
was left for three hours in the cold.

Her guests departed, and she went to the kitchen to make dinner. The
bird!! "Omigosh, poor Hector!" The parrot was near death as she gingerly
placed him back on the perch. Hector slowly opened one eye, then the
other, as the owner prepared her meal, taking a chicken from the
freezer, turning the oven to 400 degrees and placing the bird inside.

"HOLY SHIT!" said the parrot out of a corner of his still frozen mouth.
"I wonder what the fuck HE said!!"

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End of HUMOR Digest - 27 Sep 1997 to 28 Sep 1997
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