HUMOR Digest - 26 Sep 1997 to 27 Sep 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 406 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Men Talk <adult humor>
  2. Eyesight <practically clean>
  3. Flowers!
  4. Age Happens
  5. This sounds like an Engineer's Way to Fix a Problem <poss. off. to dog
     lovers>
  6. ten speed and the corvette
  7. A Poem for Moms and Dads
  8. Deoxyribonucleic... <off. to dyslectics>
  9. Airplane Politics
 10. Another Dyslexic gag <off. to dyslexics>
 11. Shit<nasty>
 12. Another darwinian selection (clean)

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Date:    Fri, 26 Sep 1997 04:06:27 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Men Talk <adult humor>

*   "You say she went down on you just for some grocery store food
  coupons ?  Unbelievable."
    "Yes, that's correct."
    "But how good could a girl like that be at giving head ?"
    "Well, nominal face value I suppose."
                                - - - - -

*   "Boy !  What a fox !!!" said Larry, sitting at the bar, staring
  at the girl who'd just walked in.
    "Now just a minute." said his friend.  "That same girl, wearing
  the same outfit came in here last nite and you said she was a dog."
    "Yeah, but last nite, I'd only had one beer when she came in."
                                - - - - -

*   The freshmen was apprehensive as he entered the door to attend his
  first frat orgy.  "I tell ya, I've never been to anything like this
  before." he said to his frat brother.  "I don't know what to do."
    "Relax." said the upper-classman.  "It's just like any other social
  event or party you've been to; except instead of mixing, you stir."
                                - - - - -

*   "I yearn for the good old days," said the man sitting at his desk
  buried in paperwork, "when a man used to get ahead because of hard
  work and ambition."
    "Yeah." agreed the fellow at the next desk.  "Those and sucking up
  to the boss."
                                - - - - -

*   Two dirty old men were comparing notes.  "What's up ?" asked one,
  "I haven't seen you lurking around the playground lately."
    "Well, to be honest, I've been spending time in one of the parks
  across town;" was the grinning reply. "where there's the most
  delightful little girl I've ever met."
    "What age ?" asked his friend.
    "Well, actually she's 15, but she has the body of a 12 year old."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 26 Sep 1997 10:54:00 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Eyesight <practically clean>

Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Madam:  I think so, too. This is a brothel.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 26 Sep 1997 07:42:18 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Flowers!

 Two women went to the dock to meet their returning fishermen husbands
 after a several week trip to sea. They see their men approaching from the
 gang plank and see one of the husbands carrying an armful of nice cut
 flowers!  Ah, that husband of yours is so romantic... bringing you
 flowers like that. Oh don`t be fooled replies the other woman , I know
 what this means .....I`ll be a couple days on my back with my legs
 spread!! Geeez says the other woman ... Don`t you have a vase ??

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 26 Sep 1997 09:12:59 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Age Happens

- A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down
  by his doctor instead of by the police.
- Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one
  that will get you home earlier.
- You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the
  only thing you care to exercise.
- I don't date women my age.  There aren't any.  (Milton Berle)
- My grandmother's 90; she's dating a man 93.  They never argue:
  they can't hear each other.
- As an 80-year-od woman, I only hear "woo woo" when I'm riding in
  an ambulance.
- At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a
  laxative.
- I have my 87th birthday coming up, and people ask me what I'd most
  appreciate getting.  I tell them:  a paternity suit.  (George Burns)
- I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life.
  In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
  (Rodney Dangerfield)
- As I grow older and older, And totter toward the tomb, I find that I
  care less and less, Who goes to bed with whom.  (Dorothy Sayers)
- Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will
  avoid you.
- Be nice to your children, for they will choose your rest home.
  (Phyllis Diller)
- The longer I live, the less future there is to worry about.
- Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us
  that it is not.
- Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.
- My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.  (Woody Allen)
- Despite the cost of living, it's still quite popular.
- The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book,
  your library card has expired.  (M. Berle)
- Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you've made it again.
- If you're old enough to know better, you're too old to do it.
- I won't admit I'm more than 52, even if that does make my children
  illegitimate.
- As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I
  ever did.  (Robert Benchley)
- The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way thru
  Congress.
- As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns: the less and
  less we feel our oats, the more we feel our corns.
- I have everything I had 20 yrs. ago, only it's all a little bit lower.
  (Gypsy Rose Lee)
- Time wounds all heels.
- Take care of your knees; you'll miss them when they're gone. 
  (Schwartzkofph)
- You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the
  parking lot.
- You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get
  it started.
- You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert
  bracelet.
- You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't
  know till the 4th of July.
- You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you
  don't have to go along.
- You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and
  you didn't do anything the night before.
- I'm getting just like my great-grandchildren -- wearing diapers and using
  a walker.
- The cardiologist's diet:  if it tastes good, spit it out.
- Doctor to patient:  I have good news and bad news:  the good news is that
  you are not a hypochondriac.
- My grandmother is 80 & doesn't need glasses: she drinks right out of a
  bottle.
- It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything
- My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One
  day he took me aside and left me there.
- I'm so old that bartenders check my pulse instead of my ID.
- You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
- Anyone can get old.  All you have to do is live long enough.
  (Groucho Marx)
- There's one advantage to being 102:  no peer pressure.  (Dennis Wolfberg)
- Death is not the end; there remains the litigation over the estate.
- What!  You've been keeping records on me?  I wasn't so bad!  How many
  times did I take the Lord's name in vain?  A million and six?
  Jesus Ch----!  (Steve Martin)
- It costs me never a stab nor squirm,  To tread by chance upon a worm.
  "Aha, my little dear", I say, "Your clan will pay me back one day".
   (Dorothy Parker)
- They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me
  sad to realize I'm going to miss mine by just a few days. (Garrison Keiller)
- My uncle reads the obits every day.  He can't understand how people
  always die in alphabetical order.
- Last Will and Testament:  Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
- Big deal!   I'm used to dust!  (Erma Bombeck's requested gravestone
  epitaph)

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 26 Sep 1997 10:02:55 -0500
From:    TC Mangan <mangan@BROKER.COM>
Subject: This sounds like an Engineer's Way to Fix a Problem <poss. off. to dog
         lovers>

It's common practice in England to ring a telephone by sending
extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground
(earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches
to the two wire circuit for the conversation. This method allows two
parties on the same line to be signaled without disturbing each other.
Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few
occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first. The telephone
repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed
the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring. He tried again.  The dog
barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
 a.  The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via
     an iron chain and collar..
 b.  The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current.
 c.  After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and
     urinating on the ground..
 d.  The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone
     would ring..
Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them.
But only temporarily..

(Thanks to Michael for passing this on to me)

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 26 Sep 1997 11:09:07 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: ten speed and the corvette

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to
Flagstaff.  He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just
became too much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to
stop.  Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride.  Of
course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car.  The owner of the Corvette found
a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper.  He tied
the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going to
fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles.  Suddenly, another Corvette
blew past them.  Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off
after the other.  A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both
going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.  The police officer
noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that
he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph.

He then relayed, "and your not going to believe this, there's a guy on a
10 speed bike honking to pass".

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 21 Sep 1997 12:03:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: A Poem for Moms and Dads

>Sent From: janinelove@juno.com


Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)

Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--
I must have lost them long ago!

(Author unknown)


---
486DX2/666: The CPU that's damned fast.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 26 Sep 1997 21:06:19 +0000
From:    "Dr. And Demir" <and.demir@KIDSCLINIC.INET.FI>
Subject: Deoxyribonucleic... <off. to dyslectics>

Q -  What does "DNA" stand for?
A -  National Association of Dyslectics...

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 26 Sep 1997 12:35:54 -0700
From:    Larry Saunders <lsaunder@PEPPERDINE.EDU>
Subject: Airplane Politics

Bill Clinton, Bob Dole, and Ross Perot are on a long flight in Air Force
One.

Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says "I'm going to throw this $100 bill out
and make someone down below happy."

Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, "If that was my $100 bill, I would
split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy."

Of course Clinton  doesn't want these two candidates to outdo him, so he
chimes in, "I would instead take 100 $1 bills and throw them out to make
100 people just a little happier."

At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't
stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you
out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."

--
Larry K. Saunders
Systems & Instructional Technologist
The Graziadio School of Business and Management
Pepperdine University

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 26 Sep 1997 11:29:00 -0700
From:    "Parker, Cindy A." <WMWICAP@ARIES.76PRODUCTS.COM>
Subject: Another Dyslexic gag <off. to dyslexics>

Along the lines of Dr. and Demir's joke...

You know what their slogan is?

Dyslexics of the World: UNTIE!!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 26 Sep 1997 20:10:53 -0400
From:    Greg Farrow <GFarrow84@AOL.COM>
Subject: Shit<nasty>

There was a man that really had to take a shit, so he goes into a nearby bar
and asks the bartender where the bathrooms are.  The bartender says, "to go
up the stairs and it is the 2nd door on the right".  So the man goes up
stairs and can't find the bathrooms anywhere, he looked in every door there
was.  He really really had to take a shit by that time, so he sees a whole on
the floor and he decides to take a shit in it.  So he goes ahead and does his
business.  After he is relieved himself he goes back donwstairs and notices
there is nobody in the bar.  He asks the bartender, "where did everybody go".
 And the bartender replies, " Where were you when the shit hit the fan"?

Source: Unknown

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 27 Sep 1997 00:30:09 -0400
From:    Thomas Wideman <TWideman@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: Another darwinian selection (clean)

Our company recently changed our preferred hotel in Jackson, Mississippi
due to a "security problem."  We heard there had been a shooting.  As the
story emerged, it seemed a perfect candidate for the Darwin Award.

It seems a guest, as he was getting into his car, was approached by two
armed men who demanded his wallet.  He handed it to them, but dropped it
as they took it.  When they bent down to pick it up, the victim reached
under the seat and pulled out a gun, at which time he shot one assailant
dead and, if memory serves, wounded the other.

The best part of the story follows:  the victim was an off-duty police
officer, who was staying at the hotel for the sole purpose of attending
a marksmanship conference or competition with many, many other police
officers at the hotel -- a bad choice of locations to hold up the guests.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Sep 1997 to 27 Sep 1997
************************************************
