HUMOR Digest - 24 Sep 1997 to 25 Sep 1997
There are 7 messages totalling 311 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Progress (?)
  2. Di Joke (Sick)
  3. Boarding <May be off. to religious people>
  4. Weird math (not off.)
  5. Only in america!
  6. How bad we had it in the old days
  7. Subject: Dentures & Almonds (clean, off to catholics and people with
     dentures)

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Date:    Wed, 24 Sep 1997 02:48:56 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Progress (?)

* For those of you anxiously awaiting the year 2000, remember there's
  a down side too -- for example, Brigitte Bardot will be 70, Elizabeth
  Taylor will be 68 and Cheryl Tiegs will be 53 -- I mean even Madonna
  will be 42.  For men of my generation, that's damn depressing.
                                - - - - -

* There comes a time when we may just have too damn many phones in the
  house.  I called my daughter the other day, and almost simultaneously
  three people answered the phone.  I heard three different voices say,
  "I've got it !"  And then, three clicks as three people all hung up.
                                - - - - -

* I was sitting at the dinner table the other nite staring into space,
  and Mrs. JimJr asked what was wrong.  I replied, "Just think, someone
  somewhere is putting my name on an e-mail spam list right now."
                                - - - - -

* For those of you not up on the latest military hardware, the US Air
  Force has stopped testing its new anti-anti-missile-missile-missile.
  It seems the damn thing keeps shooting itself down.
                                - - - - -

* Here in rural Howard County, we still have some old fashioned grocery
  stores.  Well, almost.  I noticed one the other week had posted a new
  sign on the door: "Caution !  Not an Automatic Door".
                                - - - - -

* Can't you just see the Mothers of the future getting their kid ready
  for school ?  I mean what's a Mother for unless its to check the kid's
  retros, pack his drogue chute and check his oxygen supply.
                                - - - - -

* Two men were waiting for a transit bus for quite some time.  One turned
  to the other and said, "Just think; even the MIR has been all the way
  around the Earth, and we're still standing here... waiting."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Wed, 24 Sep 1997 09:09:55 +0100
From:    Joe Clark <smooth@BIOCH.OX.AC.UK>
Subject: Di Joke (Sick)

Recent vandelism at a public toilet changed the sign

     DISABLED
     TOILET

to

     DI  BLED
      OIL

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Date:    Wed, 24 Sep 1997 11:31:22 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Boarding <May be off. to religious people>

Jesus walks into a hotel, goes to the reception, puts two wooden
boards and three nails on the desk and asks: "Can you put me up for
the night?"

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Date:    Wed, 24 Sep 1997 08:27:42 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Weird math (not off.)

 This is a weird math thing !

 Work it out as you read. Don't read the bottom until you have worked it
 out. (For those of you who are not math wizards, you might need a
 calculator)

 1. First  of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to
    have sex.

 2. Multiply this number by 2.

 3. Add 5.

 4. Multiply it by 50.

 5. If you have  already had your birthday this year, add 1747. If you
    haven't, add 1746.

 6. Last step: subtract the four digit year that you were born.


 RESULTS:

 You  should  now  have a three digit number:  the first digit of this
 was your original  number  (I.e.  how  many  times you want to have sex
 each week). The second two digits are your age!!! It really  works. If it
 didn't the first time, try again! this is the only  year it will ever
 work!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 24 Sep 1997 09:58:45 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Only in america!

  Academe Today's DAILY REPORT
  for subscribers of The Chronicle of Higher Education
  _________________________________________________________________
  Here are news bulletins from The Chronicle of Higher Education
  for Wednesday, September 24.

  *  A RETIRED Portland State University library employee admitted
     last week that she had embezzled more than $221,000 from the
     institution. But her lawyer asked a judge for leniency
     because his client had paid it all back -- by losing the
     money in video-poker machines that provide revenue to the
     Oregon government.

  Copyright (c) 1997 The Chronicle of Higher Education, Inc.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 24 Sep 1997 14:02:12 -0400
From:    Michael Pollak <mpollak@PANIX.COM>
Subject: How bad we had it in the old days

Sunday, August 17, 1997; Page F02
The Washington Post

Report from Week 228, in which you were asked to tell Gen Xers how much
harder you had it in the old days:

Second Runner-Up:
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter
we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.
			(Bill Flavin, Alexandria)

First Runner-Up:
In my day we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff.
No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s
always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle
down with something like quarters, which we never had because our
allowances were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and
end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we
couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those
crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in
those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today.
			(Russell Beland, Springfield)

And the winner of the velour bicentennial poster:
In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and
wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.
			(Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Honorable Mentions:
In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my
beloved paper clip. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

In my day, attitudes were different. For example, women didn't like
sex. At least that is what they told me. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

When I was your age, we didn't have fake doggie-do. We only had real
doggie-do, and no one thought it was a damn bit funny. (Brendan
Bassett, Columbia)

Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited
about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon. (Russell
Beland, Springfield)

In my day, we didn't have days. There was only "time for work," "time
for prayer" and "time for sleep." The sheriff would go around and tell
everyone when to change. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

In my day, people could only dream of hitchhiking a ride on a comet.
(David Ronka, Charlottesville)

In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition
on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.
(Jon Patrick Smith, Washington)

In my day, we didn't have mouses to move the cursor around.  We only
had the arrows, and if the up arrow was broken and you needed to get to
the top of the screen, well, you just hit the left arrow a thousand
times, dadgummit. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)

In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice
saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if
your hand was sticking out it scraped along the tunnel all the damn way
to the Silver Spring station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But
the base fare was only a dollar.  (Russell Beland, Springfield)

In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own
hydrogen and oxygen atoms. (Diana Hugue, Bowie)
In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did ... (Peg
Sheeran, Vienna)

Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun
revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a
giant tortoise. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

In my day, we wore our pants up around our armpits.  Monstrous wedgies,
but we looked snappy. (Bruce Evans, Washington)

In the old days, nobody asked you to sign petitions. The sheriff just
came to your house and told you you was part of a posse.  (Barry
Blyveis, Columbia)

Back in my day, "60 Minutes" wasn't just a bunch of gray-haired liberal
80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired liberal 60-year-old
guys. (Russell Beland, Springfield, and Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)

In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback
barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you
could outrun him. (Sarah M. Wolford, Hanover)

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 24 Sep 1997 14:49:24 -0400
From:    Brenda Jaleel <opus.2@SYMPATICO.CA>
Subject: Subject: Dentures & Almonds (clean,
         off to catholics and people with dentures)

As told by a bus driver on Kangaroo Island

There are four catholic churches on this island.

A couple of years ago one of the catholic priests wanted to be with his
dying mother for Xmas, and as the Xmas service is fairly important to
catholics the other priest, Father Flannigan, planned to conduct the
four services instead of the normal two. He did this by notifying the
congregations that the services in the four main towns on the island
would be at 8am in Kingscote, 10am in Parndana, 12.30pm in Americqn
River and 2.30pm in Pennishaw.

On Xmas morning he rose at 6am and prepared his Xmas message, left at
7am for Kingscote, put out the hymn books, set the candles, laid out the
collection plates and welcomed the congregation at 8am.

At the completion of the service he picked up the hymn books, packed the
candles and collection plates and loaded them in his small car and
headed for Parndana where he , put out the hymn books, set the candles,
laid out the collection plates and welcomed the congregation at 10am.

At the completion of the service he picked up the hymn books, packed the
candles and collection plates and loaded them in his small car and
headed for American River where he  put out the hymn books, set the
candles, laid out the collection plates and welcomed the congregation at
12.30pm.

At the completion of the service he picked up the hymn books, packed the
candles and collection plates and loaded them in his small car and
headed for Pennishaw where he put out the hymn books, set the candles,
laid out the collection plates and welcomed the congregation at 2.30pm.

He noticed that Mrs Murphy, the old organist was not present. He was
told that Mrs Murphy had been poorly lately, so after the service he
picked up the hymn books, packed the candles and collection plates and
loaded them in his small car and headed for Mrs Murphy's home some few
miles towards Cape Willoughby.

It was about 4pm when Mrs Murphy greeted him at the door of her home
where she told him that she was not very sick - just tired - and would
be OK  in a few days.

She invited Father Flannigan in for a cup of tea where she laid out the
tea service and a bowl of almonds.

Father Flannigan had not eaten all day and it was with a shock that he
realised that he had consumed nearly all the almonds. He apologized and
pushed the few remaining almonds towards Mrs Murphy.

She said "Oh! I never eat them."

Father Flannigan said "Why."

She said "When Murphy and I were married, his mother gave us both a
wedding present - a full set of dentures."

Seeing the good priest's amazement she went on "That is not so strange,
here, on this island. In those days there was only one ferry a week to
the mainland, on Friday.  Living as we do a fair way from the ferry, it
would be very difficult if we were to get toothache on say Thursday
because we could not get to the ferry before it left on Friday. We would
have to wait till next Friday, have the tooth cared for on the following
Monday then stay on the mainland till the following Friday to return
home. You will agree that that would be very difficult."

Father Flannigan nodded slowly then observed, "If you can't eat almonds
because of your dentures, why do you buy them?"

Mrs Murphy replied, "I don't. My nephew gives me a present every Xmas -
a large box of chocolate coated almonds."

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End of HUMOR Digest - 24 Sep 1997 to 25 Sep 1997
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