HUMOR Digest - 23 Sep 1997 to 24 Sep 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 521 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Time Marches On (?)
  2. Lightbulb Q&A  <clean>
  3. Marriage Cooperation <off. to married women>
  4. Top 20 Ways to Annoy the Radio DJ
  5. Stupid & Stupider (inoff)
  6. Joke
  7. Realization: Some quick doctor jokes (some are adult)
  8. Dieter's Guide <ADULT>
  9. Gestures: May be offensive in some cultures
 10. Squaring Up <clean>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 23 Sep 1997 03:40:53 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Time Marches On (?)

* The latest edition of the Boy Scout Handbook contains instructions
  on how to cook pancakes over an open fire.  It begins with, "Make
  the pancake batter according to the instructions on the box."
                                - - - - -

* A document found in Italy dated 1271, among other things, condemns
  the youth of that day for promiscuity, feminism, coddling criminals,
  and above all, for being obsessed with making money.
             (Source: New York Times News Service, 9/21/97)
                                - - - - -

* In spite of all of today's modern technology, adolescence remains that
  period of time in a young man's life where he refuses to believe that
  some day he'll be just as dumb as his Father.
                                - - - - -

* Teenage girl to boyfriend: "One would never realize it by dating
  you, but American teenagers spend over 14 billion dollars a year
  just on entertainment."
                                - - - - -

*   There was a time when all country girls knew about horses.  At a
  recent show at the FairGrounds in Howard County Maryland, the lady
  organizing the event fell ill, and asked a young Yuppette to stand
  in for her.
    On the day of the show, she received a call from a man who had
  entered several horses.  "I know this is for charity," he said
  apologetically, "but I will have to ask you to scratch one of my
  horses for me."
    "Surely," perked the lil' Yuppette, "which one and where ?"
                                - - - - -

* Last year in October, there was a rather interesting listing in the
  TV program schedule section of the newspaper here.  The schedule said:
  "1:00 - Back to God (If no World Series game)"


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 23 Sep 1997 12:18:23 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Lightbulb Q&A  <clean>

Q. How many sorcerers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Depends. Change into what?

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 23 Sep 1997 06:19:10 -0400
From:    Charles Tidwell <ctidwell@SOUTHERN.EDU>
Subject: Marriage Cooperation <off. to married women>

         A conscientious father was advising his son, who was about to
be married: "Cooperation is the foundation of a successful marriage.
You must do things together.  For instance, if your wife wants to go
for a walk, go for a walk with her.  If she wants to go to the movies,
go to the movies with her.  If she wants to do the dishes, do the dishes
with her."
        The son listened dutifully and then asked, "Suppose she wants to
mop the floor."
        "Then mop the floor with her!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 23 Sep 1997 08:18:48 -0400
From:    John Doe #1 <kglaze@PEACHNET.CAMPUS.MCI.NET>
Subject: Top 20 Ways to Annoy the Radio DJ

From: Emily Dehl

Top 20 Ways to Annoy the Radio DJ
By Emily Dehl

1. Call in when you know a contest _isn't_ on and say "Did I win? Did I
   win?" very excitedly. Then make the deejay feel guilty when he tells
   you you called at the wrong time.
2. Same as above, but do it after they already have a winner.
3. Call in and request the same song every two minutes.
4. Every time he puts you on live, call him queer. (works well on talk radio)
5. Or if he's really queer in real life, try to convince him to become
   straight. Try Biblical reasons.
6. Call in and tell bad jokes and laugh hysterically. Snort.
7. Record part of the show and scramble, staticize (put static in), speed
   up, slow it down, do whatever you can think of to it, then send it to the
   station's e-mail address. (my fave station: 98.9, WHTS, e-mail
   whts@qconline.com. they can take a joke!)
8. Call in responses to radio ads to the request line. Example:
   You: "I'm calling to respond to Jewel-Osco's sale on feather boas.
         I'm sure they'll go fast, so could you save one for me?"
         Act really clueless and ask the DJ to find the store's phone
         number for you.
9. Call and ask for condoms.
10. If they don't play your request right away, call back and cuss them out.
11. If they respond in kind, threaten to sue.
12. Call and say that the current song offends you and ask them to please
    take it off the air RIGHT NOW.
13. IF one of the prizes is from a "prize vault" ask for the most unlikely,
    outrageous thing you can think of.
14. Throw a tantrum if you win a CD you didn't want that much.
15. Call in and request obscure songs.
16. Or request the last song they played.
17. Offer a bribe to the deejay after you've lost a contest.
18. Organize a protest outside the studio. Make it a subject having
    absolutely nothing to do with the station.
19. Call in and act like you've fallen madly in love with the deejay.
20. Request a song completely out of the station's type of music, i.e. if
    it's a rock station, request a country song. Act stunned that the deejay
    never hear it. Start singing in an effort to help him recognize it.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 23 Sep 1997 01:13:31 -0700
From:    Larry Saunders <lsaunder@PEPPERDINE.EDU>
Subject: Stupid & Stupider (inoff)

Guy buys brand new Grand Cherokee for $30,000+ and has $400+ monthly
payments.  He immediately gets ahold of his friend and they go do some male
bonding.  They go duck hunting, and of course,all the lakes are frozen.
These 2  go to the lake with the guns,the dog, the beer and of course the
new vehicle.  They drive out onto the,lake ice and get ready.

Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks,
something for the decoys to float on. Remember, it's all ice and in order
to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck wants
to fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an
ice hole drill.

Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a
short, 40 second fuse.  Now these 2 Rocket Scientists do take into
consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a
location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee),
they take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning
fuse and possibly going up in smoke with the resulting blast.  So, they
decide to light this 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite, which is what
they end up doing.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the
beer, the guns AND THE DOG????  Yes, the dog.  A highly trained Black Lab
used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice,
gets the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the time
it hits the ice, all to the woes of the 2 idiots yelling,stomping, waving
arms and wondering what the heck to do now.

The dog, well, it is happy and heads back from where it came from moments
before,  with the stick of dynamite, only to the mounting woes of the 2
bozos now really waving their arms, yelling even louder and jumping to new
heights than ever before.

Now one of the guys decides to think, something that he has never done
before this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog.  The shotgun is
loaded with #8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab on its
appointed rounds. Dog stops for a moment, slightly confused and continues
on.  Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really
confused & of course scared, thinking these 2 Nobel Prize winners have gone
insane drops the stick of dynamite with the now really short fuse (which
promptly rolls under the new Grand Cherokee) and takes off for safer places.

BOOM !  The brand new Grand Cherokee sinks to the bottom of the lake
leaving the 2 candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing
there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company which tells him
that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered.

He had yet to make the first of those 400+ a month payments."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 23 Sep 1997 14:50:20 -0400
From:    Greg Farrow <GFarrow84@AOL.COM>
Subject: Joke

There were two twins, Joe and John.  Joe was the owner of an old
dilapidated boat.  It just so happened that John's wife died the
same day Joe's boat sank.

A few days later a kindly old woman saw Joe, and mistaking him
for John, said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss.  You must feel
terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said "Fact is, I'm
sort of glad to be rid of her.  She was a rotten old thing from
the beginning.  Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled
like an old dead fish, and she was always losing her water.  She
had a bad crack in the back, and a pretty big hole in the front,
too.  Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked
like crazy.  I guess what finally finished her off was when I
rented her to these four guys looking for a good time.  I warned
them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her
anyhow.  The fools all tried to get in her at once and she split
right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.

Source: unknown

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 23 Sep 1997 16:58:03 -0500
From:    Real iz ation <realization@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Realization: Some quick doctor jokes (some are adult)

~A guy goes to the psychiatrist. "Doctor," says the guy, "I feel as if
 I'm two different people! Two totally different personalities. Do you
 think I need help? Can you help me? Am I doing the right thing seeing a
 psychiatrist?"
        "Whoah!" says the doc. "One at a time."

~A woman goes to the doctor. After examining the woman thoroughly, the
 doctor is perplexed.
        "I'm not sure what it is," the doctor says. "You either have a
 bad cold or you're pregnant."
        "Oh," says the woman, "I must be pregnant--I don't know anyone
 who could have given me a cold."

~A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "I'm in love with my horse," says the guy.
 "I desire my horse!"
        "I see," says the shrink. "What kind of horse is it? Male or
 female?"
        "Female of course! Do I look like some sort of pervert?"

~A guy goes to the doctor for his physical. He takes off all his clothes.
        The doctor is stunned. "Jeez, man, you've got three male organs!"
        The guy's a little sheepish. "I know."
        "How do your pants fit?"
        "Like a glove!"

~A guy goes to the doctor. "My wife and I just can't seem to complete the
 sex act. We've tried and tried."
        "You're putting too much pressure on yourself," says the doctor.
 "You need to relax and just let it happen. Just forget about it until you
 feel the urge. Then, no matter what you're doing, sweep it aside and make
 love."
        "Okay, Doc."
        Two weeks later the doctor sees the guy at the mall.
        "Did my advice work for you?" asks the doctor.
        "Oh, yes, Doctor. Wonderfully. Last week, at dinner, my wide and
 I reached for the salad at the same time and our hands touched. There was
 this electricity. So, we swept the salad aside, stripped off our clothes
 and we made love right there on the table. It was glorious!"
        "That's wonderful," says the doctor.
        "Of course, we can never go back to Perkins again."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 19 Sep 1997 16:54:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Dieter's Guide <ADULT>

Sent From: Daniel Chenault

*WARNING: Contains explicit sexual references!

                     THE DIETER'S GUIDE TO
                     WEIGHT LOSS DURING SEX
                     ======================

 ACTIVITY     CALORIES BURNED      ACTIVITY     CALORIES BURNED
----------------------------------------------------------------


REMOVING CLOTHES:                 ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE:
With partner's consent.....12     Shoes flew off...............35
Without partner's consent.187     Expression didn't change....1/2
                                  Orchestra swelled.............6
UNHOOKING BRA:                    Birds sang
Using two calm hands........7       Large birds.................7
Using one trembling hand...36       Small birds.................3
                                    Earth moved................30

Lifting partner............15     PULLING OUT:
Dragging partner on floor..16     After orgasm................1/2
Using skateboard............3     A few moments before orgasm.500

ACHIEVING ERECTIONS:              PENIS ENVY:
For normal healthy man....2.5     For woman.....................3
Losing erection............14     For men......................72
Searching for it..........115
                                  GUILT:
PUTTING ON CONDOM:                Despite no formal training,
With erection.............1.5     orgasm comes easily..........53
Without erection..........300     You're enjoying sex,despite the
                                  fact that other people are
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM:              starving......................2
If the woman who does it is       Sex on your lunch hour........3
Experienced.................6     Putting it on expense account..
Inexperienced..............73                                  20
If a man does it..........680     AGGRAVATION:
Add (5) calories for retrieving   Partner keeps showing plants..5
it from across the room.          Partner insists on cuddling the
                                  dog during foreplay..........14

ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY:         Partner visiting bathroom for
Italian- Man on top,woman in      7th time.....................10
kitchen....................26     Partner taking phone calls....7
Russian- Woman on bottom,         Partner making phone calls...40
Man getting permission.....55
American- Both on top......60     GETTING CAUGHT:
                                  By partner's spouse..........60
SIDE EFFECTS INTERCOURSE:         By your spouse..............100
Bouncing....................7     Trying to explain............55
Sliding around..............9     Trying to remain calm.......100
Serious skidding...........12     Leaping out of bed...........75
Whiplash...................27     Getting dressed in one
                                  motion......................500
                                  Thanking partner quickly......2
ORGASM:
Real.......................27
Faked.....................160


---
3 stages of sex: Tri-weekly, try weekly, & try weakly.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 24 Sep 1997 00:23:22 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: Gestures: May be offensive in some cultures

Some Gestures used in Religious and Occult Practices:
(Note: those marked with a (*) are considered obscene in some cultures).

Fig (Manus Obscaena), Fist, Thumb between 1st & 2nd finger*.
                      A sign of Good Luck, used to ward off Evil.
                      An insult based on the female genitalia.
                      A symbol of the Goddess.  Used by some Pagans
                      specifically to invoke ot represent the Goddess.
Fig (Manus Obscaena), Fist, Thumb between 2nd & 3rd fingers*.
                      A variant of the above
Fist, Palm Up
Fist, Palm Down
Fist, Thumb Extended          An ancient gesture used for anointing.
Fist, 1st finger Extended
Fist, 1st& 2nd fingers Extended*
                              "Victory","Peace"  An insulting
                              suggestion that the object should
                              engage in sexual intercourse (as the
                              recipient?)
Fist, 2d finger Extended*
                              A phallic gesture.  An insulting
                              suggestion that the object should
                              engage in sexual intercourse (as the
                              recipient?)  Arguably a gesture to
                              deflect the effects of the Evil Eye.
Fist, 4th finger Extended*
                              A phallic gesture.  An insulting
                              suggestion that the object should
                              engage in sexual intercourse (as the
                              recipient?)
Fist, Palm forward, 1st & 2d fingers extended, 3rd & 4th curled
    under thumb
                              "Benediction"
Fist, Palm forward, Thumb and 2d fingers extended
                              Used to invoke the reproductive
                              presence of the God
Fingers Crossed               Ceremonial blockage of evil
                              influences.
Horned (Manu Cornuta), 1st & 4th fingers extended*
                              Horned God.  Used to invoke the
                              presence of The God.
                              An insulting suggestion that the
                              object should engage in sexual
                              intercourse (as the recipient?).
Horned (Manu Cornuta), 1st & 4th fingers extended and crooked
                              Texas A&M Longhorns
Horned (Manu Cornuta), 1st & 4th fingers extended, Palm Down
                              Protection from the Evil Eye.
Horned (Manu Cornuta), Thumb & 4th fingers extended
                              Moon Goddess.  Used specifically to
                              invoke the Lunar Goddess or the
                              female reproductive Cycle.
Horned (Manu Cornuta), Thumb, 1st & 4th fingers extended*
                              Allegedly satanic, but more often
                              means "I'm just to cool for
                              words..."
Open Hand, Palm Forward
Open Hand, Palm Forward, Thumb curled in, 1-4 fingers extended,
Open Hand, Palm Forward, Thumb curled in, 1-4 fingers extended,
   Parted in a V shape.
                              "Taal". Prayer.
Open Hand, Palm Forward, Thumb curled in touching #4 finger, 2-3
   fingers extended
Open Hand, Palm Rearward
Open Hand, Palm to Side       Blessing
Open Hand, Palm Up            Supplication?
Open Hand, Palm Down
Ring, thumb and 1st finger touching, 2nd - 4th fingers extended
                               "O.K.".  Blessing.
                              From the moment of the consecration
                              of the Host to the point after the
                              Communion when the Priest can again
                              purify his fingers over the Chalice,
                              the Celebrant holds his thumb and
                              index finger closed together, taking
                              care to not touch anything with the
                              same fingers that have touched the
                              sacred Host and the consecrated
                              Chalice.
Arms crossed in front of chest "God Position" or "Making a
                              Pentagram" or even "Skull and
                              crossed bones" (in some cases this
                              is the "Goddess Position").
Arms held up at shoulder level
                              During the Collect, and while saying
                              other prayers during the Mass the
                              Celebrant keeps his hands lifted and
                              extended in imitation of the
                              Prophets of the Old Testament who
                              were directed by God to Pray in this
                              fashion
Arms over head in a deep U shape.
                              "Goddess Position" (in some cases
                              this is the "God" position)
Arms stretched out at sides, shoulder level.
                              "The Dying God"
Arms stretched out downwards at sides
Arms stretched out in front, shoulder level.
=========================

During the reading from the Epistle, the Celebrant may rest his
hands upon the Missal stand to exemplify his "holding on" to the
teachings contained in the inspired text he is reading.

During the Gospel, the deep bow indicates the Church's respect for
the words of Jesus Christ.

During the Offering of the Bread, the sign of the Cross, to
indicate once more that the sacrifice to be offered at the altar is
the same as that offered on the Cross on Calvary.

There are a number of places where the Celebrant makes the signs of
the Cross over the host and wine, including five at once
representing the five wounds of Christ.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 24 Sep 1997 09:38:00 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Squaring Up <clean>

There was once a Japanese businessman who was engaged in a particular
corporate meeting held in a particular business district in the Philipines.
As he stepped out of the aiport, he hailed the local cab, board it and
requested his destination to be Manila Hotel.
As the cab was attempting to make its way out to the main road, a
ramming and screeching sound was heard.  Out passed a  Honda Civic CRX
Turbo screaming away from the main junction. The Japanese remarked.
"Mmmm, Honda! Made in Japan, verri powerful.  verri faast!!"
some distance, a white executive sedan whoosh pass along side
the cab a high cruising speed.
"Ahhh, Toyota!  Also made in Japan, verri fasto.  Also verri good!,
very faast"
The cab-driver upon hearing the comments, look thru the rear mirror
and was quite resented over the Jap's proud attitude. At that moment
again,another car came ramming fast,  overtaking and cutting every car
ahead of it.
"Mmmm, Mitsubishi!  Also Japan, also verri good, very fast. Mmmm!"
It was not long after reaching the destinated hotel, the cab halted
in front of the lobby door, the cab-driver stared at the meter and proclaimed.
"That will be US$239.40, sir!"
"Nan desu-ka!  What?", the Jap was astonished.  "The airport verri
near  to hotel.
"Er, sir, this meter is NEC, made in Japan, very good and 'very
faast'.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 23 Sep 1997 to 24 Sep 1997
************************************************
