HUMOR Digest - 22 Sep 1997 to 23 Sep 1997
There are 16 messages totalling 631 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Buffaloe theory
  2. It's a long way to Tipperary, too. (Off. to Irish?)
  3. Cunni more, not less <adult humor>
  4. HUMOR - Kids aren't so dumb
  5. Nun Painters
  6. Some thoughts....
  7. Relaxation Exercises <unlikely to be offensive>
  8. Planner's Lament (off. lang.)
  9. monkey <poss.off. to mothers>
 10. Of water and ties (off to: none)
 11. A few barbs from AJC's The Vent
 12. computers must be male, software compilers must be female
 13. Shit List<rude>
 14. Facts for today
 15. Organ <sexual reference>
 16. Three Women Again <adult>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 21 Sep 1997 20:34:53 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Buffaloe theory

(Don't know where this one originated from.)

There are a good number of very valid reasons for drinking beer, but
the one that takes the cake is called the "Buffalo Theory".  It
originated in America and goes something like this:

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and
when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the
back that are killed first.  This natural selection is good for the herd
as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group
keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells.

Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but,
naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.  In
this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain
cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 22 Sep 1997 03:45:18 -0400
From:    Robert Bragner <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: It's a long way to Tipperary, too. (Off. to Irish?)

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home
from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road
which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Paddy, "it's Michael
O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old
age of 87". "That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named
Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died".

Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that
got to be 145 years old!"

"What was his name?", asks Paddy.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to
see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,
"Miles, from Dublin."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 22 Sep 1997 04:01:55 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Cunni more, not less <adult humor>

*   "In my case," said the student to the sex researcher, "when I get
  it part way in, my vision blurs.  And when it's all the way in, I
  can't see a thing."
    "Now, that's an interesting optical reaction, that may well have
 anatomical as well as physiological basis." the researcher replied.
 "If you don't mind young man, I should like to have a look at it."
    So, the student volunteer shrugged and stuck out his tongue.
                                - - - - -

*   "While it might be considered somewhat, er, shall we say 'outre',"
  the physician told the inquiring husband.  "I don't see any real
  harm from your wife's night-creaming her genital area with various
  whipped edible varieties."
    "But Doc !!!" the man persisted. "I'm already 30 pounds overweight."
                                - - - - -

* Seems the US Army's sex scandal just won't go away.  Now I hear a
  recruit has charged a Drill Sergeant with persistently chewing her out.
                                - - - - -

*   A married couple in Baltimore's "Little Italy" went to their Priest
  to discuss birth control, since they already had five children.
    The husband inquired if perhaps oral sex would be an acceptable
  substitute in the eyes of the Church.
    The Priest explained that it was still considered a perverted act
  and a sin; totally banned according to their faith.
    The wife spoke up fuming, "Look Father, you no play-a da game,
  you no make-a da rules."
                                - - - - -

*   One girl was telling a friend over lunch that she had given all her
  beaus pet names that also served as a secret reminder of their sexual
  talents.  As luck would have it, one passed by, and she called out,
  "Hey, Johnny Walker.  How's it going baby ?"
    Her friend said, "Say.  I happen to know that fellow, and his name
  is not Johnny Walker at all.  Johnny Walker is a liquor."
    "Damn !!!  You've broken my code that quickly." said the girl.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 22 Sep 1997 07:39:12 +0000
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@RIVNET.NET>
Subject: HUMOR - Kids aren't so dumb

Bill and Marla had a small apartment in the city.
and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday
afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment
was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on
all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought,
spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour
or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."  A few moments passed.  "Looks like the
Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and
the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed.  "How do you know that?" the startled
father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 22 Sep 1997 08:01:19 -0500
From:    Greg Maes <maesg1@VITEK.COM>
Subject: Nun Painters

 Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent that is being
renovated, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they do
not get any paint on their habits.

 After conferring about this for awhile the two nuns decide to lock the
door, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.  In the middle of the
project there comes a knock on the door. "Who is it?" calls one of  the
nuns.

 "Blind Man," replies the voice from the other side of the door.

 The two nuns seeing no harm in letting a blind man in, shrug and open the
door. "Nice breasts", says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 22 Sep 1997 08:49:42 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Some thoughts....

 ON METAPHYSICS
 Deja vu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the
 head like this before.

 ON DEEP THOUGHTS
 A day without sunshine is like night.

 ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES
 There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy
 this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and
 demand a refund?

 ON HIGHER EDUCATION
 College is a fountain of knowledge...and the students are there to drink.

 ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS
 A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

 ON YOUTH
 "Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I
  have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk."
                                                  -- Steven King, 3/8/90

 ON PROBLEM SOLVING
 When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble
 a nail.  -- Abraham Maslow

 ON MATERIALISM
 He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.

 ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES
 Photons have mass?  I didn't know they were catholic!

 ON INFINITY
 If you had everything, where would you keep it?

 ON ECONOMICS
 The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

 ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING
 I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
 has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
                                  -- English Professor, Ohio University

 ON REVISIONIST HISTORY
 What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?

 ON DATING
 When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional
 division by zero.

 ON LAMENTATION
 Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

 ON POETIC LOVE
 When you're swimmin' in the creek
 And an eel bites your cheek
 That's a moray!
      -- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers

 ON MODERNISM
 Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
 A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with
    brightly colored machine tools.

 ON MATERIAL SCIENCE
 Character density:  The number of very weird people in the office.

 ON EXTINCTION
 Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

 ON LITERATURE
 This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly.  It should be thrown with
 great force.  -- Dorothy Parker

 ON HUMILITY
 To err is human, to moo bovine.

 ON EXPLANATION OF THE END
 "... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
 lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their
 C programs."  --  Robert Firth

 ON PROPHECY
 The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse.

 ON EXCUSES
 I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.  -- Joe Walsh

 ON NUMBERS
 Grabel's Law:  2 is not equal to 3---not even for very large values of 2.

 ON WORLD POLITICS
 Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

 ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT
 There are two major products to come out of Berkley: LSD and UNIX. We
 don't believe this to be a coincidence.

 ON CANADA
 "It's wide and it's flat and it's wet at both ends, it's full of donuts,
 hockey, cold beer and friends. It's got a tower, some lakes and a dome.
 And it's hard to get a green card but we call it home."
                                                       -Red Green

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 22 Sep 1997 09:47:02 -0400
From:    Nick Taylor <ntaylor@WILEY.CO.UK>
Subject: Relaxation Exercises <unlikely to be offensive>

Picture yourself near a gurgling mountain stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world".

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade
of serenity.  The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of
the person whose head you're holding under the water.

Look.  It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first
place.

What a pleasant surprise.  You let them up... just for a quick
breath... then ploop!... back under they go...

You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want. There now...
feeling better?

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 22 Sep 1997 10:10:16 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Planner's Lament (off. lang.)

I'm not allowed to run the train to see if it will go.
I'm not allowed to let off steam or make the whistle blow.
I cannot exercise control or even ring the bell.
But let the damn thing jump the track and see who catches HELL!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 22 Sep 1997 20:10:01 +200
From:    Toomas Aas <toomas@MAIL.RAAD.TARTU.EE>
Subject: monkey <poss.off. to mothers>

The following was posted to Fidonet region 49 jokes
area by Aigar Alaveer (fidonet 2:490/512.3).
---
A lady gets on a train with her baby. A guy sitting across from
her looks at the baby and starts laughing hysterically.
He says, "Lady, that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. It looks
like a monkey. What an ugly kid."
The lady freaks out, and goes running into the next car sobbing
uncontrollably. The conductor sees her, comes over to her to
console her.
He says, "Lady, relax...things are going to be all right...we'll
get off at the next stop, get a cup of coffee...maybe we'll even
find a banana for your monkey."
---

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 22 Sep 1997 12:48:05 -0500
From:    Vikram Gaitonde <vyx@CHINET.CHINET.COM>
Subject: Of water and ties (off to: none)

A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another
man riding on a camel.  When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man
whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give...
water..."
  "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water
   with me.  But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
  "Tie?" whispers the man.  "I need *water*."
  "They're only four dollars apiece."
  "I need *water*."
  "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars."
  "Please!  I need *water*!", says the man.
  "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman,
   and he heads off into the distance.

  The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days.
Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he
sees a restaurant in the distance.  Summoning the last of his strength he
staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter.

  "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer.
  "I'm sorry, sir, ties required."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 22 Sep 1997 13:59:24 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: A few barbs from AJC's The Vent

I just bought a used UPS truck, which you may not think is very cool,
but at least I can park anywhere I want.

Ted Turner gave a billion dollars to charity. Ted must have gotten
into Jane's stash again.

A suntan: A pigment of your imagination.

National Public Radio: Just about as much fun as you can have with
your clothes on.

Is losing a shooting competition the same as getting pistol-whipped?

Boxing gloves do not have fingers. Shouldn't they be called boxing
mittens?

The best way to avoid a parking ticket is to remove your windshield
wipers.

If you really want to honor Prince Di's memory, buckle your seat
belts.

Never let work get in the way of your career.

Of all the things I've ever lost, I miss my mind the most.

Men do rule the world. That's why it's so crappy.

I took a test that said I was cynical. Why should I believe that?

If you ever start feeling good about yourself, just sit down and have
a talk with your wife. It will all change.

If someone laughed at my vent so hard that they had a heart
attack and died, could I be arrested of ventricular homicide.

If someone tells you they want to apologize and they don't say I'm
sorry, does that mean they did it or that they decided they didn't
want to after all?

It's not easy for me to go to work each; it's mind over mattress.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 22 Sep 1997 15:04:41 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: computers must be male, software compilers must be female

Top 10 reasons computers must be male

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9.  A better model is always just around the corner.
8.  They look nice and shiny... until you bring them home.
7.  It is always necessary to have a backup.
6.  They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5.  The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4.  In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3.  The lights are on but nobody's home.
2.  Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1.  Size does matter.

Top 10 reasons software compilers must be female

10. Picky, picky, picky.
9.  They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8.  Beauty is only shell deep.
7.  When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing."
6.  Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5.  Always turning simple statements into big productions.
4.  Smalltalk is important.
3.  You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
2.  They make you take the garbage out.
1.  Miss a period and they go wild.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 22 Sep 1997 16:22:34 -0400
From:    Greg Farrow <GFarrow84@AOL.COM>
Subject: Shit List<rude>

The shit list:

The Ghost Shit
The kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on toilet paper, but
there is no shit in the tiolet.

The Clean Shit
The kind where you shit it out,  see it in the toilet, but there is nothing
on the toilet paper.

The Wet Shit
The kind where you wipe your ass 50 times, but it feels unwiped so you stick
toilet paper betwwen your ass and underwear to prevent skidmarks.

The Second Wave Shit
It happens when your done shitting, you've pulled your pants up to your
knees, and you realize you have to shit some more.

The Brain Hemorrhage Through Your Nose Shit or Pop a Vein in Your Forehead
Shit
The kind where you strain so much to get it out you practically have a
stroke(AKA the Elvis Shit).

The Iceberg Shit
The kind where the shit is so long that the of it sticks above the toilet
water.

The Richard Simmons Shit
The kind where you shit so much you lose 30 pounds.

The Corn Shit
Self-explanatory.

The Drinkers Shit
The kind of shit you have in the morning after a long night of drinking.  Its
most noticeable trait is the tequilla worm floating in the toilet.

The "Gee I Wish I Could Shit" Shit
The kind where you want to shit, but all you do is sit on the toilet with
cramps and fart alot.

The Spinal Tap Shit
The kind of shit where it hurts so much coming out you swear it's coming out
sideways.

The Wet Cheeks Shit or The Power Dump
The kind that comes out so fast and powerfully your butt cheeks get splashed.

The Mexican Food Shit
A class on all it's own.

The Anonymous Shit
The kind where the odor of the mess creeps out of the restroom throughout the
building to make the entire building sick or near evacuation(Notorious in
Bowling Alleys).


Know any that I forgot or have any comments, email me at GFarrow84@aol.com

I got some of these off my friends poster

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 19 Sep 1997 15:50:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Facts for today

>Sent From: kheebner@juno.com

*The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were
 born in 1980.
*The Iranian hostage crisis occurred before they were conceived.
*They have no memory of a time before M-TV.
*"New Wave" is their PARENTS musical generation.
*Cyndi Lauper, Boy George, the Pretenders, the Kinks, the Sex
 Pistols -- are all old music they have heard of, if they have heard
 of it at all.
*They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era.
*They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
*If they have heard the name "Oliver North," it was probably as a
 losing Congressional candidate, or perhaps in some obscure
 survey history text's reference, such as might be made to Huey
 Long or Teapot Dome.
*Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
*Their world has always included AIDS.
*Having not lived through the Disco Scare, they can romanticize the
 1970s.
*They see "Family Ties" as something middle aged ladies watch.
*They watched "Star Wars" years ago, when they were kids -- on video.
*Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums and cassette audiotapes;
 they may have heard OF an 8-track, but probably never actually seen
 (or heard one).
*From their earliest years, a camera was something you used once
 and threw away.
*As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
*The oil crisis is history of which they probably know nothing --
 and why anyone WOULDN'T buy a suburban is beyond them.
*Most of them have probably never seen a real nun, even if they
 went to Catholic schools.


----
"If it bleeds we can kill it"   Arnold Schwarzenegger

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 22 Sep 1997 22:14:53 -0400
From:    David Burns <burnsd@GISCO.NET>
Subject: Organ <sexual reference>

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news.

"I've got some good news and some bad news," God said.

Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a
brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and
have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is
called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form
and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ
to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to
me.  What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow,

"I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 23 Sep 1997 09:38:32 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Three Women Again <adult>

 Three women died and went to heaven. On their way to the pearly gates.
 St. Peter was there to greet them. St. Peter said to the women before you
 can enter you each have to answer one question correctly. So, St. Peter
 goes to the first woman and asked "who was the first man God had created".
 The first woman looked at St. Peter and said "oh that's easy, Adam".. The
 trumpit sounded gate open and St. Peter said "you may enter". Then St.
 Peter goes to the second woman and asked "who was the first woman God had
 created". The second woman looks at St. Peter and said "oh that's easy,
 Eve".. The trumpit sounded gate open and St. Peter said "you may enter".
 Than St. Peter goes to the third woman and asked "what were the first
 words Eve said to Adam". The third woman starts thinking then looked at
 St. Peter and said "oh, that's a hard one". The trumpit sounded gate
 open and St. Peter said "you may enter"...


* Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events;
  small minds discuss people.

  Smile: It adds to your face VALUE

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 22 Sep 1997 to 23 Sep 1997
************************************************
