HUMOR Digest - 21 Sep 1997 to 22 Sep 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 291 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Motivation, Want ad
  2. Exit Laughing
  3. meat-love <no off>
  4. Remember when...
  5. Food Critics
  6. The Grandfather Clock
  7. HUMOR - The Men helped her cause
  8. Remember Meat Clerks? <Inofffensive>
  9. A Geo. Washington Oldie <inoff.>
 10. Guide For Indian Drivers - Part 2/2 <clean>

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Date:    Sun, 21 Sep 1997 01:45:13 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Motivation, Want ad

Over at Purdue  I saw a sign on
the classroom door which read:
   Psych 330 - Motivation
   Canceled due to lack of interest.

My wife clipped a job listing out of the paper
for me.  She said it wasn't much to start out,
but a huge pay raise.  It read:
   Salary: 23k to start.  401k after 1 yr.

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Date:    Sun, 21 Sep 1997 06:15:32 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Exit Laughing

Life's two certainties (Death and Taxes) have always been topics for
humor.  Lately, due to the deaths of Princess Di and Mother Teresa,
some macabre, sick & tasteless essays have been masquerading as jokes.
Permit me to attempt to show that death can indeed have a "lighter" side:

*   A man was ordered to Florida by his doctor for a month to recover
  from a tricky operation.  Unfortunately, he died there.  The body was
  shipped back home.
    At the funeral parlor, the widow was given an advance viewing by the
  Director, who said, "Doesn't he look wonderful ?"
    "Yes," agreed the widow.  "I think those weeks in Florida did him
  a world of good."
                                - - - - -

*   Had a door-to-door salesman call one time selling of all things --
  burial plots.  I told him that we already had our plots in another
  cemetery.
    He seemed uncertain as to what to say next, but he recovered to
  say politely, "I hope you'll be very happy there."
                                - - - - -

*   A rather wealthy bachelor bequeathed his entire fortune to the two
  women who had refused his marriage proposals.  His reasoning according
  to his lawyer was he owed them what peace & happiness he had enjoyed.
                                - - - - -

*   I was in bed with the flu, feeling sorry for myself, and worked out
  how much Mrs. JimJr would be worth if I died.  After telling her, she
  scolded me for having such awful morbid thoughts.
    Then, as she sat there quietly on the edge of the bed, she said,
  "Does that include your Navy insurance ?"
                                - - - - -

* As a last request, the Yuppie from Columbia Maryland asked that instead
  of family members, his pallbearers be reps from VISA, Consumer Credit,
  Master Card, 1st National Bank, Commercial Credit and Mercantile Trust.
  His reasoning ?  They carried him in life, so they might as well carry
  him out too.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sun, 21 Sep 1997 08:54:57 +0200
From:    "Th. Legters" <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: meat-love <no off>

Q: What's the difference between a vulture and a mother-in-law?
A: A vulture waits until you're dead.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 21 Sep 1997 19:12:18 GMT+2
From:    "M.Schyff" <schyffm@KBPNFS03.ESKOM.CO.ZA>
Subject: Remember when...

Remember when...

... Sex was safe and rugby was dangerous ?
... Crack meant the place you pull girl's panties out of ?


* God answers ALL prayers. Only all too often the answer is 'NO'.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 21 Sep 1997 10:19:37 -0700
From:    Roger Taranto <RTARANTO@US.ORACLE.COM>
Subject: Food Critics

JimJr's dining out humor reminded me of Woody Allen's old joke
about two elderly women eating at a low-quality restaurant:

First Woman: "The food here is terrible."
Second Woman: "I know -- and such small portions, too."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 18 Sep 1997 14:57:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: The Grandfather Clock

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working
right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a
clock repair shop.  In the shop is a little old man who
insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent.  He asks
Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"
Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-
tock-tick-tock' anymore.  Now it just goes
'tick...tick...tick.'"
The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the
counter, where he rummages around a bit.  He emerges with a
huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.  He
turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the
clocks face.  Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays
of making you tock!"


---
Does anyone have change for a paradign?

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 21 Sep 1997 14:47:22 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR - The Men helped her cause

 A stripper who had filed a lawsuit (Leonard vs. Kukar) in Fairfax
 County, Va., U.S.A., to recover for injuries she suffered in a car
 accident at first objected to the defendant's showing a videotape
 of her performing after the injury, believing the jury would think
 she was malingering. However, according to her lawyer, James M. Lowe,
 the tape backfired in her favor. The post-injury performance was
 basically standing and wiggling, while her pre-injury  performance
 was based on limberness in working around a pole. In March, the
 jury awarded her &182,000, three times what she requested, but she
 may have been aided by the fact that six of the seven jurors were men.

 "Weird News," by Chuck Shepherd, Universal Press Syndicate, 16/9/97

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 21 Sep 1997 18:13:44 -0400
From:    Charles Tidwell <ctidwell@SOUTHERN.EDU>
Subject: Remember Meat Clerks? <Inofffensive>

     A meat counter clerk, who had had a particularly good day, proudly
flipped his last chicken on a scale and weighed it.  "That will be $6.35,"
he told the customer.

     "That really is a little too small," said the wooman.  "Don't you
have anything larger?"

      Hesitating, but thinking fast, the clerk returned the chicken to the
refrigerator, paused a moment, then took it out again. "This one," he said faintly, " will be $6.65."

      The woman paused for a moment, then made her decision. "I know what,"
she said, "I'll take both of them!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 21 Sep 1997 19:52:31 EDT
From:    Charley B Tyson <charleyt@JUNO.COM>
Subject: A Geo. Washington Oldie <inoff.>

Remember the old George Washington story?  When the Father of our Country
was a boy, he was forgiven for cutting down a cherry tree on his
father's plantation, forgiven because he 'fessed up right off when
confronted with the deed. His reply to his father is immortal: "Father, I
cannot tell a lie."

The follow-up story is not so well known.  It seems that the forgiveness
for cutting the cherry tree had the opposite effect on him as his father
intended.  He now knew that if he always admitted his misdeeds, his
father would automatically forgive him and give him merits for being
truthful.

Seems there was, as on many plantations, out-door toilets placed at
strategic places about the Mt. Vernon property so that a  facility was
available whenever, where ever needed.  One was built right on the bank,
a steep bank, of the Potomac River which flowed by the property.  George
got the strong urge to give it a little push and topple it into the
sluggish river.  He succumbed to the temptation; he pushed it and ran!

Later that day his father, with a very stern face, called young George
into the parlor.  "George," he asked, "Do you know who pushed the
out-house into the river?"  Young George confidently gave the right, the
true answer: "I know who did it, Father; I pushed it myself."

The sturdy elm switch did its necessary work.  Wiping away the tears,
struggling to speak despite the lumps in his throat, George reminded his
father, "But, Father, when I was truthful in telling you that I chopped
down your cherry tree, you forgave me for being honest and admitting my
misdeeds."

"Yes, George, I did forgive you for toppling the cherry tree.  But, I was
NOT in the cherry tree when you cut it down!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 22 Sep 1997 09:32:06 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Guide For Indian Drivers - Part 2/2 <clean>

Indian Traffic Classification along with some more rules..and asides..

 Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi) - The result of a collision between a
 rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an
 external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil
 and creosote.  This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders
 or passengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified
 fare. After careful geometric calculations, children are folded and
 packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery
 are not in contact  with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags
 are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so that minor collisions
 with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage..
 Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also
 learn Newton's laws of motion en route to school.  Auto-rickshaw drivers
 follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed
 to irritate..

 Mopeds - The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an
 electric shaver.  It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at
 break-bottom speed.  As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the
 moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather
 drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped"
 off the tarmac..

 Leaning Tower of Passes - Most buss passengers are given free passes and
 during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem.  There are passengers hanging
 off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings, and the overloaded
 bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface
 tension.  As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kilogram of
 passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a
 width of three passengers..

 One-Way Street - These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in
 their otherwise drab lives.  Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed
 in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in
 two directions at once.  So drive as you like, in reverse throughout, if you
 are the fussy type..

 Lest I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point also. Rash and fast
 driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a "speed
 breaker"; two for each house. This mound, incidentally, covers the water and
 drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for easy
 identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover
 the pipe for year-end accounting..

 If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your Lessons
 between 8 pm and 11 am-when the police have gone home.  The citizen is then
 free to enjoy the "freedom of speed" enshrined in our constitution.


* Great minds discuss ideas ; average minds discuss events ;
  small minds discuss people.

Smile: It adds to your face VALUE

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End of HUMOR Digest - 21 Sep 1997 to 22 Sep 1997
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