HUMOR Digest - 19 Sep 1997 to 20 Sep 1997
There are 11 messages totalling 527 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Just a Little Spam  (Advertisement)
  2. Working Girls <adult humor>
  3. Departmental Desiderata
  4. Money's no object <Adult. Brothel scene>
  5. Going west ! (off. to: none)
  6. Q&A
  7. Another blonde joke (offensive to blondes)
  8. Collected barbs from the ACJ The Vent
  9. Realization: 56 ways to piss off your roomate <off. to weak stomachs!>
     <long>
 10. My What Big Ears You Have... (Adult)
 11. You May Be An Engineer...

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Date:    Fri, 19 Sep 1997 02:12:17 -0400
From:    Hal Tremper <Quixote96@AOL.COM>
Subject: Just a Little Spam  (Advertisement)

Tired of those fruity, flowery "men's colognes"?
Tired of smelling like a fag?
Ready for something a little more manly, a little more macho, a little more
courageous?...

Then you're ready for _Diesel Musk_ by Menace

Comprised of the essenence of  the smelliest diesel fuel anywhere, it will
make you smell like a macho tanker driver, heavy equipment operator, or truck
driver... The kind of virile, manly man _she_ can't resist.

When you are ready to stop smelling like a boy and start smelling like a man,
you're ready to try _Diesel Musk_!

Other colognes available from Menace

Eau de Ranchdirt
For those who want to smell like a macho cowboy. Composed of extract of cow
manure , barnyard dirt, horse sweat and stale tobbaco juice, it will make you
smell as sexy as the _real_"Marlborough Man".

Eau de Lockerroom
For those who want to smell like a real athlete. Formulated from a blend of
the armpit, groin, and face sweat of  tired atheletes, and extract from week
old unwashed laundry, it will make you smell like you've been working out all
day.

Try one of these colognes today, and start smelling like a _Real_ man!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 19 Sep 1997 02:59:12 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Working Girls <adult humor>

*   The guy dating the pretty bank teller considered himself somewhat
  of a wit.  As they were making love he said, "Aren't you going to
  warn me that there's a substantial penalty for early withdrawal ?"
    "That isn't likely." she shot back. "As your interest was just
  beginning to peak."
                                - - - - -

*   Fellow was trying to hit on a Blackjack dealer in Las Vegas without
  success.  Finally in desperation he said, "Look.  I'll give ya a
  hundred to sleep with me tonite."
    "You ain't gonna get no where being so crude either buddy." the girl
  said.  "Tell ya what.  Try betting me 100 dollars at 2:1 that I won't
  put out for ya."
                                - - - - -

* "It's tuff having a teacher for a mother." the one boy told another.
  "Remember that Halloween costume party we went to ?  And I dressed as
  a bee ?  Well, when I got home, she checked my breath for pollen."
                                - - - - -

*   "Would you like to hear my sexual philosophy ?" the boss asked the
  new coder.
    "Why yes sir, I think that would be interesting." she responded.
    "It's really quite simple." he said. "Get it Up, Get in In, Get it
  Off and Get it Home."
    "Hmmmmmmm." she mused.  "Sounds like the Four-Get-It system to me."
                                - - - - -

*   A passenger had been rather rude and demanding all during the long
  trans-Atlantic flight.  Finally he dozed off & his assigned stewardess
  was enjoying a little peace and quiet.
    Suddenly he awoke and shouted, "Who turned on the fucking lights ?"
    Having finally had enuff of the character, she answered with forced
  sweetness, "These are the breakfast lights sir.  The fucking lights
  are much much dimmer."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 19 Sep 1997 00:00:20 PDT
From:    david jeffries <david_jeffries@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Departmental Desiderata

Go placidly amid the politics and the decision making, and remember what
peace there may be in the silence of your own office. As far as
possible, do not believe in miracles but learn to rely on them. Listen
to others, even the dull and ignorant, for they too have inside
information.

Avoid ambitious and efficient persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you cannot convince others, endeavour to confuse them, for always
there will be persons less sure of themselves than you. Enjoy your
government car as well as your travelling allowance.

Keep interested in you career, and take notes of other persons'
mistakes, however humble, for they can be a real possession in the
changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your affairs, for the
service is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue
there is in giving verbal orders, and never write anything down that
might be held against you.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection for the job. Neither be
cynical about Departmental red-tape; for in the face of all trends and
indicators it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly to the counsel
of the years, gracefully shedding your naivety. Nurture strength of
spirit to shield you from departmental cutbacks. But do not distress
yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of over-work and exclusion
from important meetings. Beyond a wholesome salary, be gentle with
yourself.

You are a child of the Government, no less than the electors and the
parliament; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear
to you, no doubt the structure is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with your superiors, whatever you perceive them
to be. and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion
of Departmental life, keep pace with your co-workers.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, the service still
provides regular pay. Be seen with the right executives. Strive to look
important.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 19 Sep 1997 12:13:17 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Money's no object <Adult. Brothel scene>

The madame opens the door of this smart brothel in Paris, to see an
elderly man. His clothes are all dishevelled and he looks really seedy.
He is also ugly and reeks of cheap wine.
"Can I help you?" the madame asks.
"I want Natalie" the old man replies.
 "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone
 else..."
 "No, I want Natalie."
Just then Natalie appears, almost freaks out and tells the old man that she
charges 10,000 Francs an hour (about $2,000). The man does not even
blink, reaches into his pocket and hands her ten FF 1,000 bills.
The two go up to a room for an hour, where upon the man calmly
leaves.
The next night he appears again demanding Natalie. Natalie explains
that  there are no discounts... it was still FF 10,000 for one hour.
Again the old man takes  out  the money, the two go up to the room and he
calmly leaves an hour  later.
When he shows up the third consecutive night no one could believe it.
Again he hands Natalie the money and up to the room they go. At the
end  of the hour Natalie questions the old man: "No one has ever used my
services three nights in a row...where are you from?"
The old man replies, "I am from Bordeaux."
"Really?", replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there."
"I know," said the old man, "she gave me FF 30,000 to give to you."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 19 Sep 1997 07:57:14 -0500
From:    Vikram Gaitonde <vyx@CHINET.CHINET.COM>
Subject: Going west ! (off. to: none)

A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood
waiting for a taxi.
  "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel.  "I'm going west."
        "How wonderful," came the cool reply.  "Bring me back an orange."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 19 Sep 1997 16:26:18 +0100
From:    Juggy <jagannatha.rao@K5ESK.FE.BOSCH.DE>
Subject: Q&A

Q: How did Bill Gates become rich?
A: He opened the Windows of his Office for others to work.

* No matter how long you keep your office windows open you
  cannot become Gates

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 19 Sep 1997 09:38:50 -0700
From:    Charles Maxson <cmaxson@GRAND-CANYON.EDU>
Subject: Another blonde joke (offensive to blondes)

(This one takes some explanation and can really only be done in person
with a pencil and paper.  I'll try to write out the instructions of how
to tell it.  The sentences in [brackets] are the instructions to the
teller and are not to be read out loud)

These 4 blondes went out to lunch together and at the end of the meal
were given the bill for the lunch.  The total came to $28.  They all
looked at each other and decided that they would just split it 4 ways
rather than trying to figure out who had what and exactly how much each
person should pay (possibly because this would be beyond their math
skills anyway!).  After thinking about it and discussing it they figured
out that each person owed $25.  Their logic was that 4 times 25% would
equal 100% and so they would have paid 100% of the bill.  So they each
put $25 on the table and started to leave.  But then one of them said,
"Wait a minute. Is that right? Somehow it doesn't seem right."

So she got out a piece of paper and wrote down the figures.  [Here's
where you need a piece of paper and a pencil.  You write down "$25" four
times in a single column like this:]

        $25
        $25
        $25
        $25
       _____  [Draw a line under the final $25 to indicate that you
are            going to total the column of figures.]

Then she added the numbers up.

[You call out the numbers as if you are adding them, pointing to the
column of 5's first, starting at the bottom, adding up the column:]

"5, 10, 15, 20." [Emphasize "20" as the total.]

[Then you start pointing to the 2's column and do the same thing:]

"2, 4, 6, 8." [Emphasize "8" as the total.]

[Then announce:]

Yup, that's right! 20 plus 8 is $28 and that was the amount of the bill!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 19 Sep 1997 16:31:31 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Collected barbs from the ACJ The Vent

Red Skelton, my favorite clown, is dead, and I don't feel so good
myself.

My wife is just wonderful. She brings in the mail and newspaper, cuts
the grass and, in addition, is small and cheap to feed.

Marriage is a bad meal with dessert served first.

I think the hot toy this Christmas will be the Divorced Barbie. She
will come with all of Ken's stuff.

I think Mir desperately needs an MRI.

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, dogs are from Pluto and cars
are from Saturn and Mercury. Please don't moon me.

I passed a business whose sign says, "Free dog dip every Saturday." I
prefer onion myself.

When filling the race box on your form, just write "human."

My wife can suffer in silence louder than anybody in the world!

What does it say about the political acumen of the typical American
when you realize we had rather debate who should succeed Queen
Elizabeth II than how Clinton-Gore used illegal fundraising
tactics to steal the 1996 election from the poor Republicans?

A failure of the system: How can it be right for someone so
undiplomatic as Senator Helms should be able to veto President
Clinton's choices for diplomats?

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 19 Sep 1997 16:12:11 -0500
From:    Real iz ation <realization@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Realization: 56 ways to piss off your roomate <off. to weak stomachs!>
         <long>

56 WAYS TO PISS OFF YOUR ROOMMATE

 1. Smoke jimson weed.  Do whatever comes naturally.
 2. Twitch a lot.
 3. Steal a fishtank.  Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it.
    Talk to them.
 4. Speak in tongues.
 5. Move you roommate's personal effects around.  Start subtlely.
 6. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola.  Drink it all.  Stack the cans in 
    the middle of your room.  Number them.
 7. Spend all your money on Transformers.  Play with them at night.  If
    your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're
    more than meets the eye."
 8. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man,"
    Casablanca,") almost inaudibly. 
 9. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
10. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed.  Get him/her to bring you food.
11. Get a computer.  Leave it on when you are not using it.  Turn it off
    when you are.
12. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of
    weeks."
13. Fake a heart attack.  When your roommate gets the paramedics to
    come, pretend nothing happened.
14. Eat glass.
15. Smile.  All the time.
16. Collect dog shit in baby food jars.  Sort them according to what you
    think the dog ate.
17. Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
18. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash
    can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash.  Find the food, and
    eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand
    that s/he reimburse you.
19. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk.  Include a list
    of grievances.
20. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
21. Dye all your underwear lime green.
22. Bye three loaves of stale bread.  Grow mold in the closet.
23. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster.  Sacrifice something nasty.
24. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.
    Announce that you are going to take a shower.  Do so.  Keep this up
    for three weeks.
25. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser.
    Refuse to discuss them.
26. Paint your half of the room black.  Or paisley.
27. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start
    with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
28. Shave one eyebrow.
29. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall.  Complain
    loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
30. Always flush the toilet three times.
31. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week.  Vomit often.
32. Give him/her an allowance.
33. Listen to radio static.
34. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night.  Close
    them as soon as you wake up.
35. Cry a lot.
36. Whenever your roomate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and
    giggle to yourself.
37. If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
38. Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your
    roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines.
39. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do so for a
    while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the
    ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out . . .
    use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.
40. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
41. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into
    the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
42. Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a
    towel, and go shower too.
43. Call your RA whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
44. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
45. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
46. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into
    him/her.
47. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say
    anything, just stare.
48. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really
    important but you can't remember who it was.
49. Skip to the bathroom.
50. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the
    fort for an entire weekend.
51. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately
    without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two
    minutes than call whoever it was back.
52. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling
    above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
53. Collect Chia-Pets.
54. Eat a bag of marshmellows before you go to bed. The next day, spray
    three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
55. Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't
    looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until your roommate
    turns around. Drink it.
56. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk
    by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."

* "We are all hypocrites in our own way. . ."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 19 Sep 1997 13:46:00 EDT
From:    Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: My What Big Ears You Have... (Adult)

A man rents an apartment and goes to the lobby to put his name on the
mailbox.  While there, an attractive young lady comes out of an
apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.  He smiles at her and
she strikes up a conversation.

As they talk, her robe slips open, and it quite obvious that she has
nothing on under the robe.  He breaks into a sweat trying to maintain
eye contact.  After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and
says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming ..."

He proceeds her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she
leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open.  She purrs
at him, "I saw you looking.  What would you say is my best feature?"

He clears his throat several times, looks her up and down and finally
managed to squeak out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She's astounded!  "Why my ears?  Looks at these boobs!  They are full,
don't sag, and they're all mine!  My butt -- it's firm doesn't sag, and
has no cellulite!  Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars!  Why in
heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, he stammers, "Outside when you said you
heard someone coming -- THAT WAS ME!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 19 Sep 1997 20:10:47 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: You May Be An Engineer...

 If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"
 If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
 If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
 If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas
 If Dilbert is your hero
 If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
 If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
 If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
 If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
 If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal
     point in the right place
 If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
 If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car
 If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than
     hanging coats and taping ducts
 If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find
     the burnt-out bulb in the string
 If you window shop at Radio Shack
 If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest
     sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
 If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area
 If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that
     actually takes five minutes to run
 If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener
     and your camera's flash attachment
 If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is
 If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
 If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
 If you own "Official Star Trek" anything
 If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside
 If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on
     the radio in your work area for better reception
 If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
 If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear
     reactor
 If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
 If you have never backed-up your hard drive
 If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games,
     but are afraid to say it out loud
 If you truly believe aliens are living among us
 If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
 If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"
 If you see a good design and still have to change it
 If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
 If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
 If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your
     mind
 If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where
     they are
 If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
 If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own
     turns bread into charcoal
 If you have more toys than your kids
 If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
 If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
 If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
 If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
 If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up
     to the front to fix it
 If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
 If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel
 If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN
     stands for
 If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with
     a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up
     thinking that was normal
 If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size
     screw driver to use
 If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
 If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
 If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week
 If you did the sound system for your senior prom
 If your checkbook always balances
 If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
 If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
 If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers
 If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't
     get enough sleep
 If you spend more on your home computer than your car
 If you know what http:/ stands for
 If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
 If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage
 If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain
     atmospheric absorption theory
 If your lap-top computer costs more than your car
 If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar  4. Chocolate

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 19 Sep 1997 to 20 Sep 1997
************************************************
