HUMOR Digest - 18 Sep 1997 to 19 Sep 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 520 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Princess Di <Offensive to Royalists & Di fans>
  2. Not What it Might Seem <adult humor>
  3. Blondes <Again? Ok, off. to blondes>
  4. The frog and the princess
  5. Candy (adult)
  6. Words from George/Jesus <offensive to Pro-Lifers/Christians>
  7. Humor:  Relaxation exercise <prob not offensive>
  8. <HUMOR> Edsel and his new child
  9. Mom's advice (Offensive)
 10. Clerical error
 11. Thermodynamics of Hell
 12. Guide For Indian Drivers - Part 1/2

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Date:    Wed, 17 Sep 1997 23:09:45 PDT
From:    david jeffries <david_jeffries@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Princess Di <Offensive to Royalists & Di fans>

Why is Di like George Burns?
They both died when the hit 100.

Did you hear about the princess who stayed out until after midnight?
She turned into a pillar of concrete.

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana?
Tiger Woods has a good driver.

Pink Floyd is expected to contribute to the upcoming benefit
album by singing "All in all, it's just another Brit on the wall"

We should all remember Mother Theresa and Princess Diana by
eating a curry and then sticking our fingers down our throats.

What did St Peter say to Princess Di?
You can come in, but wipe that Merc off your face.

Why did the survivor wnat to go back to the accident scene?
He wanted to see his flatmates.

Why is a Mercedes like an octopus?
They've both got Di in them when they're opened.

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Date:    Thu, 18 Sep 1997 03:56:17 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Not What it Might Seem <adult humor>

*   The old Jewish man stopped before a blind fellow who was sitting
  on the sidewalk begging for handouts.  The man said, "I don't have
  much money on me but I'll be happy to share my matzos with you."
    The beggar took a piece of matzo in his hands, ran one hand over
  the surface and exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap ?"
                                - - - - -

*   A prospective juror was being questioned by the District Attorney for
  a murder trial that had been in all the papers. "If the defendant were
  to be convicted tomorrow, could you kill him for his crime ?"
    "Well, no." replied the man.  "But I could do it on Saturday if that
  would be OK."
                                - - - - -

*   It got so cold during the last quarter of a football game that the
  die-hard fan was almost alone in his section of the stands.  Wrapped
  snugly in a warm blanket, he caught the eye of a young lass shivering
  near-by and opened the blanket as an invitation to join him.
    They snuggled close and drank the remainder of the quarter. She had
  introduced herself as Andrea, a model; he as Irving, a lawyer.
    Towards the middle of the last quarter, he said, "Say, I thought all
  models shaved all their hair.  You're no model."
    "Maybe not," she replied, "But your name's not Irving either."
                                - - - - -

*   Knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned about her husband's
  smoking.  She told me that she had finally gotten him to agree to limit
  his smoking at home to only those times when they had finished making
  love.  She had gotten the idea from a classic movie they had both seen
  on TV called "Cold Turkey".
    After about a week I asked her how it was going.
    "Well, not too bad." she said, getting up off of a pillow she had in
  her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine.  "I've gotten him
  down to about a pack a night now."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Thu, 18 Sep 1997 11:47:06 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Blondes <Again? Ok, off. to blondes>

 A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
 "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
 "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more
 specific."
 The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,
"Ow, that hurts."  Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled,
 "Ouch! That hurts, too."
 Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
 The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you
 a  natural blonde?"
 "Why, yes," she said.
 "I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 18 Sep 1997 07:29:56 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: The frog and the princess

Forwarded from my sister Alma Dean Kolb

Once upon a time, a beautiful princess happened upon a frog in a pond.

The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until
an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back
into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom
where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and
forever feel lucky for doing so."

That night the princess had frogs legs for dinner.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 18 Sep 1997 10:46:23 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Candy (adult)

One day Mr. Goodbar wanted a Bit O' Honey, so he took Miss Hershey behind the
Power House on 5th Avenue. He unwrapped her Reeses Cup and started feeling
her Mounds, which turned out to be pure Almond Joy.

She let out a Snicker as his Butterfinger went up her Milky Way. She
screamed, "Oh Henry!" as she squeezed his Chunky. The result was a Baby Ruth.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 18 Sep 1997 10:01:01 -0500
From:    Greg Maes <maesg1@VITEK.COM>
Subject: Words from George/Jesus <offensive to Pro-Lifers/Christians>

In the words of George Carlin:

"Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women
you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place"

________

And a quick on-liner:

Jesus walks into a hotel, lays down a bag of nails, and asks to be put up
for the night.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 18 Sep 1997 10:14:43 -0500
From:    "Rowe, Thomas" <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Humor:  Relaxation exercise <prob not offensive>

Picture yourself near a gurgling mountain stream.

Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade
of serenity.

The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're
holding under the water.

Look.  It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first
place.

What a pleasant surprise. You let them up... just for a quick
breath... then ploop!...back under they go...

You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.
There now... feeling better?

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 18 Sep 1997 16:39:10 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <HUMOR> Edsel and his new child

David Massengill is a folk-singer and story-teller here in the US.  He tells
stories that come out of our traditional country folklore.  I recently heard
him in performance.  Here's one of the stories he told.

Edsel and his new child   by David Massengill

Massengill has a friend named Edsel who is a real character.  He does wood
carvings, builds dulcimers and --according to Massengill-- is a great liar
and loafer.

Edsel has several children.  Last year when he called out the local Doctor
to help his wife deliver their latest child he told the Doc that he had
just too many kids!  "If I have another one," he said, "I'll just have to
kill myself!"

Well, this year the Doctor was called out to Edsel's house to help with
another delivery.  After things were taken care of, he decided he'd tease
Edsel a bit.

"Edsel," he said, "I thought you were going to kill yourself if you had
another child.  You don't seem to have done that!"

Edsel looked him up and down and then replied: "Oh I thought about it
Doc.  Yes I did.  I even went so far as to get a rope and head out into
the woods.  As I was puttin' the rope over a tree branch it suddenly
struck me that I _might_ be hanging an innocent man.  So, I didn't do
it."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 18 Sep 1997 18:45:31 EDT
From:    Arthur A Plante <payrollcdp@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Mom's advice (Offensive)

To receive the full impact you need to visualize a beutiful beach at
sunset.  The palm trees are swaying, waves are breaking gently on the
sand & away in the distance you can barely make out two figures walking
your way.

As they get closer you can see its two females, a mother & daughter.

The girl barely 15 is struggling to correctly phrase a question.

Mom, errrr Mom.......   do you think that I might..... Do you think that
maybe its time that I start to .......start to ....... douche?

Mom says

Don't ask me darling, ask one of those pelicans thats been following us
for the last three miles.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 18 Sep 1997 23:47:30 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: Clerical error

      CALCUTTA--In what is widely believed to be the result of clerical error
on the part of Heaven's massive soul-evaluation and punishment-allocation
bureaucracy, The Calcutta Daily-Telegram reported Monday that beloved
missionary care giver Mother Teresa was condemned to agonizing, eternal
torment in Hell following her death last Friday at the age of 87.

      Widely expected to ascend into Paradise and take her rightful place
among the saints to the glorious fanfare of horns and choruses upon her
passing, she was instead hurled from the firmament into the bowels of the Lake
of Fire.

      "We can only assume that some sort of mix-up occurred in the processing
phase," said St. Peter, the heavenly official in charge of the Book of Life,
in which the names of those chosen to ascend to the Gates of Heaven are
written. "Unfortunately, when you deal with over 70 million souls a day, these
kinds of mistakes happen. What can I say? I don't know what else to tell you."


      Mother Teresa, who for decades inspired the world with her selfless
devotion to the starving, disease-ridden masses of Calcutta, was unavailable
for comment, as she was being lowered upside-down into a vat of boiling human
excrement by a trio of pitchfork-wielding demons. Similar punishment
reportedly awaits her for the rest of eternity.

      Ever since Monday, heavenly angels, cherubim, seraphim, and other
secondary celestial entities have been working around the clock to keep up
with the enormous volume of intercessional prayers arriving daily on Mother
Teresa's behalf. Despite the tremendous number of pleas, however, Heaven
essentially has its hands tied.

      "It's sad that this happened," the archangel Gabriel, a spokesperson for
Heaven, told reporters. "But we really can't do anything about it. The whole
point of eternal damnation is that it is inescapable, absolute, and
irrevocable. If the Lord were to turn around and pull her out of Hell now,
he'd be turning his back on millennia of Catholic doctrine, on everything
Mother Teresa stood for."

      Her arthritic limbs snapping like twigs as her frail, 4'11" frame was
rent asunder by the claws of grotesque, multi-limbed demons, Mother Teresa
reportedly screamed in indescribable agony as the superheated gases of Hell's
unholy furnace blackened and charred her hair and face. According to a New
York Times report, her skull has already been used as a drinking goblet by
Satan, the Great Deceiver himself, and the esteemed nun's rape at the hands of
insatiable, barbed-penis-wielding hell hounds in the near-future is considered
"highly likely."

      "I can't believe this happened," said stunned Catholic Cristina
Fontanez, 38, of Petaluma, CA. "She must have been so shocked when, after a
lifetime of good works, she found herself face-to-face with Satan. Instead of
being thrust into the living and redemptive light of Jesus' love for all time
upon her death, she instead found herself being slit from crotch to sternum
and suffering the pain of red-hot instruments of torture repeatedly being
plunged deep into her writhing entrails."

      Speculation varies as to what could have caused such a miscarriage of
heavenly justice. While some contend that Mother Teresa's policy of not
administering medication to the sick and dying in her clinics may have caused
some in Heaven to doubt her true compassion, others believe that her constant
speeches against birth control--a contributing factor to mass overpopulation,
poverty and starvation throughout the Third World--may be to blame.

      Still others posit that Teresa may have sinned in her heart at some
point during her long life, qualifying her for eternal damnation despite a
history of good works.

      "According to Catholic doctrine, even one moment of lust would be enough
to justify Mother Teresa's banishment to the flame," said Archbishop Janiusz
Wolsczya of Krakow. "It is possible that after years of celibacy and
self-denial, her natural desires for sexual release may have built to a
breaking point. I imagine that sleeping alone on that hard cot all those years
and donating every ounce of her strength to the care of the poor, she must
have been very lonely. The compulsion to masturbate must have been enormous."

      Most observers, however, reject these explanations, firm in the belief
that the eternal punishment is undeserved, the result of simple bureaucratic
error on the part of heavenly officials.

      "I promise a full investigation into this matter," the Apostle John,
seated at the right hand of Christ Almighty, told reporters. "If any evidence
of incompetence or error on the part of the officials who conducted Mother
Teresa's afterlife evaluation is found, I assure you there will be serious
repercussions."

      Despite such strongly worded statements from Heaven, a majority of
followers on Earth are calling the promise of a full investigation a case of
"too little, too late."

      "I feel like this has forever weakened the foundation of my faith," said
73-year-old Giancarlo Rossetti of Milan, one of over 300,000 protesters who
crowded Vatican Square Tuesday to call for an immediate reversal of the Mother
Teresa Hell condemnation. "She was a good woman, and she does not deserve to
have her eyes torn out of their sockets by flaming packs of ravenous
demon-dogs."

      Satan, speaking from deep within his fortress in the Hell city of Dis,
described the late Mother Teresa's soul as "succulent and tasty."


* A good man gone wrong is usually a bad man found out.

www.smart1.net/aditya

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Date:    Wed, 17 Sep 1997 22:47:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Thermodynamics of Hell

>Sent From: KEarlAdams@aol.com

Hell of a final exam

A retiring Phys Chem professor was setting his last exam, for a graduate
course in statistical thermodynamics. Being a bit bored with it all, and with
a well kept and wry sense of humor, he set a single question on the sheet:

Is Hell endothermic or exothermic? Support your answer with a proof.

He had little idea what to expect, or how to grade the results, but decided
to reward any student who was able to come up with a reasonable and
consistent reply to his query.

One A was awarded.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some
variant.

The top student however wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some
mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate
are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it
will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.  As for souls entering hell,
lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project
that all people and all souls go to hell.  With birth and death rates as they
are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the
same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. There
are two possible conditions.

Condition 1: If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at
which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will
increase exponentially until all hell breaks loose.

Condition 2: If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell
freezes over.

We can solve this with the 1990 postulation of Theresa LeClair, the
girl who lived across the hall from me in first year residence. Since I have
still not been successful in obtaining sexual relations with her, condition
two above has not been met, and thus it can be concluded that condition one
is true, and hell is exothermic.

---
Cynicism sucks - just like everything else.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 19 Sep 1997 09:07:41 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Guide For Indian Drivers - Part 1/2

For the benefit of those people who are driving on Indian roads..;-)

Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where
you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance company.

 1. Do we drive on the left or right of the road?  The answer is "both"..
    Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied.
    In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied.
    Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess..

 2. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed..
    Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality..

 3. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the
    intended direction. Don't you get discouraged or underestimate
    yourself. Except for a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers
    are not in any better position..

 4. Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to
    cross the road.  You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the
    back..  Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when
    traffic is moving slowly or had come to a dead stop because some
    minister is in town..  Still some idiot may try to wade across, but
    then, let us not talk ill of the dead..

 5. Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries.  We
    horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust
    (two brisk blasts), or, just wakeup a dozing cow in the middle of
    the bazaar..

 6. Keep informative books in the glove compartment.  You may read them
    during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade,
    or waiting for the rain waters to recede when overground traffic
    meets underground drainage..

 7. Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for
    those with the mental makeup of Genghis Khan).In a way,it is like
    playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the
    drivers is loaded.  What looks like premature dawn on the horizon
    turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record.  On encountering
    it,just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the
    phenomenon passes.  Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional
    boulders.  Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation.  The
    only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and the peg of illicit
    attack he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions
    add up to little more than a nought.  Truck drivers are the James
    Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill.  Often you may encounter a
    single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This
    is not a super motor-bike, but a truck approaching you with a single
    light on, usually the left one.  It could be the right one, but never
    get too close to investigate..  You may prove your point posthumously.
    Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads. During the
    daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the drivers will never
    show any signal.  (And you must watch for the absent signals; they are
    a greater threat.)  Only, you will often observe that the cleaner that
    sits next to the driver, will project his hand and wave hysterically.
    This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn.
    The waving is just an expression of physical relief on a hot day..
    Occasionally you might see what looks like an UFO with blinking colored
    lights and weird sounds emanating from within.  This is an illuminated
    bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at breakneck
    speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success..



* Smile = The curve that makes a LOT of things straight

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End of HUMOR Digest - 18 Sep 1997 to 19 Sep 1997
************************************************
