HUMOR Digest - 16 Sep 1997 to 17 Sep 1997
There are 15 messages totalling 587 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Some College Humor
  2. Top Ten
  3. Fire !  <sexual content>
  4. PrincessDi <Offensive to a royalist or Di fan>
  5. New TV set (religious)
  6. Great Britain Beer Festival (inoff)
  7. old age <poss off to elderly>
  8. More barbs from the AJC's The Vent
  9. Rabbi up to the bar, boys <off. to Rabbis>
 10. When things go wrong (off. language)
 11. BEER TROUBLESHOOTING FLOW CHART
 12. Fw: Texas humor ???  .Possible offense to rednecks
 13. How stupid are we?!
 14. Realism, optimism and pessimism
 15. family planning

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Date:    Tue, 16 Sep 1997 03:08:38 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Some College Humor

* Even though I was an engineering student at the University of
  Maryland, chemistry was a required course in my day.  The Professor,
  on the first day of class, asked everyone to name the most outstanding
  contribution chemistry had made to society.
    When my turn came, I answered, "Blondes !"
                                - - - - -

*   In one class, the Professor asked anyone to explain how they would
  measure the height of a building using an Aneroid Barometer.
    One student, short of knowledge but long on ingenuity replied, "I
  would lower the barometer on a string and measure the string."
                                - - - - -

*   The professor of an economics class asked for an example of
  unremunerative outlay of capital.
    One student replied, "Taking one's sister out to dinner and the
  movies."
                                - - - - -

*   Jumping back in time again, when I was attending the University of
  Maryland, I was asked by the bursar's office to pay a $20 "Incidental
  Fee."  I asked them how many incidents that entitled me to.
                                - - - - -

*   A soft whistle came from the rear of the chemistry lab as a really
  curvaceous coed in a tite-fitting outfit walked across the front of the
  room.
    "Relax," said the whistler's partner, "She's three-fourths water."
    "Yeah !" came the enthusiastic reply, "But what surface tension !"
                                - - - - -

*   A coach was being congratulated on getting a lifetime contract at a
  famous medical school.  "I guess it's all right," he said, "but the
  last time when the coach had a bad year, the President called him to
  his office, pronounced him dead, and fired him."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 16 Sep 1997 07:44:33 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Top Ten

 Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:

 10.  Nuts...my shaft is bent
 9.   After 18 holes I can barely walk
 8.   You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
 7.   Look at the size of his putter
 6.   Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
 5.   Mind if I join your threesome?
 4.   Stand with your back turned and drop it
 3.   My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
 2.   Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired

 And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:

  1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first
	******************************

 Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't:

 10. Have you looked through her briefs?
 9.  He is one hard judge!
 8.  Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
 7.  His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
 6.  Is it a penal offense?
 5.  Better leave the handcuffs on.
 4.  For $200 an hour, she better be good!
 3.  Can you get him to drop his suit?
 2.  The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

 And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:

  1. Think you can get me off?
	******************************

 Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't:

 10. I need to whip it out by 5.
 9.  Mind if I use your laptop?
 8.  Just stick it in my box.
 7.  If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
 6.  I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
 5.  HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
 4.  My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
 3.  It's an entry-level position.
 2.  When do you think you'll be getting off today?

 And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:

 1. It's not fair...I do all the work while she just sits there!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 16 Sep 1997 08:22:21 -0400
From:    David Burns <burnsd@GISCO.NET>
Subject: Fire !  <sexual content>

A fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife, " We've got a
great system down at the fire department. When Bell 1 rings, we put our hats
on. When Bell 2 sounds, we slide down the pole. And when Bell 3 goes off, we
board the trucks. From now on, we're going to run this household the same
way. When you hear Bell 1, I want you to take all your clothes off. When you
hear Bell 2, jump into bed. And when you hear Bell 3, we're going to fuck all
night long." Later that night, when the couple got to their bedroom, the
fireman yelled, "Bell 1!" and his wife took her clothes off. When he yelled,
"Bell 2!" she jumped into bed. And when he yelled, "Bell 3!" they began to
fuck. A few minutes later, the fireman's wife bellow, "Bell 4!"
"What the hell is Bell 4?" he demanded. "I need more hose!" came the reply. "
You're nowhere near the fire!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 16 Sep 1997 05:29:10 PDT
From:    david jeffries <david_jeffries@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: PrincessDi <Offensive to a royalist or Di fan>

I don't know why so may people were surprised about what
happened to Di- people were talking about Chuck and Di
long before the bulimia and the accident...

What's the last thing Di said to Dodi before they went
out for the night?
Let's go out and get smashed.

And now she's as dead as a Dodi.

Did you know she was on the phone at the time of the
accident?
And on the steering wheel, and on the dashboard...

And the last thing she said to him?
Where will we crash tonight?

All is forgiven. The queen has given Fergie a trip
for two to Paris. with dinner at the Ritz and a chaffeur.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 16 Sep 1997 08:17:48 -0700
From:    Roger Taranto <RTARANTO@US.ORACLE.COM>
Subject: New TV set (religious)

Have you heard about the new TV set that fixes itself?

It's a Christian Science monitor.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 16 Sep 1997 09:18:30 -0700
From:    Larry Saunders <lsaunder@PEPPERDINE.EDU>
Subject: Great Britain Beer Festival (inoff)

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the
brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.  The guy
from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like
the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it
to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the
world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."

The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with
Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."

He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a
Coke."

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he
ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask
"Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness
president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer,
neither would I."


--
Larry K. Saunders; Systems & Instructional Technologist
The Graziadio School of Business and Management
Pepperdine University

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 16 Sep 1997 12:38:23 -0400
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: old age <poss off to elderly>

An 83-year old women decided that she'd seen and done
 everything, and the time had come to depart from this world.
 After considering various methods of doing away with herself,
 she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest way
  method would be to shoot herself through the heart.
 The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where
  her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him.
  He told her that her heart was located two inches below
  her left nipple.
  So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 16 Sep 1997 12:37:46 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: More barbs from the AJC's The Vent

Jesse Helms gives new meaning to the phrase, "Only the good die
young."

When you watch the way Jesse Helms acts, one can only wonder how Newt
Gingrich could possibly be the most unpopular American politican.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Box Score: Princess Di, 30-plus pages; Mother Teresa, two pages.
Effect on the real world: Princess Di, negligible; Mother Teresa,
inestimable.

I have a coupon that expires on Sept 31, 1997. Does that mean it will
never expire?

I'm the master of my house and I do what I please. What I say goes.
But, then again, I'm single and I live alone.

The first thing I do when I get up in the morning is go make sure my
purse and my7 husband's wallet are still here.

No matter how beautiful a woman is, someone, somewhere is tired of
her.

If you are a Caucasian African-American from South Africa, which box
do you check on the form?

I went to the bank yesterday to try to withdraw my daylight savings.

Every day I learn new words that exist only in the world of crossword
puzzles.

The more I work around teenagers the smarter Forrest Gump gets.

Fellow drivers: it's okay to use your turn signals, really, it is.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 16 Sep 1997 14:52:15 -0400
From:    "Narasimhan, Seshadri" <NarasimhanS@BERNSTEIN.COM>
Subject: Rabbi up to the bar, boys <off. to Rabbis>

>From a friend of mine:
A Rabbi walks into a bar to use the restroom. He walks up to the
bartender, and asks "Can I please use the restroom?" The  place was
hoppin' with music, and dancin', till they saw the Rabbi. The bartender
says "I really don't think you should."

The Rabbi again, asks, "Can I please use the restroom?" Well,  the
bartender says to the Rabbi, "I really don't think you should, you see,
there is a statue of a beautiful naked lady, and she's only covered by a
fig leaf!"

The Rabbi responded with, "Nonsense a man of my stature will not be
bothered by that statue!"  Well, the bartender showed the Rabbi the door
at the top of the stairs.

The Rabbi proceeded to the restroom, and after a few minutes, he came
back out, and the whole place was hoppin' with music and dancin' again!
He went to the bartender and said "Sir, I don't understand,  when I came
in here, the place was hoppin' with music and dancin', then the place
became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and the place is
hoppin' again."

The bartender says, "Well, now you're one of us, can I get you a drink?"
 The Rabbi says, "I still don't understand." The bartender told him,
"You see, every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go
out in the whole place. Now, can I get you a drink?"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 16 Sep 1997 15:29:56 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: When things go wrong (off. language)

When things go wrong as they usually will and your daily road seems all
uphill, when funds are low and debts are high, when you try to smile but can
only cry, and you really feel that you'd like to quit, don't run to me -- I
don't give a shit!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 16 Sep 1997 15:27:30 -0500
From:    Greg Maes <maesg1@VITEK.COM>
Subject: BEER TROUBLESHOOTING FLOW CHART

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING FLOW CHART

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT:   Glass empty.
ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT:   Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION:  Retire to ladies room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT:   Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION:  Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT:   Improper bladder control.
ACTION:  Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her house training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT:   You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT:   You are being carried out.
ACTION:  Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT:   You have fallen over backward.
ACTION:  Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT:   You have fallen forward.
ACTION:  See above.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT:   Bar has closed.
ACTION:  Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT:   Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION:  Cover mouth.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 16 Sep 1997 17:48:37 -0400
From:    "Thomas E. Foster" <tfoster@EN.COM>
Subject: Fw: Texas humor ???  .Possible offense to rednecks

                       EAST TEXAS RULES OF ETIQUETTE

                               PERSONAL HYGIENE

 - While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
   done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
 - Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
   However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
 - Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend
   to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.

                                  DINING OUT

 - When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour
   slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
 - If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
   covering the label.

                          ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

 - A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
   taxidermist.
 - Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his
   manners are.

                         DATING (Outside the Family)

 - Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
   Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to
   go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two
   years ago."
 - Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
   say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer,
   it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

                              THEATER ETIQUETTE

 - Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
   after the movie has ended.
 - Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
   they can't hear you.

                                   WEDDINGS

 - Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

 - Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

 - For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
   and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

 - Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
   occasion.

                              DRIVING ETIQUETTE

  - Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is
    loaded, and the deer is in sight.
  - When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
    always has the right of way.
  - Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
  - When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
    ask her to bring back beer.
  - Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
  - Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

                            TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

 - Never take a beer to a job interview.
 - Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
 - It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
 - If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
 - Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
   considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 16 Sep 1997 21:36:59 EDT
From:    Jena M Bolin <just.jena@JUNO.COM>
Subject: How stupid are we?!

I recently was flipping thru an instruction manual when I came upon a
page that said:
                        THIS PAGE INTENDED
                        TO BE BLANK.

How stupid do they think we are?  And what's this say about them?

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 17 Sep 1997 06:18:39 GMT+2
From:    "M.Schyff" <schyffm@KBPNFS03.ESKOM.CO.ZA>
Subject: Realism, optimism and pessimism

Which of the following are YOU.......?

A long, low pitch tone comes on over the radio

The realist : Knows it's a test signal and waits for regular
                 programming to continue.
The optomist : Thinks it's a new punk alternative hit and feels great
                 to be one of the first to hear it.
The pessimist : Thinks it's an intercepted message from aliens who
                  have come from another world to invade Earth. He
                  then goes into hiding in an old bomb shelter for  six months.

A strange, suspicious figure in a trenchcoat comes walking up to the
front door.

The realist ... Is suspicious and speaks to the stranger through
                  locked doors and/or windows and pretends that he is
                  not alone at home by calling on other people.
The optomist ... runs up to the stranger with open arms thinking it is
                  a long lost uncle coming to bring him a million
                  dollar inheritance
The pessimist ... cocks his 12 gauge shotgun, dons his bulletproof
                   jacket, barricades all the doors and windows,
                  and phones his lawyer just to make sure his last
                 will and testament is in order.

While driving, an insect is noticed flying around inside the car...

The realist... stops the car and opens all the windows to let the
                  insect out
The optimist... stops the car and closes all the windows and tries to
                  catch it as it may be a rare butterfly
The pessimist... stops the car and checks his first aid kit to see if
                 he has anti-venom for killer-bee stings


* If all the world is a stage, and we are but mere actors, I'd like to
  have a word with the Director.              Faaiz

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 17 Sep 1997 06:22:35 GMT+2
From:    "M.Schyff" <schyffm@KBPNFS03.ESKOM.CO.ZA>
Subject: family planning

After having there 10th child, a Texas couple decided that
that was enough. So they went to their doctor (a Californian) & told
him that they didn't want anymore children. The doctor told them that
the usual procedure was vasectomy but the clinics were all full & that
there was a cheaper, more effective method.
The doctor said to the husband that he should go home, get a thunder
flash, put it in a can & hold it up to his ear & count to 10.
The Texan then said to the doctor, "I may not be very smart, but I
don't see how putting a thunderflash in a can next to my ear is going
to help."
So the couple drove to New York for a 2nd opinion. The doctor was
about to explain the procedure of vasectomy when he noticed they were
from Texas. The doctor then told the husband to go home, get a
thunderflash, put it in a can, hold it up to his ear & count to 10.
Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit
a thunderflash, put it in a can, held it up to his ear began counting
1...2...3...4...5... at which point he paused, placed the can between
his legs & resumed counting on his other hand.

ps. Please don't try this at home.
Byeeeeeee

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 16 Sep 1997 to 17 Sep 1997
************************************************
