HUMOR Digest - 15 Sep 1997 to 16 Sep 1997
There are 15 messages totalling 860 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. <HUMOR> Penis for a day and Michael Jackson
  2. Kids !
  3. What Computer??
  4. Rules (off. to women)
  5. Cannibals (disgusting)
  6. Sick Princess Di jokes from the UK
  7. MBA's vs Lawyers (poss off to Lawyers)
  8. <HUMOR> car wrecks and despised occupations
  9. Various 'jokes' with an Indian flavour
 10. HUMOR - German word for H-Bomb
 11. DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO MEN  <Adult> Part 2 of 2
 12. Purple Cow Poem: Sequel
 13. Top5 - 9/16/97 - Wrong Mount Everest Guide
 14. Maybe Your Wife & Dog Are FBI Agents
 15. Park-visitors questions - strange but true.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 15 Sep 1997 13:59:16 +0800
From:    Dr Michael Robertshaw <MROBERT@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: <HUMOR> Penis for a day and Michael Jackson

A quickie first on Michael Jackson told by comedian Junior Simpson:

Michael Jackson decided that he stay at home one evening to watch a
video. His bodyguard said, "Shall I get Aladdin?". To which Michael
said, "Nooo. I'll just watch a video."


Original source unknown, but came to me via Geoff at Rhoda@imap2.asu.edu

A survey asked women what they would do if they woke up and had a
penis for the day.  These responses were taken from the survey:

I would walk around and prod him all night long with it, whatever he is
doing I'll be there prodding him with it.

I would write my name in the snow.

I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say
"where is my raise?

I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him & tell him to roll
over & try something new.

I would want a big one and show it off to everyone.

I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed.

I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing.

I would measure it both ways.

Pee off of a tall building.

I would get racked to see if it really hurts.

I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed.

I would see what a woman felt like on the other end.

I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day.

Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit
the water and not pee all over everything.

Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it.

I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot.

Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to
see what was the best.

Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around.

See how many donuts I could carry with it.

Check out my boyfriends gag reflexes.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 15 Sep 1997 03:30:43 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Kids !

* A sixth grade girl was assigned homework to write about her family.
  Either she didn't know much about football, or knew an awful lot
  about her brother.  She wrote: "I have a 16 year old brother.  He
  plays on the school's football team.  He's an offensive throwback."
                                - - - - -

* Husband to wife: "Well, I'll say this.  When they start requesting
  a blonde baby sitter instead of a brunette, they're old enuff to
  stay home alone."
                                - - - - -

* My son always claimed the fifth commandment was written wrong.  He
  said it should read, "Humor thy Father and thy Mother."
                                - - - - -

*   When my Granddaughter was about nine, my wife was telling her the
  fable of the princess and the frog.  The one where the Princess let
  the frog spend the nite in her room, and in the morning, he turned
  into a handsome Prince.
    Our Granddaughter looked at Mrs. JimJr dubiously.  She asked the
  girl, "What's the matter, don't you believe the story honey ?"
    "No !" replied our Granddaughter, "And I'll bet the Princess'
  Mother didn't either."
                                - - - - -

* Pajama-clad tot calling out to family: "I'm going upstairs to say my
  prayers now.  Anyone want anything ?"
                                - - - - -

*   Tommy had reached school age.  His Mother managed with a blast of
  propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea.  She bought him
  lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he'd meet and so on.
    Came the first day, he eagerly went off and came back home with a
  lot of glowing reports about school.
    Next morning when she woke him up, he asked "What for ?"  She told
  him it was time to get ready for school.
    "What, again ?" he asked.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 15 Sep 1997 07:58:55 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: What Computer??

    Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:
   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
 "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
 "What sort of trouble?"
 "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.",
 "Went away?"
 "They disappeared."
 "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
 "Nothing."
 "Nothing?"
 "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
 "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
 "How do I tell?"
 "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
 "What's a sea-prompt?"
 "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
 "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
 "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
 "What's a monitor?"
 "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have
  a little light that tells you when it's on?"
 "I don't know."
 "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
  goes into it. Can you see that?"
 ......"Yes, I think so."
 "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
  the wall."
 ......"Yes, it is."
 "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
  cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
 "No."
 "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
  cable."
 ......"Okay, here it is."
 "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
  your computer."
 "I can't reach."
 "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
 "No."
 "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
 "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's
  dark."
 "Dark?"
 "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from
  the window."
 "Well, turn on the office light then."
 "I can't."
 "No? Why not?"
 "Because there's a power outage."
 "A power outage!? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have
  the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
 "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
 "Good! Go get them, unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
  when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
 "Really? Is it that bad?"
 "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
 "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
 "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 15 Sep 1997 07:59:41 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Rules (off. to women)

                         Rules for Women
                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  1. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great
     time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister;

  2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute
     going out to dinner;

  3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our
     friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew or
     the local Patagonia store;

  4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?

  5. Butthead is the smart one;

  6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?

  7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about;

  8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and
     "the relationship";

  9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the
     dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping;

 10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are,
     watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking
     out the beer;

 11. Socks never work as a gift;

 12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to
     look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some
     speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby;

 13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask;

 14. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this
     happens;

 14. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this
     happens;

 15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act;

 16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to
     do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld";

 17. Curley is the bald one;

 18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of
     yours;

 19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just
     accept that;

 20. Its in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together;

 21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal
     Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and
     Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary
     Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to;

 22. Making love on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of
     conversation afterward is not;

 23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball
     game are even better;

 24. No, you can't have the remote control;

 25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever
     leave us alone;

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 15 Sep 1997 08:41:55 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Cannibals (disgusting)

   Cannibal Jokes
   --------------
   Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this
   taste funny to you?"

   When do cannibals leave the table?
   When everyone's eaten.

   What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show?
   A celebrity roast.

   Where do cannibals shop for fine furniture?
   Eatin' Allen's.

   What did the cannibal give his wife for Valentine's Day?
   A box of farmer's fannies.

   What do cannibals eat for dessert?
   Chocolate covered aunts.

   What do cannibals make out of politicians?
   Bologna sandwiches.

   What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
   The cold shoulder.

   What is a cannibal's favorite game?
   Swallow the leader.

   Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant?
   Dinner costs an arm and a leg.

   Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food?
   He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.

   Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for
   buttering up his teacher?

   Cannibal: One who loves his fellow man with gravy.

   Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.

   One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn't like.

   Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, "Gee, I hate my
   mother-in-law." The 2nd replies, "So, try the potatoes.

   The first cannibal asked the 2nd cannibal, "Aren't you done eating
   yet?" The 2nd cannibal replied, "I'm on my last leg now."

   One day a cannibal visited the neighboring island of cannibals. There,
   people cost $2 but politicians cost $25. The visiting cannibal asked,
   "How come politicians cost so much?" The chief answered, "Do you know
   how hard it is to clean one of those?"

   A man gets captured by cannibals and every day they poke him with
   spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy
   calls the chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but
   I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 15 Sep 1997 09:38:16 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Sick Princess Di jokes from the UK

Simon Morris sends these examples as some of the best examples
of Princess Di gallows humor:

Q: What had Henri Paul been drinking?
A: 4 wallbangers and 7 chasers

Q: What did Dodi say to Henri Paul?
A: Do you want to come for a drive with me and Di

and following a trend of Lada (rust bucket East European autos that
no-one acknowledges owning) jokes:

Q: What's the difference between a Lada and a Mercedes?
A: Di wouldn't be seen dead in a Lada

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 15 Sep 1997 06:43:44 -0700
From:    Larry Saunders <lsaunder@PEPPERDINE.EDU>
Subject: MBA's vs Lawyers (poss off to Lawyers)

Three lawyers and three MBAs are traveling by train to a conference.  At
the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three MBAs
buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an MBA.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all
three MBAs cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly
after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting
tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.  So after the
conference, the lawyers decide to copy the MBAs on the return trip and save
some money (recognizing the MBAs superior intellect). When they get to the
station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their
astonishment, the MBAs don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an MBA.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the
three MBAs cram into another one nearby.  The train departs. Shortly
afterward, one of the MBAs leaves his restroom and walks over to the
restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says,
"Ticket, please."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 15 Sep 1997 11:21:00 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <HUMOR> car wrecks and despised occupations

I told this joke at a recent staff meeting.  The response was quite, um,
strong.  However, I am certain that it will soon be spread throughout the
admissions community as our folks head out to visit high schools and
college night programs this fall.

For the record, I last heard it applied to Microsoft salespersons.
                            ***********

A couple of admissions reps were traveling a back country road on their
way to a college fair.  They were in a school car which had
Nixtwissenschaft University logos painted on it and was crammed with all
sorts of recruiting materials.

As fate would have it , they had a terrible accident and the car flipped off
the road into the ditch.  A couple of days later the Nixi U Safety Patrol
folks came upon the wrecked auto, but there was no sign of the occupants!
The SP folk went to a nearby farmhouse to see if they could find out what
had happened to their reps.

When they asked the farmer if he knew anything about the wreck he allowed
as how he had come across it the morning after it happened.   The SP
officers asked about the occupants and he said that they were both dead
so he had buried them.

"Oh my," said one of the Officers, "You say they were both dead."

'Yup," replied the farmer, "Least ways as far as I could tell.  One of them
claimed he wasn't, but you know how them Admissions Reps lie!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 15 Sep 1997 12:22:16 -0400
From:    "Narasimhan, Seshadri" <NarasimhanS@BERNSTEIN.COM>
Subject: Various 'jokes' with an Indian flavour

Taken (and adapted) from the Times Of India
(http://www.timesofindia.com) dated 15th September 1997

A doctor got a call from an excited woman "My son just swallowed ten
Aspirins, what should I do?''
He replied, "Give him a headache, what else?''

The visitor to the zoo noticed one of the keepers sobbing quietly in a
corner. On inquiring, he was told that the elephant had died.
"Fond of him, was he?'' the visitor asked.
"It's not that.'' Came the reply. "He's the chap who has to dig the
grave.''
- by Saket Kumar, Bihar

A mechanic in an undergarments factory regretful that he could not make
a career for himself in engineering writes in his autobiography: "I
could not get a chance in software engineering so I tried my hand in
softwear engineering. ''
- by Pawan Kinger, Rishikesh

Q: What did one tonsil say to the other?
A: Are you ready? The doctor is taking us out tonight.
- by Mayank Gupta, Jaipur

Scout Master: Have you done any good turn to-day?
Three scouts stood up together and said ``Yes, sir''.
S.Master: What did you do?
Scouts: We led a blind man across the road.
S.Master: That won't need three boy scouts!
Scouts: Actually the blind man did not want to cross the road!
- by C.K.Mani, Pune

Raghu: Vivek, do you know swimming?
Vivek: No.
Raghu: With so much of water around you why can't you swim?
Vivek: With so much of air around you why can't you fly?

Saurav: How old are you?
Gaurav: Pushing thirty.
Saurav: From which direction?
- by Shouvik, New Delhi

Q: What happens if Peter fails in the final examination?
A: He will become a Re-Peter!

Q: What is in front of a woman and back of a cow?
A: "W'!
- by B.P.Venkatesh Karthik, Bangalore

If you really want to loose weight, there are only three things you must
give up: Breakfast, lunch and dinner.
- by Anupam Singh, Dhanbad

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 15 Sep 1997 15:59:19 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR - German word for H-Bomb

Eargesplittenlautenboomermitgrossemholeingrundundalleskaput

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 15 Sep 1997 17:10:46 -0400
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO MEN  <Adult> Part 2 of 2

  DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO MEN ABOUT WHAT WOMEN WANT:

 "Nowadays it seems like they want....other women. No, uhh....some
women  want zero from a man, and others want lots of zeros from a man.
Let's see, the myth is that women want:  Brad Pitt in the bedroom, Brad Pitt
in the kitchen, Brad Pitt around the house, Brad Pitt during a game, Brad
Pitt when they're sick, Brad Pitt in conversation, the body of Brad Pitt in
'Legends of the Fall' combined with the voice of Brad Pitt, and to top it all
off the IQ of Fabio on two bottles of NyQuil.

Another myth is that a woman must be married by a certain age or she'll never
find stability.  Hey, I've got news for you, ladies:  looking to men for
stability is like going to Crispin Glover for  psychoanalysis, all right?

And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who are
dangerous.  As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much,
and ride a motorcycle without a helmet.   The reality? Women don't like guys
who are dangerous.  Women want us to think that because women are trying to
kill us.

Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on women is about as
reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda sorta, maybe think
women want from men.

 1. Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.
 2. If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly
    steer her  away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.
 3. Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power
    they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent affordable
    child care. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and
    get off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more assholes in
    Congress blathering about orphanages.
 4. Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys.  Look at...
    say Carl, the brain-dead jagoff in the cubicle next to you.  You
    could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless,
    toady idiot. Now imagine making 30 percent less than Carl.
    Hellooo!!!!!!!!!
 5. This is very important:  During lovemaking: Don't ask, "Who's your
    daddy?" Even as a joke. All right?  It's not funny.  Think ABOUT  IT!!
 6. When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words
    are kind of important.
 7. Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to
    have women their own age in their videos.
 8. Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should
    know if she came.
 9. Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions.
10. When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your
    sleep, take it like a man.

So, guys, at the end of the what women want is this: equal pay, fair
treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a genuine effort
at understanding who they really are.  Or if that's too much to ask, how
about a big fucking diamond the size of your head?

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 15 Sep 1997 20:36:45 -0400
From:    Charles Tidwell <ctidwell@SOUTHERN.EDU>
Subject: Purple Cow Poem: Sequel

        The Purple Cow

  I never saw a purple cow,
  I hope I never see one;
  But I can tell you anyhow,
  I'd rather see than be one.

                       Gelett Burgess, 1895
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
  Ah, yes I wrote "The Purple Cow"--
    I'm sorry now I wrote it!
  But I can tell you anyhow,
    I'll kill you if you quote it.

                       Gelett Burgess, 1900
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
        A Nightjar

  I never heard a nightjar;
  I hope I never hear one,
  But I can tell you near and far,
  I'd rather hear than rear one.

                       Eugene T. Maleska

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 15 Sep 1997 22:47:37 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 9/16/97 - Wrong Mount Everest Guide

                       September 16, 1997

  The Top 16 Signs You've Chosen the Wrong Mount Everest Guide

16> The last three days, all you've had to eat is s'mores.

15> Every morning greets the group with, "Wonder who'll die today?"

14> Doesn't worry about provisions, as there's bound to be a
    Starbucks or McDonald's every half mile or so.

13> Gets lost in the "Sherpa Shack" gift shop.

12> Makes everyone do upside down shots off the St. Bernard's
    collar.

11> First day's preparation devoted entirely to making snow angels.

10> Every 10 minutes, stops and yells, "RICOLA."

 9> Throws a fit when her stiletto heel gets stuck in the ice.

 8> Has everyone stick their tongues to a cherry popsicle "for
    practice."

 7> Keeps repeating, "Is it me, or is it cold up here?"

 6> "Map, schmap -- you see the top from here!!"

 5> Two words: Golf Clubs.

 4> Forgets to wear socks with his sandals.

 3> Keeps using the oxygen tanks to make balloon animals.

 2> Every so often, turns and screams, "Stop following me!"

and the Number 1 Sign You've Chosen the Wrong Mount Everest Guide...

 1> Squeezes your ass then yells, "Hey, if we get stranded we can
    live off Tubby here for a week!"


[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 15 Sep 1997 21:05:27 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Maybe Your Wife & Dog Are FBI Agents

MAYBE YOUR WIFE AND DOG ARE FBI AGENTS
by Bill Hall, Lewiston, Idaho Tribune, Sunday, August 31, 1997

The intriguing question is not how many latter-day Nazis, militia
members and defiant racists now live in Idaho.

The intriguing question is what percentage of them are FBI undercover
agents.

That question is probably not half so intriguing to me as it is to
latter-day Nazis, militia member and defiant racists.  It's the sort of
question that could make a person itchy if he is a regular at extremist
meetings and goes out for a beer afterward with one of the boys.

If that really is one of the boys?

Or is that one of the G-men?  Is it one of THEM?

The strange part is that the few hundred political oddballs who have
taken up residence in Idaho in the past few years tend to be kind of
paranoid without any help.  They tend to see government agents
manipulating everything in this society.  And they're probably wrong
except for their own meetings where the guy presiding may be an FBI
undercover agent.

Or maybe it's you, brother.  Or maybe you, sister.

Or maybe it's me.  We could be everywhere.  We may even be you.  That's
how strange you are.  You could be us and we could be you and you would
never know for sure.

If I thought like that, I'd go hide in the hills, too.

The great tidal change in all of this is that the prime targets for
undercover infiltration by federal agents today are more on the right
than on the left.  A generation and more ago, it was the opposite.  The
anti-war movement probably included dozens of long-haired, tie-died FBI
agents.

And in the generation before that, it was generally and probably
accurately suspected that a fair percentage of the members of the
American Communist Party were FBI agents.  Without those federal dues
the American Communist Party might have been even more anemic than it
was -- perhaps too weak to survive.

But it boggles the mind to realize that some of the cookies brought to
the fund-raising bake sales of the American Communist Party were baked
from ingredients purchased at government expense.  Thus the Communist
Party was the only political organization during those years enjoying
the luxury of government subsidized dessert.

Similarly, today a certain percentage of the folks hanging out in Idaho
are some sort of federal agents willing to undergo the humiliation of
putting on a shrunken T-shirt and riding around Idaho in a pickup truck
with their beer guts hanging out, their agent wives in the back and
their federal bird dogs sitting in the warm cab beside them where a good
Idaho bird dog belongs.

As an Idaho native, cringing at each overdone national news report on
the bizarros of Idaho, I take solace in knowing that whatever the
alleged number of racist, government-hating survivalists, the actual
number is somewhat less because a certain percentage of these people are
feds and therefore don't count.  A certain percentage of them don't
actually hate the government.  They are the government.

And maybe some of the county commissioners and school board members and
city council people and even the congressmen around here aren't really
as far out as they pretend.  There couldn't be that many of them in one
little state without federal infiltration.

I just hope if Congressman Helen Chenoweth actually is a federal agent
infiltrating the Idaho delegation that she isn't doubled-dipping by
drawing both salaries.

Actually, if I were an Idaho extremist (and I am, but of a different
sort), I would be most suspicious of the people who appear to be most
loyal to the movement.  It is human nature when posing inside an
organization to go a bit overboard and try to appear so fervent that you
leave no one in doubt as to your alleged loyalty.

Thus the more loyal a person seems to be to white American
constitutionalist causes of the oppressed white males, the more likely
that person is to be a faker.

As far as I'm concerned, if I were in an organization like that, I
wouldn't trust anybody but my bird dog (and sometimes he has a hint of
the police dog in his eyes).

Of course, you can always trust the kids and the missus.

Well, at least some of the kids.  And the missus, for sure.

On the other hand, you better not forget her birthday if you know what's
good for you.  Sometimes you rile a woman and she'll go to work for
THEM!  For all you know, you may be sleeping with an FBI agent.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 15 Sep 1997 21:10:20 -0700
From:    "Dr. L. A. Wilson" <Allen_Wilson@BC.SYMPATICO.CA>
Subject: Park-visitors questions - strange but true.

Zion National Park:
"What is your best parking area?"

Mount Rainier National Park:
"Where's the road to the summit?"

Indiana Dunes National Lakeshore:
"Don't you think the polluted sky makes a much prettier sunset?"

Grand Canyon National Park:
"Was this man-made?"
"Do you light it up at night?"
"I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom - where is it?"
"Is the mule train air-conditioned?"
"So where are the faces of the presidents?"
"Why did the Indians only build ruins?"

Everglades National Park:
"Are the alligators real?"
"Are the baby alligators for sale?"
"Where are all the rides?"
"What time does the two o'clock bus leave?"

Mesa Verde National Park:
"Did people build this, or did Indians?"
"Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?"
"Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?"
"What did they worship in the kivas - their own made-up religion?"
"Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?"

Carlsbad Caverns National Park:
"How much of the cave is underground?"
"So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?"
"Does it ever rain in here?"
"How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?"
"So what is this - just a hole in the ground?"

Yosemite National Park:
"Where are the cages for the animals?"
"What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?"
"What happened to the other half of Half Dome?"
"Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?"

Denali National Park:
"What time do they let the animals out in the park?"
"What time do you feed the bears?"
"What's so wonderful about Wonder Lake?"
"Can you show me where yeti lives?"
"How often do you mow the tundra?"
"How much does Mount McKinley weigh?"

Yellowstone National Park:
"Does Old Faithful erupt at night?"
"How do you turn it on?"
"When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?"
"We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?"

Rocky Mountain National Park:
"At what altitude do the deer become elk?"
"Hurry, all the elk are leaving the park and running away,
        you have to close the gate!!"
"Why do you have a cast on the elk's neck?"
(Ranger's answer: "That's not a cast, that's a tracking collar.")

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End of HUMOR Digest - 15 Sep 1997 to 16 Sep 1997
************************************************
