HUMOR Digest - 14 Sep 1997 to 15 Sep 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 489 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. "Pulp Fiction" Joke
  2. Men at Golf <some profanity>
  3. Dr. Seuss (offensive lang.)
  4. Irish Joke <offensive to Irishpersons?>
  5. Daily Prayer <poss. off. to religious>, Lady Di
  6. Savoring (2)
  7. Humor -  Ear Shaped Chocolates
  8. Advise from Dennis Miller <Adult> Part 1 of 2
  9. HUMOR List Traffic Report

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Date:    Sat, 13 Sep 1997 23:35:05 -0700
From:    Nathen Luppino <nluppino@LINKNET.KITSAP.LIB.WA.US>
Subject: "Pulp Fiction" Joke

        My first joke submitted to Humor...

There were three tomatoes walking down the street: a Papa tomato, a Mama
tomato,& a Baby tomato. After a little bit of walking, Baby tomato starts
lagging behind & Papa tomato is getting really mad. So finally Papa tomato
goes to Baby tomato & steps on him & says catch up (Ketchup).

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 14 Sep 1997 03:36:11 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Men at Golf <some profanity>

*   On a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon, Kurt stood on the first
  tee at his country club.  He had just pulled out his driver when a
  young woman in a wedding gown came running up to him, crying.
    "You bastard !" she screamed in his face.  "You lousy no-good God
  damn stinking bastard !"
    "What's your problem Mattie ?"  he calmly replied.  "I distinctly
  told you only if it rained."
                                - - - - -

*   MacDermott and MacDuff were sitting in the clubhouse, in front of
  the fireplace on a raw, blustery day.  The freezing rain was beating
  against the windows as their breads thawed out.  Outside, the wind
  from the North Sea roared with gale force.
    The pair were silent for a long time over their whiskeys.  Finally,
  MacDermott spoke, "That was quite a round of golf.  Same time next
  Saturday ?"
    "Aye," MacDuff replied, "weather permitting."
                                - - - - -

* If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball
  on the course sometime.
                                - - - - -

*   A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.  Thinking
  he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that
  he knew nothing whatever of the game.
    The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said "Just hit the ball
  toward the flag on the first green."
    The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and
  onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
    "Now what ?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
    "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally
  said, after he was able to speak again.
    "Oh great !"  NOW you tell me." said the beginner in a disgusted tone.
                                - - - - -

* One golfer to another:  First it was my marriage; now, the magic has
  gone out of my nine iron too.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sun, 14 Sep 1997 10:43:11 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Dr. Seuss (offensive lang.)

DR. SEUSS'  LESSER-KNOWN BOOKS
==============================

1.   The Cat in the Blender
2.   Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3.   Fox in Detox
4.   Who Shat in the Hat?
5.   Horton Hires a Ho
6.   The Flesh-Eating Thorax
7.   How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8.   Your Colon Can Moo--Can You?
9.   Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
12. Are You My Proctologist?
13. Yentl the Lentil
14. My Pocket Rocket Need A Socket
15. Aunts in My Pants
16. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff
17. The Grinch's Ten Inches

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Date:    Sun, 14 Sep 1997 13:27:45 EDT
From:    Charley B Tyson <charleyt@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Irish Joke <offensive to Irishpersons?>

Pat came upon his friend hanging from a tree limb by a rope around his
waist.

"Mike, what are you doing hanging there like that?"

"I'm hanging myself; I don't care  to live any longer."

"But, Mike, to do that, you need to put the rope around your neck."

"Faith,  and I did, but I couldn't get me breath."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 14 Sep 1997 21:33:27 GMT+2
From:    "M.Schyff" <schyffm@KBPNFS03.ESKOM.CO.ZA>
Subject: Daily Prayer <poss. off. to religious>, Lady Di

LORD, grant me the Serenity to Accept the things I cannot Change
the Courage to change the things I can
and the Wisdom to Hide the Bodies of those people
I had to Kill because they Pissed Me Off.
--------------------

2 Lady Di Quickies

Koos : Did you hear? Lady Di was on the radio.
Sarie : How's that when she died in a crash two weeks ago.
Koos : Ja. She was on the radio, the dashboard, the windscreen, ...

Besides Elton John and George Michael, the Swedish band Roxette
were at Lady Di's funeral as well. They were reported to be singing
their hit song: 'Crash, Boom, Bang'.

A Lady Di classic... reference to Charles and Di's MARRIAGE...

Q: Why is Prince Charles' penis red?
A: He dips it in Di (dye)


*The world is full of mysteries, I'm one of them.

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Date:    Sun, 14 Sep 1997 14:03:25 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Savoring

SAVORING LIFE

To watch a child is to know what it means to be "living in the moment."
Ever see a child enthralled with a bug?  The child will spend hours
studying the bug, oblivious to everything else around him.  Nothing
present or past matters, just the movement of that bug.

We could learn a lot from that child.  But we could learn more from the
bug, which, with the big eyeball staring down at him, knows his life is
as cheap as a child's whimsical decision to crush him.

Though the child is living "in the moment," the bug is living "only for
the moment."

In a sense, we are all living only for a moment.  So scurry and try to
look busy, my friend, for God has a short attention span and is just
waiting to grind you to pieces with one satisfying crunch of his heel.

By Rich Hall, from Self-Help for the Bleak, Copyright 1994

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 14 Sep 1997 21:14:20 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: Re: Savoring

	[Personal message deleted for Archival Purposes]

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 14 Sep 1997 16:51:23 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor -  Ear Shaped Chocolates

          Holyfield lawyers chew out 'ear candy' makers

 LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Evander Holyfield isn't too sweet on a candy maker's
latest creation -- ear-shaped chocolates that have Mike Tyson-sized bites
taken out of them.

 The heavyweight champ's lawyers have sent the Candy Factory, a
cease-and-desist letter to halt sales of the "Earvander-Tyson Bites."

 Candy Factory owner Frank Sheftel started selling the chocolates soon
after the June 28 fight in which Tyson was disqualified after biting off a
chunk of Holyfield's ear.

 Sheftel said Friday he won't stop selling the ears, even if it means a
tussle in court.  "This is a symbolic gesture," he said, picking up one of
the pairs of red boxing gloves he keeps on a counter. "I can take it, what
do they say, from ringside to courtside? But I'm hoping it won't go that
far."

 Sheftel said he has sold about 300 boxed pairs of chocolate ears and made
about $600 profit.

 The letter from Holyfield's lawyers accuses Sheftel of using the champ's
likeness without his permission. It demands that he stop selling chocolates
and turn over his proceeds from their sale.

 Another chocolate version of Holyfield's ear also is being sold at some
Southern California candy stores. Entrepreneur Carlos Sepulveda's "Evander
Holey Ear" also bears bite marks. The ears go for $3.50 each and have made
Sepulveda several thousand dollars.

 Copyright 1997   The Associated Press. All rights reserved.


* Candy is dandy, but sex won't rot your teeth.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 14 Sep 1997 19:54:08 -0400
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Advise from Dennis Miller <Adult> Part 1 of 2

DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO WOMEN ON WHAT MEN WANT:

 "I know the myth is that men want:

 Traci Lords in the bedroom, Julia Child in the kitchen, Hazel around
 the house, Lesley Visser during a game, Mary Poppins for the children,
 Cha Cha Muldowney in traffic, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Chick when we're
 sick, Mary Richards at work, Mother Theresa when we come home with
 leprosy, Gertrude Stein in conversation, the body of Sophia Loren in
 'Boy on a Dolphin' combined with the voice of Sade, and to top it all
 off, the IQ of Anna Nicole Smith, because we don't want to feel too
 threatened.

 So if that's the myth of what we want, what's the reality?  Well,
 first put that Cosmo article down right now and back slowly away from
 the magazine.  Now go to the window and take a deep breath.  You must
 clear your head of bullshit articles like "How to Trick Your Man
 into Cooking Tex-Mex".  Trick me?  How about asking me?  And then I'll
 be able to tell you I don't have a fucking clue what Tex-Mex is, okay?!

 All right, I'm not supposed to do this.  I'm not supposed to reveal
 the master list to all you non-tripods, but what the hell; here goes:
 Here's what men want from women.  One through Ten:

 1. We want you to understand that we don't give a shit about clothes,
    all right?  Yours OR ours.  All we need is one pair of tennies and
    one pair of church shoes.  That's it.
 2. Don't talk to us while the television is on, all right?  Very simple:
    Television is off, we talk.  Television is on, we don't.
 3. When you're behind the wheel of a car, if you want to get aggressive,
    that's fine, but don't give somebody the finger and expect me to
    defend your honor when Steroid Lad comes over swinging a pair of
    nunchucks, all right?
 4. Would it kill you to watch 'The Godfather' with me for the
    fifty-seventh time?
 5. Hey I'm sorry, but some of us see a beautiful sunset and think,
    "You know, I betcha my accountant is boning me up the ass."
 6. You go see Nell by yourself, all right?  I met enough chicks like
    that at "The Drink" when I was single.
 7. Have a sense of humor.  Without a sense of humor, a relationship
    lasts about as long David Duke at a Black Panther meeting.
 8. Work out your job-related anger before we have sex.  Just because
    Helmut, the office boy, brought you the CUP of lima bean consomme
    instead of the BOWL of lima bean consomme from Soup Plantation, I
    don't want to end up in the friction burn groin ward at Cedars-Sinai,
    all right? 
 9. Don't ask us to cry.  As much as you say you want us to cry, you
    don't really want us to cry.  You hate it when we cry.  I've tried
    crying in front of my wife.  She enjoyed it for about thirty seconds
    & then started thinking, "Why in the fuck did I marry this hamster?"
10. Be patient.  Hold us.  Love us unconditionally.  Help us out of this
    testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and lead us into the light.  Or
    if that's asking too much, how's about a big sloppy blowjob once in
    a while?"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 15 Sep 1997 00:08:44 -0400
From:    Jim <jimphynn@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: HUMOR List Traffic Report

Hi, everyone!  This is Jim, with this week's Traffic Report.  I send
this to the contributors' list weekly, and once a month the report goes
out to the entire HUMOR list.

  Before I get into this month's report to all of you, let me correct
myself from last month.  The year is NOW two-thirds over.  I used a
little bit of erroneous math a month ago when I divided the eighth
month of the year by twelve monts in a year.  Too bad that math would
only have held water at the end of the month as opposed to the
beginning.

  So now as we stand here, three quarters of the way into the year (I
say that solely to bother the math majors out there...), I welcome all
of the college students back to campus and all of the Virgoes proudly
displaying their, um, virgonity.

  You are invited to become a contributor if you haven't already done
so.  All you need to do is send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command GET
HUMOR GUIDE and take the test at the end of it.  Be warned that a
violation of HUMOR's rules can and will result in suspension of the
privilege (and it's not a right) to post to the list.  The rules are
largely governed by netiquette, and we therefore protect the freedom of
expression of our contributors, as long as they don't become
quarrelsome or unruly.

  HUMOR's website is slowly growing.  About two or three weeks ago I
added a new page on it.  It is open to suggestion or addition as anyone
might feel necessary.  As I do not consider it anything beyond an
experimental stage at this time (it still doesn't have any images on
it; I'm open to suggestions in this area), it is completely unlinked
from the rest of the website, but you are invited to visit it anyway.
Direct your browsers to
http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/stupid.html.  This was inspired by
an article posted here a few weeks ago about how people have gotten
into trouble because they have taken some things a bit too seriously...

  If you have any questions, feel free to email me at
jimphynn@mindspring.com; I have been experiencing a few growing pains
in the past month with my new computer, but everything is more or less
working out for the best right now.  Feel free, also, to visit my home
page at http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn, or HUMOR's site at
http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/humor.html


               Traffic Report for HUMOR, 7 September - 13 September

                  (Number of articles posted each day)


                  4 Weeks  3 Weeks  2 Weeks   1 Week    Last

Date   Day          Back     Back     Back     Back     Week


   7  Sunday          9        5        5        4        8
   8  Monday         11       10       13        8       12
   9  Tuesday        10       10       10       12       10
  10  Wednesday       4        9       10       14       10
  11  Thursday       17       13       12       14       10
  12  Friday         14       11       10       17       11
  13  Saturday        3        2        4        3        8

   Average           9.7      8.6      9.1     10.3      9.9

Subscriptions       9 390    9 245    9 058    8 848    8 819
Countries            100      103      103      103      103
Contributors         761      722      714      703      705


These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin board,
area distribution lists, etc.  These numbers include both concealed
and non-concealed subscribers.


        HUMOR is dispatched daily to the following countries:


Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Belarus, Belgium,
Belize, Bolivia, Botswana, Brazil, Brunei Darussalam, Bulgaria, Canada,
Chile, China, Colombia, Cook Islands, Costa Rica, Croatia, Cuba, Cyprus,
Czech Republic, Denmark, Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador, Estonia, Federal
Republic of Yugoslavia, Fiji, Finland, France, Georgia, Germany, Great
Britain, Greece, Guam, Guatemala, Hong Kong, Hungary, Iceland, India,
Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Jordan,
Kazakhstan, Kenya, Korea, Kuwait, Latvia, Lebanon, Lithuania,
Luxembourg, Macedonia, Malaysia, Malta, Mauritius, Mexico, Moldova,
Morocco, Mozambique, Namibia, Netherlands, New Zealand, Northern Ireland,
Norway, Pakistan, Peru, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Qatar, Quebec,
Romania, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Scotland, Singapore, Slovakia, South
Africa, Soviet Union, Spain, Sri Lanka, Suriname, Sweden, Switzerland,
Taiwan, Thailand, Trinidad and Tobago, Turkey, Uganda, Ukraine, United
Arab Emirates, Uruguay, USA, Venezuela, Zambia, Zimbabwe

                             Total countries: 103


                 Email me if your country is not listed here.

-----

And now for my usual contribution of humor:

Subject:  "I've been kidnapped by K-Mart!"

Excerpted from the book _Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest,_ (c) 1996 by John J
Kohut and Roland Sweet.  Subject line from the movie 'Ruthless
People.'

Kidnappers who abducted Gildo dos Santos near his factory in a suburb
of Sao Paolo, Brazil, demanded $690000, but Santos escaped.  The next
day, Santos got a phone call asking for $11500 to defray the cost of
the abduction.  After negotiating a discount of 50 percent, Santos
called police, who were waiting when Luiz Carlos Valerio showed up to
collect payment.
-----

   Jim Goldman,  HUMOR list Traffic Reporter and Webmaster

jimphynn@mindspring.com        http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn

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End of HUMOR Digest - 14 Sep 1997 to 15 Sep 1997
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