HUMOR Digest - 13 Sep 1997 to 14 Sep 1997
There are 8 messages totalling 366 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Secretaries <adult humor>
  2. A Room for the Night
  3. Things a Southerner Would Never Say (offensive to Southerners)
  4. how gullible are we?
  5. Get rid of telemarketers <Off to telemarketers>
  6. Elvis vs Bill Gates (May offend Elvis or Bill Gate's fans)
  7. hard questions
  8. Where did we go wrong?

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Date:    Sat, 13 Sep 1997 03:46:51 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Secretaries <adult humor>

* The pretty secretary wasn't saying much on the phone, just
  sitting there listening and smiling sweetly.  Finally, she hung
  up the phone and said to the girl at the next desk, "That was my
  boyfriend.  His boss must have walked in.  He said he wanted to
  thank me for giving his firm a shot at my prime location."
                                - - - - -

*   The middle aged secretary had never been married and had had enuff
  of work, as well as the single life.  It was no secret that she was
  looking to get married.
    As she came back from her lunch hour with another bag from the drug
  store, a co-worker said, "In the past 3 weeks you've bought enough
  birth control pills to last a year, lots of vaginal foam, flavored
  douches, several diaphragms and Lord knows how many condoms.  And you
  don't even have a boyfriend.  Whom are you trying to seduce ?"
    She smiled slyly and replied, "The Druggist, silly."
                                - - - - -

* There's a axiom in the business world that's too often overlooked by
  many.  There's nothing that ends up being more expensive than a pretty
  secretary who's free for dinner.
                                - - - - -

*   Noticing that her boss' fly was open, the embarrassed secretary told
  him, "Your garage door is open."
    The bewildered exec didn't know what she meant at first until she
  pointed.  He quickly zipped up and said, "I hope you didn't see my
  super deluxe Cadillac."
    "Nope." she replied. "Just an old pink Volkswagen with 2 flat tires."
                                - - - - -

*   The attractive secretary was inclined to brag way too much about her
  "dates" to suit the other women in the office.
    One day, she was going on and on about a Texan who had treated her
  like a Queen all evening and at the end of the date, gave her 2 hundred
  dollar bills for "cab fare."
    "Imagine that."  came a voice from the other side of the file cabinets,
  "A hundred-and-eighty dollar tip."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sat, 13 Sep 1997 06:41:25 -0400
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: A Room for the Night

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed -- I
don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the
manager,"and he might be glad to split the cost.   But to tell you the
truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained
in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning John, came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. "Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring,then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time?"
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," John
said.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful.'
With that he sat up all night watching me."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 13 Sep 1997 09:35:57 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Things a Southerner Would Never Say (offensive to Southerners)

 We don't keep firearms in this house.
 Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
 You can't feed that to the dog.
 I thought Graceland was tacky.
 No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
 Wrasslin's fake.
 Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
 We're vegetarians.
 Do you think my hair is too big?
 I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
 Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
 Who's Richard Petty?
 Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
 Deer heads detract from the decor.
 Spitting is such a nasty habit.
 I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
 Trim the fat off that steak.
 Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
 The tires on that truck are too big.
 I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
 I've got it all on a floppy disk.
 Unsweetened tea tastes better.
 Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
 My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
 I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
 Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
 Checkmate.
 She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
 Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
 Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
 I don't have a favorite college team.
 I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
 Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
 Elvis who?
 Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 13 Sep 1997 13:51:34 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: how gullible are we?

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho
Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we
have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of
everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a
petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical
"dihydrogen monoxide."

And for plenty of good reasons, since:
       1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
       2. it is a major component in acid rain
       3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
       4. accidental inhalation can kill you
       5. it contributes to erosion
       6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
       7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.
        Forty-three (43) said yes, six (6) were undecided,
        and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.

The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"

He feels the conclusion is obvious.

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Date:    Sat, 13 Sep 1997 16:38:13 -0400
From:    David Burns <burnsd@GISCO.NET>
Subject: Get rid of telemarketers <Off to telemarketers>

HOW TO GET RID OF TELEMARKETERS

1.  If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy
and could sure use some money.

2.  If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to
know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care
these days and I have all these problems.  My sciatica is acting up, my
eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."  When they try to get back to the
sell, just continue your problems.

3.  If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their
name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it
located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their
company for as long as necessary.

4.  This one works better if you are male:

Telemarketer:  "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel
services....

You:  "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky
voice) what are you wearing?"

5.  Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise,

"Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my God! Judy, how have you BEEN?"

Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to
figure out where the hell she could know you from.

6.  Say, "No", over and over.  Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep
an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the  most fun if you
can keep going until they hang up.

7.  If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Friends and Family
plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't  have any
friends...would you be my friend?"

8.  If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can?  Well, how about
goat blood or HUMAN blood.

9.  Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary
feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "Thats
fascinating."  Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you.
 They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit
card number to someone thats a complete stranger.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example:

	Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."

	You: "Watertronics!!  Hey I work for them too.
       	      Where are you calling from?"

	Telemarketer:  "Uh, Dallas, Texas."

	You: "Great, they have a group there too?  How's business/the
              weather?  Too bad the company has a policy against selling
              to employees! Oh well, see ya."

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set  the
receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my God!!!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone
number you will call them back.  If they say they are not allowed to give out
their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call
them at home. (This is usually the most effective method of getting rid of
Telemarketers.)

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 13 Sep 1997 18:28:43 -0400
From:    Jay Harman <jharman@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Elvis vs Bill Gates (May offend Elvis or Bill Gate's fans)

>From PC Week 9/8/97

Top 10 Similarities between Elvis and Bill Gates

Elvis used to live in Memphis
Bill Gates currently lives for "Memphis"

Elvis got fat
Gates developed FAT

When Elvis first appeared, folks were shocked by his appearance
     and some thought he was the Antichrist
Ditto

One daughter:   Lisa Marie
Jennifer Katherine Gates, born April 26, 1996

Elvis kept the world at arm's length with the Memphis Mafia
Say hello to Mr. Ballmer, Mr. Myhrvold, Mr. Maritz, Mr.
     Silverberg, Mr. Herbold

Elvis' Aloha from Hawaii concert was beamed into millions
     of homes
Bill's Internet Explorer may have peered into millions of
     home computers

Wherever he performed, Elvis always stole the stage
Gates has een accused of stealing platforms

RCA constantly finds ways to repackage the same old
     hits on CD
Microsoft will release Windows 98 in the near future

Elvis lived in a big mansion with an interior some
     people would find strange
Gates lives in a mansion where the interior, strangely,
     can find people

Elvis told Nixon he'd like to be an investigator for
     the government
The bovernment constantly tells Gates it would like to
     investigate him

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 13 Sep 1997 18:57:38 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: hard questions

A little girl and her mother were out and about.  The girl, out of the
blue, asked her mother, "How old are you?"

The Mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age.
You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy. How much do you weigh?"

Her Mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't
talk about.  You'll learn this, too, as you grow up".

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off
another question, "Mommy?  Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

The Mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey,
that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it
now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a
friend's house to play.  She consults with her girlfriend about her and
her mother's conversation.  The girlfriend says, "All you have to do
is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license.  It's just like a
report card.  It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again.  The
little girl starts off with, "Mommy, I know how old you are.  You're
32 years old."

The Mother is very shocked.   She asks, "Sweetheart how do you
know that?"

The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know.  And I know how much
weigh.  You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know.  And I know why you and daddy
got a divorce.  You got an 'F' in sex."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 13 Sep 1997 19:27:31 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Where did we go wrong?

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son had
turned out, and went to see his rabbi about it.

"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very
expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate
him.  Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a
Christian.  Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the rabbi.  "Like
you, I too brought my boy up in the faith, put him
through university, cost me a fortune, then one day he
too comes and tells me he has decided to become a
Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the lawyer.

"I turned to God for the answer", replied the rabbi.

"And what did he say?" pressed the lawyer.

"God said, 'Funny you should come to me ...'  "

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End of HUMOR Digest - 13 Sep 1997 to 14 Sep 1997
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