HUMOR Digest - 12 Sep 1997 to 13 Sep 1997
There are 11 messages totalling 396 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Money Market
  2. POLITICS
  3. Di redux
  4. Speedy Dads <offensive to civil servants>
  5. Twins (Adult)
  6. Hard time (adult humor)
  7. History?
  8. Humor - More Headlines (6 of 6)
  9. [JOKE] Mickey's Divorce <poss. offensive language>
 10. Engineers ...
 11. Metric Conversion Chart

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Date:    Fri, 12 Sep 1997 03:56:49 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Money Market

*   An account executive at a stock-and-bond firm telephoned an
  elderly woman client who had purchased her first stock -- one
  hundred shares of Proctor & Gamble.  He told her that he had just
  heard they were going to split.
    "Oh !  What a shame."  she lamented.  "I'm so sorry to hear that.
  And, they've been together for so long too."
                                - - - - -

*   Before the days of check encoding, everything was done manually.
  Being a "Junior" at the same bank with my Father often caused some
  interesting mix-ups.
    Since my Father used his account for business, he would deposit
  the checks from his customers.  One time, a rather large check
  bounced and they deducted it from my account.
    A quik phone call to the manager promised prompt action.  Well,
  what they did was deduct it again, leaving me quite over-drawn.
    I called again to straighten it out, but before I could explain,
  the person at the bank said, "Mr Moore, we would appreciate it very
  much if you would revert to the old system of you banking with us."
                                - - - - -

* Yuppette leaving withdrawal window at a bank to friend: "That's what
  I love about banks.  They never ask you what you're going to do with
  all the money you withdraw."
                                - - - - -

* Standing in line at a bank, I couldn't help but wonder if the fellow
  I overheard requesting a loan had any luck.  His request for a loan
  was to "tied me over until my credit cards are no longer maxed out."
                                - - - - -

* Bank President to employees: "And when Mr. Bigget's son begins work
  here tomorrow, he'll have no special privileges or authority.  I want
  you to treat him as you would anyone who was due to take over full
  ownership of this bank from his Father in a year or two."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Fri, 12 Sep 1997 07:07:26 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: POLITICS

POLITICS - From the greek POLY meaning many and TICKS meaning little blood
sucking creatures

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 12 Sep 1997 11:36:04 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: Re: Di redux

This is from another list:

Aside:  A friend in England described Di's funeral as
        "the biggest in American history."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 12 Sep 1997 07:58:17 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Speedy Dads <offensive to civil servants>

Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the
time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship.  He said, "My dad's way faster
than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fastball from the pitcher's mound
and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate!"  One of the other
boys said, "Oh yeah?  Well my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to
the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bullseye!"  The
last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster than mine.
My dad's a civil servant, and even though he works every day until 4:00 he
gets home at 3:30!"

from J. Pilger

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 12 Sep 1997 09:05:36 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Twins (Adult)

There were identical twin brothers by the name of Jones. John was married and
Joe was single, but owned a small, delapidated boat.

It happened that the same day John's wife died, Joe's boat sank. A kind old
lady met Joe on the street and, mistaking him for his brother John, said,
"Oh, Mr. Jones, I'm sorry to hear of your great loss. You must feel
terrible." Joe said, "Well, I'm not a bit sorry. She was rotten from the
start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of old fish from the
first time I got on her. She made water faster than anything I've ever seen.
She had a bad hole in the front and a big crack in the back. The hole kept
getting bigger everytime I used her. It got so I couldn't handle her at all."

"When anyone else used her, she leaked all over the place. What finished her
though, was four guys from the other side of town came over looking for a
good time. They asked if they could use her. I rented her to them, but warned
them that she wasn't too hot. They still insisted that they would like to
give her a try. The result was that the crazy fools all tried to get into her
at once. Well, the strain was too much for her and she cracked right down the
middle."

The old lady fainted.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 12 Sep 1997 15:04:12 +0200
From:    =?ISO-8859-1?Q?Liz=E9_L=FCbbe?= <lubbe@INTEKOM.CO.ZA>
Subject: Hard time (adult humor)

The fifty-year old son was complaining to his 75 year old father: "Dad,
lately I've been having a problem with impotence. Tell me, do you have the
same problem? Is it something that runs in our family?"
"Well," his father replied, "I don't know about your mother's side of the
family, but I've never had reason to complain. Why, when I was a lad, I
would work up a good hard-on, hang a bucket of water from it, and walk the
full length of a football field. But nowadays my knees give in when I'm
half way."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 12 Sep 1997 13:23:00 EDT
From:    Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: History?

(NEW version of an oft reposted goody)

...kind of makes you wonder what the state of the world will be when
university students write like this...


Those who forget history--and the English language--may be condemned to
mangle both.  Historian Anders Henriksson, a five year veteran of the
university classroom, has faithfully recorded his freshman students'
more striking insights into European history.  Possibly as an act of
vengeance, Henriksson has assembled these fractured fragments into a
chronological narrative from the Middle Ages to the present.

During the Middle Ages, everyone was middle aged.  Church and state
were co-operated.  Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords, and
surfs.  After a revival of infantile commerce, merchants appeared.
Those roamed from town to town exposing themselves and organizing big
fairies in the countryside.  The Crusades were expeditions by
Christians who were seeking to free the holy land (the "Home Town" of
Christ) from the Islams.

In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular.  Finally,
Europe caught the Black Death.  It was spread from port to port by
inflected rats.  The plague also helped the emergence of English as the
national language of England, France, and Italy.

The Middle Ages slimpared to a halt.  The renesance bolted in from the
blue.  Life reeked with joy.  Italy became robust, and more individuals
felt the value of their human being.  Italy, of course, was much closer
to the rest of the world, thanks to northern Europe.  Man was
determined to civilise himself and his brothers, even if heads had to
roll!  It became sheik to be educated.  Europe was full of incredable
churches with great art bulging out of their doors.  Renaisance
merchants were beautiful and almost lifelike.

The Reformnation happened when German nobles resented that tithes were
going to the pope, thus enriching Catholic coiffures.  The popes were
usually Catholic.  An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a
church door.  Theologically, Luthar was into reorientation mutation.
Anabaptist services tended to be migratory.  Monks went right on seeing
themselves as worms.  The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th century.

After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal.  If the
Spanish could gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold
throughout northern Europe that would include Italy, Burgangy, central
Europe and India thus surrounding France.  The German Emperor's lower
passage was blocked by the French for years and years.

Louis XIV became King of the Sun.  He gave people food and artillery.
If he didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows to row for the
rest of their lives.  Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation.

In Russia, the 17th century was known as the time of the bounding of
the serfs.  Russian nobles wore clothes to humor Peter the Great.  Peter
filled his government with accidental people; orthodox priests became
government antennae.

The enlightenment was a reasonable time.  Voltaire wrote a book called
Candy that got him into trouble.  Philosophers were unknown yet, and
the fundamental stake was one of religious tolerance slightly confused
with defeatism.

France was in a serious state.  Taxation was a great drain on the state
budget.  The French revolution was accomplished before it happened.  The
revolution catapaulted into Napolean.  Napoleon was ill with bladder
problems and was very tense and unrestrained.

History started in 1815.  Industrialization was precipitating in
England.  Problems were so complexicated that in Paris, out of a
population of 1 million people, 2 million able bodies were on the
loose.

The middle class was tired and needed a rest.  The old order could see
the lid holding down new ideas beginning to shake.  Among the goals of
the chartists were universal suferage and an anal parliment.

A new time zone of national unification roared over the horizon.
Founder of the new Italy was Cavour, an intelligent Sardine from the
north.  Culture formented from its tip to its top.  Dramatized were
adventures in seduction and abortion.  Music reeked with reality.
Wagner was master of music, and when he died they labeled his seat
"historical."

World War I broke out about 1912-1914.  At war people get killed, and
then they aren't people any more, but friends.  Peace was proclaimed at
Versigh, which was attended by General Loid, Primal Minister of
England.  President Wilson arrived with 14 pointers.  In 1917, Lenin
revolted Russia.

Germany was displaced after WW1.  This gave rise to Hitler, who
remilitarized the Rineland over a squirmish between Germany and France.
Mooscalini rested his foundations on 8 million bayonets and invaded Hi
Lee Salasy.  Germany invaded Poland, France invaded Belgium, and Russia
invaded everybody.  War screeched to an end when a nukleer explosion
was dropped on Heroshima.  A whole generation had been wipe out, and
their forlorne families were left to pick up the peaces.

The last stage is us.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 12 Sep 1997 13:27:18 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - More Headlines (6 of 6)


From book: Headlines compiled by Jay Leno.


Young man,20,wants job on stud farm w/rm., prefer to work for lady.

Leno: Nice work if you can get it.
                   *********

Need: Plains Clothes Security. Must have shop lifting experience.

Leno: Hmmm ...murder, burglary, assault...Sorry, we're looking for someone
      with shoplifting experience.
                   *********

Air Traffic Control. FAA accepting applications now. No aviation experience
necessary.

Leno: At least at the other job you had to have some shoplifting experience.
                   *********

Surgical Assistant. No exp. nec. We will train you.

Leno: I hear this is the job you get if you're turned down as the security
      guard or air traffic controller.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 12 Sep 1997 16:01:59 +0100
From:    Daniel Israel <disrael@IA-US.COM>
Subject: [JOKE] Mickey's Divorce <poss. offensive language>

It seems that after 50 years of marriage, Mickey Mouse has filed for a
divorce from Minnie.

While in court, the judge says to Mickey, "Now, let me get this straight,
you want to divorce Minnie because she's insane?  I don't know if I can do
that..."

to which Mickey replies, "I didn't say she was INSANE!!  I said she was
FUCKING GOOFY!"


http://www.best.com/~akeem

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 10 Sep 1997 21:46:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Engineers ...

From: Daniel Chenault
*******************************

The Top 10 Things Engineering School Didn't Teach

10. There are about 10 types of capacitors.

9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.

8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.

7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it,
   except the complex math, which you will never use.

6. Always try to fix the hardware with software.

5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab
   every day for the rest of your life.

4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?

3. Engineers, rule the world until the next revision.

2. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, then you should go
   into software.

1. Dilbert is a documentary.

			*******************

Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.


---
Borrow money from pessimists,they don't expect it back.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 12 Sep 1997 19:09:20 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Metric Conversion Chart

>From: Varda Ullman Novick <vunovick@netcom.com>

   10**12 Microphones = 1 Megaphone
       10**6 bicycles = 2 megacycles
      500 millinaries = 1 seminary
    2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
             10 cards = 1 decacards
         1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
          10**-6 fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
          10**12 pins = 1 terrapin
       10**21 picolos = 1 gigolo
           10 rations = 1 decoration
          100 rations = 1 C-ration
        10 millipedes = 1 centipede
       3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
         5 holocausts = 1 Pentacost
          10 monologs = 5 dialogues
          5 dialogues = 1 decalogue
          2 monograms = 1 diagram
            8 nickles = 2 paradigms
         2 snake eyes = 1 paradise
            2 wharves = 1 paradox

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA

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End of HUMOR Digest - 12 Sep 1997 to 13 Sep 1997
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