HUMOR Digest - 11 Sep 1997 to 12 Sep 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 456 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. HUMOR - More Breeds of Dogs
  2. Mothers
  3. She/He Definitions (probably off. to men/women)
  4. Suicide <Inoffensive>
  5. Most Embarrassing (Adult Humor)
  6. Egg and Scientists (off. to scientists)
  7. FW: Hunter's tale
  8. <humor> Sam's Peanuts
  9. Newsquirk--
 10. Program disclaimer.

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Date:    Thu, 11 Sep 1997 01:54:23 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR - More Breeds of Dogs

 Great Pyrenees + Jack Russell Terrier = PyraJacks, don't bet on 'em

 Spaniel + Dachshund = Spandachs, in gyms everywhere

 Long Haired Terrier + Pit Bull = Hairy Pits, found throughout Europe

 Scotch terrier + Irish water spaniel = Scotch and water, served
  throughout England, as opposed to watered scotch, served throughout
  the USA

 Jack Russell Terrier + Labrador = A Jackdor, falls out windows trying
  to fly

 Cairn Terrier + Jack Russell Terrier = Cair Jack, can never find him
  when you have a flat tire.

 Highland Terrier + Jack Russell Terrier = Hijack, gets you in trouble
  on airplanes

 Pekinese + Rottweiler = Parrot, repeats everything you say

 Saluki + Shitzu = A Suzuki, goes for miles on a gallon of gas

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Date:    Thu, 11 Sep 1997 03:58:26 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Mothers

* Mrs. JimJr should have been a lawyer actually.  She missed her
  calling.  Every time we had an argument, and she felt she was on
  the losing side, she'd take it to a higher court -- her Mother.
                                - - - -

* Y'all should have met her Mother.  That lady was something.  During
  the early 60's, she was a consultant to the CIA.  They sent her to
  Vietnam to teach the South Vietnamese how to fight dirty.
                                - - - - -

* Mother greeting daughter's date: "You must be the one who defies
  description."
                                - - - - -

*   Two Mothers were playing the age-old game of bragging about their
  sons.  The first said, "My son is now a famous doctor in Columbia
  Maryland.  He just built a new home there that cost $ 850,000.00"
    "Well, my son is also doing just fine.  I'm afraid on the down
  side that he's decided he's gay.  But...  on the up side, he seems
  to have a nice 'friend' -- a famous doctor who just built a new
  $ 850,000 house in Columbia Maryland."
                                - - - - -

* Mother calling to daughter:  "Dreamboat, your barnacle is here."
                                - - - - -

*   A woman I know went to an HMO.  After about 15 minutes with one of
  the new doctors, she went screaming down the hall.
    Another doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she
  explained.
    The second doctor went back to the first and said, "What's is the
  matter with you ?  Mrs. Terry is 63 years old.  She has four grown
  children & seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant ?"
    The new doctor simply smiled and said, "Cured her hiccups though,
  didn't it ?"


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 11 Sep 1997 07:53:26 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: She/He Definitions (probably off. to men/women)

  Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n.
    female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological
            longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
      male: Food, sex and beer.

 Thingy (thing-ee) n.
    female: Any part under a car's hood.
      male: The strapfastener on a woman's bra.

 Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n.
    female: A woman who makes love to other women.
      male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch
            and get really turned on.

 Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n.
    female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to
            the upper levels in business.
      male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe
            took over the office one flight up.

 Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
    female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
      male: Playing ball without a cup.

 Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
    female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
      male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a
            weekend with the guys.

 Butt (but) n.
    female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes
            "look bigger."
      male: The organ of mooning (and farting).

 Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
    female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
      male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
            girlfriend.

 Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
    female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
      male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

 Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
    female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
      male: An endless source of enterainment, self-expression and male
            bonding.

 Making love (may-king luv) n.
    female: The greatest expression of intimacy that a couple can achieve.
      male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.

 Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
    female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
      male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2
            minutes.

 Taste (tayst) v.
    female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make
            sure it's good.
      male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior
            to tossing it out.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 11 Sep 1997 09:01:10 EDT
From:    Charles H Tidwell <charleyt@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Suicide <Inoffensive>

A woman came home to find her husband hanging from the ceiling by a
rope.  It was supposed to be noosed around his neck, for he apparently
wanted to commit suicide.  However, he had gotten the rope around his
neck with one arm through the noose too.  So he was hanging there,
not at all dead, noreven dying.

Said she to him, "You dumb fool; can't you ever do ANYTHING right?"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 11 Sep 1997 09:17:28 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Most Embarrassing (Adult Humor)

This was sent to me by a friend of mine, Len Davis.

The following are the first three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moment's
Contest in New Woman Magazine.
			- - - - - - - - - -
 "It was Christmas Eve, and I was on my feet all day working behind the
cosmetics counter. I decided I would find a place to sit for a moment.

 I spied a tall plastic trash can and plopped down, resting my feet on a
cardboard box. I allowed my body to ease into the can. About that time a few
customers came to the register to check out, but I couldn't get out of the
trash can. I was stuck; I couldn't believe it. The customers came around the
counter to help me - some pulled my arms while others held the can. Then my
manager came to the counter, wanting to know what was going on. He said he
was going to call the fire department, who blasted in with sirens and lights.
My hips had created a vacuum, so they had to cut me out of the trash can with
a giant pair of scissors."
			   -Linda Evans; Winter Park, Florida


 "While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some
pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after
receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that
if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished.

 To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, 'If you don't let me go *right now*, I will tell Grandma that I
saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'

 "The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity
and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard
when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter"
			   -Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia


 "It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my
parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a
romantic night alone. "As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the
telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a
piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't
have time to get dressed.

 When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a
whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts, uncles,
grandparents, cousins - and all my friends were standing there!

 My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for
what seemed like an eternity.

 "Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again."
			   -Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 11 Sep 1997 11:40:00 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Egg and Scientists (off. to scientists)

         THE LIFE OF AN EGG

     So you think your life is bad...
     Just think how bad the life of an egg is...

     You only get laid once
     You only get eaten once
     It takes 4 minutes to get hard and
     2 minutes to get soft
     You have to share a box with 11 other guys
     And the only chick that ever sat on
     your face was your mother

     Now don't you feel better???
	-----------------------------

 Comprehending Computer Scientists -- Take Three

 A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about
 what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked "Well,
 in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam.
 This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the
 oldest profession in the world."

 The civil engineer interrupted and said "But even earlier in the book of
 Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the
 earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most
 spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you
 are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world."

 The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled, and said
 confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"
	-----------------------------

 Comprehending Computer Scientists -- Take Two

 A programmer had been missing from work for over a week when finally
 someone noticed and called the cops. They went round to his flat and
 broke the door down. They found him dead in the still running shower with
 an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body. Apparently he'd been washing
 his hair.

 The instructions on the bottle said:

 Wet hair
 Apply shampoo
 Lather
 Rinse
 Repeat

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 11 Sep 1997 12:41:03 -0400
From:    "Pirkle, Randy (FSG)" <B06RKP@FEDERATED-DEPT-STORES.COM>
Subject: FW: Hunter's tale

From:  Hamrang, Dorothy (FSG)

Did you hear about the 2 guys who decided to try duck hunting? They bought
new outfits & equipment, and went out to a place in the woods where they
heard the hunting was really good. But after several hours of thrashing
through the woods, one fellow said, "I don't know about this. We've been out
here all day and haven't caught a single duck. Do you think we're doing
something wrong?"
    "I don't know," replied the other. "Maybe we're not throwing the dog up
high enough."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 11 Sep 1997 12:24:28 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <humor> Sam's Peanuts

David Massengill is a folk-singer and story-teller here in the US.  He tells
stories that come out of our traditional country folklore.  I recently heard
him in performance.  Here's one of the stories he told.

THE STORY OF SAM'S PEANUTS by David Massengill

I was born in Tennesee and my family had lived there for generations.
But, my mom would tell me stories about Nebraska where she was brought
up.  One summer when I was ten we visited there.  One side of her family
was the Herkelmyers and the other side was the Schlecktelmyers.  The
Schlecktelmyers had a farm.  We went to visit the farm and Aunt Gladys
gave us a tour.

Now, Aunt Gladys was a farm wife, she wasn't a dainty housewife.  She
liked to get out there, get her hands dirty and work on that farm.  She had
a good set of lungs.  When Aunt Gladys would call my cousins they said
they didn't know whether it was a chicken crowing or a human being.  She
could really yell out!

She showed us the fields, the cows, the chickens, the pigpen and, around
back behind the barn, was a workin' outhouse.  A pretty good-sized one.
Well, she opened up the door on the outhouse and there were two holes.  I
was fascinated with it and I asked her why there were two holes.  And she
said, "Courtin'."  Found out later that's Nebraska humor.

Now, there was a black walnut tree on the farm and she was gathering the
walnuts and putting them out in the sun.  She put them in a pile and
turned them over every ten minutes or so to dry them out.  She wanted to
make a walnut pie.  She was talking to the adults and every once and a
while she'd glance over at the nuts to see if they were all right.

Their big farm dog, Sam, kinda wandered over to where the black walnuts
were situated and stopped right there.  He started to rise up with his hind
leg and right at the moment of truth {ed.  the dog was going to pee} Gladys
caught him with her eye.  She yelled out, "Sam, you Son of a Bitch, don't
you piss on my nuts!!!!!"

Perhaps it was more innocent times, but I'd never heard a woman cuss like
that.  So I was impressed and we children was a little bit dumbfounded.
But my Grandmother Herkelmyer, who was very straight-laced,  started to
laugh.  So we took a cue from that and we laughted too.  Pretty soon the
other adults came over to see what was going on and as they were each
told the story they started to laugh too.  So we all laughed and laughed and
it did us a lot of good.

Around Christmas time, when we were back home of course, we children
thought we'd be very clever and remind Aunt Gladys of this event.  My
mother was going to call Aunt Gladys to wish her a Merry Christmas and
we children were going to get the chance to talk to her too.  We had the
youngest child memorize what to say to Aunt Gladys.  We said, "Laura, ask
Aunt Gladys if Sam's been peeing on her nuts lately."  We thought that was
such a clever way to phrase it, you know.

Well, Laura got on the phone and, even though she memorized it and
rehearsed and rehearsed, she got nervous.  And she said, "Aunt Gladys, ah,
ah, how's Sam's peanuts?"  So the story became known in our family as the
story of Sam's peanuts.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 11 Sep 1997 18:31:52 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Newsquirk--

One of our local papers features a column titled "Newsquirks" comprising
selected quirky news items.  A recent column included the following.

Suffolk, Va., high school student David Merrell finished first in regional
and state science fairs by demonstrating the effects of music on lab mice.
After the mice ran through a maze in about 10 minutes, Merrell played
classical music to one group and heavy metal to another for 10 hours a
day.  After three weeks, the mice exposed to classical music made it
through the maze in a minute and a half.  The rock-music group took 30
minutes.  Merrell added he "had to cut my project short because all the
hard-rock mice killed each other.  None of the calssical mice did that."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 12 Sep 1997 01:16:10 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: Program disclaimer.

Jonathan Marin a message which I want to share with you (Satirical)

"The preceding program portrayed New York City police officers engaged
in the vigorous pursuit of lawbreakers.  Viewers are reminded that only
fourteen laws are actually enforced in New York City, and that nine of
them are parking violations."
			(Proposed disclaimer for NYPD Blue.)

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End of HUMOR Digest - 11 Sep 1997 to 12 Sep 1997
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