HUMOR Digest - 10 Sep 1997 to 11 Sep 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 327 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Not the Brightest <adult humor>
  2. HUMOR: New breeds of dogs
  3. <HUMOR> Aphorism
  4. It could have been worse
  5. Man (offensive to everyone)
  6. On the beach <sexual>
  7. Top Ten: Why apple bought Power Computing
  8. consulting
  9. Humor - It's A Wacky World!
 10. Complaints <adult,PJ>

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Date:    Wed, 10 Sep 1997 03:02:02 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Not the Brightest <adult humor>

*   "Hello ?" the blonde responded answering the phone.  Hearing no
  response, she repeated, "Hello ?"
    "I'll bet you want me to come over and take you into the bedroom,
  undress you, lick you from head to toe, and then make mad passionate
  love to you until dawn." the male voice whispered.
    "Scheesch !  You're good." she replied.  "You mean you can tell
  all that from two hellos ?"
                                - - - - -

*   A devout Catholic woman was running late to Church, slipped and
  fell, skinning her elbows and knees, and splitting her skirt.
    Dazed and confused, she glanced up a saw a man staring at her
  from the Church steps.  "Are you OK ?" he asked.
    "Yes, but is Mass out ?" she asked.
    "No ma'am," he replied, "but your hat is on crooked."
                                - - - - -

*   While driving along the back roads to avoid the police, since they
  were overweight, the two truckers came upon a bridge with a sign
  that said "Clearance 11'6".  They knew their rig was slightly over
  12 feet so they stopped.
    "What do you think ?" one asked the other.
    "Oh hell, let's go for it." said the other.  "There's not a cop
  in sight anywhere."
                                - - - - -

*   The Office of Permits in the Maryland State Highway Administration
  got their first woman boss.  An after hours party was held in her
  honor and everyone had had quite a bit to drink.
    "Barbara," said one of her employees, "boss or no boss, I don't care.
  I still wantta get into your pants."
    "Lennie," she slurred back, "if you do, and I ever hear about it,
  you're fired !"


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Wed, 10 Sep 1997 06:37:56 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: New breeds of dogs

 For all you dog lovers out there, here are some of the lessor known
 breeds that are being bred in different parts of the United States,

 Crossbeed Dogs:

 Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

 Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

 Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

 Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

 Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a
   dog fresh and clean as a whistle

 Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat
   Retriever, the choice of research scientists

 Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for
   financial advisors

 Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

 Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

 Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't
   matter anyway

 Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

 Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

 Bull Terrier + Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 10 Sep 1997 09:29:29 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <HUMOR> Aphorism

The following is taken from the A Word A Day posting of the day:

Galbraith's Law:

Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there
is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof.


From: Wordsmith <wsmith@wordsmith.org>

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 10 Sep 1997 10:19:35 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: It could have been worse

 There was an old country sheriff who always said, "It could have been
 worse." No matter what happened, the old sheriff always had the same
 answer: "It could have been worse." One day, two deputies in the
 sheriff's office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they
 walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the
 bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room,
 they found the body of a man with a gun at his side. "No doubt about it,"
 one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide.
 This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot
 them both. Then he shot himself." "You're right," the other deputy
 replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff
 gets here he's going to say "it could have been worse." "No way. How
 could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them
 have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on."

 About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the
 bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room
 and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about
 it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and
 suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else
 and shot them both. Then he shot himself."

 After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies
 squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been
 worse." The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff,
 how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farm- house,
 and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse!" "Yes it
 could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he
 had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 10 Sep 1997 11:06:26 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Man (offensive to everyone)

A man has 27 parts that don't work for him.

        20 nails that don't nail
        1 belly button that doesn't button
        2 tits that don't milk
        1 cock that doesn't crow
        2 balls that don't bounce
        1 ass that doesn't do any work

So what are you women smiling at? You have a pussy that doesn't catch mice!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 10 Sep 1997 10:21:57 +0000
From:    Richard Russell <Rick@LERHOST.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: On the beach <sexual>

This couple were on a secluded beach going at it hell for
leather when all of a sudden the girl looks up and sees this
minister coming walking along the beach towards them. So out of
panic, she jumps up and legs it off in the opposite direction.
When the minister comes over to her boyfriend, he says:
'Oh sir, excuse me, I did not mean to scare off your bird!'
and the bloke replied:
'Ahh, Never mind, she'll not go too far...
..I managed to get three shots into her before she took off!'

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 10 Sep 1997 10:35:51 MST7MDT
From:    Scott Collier <Colliers@STUDENT.SUU.EDU>
Subject: Top Ten: Why apple bought Power Computing

(offensive to MAC users)

 TOP TEN REASONS WHY APPLE BOUGHT POWER COMPUTING

Apple's unofficial leader, Steve Jobs, has long been an
opponent of licensing the Macintosh OS. Last week, he had the
opportunity to act on his convictions--and he did just that by
purchasing key components of Power Computing, a Mac clone
manufacturer. Why did he do this? We have the top ten
reasons...


10. Traditional Apple strategy: invest in losing technology
9.  Needed a more loyal customer base
8.  More fun to invest in other companies than in new product research
7.  Steve Jobs's evil identical twin made the call ("Kill all clones!")
6.  Oops: meant to buy out sheep cloning facility, but paperwork got misrouted
5.  Only way Apple will be able to get its hands on inexpensive computers
4.  Proprietary platforms!  It worked for Novell, it'll work for us. Oh, wait a     second...
3.  Need manufacturing facility for new line of NeXT computers
2.  Power Computing has better technical support
1.  That Microsoft money had to go somewhere

(obtained from WWW.CNET.COM)


http://members.tripod.com/~scollier

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 10 Sep 1997 17:20:00 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: consulting

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical.  After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he
happily retired.  Several years later his company contacted him regarding
a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their
multi-million dollar machines.  They had tried everything and everyone
else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail.  In desperation, they
called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in
the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.  He spent a day studying the
huge machine.  At the end of the day he marked a small x in chalk on a
particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where
your problem is".  The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly
again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.  The engineer
responded briefly:

                 One chalk mark .. ..... .....      $1
                 Knowing where to put it ..... $49,999

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 10 Sep 1997 16:35:25 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - It's A Wacky World!

 Parents pressed into service as virtual pet-sitters;
 `Mom, You Killed It!'
 By Maggie Jackson, Associated Press, 09/10/97 13:11

 Sandy Beckwith didn't think much about it when her 7-year-old daughter
 asked her to baby-sit her virtual pet. Unfortunately, she didn't do much
 about it either.

 ``When she came home, the first thing she did was run to her pet and say,
 `Mom, you killed it!''' says the freelance writer from Fairport, N.Y.
 ``I  don't  get 'mother of the year' this year.''

 Just as Moms and Dads end up cleaning the cat box and taking Fido for
 walks, so parents are being pressed into service - often reluctantly and
 sometimes with embarrassment - as caretakers of the hottest toy of the
 moment: virtual pets.

 With schools banning them across the country, the egg-sized computer
 critters - which beep at all hours to be fed, cleaned, and amused - are
 being mistaken for pagers in executive pockets. They're keeping
 bleary-eyed parents awake at night. And they're sparking passions not
 usually associated with children's toys.

 Tamagotchi, the original computer pet, took U.S. markets by storm in May
 after proving a hit in Japan. Some 4.5 million Tamagotchi - a name
 derived from the Japanese words for egg and watch - have sold in this
 country for around $15 each, perhaps primed by a year of toy crazes that
 include the Tickle Me Elmo doll and Teenie Beanie Babies stuffed animals.
 A half-dozen competing cyber-dinosaurs, dogs, cats and other critters
 are also selling well.

 To smooth the problem, Tamagotchi's maker Bandai America Inc. recently
 began drawing attention to a pause option on its toy, which had been
 available since June 15 but which most children - and parents - haven't
 known about. At least one other competitor, the Tiger Electronics
 company that makes Giga Pets, is considering adding a pause function.

 But many other parents draw the line at cyber-sitting. Beckwith, who
 killed her daughter's toy, said that she might take care of it again,
 occasionally. ``It's hard to imagine arranging my schedule around this
 beeping electronic toy,'' she says.

 Eleven-year-old Nick Bradley says his friends get their mothers to
 baby-sit for their toys during the school day. But his Mom doesn't.

 ``She has a life,'' he says matter-of-factly.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 10 Sep 1997 09:34:48 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Complaints <adult,PJ>

   A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a
   train. Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started
   asking the man "Aren't they cute, what is their names?" The man
   giving the lady an angry look replied "I don't know". The lady asked
   again "which is a boy and which is a girl". The man looking
   angrier than before replied "I don't know". The woman then started to
   scold the man "What kind of a father are you ?".
   The man replied "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman
   and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company"

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End of HUMOR Digest - 10 Sep 1997 to 11 Sep 1997
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