HUMOR Digest - 9 Sep 1997 to 10 Sep 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 365 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Young Ladies <adult humor>
  2. A view on marriage  <clean>
  3. Mary Poppins
  4. HUMOR: orthodontist <off. W.Virginians>
  5. Tax Revision (adult content)
  6. Dear Ann Landers: (offensive to stupid people)
  7. Explaining the Tobacco Settlement
  8. More barbs from "The Vent" (Several Princess Di items)
  9. Priestly Change (inoff)
 10. Humor - More Headlines (4 of 4)

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Date:    Tue, 9 Sep 1997 03:59:13 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Young Ladies <adult humor>

*   While leading a party of girl scouts through the woods in silent
  Indian fashion, the troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing
  where a young couple was engaged in "69".
    "Back ladies, back !" cried the leader, "There's a very dangerous
  beast out there !"
    But it was too late, several of her charges had more-or-less seen
  all.  They asked their leader what was happening.
    "Well, if you...  er...  must know, they were practicing a brand
  new form or artificial respiration."
    "WOW !"  exclaimed the oldest of the group.  "I know which merit
  badge I'm gonna try for next."
                                - - - - -

* Speaking of the girl scouts, I understand that they're considering
  patch-type awards, much like a merit badge for not smoking and another
  for not using drugs.  Can't you imagine though if they designed one
  for abstaining from sex -- what picture would they have on it ?"
                                - - - - -

*   "Morning Mother," said the youngest, as she greeted her Mother in the
  kitchen for breakfast.  "were you very sick last night ?"
    "I wasn't sick at all sweetheart." replied the Mother, "Whatever made
  you ask that ?"
    "Well..." replied the daughter.  "I had to go to the bathroom last
  nite, and I heard Dad tell you to roll over and take your medicine as
  I passed your bedroom."
                                - - - - -

*   "Now, now," murmured the gynecologist soothingly to his obviously
  upset patient.  "there's really nothing to this at all, and it will
  soon be over anyway."  "Tell me," he added, "haven't you ever been
  examined like this before."
    "Well sure," gulped the teenager. "but never by a doctor."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Tue, 9 Sep 1997 13:08:55 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: A view on marriage  <clean>

"I never married because there was no need.
I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a
husband: I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot
which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night."
            Marie Corelli

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Date:    Tue, 9 Sep 1997 08:15:01 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Mary Poppins

 Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she
 decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist
 and asked for a room for the night. "Certainly madam", he replied
 courteously. "Is the resturant open still?" inquired Mary. "Sorry, no,"
 came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care
 to select something from this menu?"

 Mary smiled and tood the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like
 cauliflower cheese please," said Mary. "Certainly madam," he replied.
 "And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist
 nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs
 please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went
 up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next
 morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the
 desk. "Morning madam...sleep well?"  "Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
 "Food  to your liking?"
 "Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't
 think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't
 that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully. "Oh...well, perhaps you could
 contribute these thoughts to our Guest  Comments Book. We are always
 looking to improve our srevice and would value your opinion," said the
 receptionist.
 "Ok I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who then checked out, paused
 awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to
 continue her journey.

 Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had
 written.  Here it is.........

 "Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!!!

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Date:    Tue, 9 Sep 1997 09:11:46 -0400
From:    "Lara B. Little" <ali00lbl@UNCCVM.UNCC.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: orthodontist <off. W.Virginians>

I have an appointment with a new orthodontist next week, and while reading
the information sheet his office sent, I noticed that he received his
orthodontics degree from a college in West Virginia. My immediate comment
was, "But what if the tooth he learned to fix isn't the one I need work on???"

An orthodontics school in West Virginia. The humor possibilities are
endless...

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 9 Sep 1997 09:13:49 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Tax Revision (adult content)

FEDERAL & STATE TAX REVISION
SECTION 8 FOR 1997

The only thing you don't have to pay tax on is your pecker, this is due to
the fact that 80% of the time it is hanging there unemployed, 10% of the time
it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of this, it has
two dependents and they are both classified as nuts!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 9 Sep 1997 09:48:42 MST7MDT
From:    Scott Collier <Colliers@STUDENT.SUU.EDU>
Subject: Dear Ann Landers: (offensive to stupid people)

This was found in Sept. 9, 1997 paper

Dear Ann:
 Think you've heard everything? How about this: A teen-ager
held up a 7-Eleven store in St. Peters, Mo. When his car wouldn't start,
he went back into the store and returned the money. The two clerks helped him get his car started and then called the police -- 40 minutes later. When the
police arrived, the men said they didn't think to get the license number.
Beautiful, isn't it? -- Mr. X

 Dear Mr. X:
 Indeed it is. I've always thought of Philadelphia as the City of Brotherly
 Love, but St. Peters, Mo., is a serious contender for the title.


http://member.tripod.com/~scollier

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Date:    Tue, 9 Sep 1997 11:09:53 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Explaining the Tobacco Settlement

BLOWING SMOKE IN FRONT OF A FAN

BY DAVE BARRY August 10, 1997

Q: Could you please explain the recent historic tobacco settlement?

A: Sure! Basically, the tobacco industry has admitted that it is killing
people by the millions, and has agreed that from now on it will do this
under the strict supervision of the federal government.

Q: Will there be monetary damages assessed?

A: Yes. To compensate for the immense suffering caused by its products, the
tobacco industry will pay huge sums of money to the group most directly
affected.

Q: Lawyers?

A: Yes.

Q: Will the federal government also receive large quantities of money?

A: Of course.

Q: How will the tobacco industry obtain this money?

A: By selling more tobacco products.

Q: What if consumers stop buying tobacco products?

A: That would be very bad. That would mess up the economics of the whole
thing. The government would probably have to set up an emergency task force
to figure out ways to get people smoking again in order to finance the
historic tobacco settlement.

Q: If the government really wants people to stop smoking, how come it
doesn't just make cigarettes illegal?

A: Because people would smoke them anyway.

Q: Then how come the government makes crack cocaine illegal?

A: That is an unfair comparison. The tobacco industry is merely selling a
deadly product; the crack cocaine industry is guilty of something far far worse.

Q: Failure to make large political donations??

A: Yes.

Q: Many people started smoking because they watched classic movies in which
glamorous Hollywood stars were always inhaling and exhaling vast clouds of
smoke and looking totally cool. What will be done to correct this under the
historic tobacco settlement?

A: By 1998, all classic movies will be digitally reprocessed by special Food
and Drug Administration computers so that - to cite one example - in
Casablanca, when Humphrey Bogart makes his dramatic final speech to Ingrid
Bergman, he will have the voice of Rocky the Flying Squirrel.

Q: Whose voice will the late John Wayne have?

A: The late Lucille Ball's.

Q: What will happen to all the tobacco institute scientists, who, despite
decades of dedicated research, were never able to find a single shred of
evidence proving that cigarettes cause cancer?

A: At the request of the White House, they will be reassigned to the
Whitewater investigation.

Q: Speaking of administration scandals, if President Clinton actually winds
up in court over this Paula Jones thing, what steps will be taken to prevent
the trial from turning into a grotesque and demeaning pubic spectacle?

A: Mr. Clinton's face will be covered at all times by an electronically
superimposed dark blob, underneath which will be an electronic label
identifying him only as "A United States President."

Q: How will the historic tobacco settlement affect the aliens whose
spaceship crashed near Roswell, N.M. in 1947, and whose bodies are now being
kept in top-secret government freezers?

A: Millions of dollars will be paid to their lawyers.

Q: I guess that covers it! Thanks! Smoke?

A: I have my own.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 9 Sep 1997 14:51:58 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: More barbs from "The Vent" (Several Princess Di items)

Never mind Mars and Venus. Men are from Playboy, women are from Good
Housekeeping.

I recently found my old baby diary. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day
2: Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot. Day 3: I'm getting pretty
good getting the milk. Day 4: Why do they try to sleep when I'm
awake?

I can't believe the Olympics are coming to Athens. Who would have
thought it would come back to Georgia so soon.

            Prince Di stuff

Now we know where all the flowers have gone.

Anybody who would fool around with Camilla when he had Diana at home
ain't got sense enough to be king of nothing.

Compared to the paparazzi, being a lawyer seems like a good
occupation.

First Princess Diana, and now Mother Teresa. Earth is losing its
angels.

All the newscasts that talk about Princess Diana discuss how bad the
tabloids are, but they're just as bad.

Princess Diana coverage: The traditional media have out-tabloided the
tabloids.

It's time for the Brits to turn Buckingham Palace into a Bed and
Breakfast!

I understand the Spencers agreed not to invite any Princess Di's
former lovers if Buckingham Palace would bar Prince Charles' consorts
from the funeral.

Aren't you now more likely to wear your seat belt?

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 9 Sep 1997 12:53:42 -0700
From:    Larry Saunders <lsaunder@PEPPERDINE.EDU>
Subject: Priestly Change (inoff)

An elderly parish priest became unhappy with the things he was hearing
during Saturday confessions.  After his sermon one Sunday morning, he
said to his congregation, "I'm tired of hearing so many people tell me in
confession that they have cheated.  For thirty years, people have been
saying to me 'I have cheated with Anthony...I have cheated with Mary...
have cheated with Frankie.'  I am sick and tired of hearing this word.
From now on, when you come into my confessional, you will say 'I have
fallen with Anthony, or with Mary, or with Frankie.' No more the word
CHEAT.  It will be FALL."

About a year later, the old priest retired and was replaced by a younger
man.  No one thought to tell the new priest about the change of words in
the confessional.  After hearing his first round of Saturday confessions,
the young priest went to the mayor of the town and said to him, "Mr. Mayor,
you are going to have to do something about the deplorable condition of the
streets and sidewalks in this town.  Everybody is telling me they are
falling all over the place."

The mayor immediately understood the problem, and he leaned back in his
chair and laughed.

The priest was puzzled, and said, "Mr. Mayor, you shouldn't be laughing!
Your wife told me that just last week she fell three times.!"

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Date:    Tue, 9 Sep 1997 17:04:28 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - More Headlines (4 of 4)


From book: Headlines compiled by Jay Leno

Lack of water hurts ice fishing.

Leno: Think how the fish feel
              ********

Ban on nude dancing on governor's desk.

Leno: But what you do in your own home is your business.
              ********

Tax return may be required after death.

Leno: May be required? Could I find out now so I can rest in peace?
              ********

Man's "serious" condition an improvement over death.

Leno: Wait until he gets the bill. He might change his mind.
              ********

It's official: Dead people can't vote.

Leno: I guess the reporter never lived in Chicago.
              ********

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End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Sep 1997 to 10 Sep 1997
***********************************************
