HUMOR Digest - 8 Sep 1997 to 9 Sep 1997
There are 11 messages totalling 351 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Friends and Neighbors
  2. Something to think about, BUT not for too long!!!
  3. Objective (offensive lang)
  4. Worthwhile quotes
  5. <humor> A Motto
  6. Humor - More Headlines (3 of 3)
  7. prince charles joke(offensive to people from UK or with big ears)
  8. Spam reply Letter <off to Spamers>
  9. More humorous quotes from "The Vent"
 10. Neighbourly Love <clean>
 11. Mail-Order Brides (Adult Theme)

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Date:    Mon, 8 Sep 1997 03:57:44 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Friends and Neighbors

* Our neighbors invited us over for an evening.  I didn't mind the
  videos of their kid and vacation so much, but I do think all of
  the commercials for his home improvement company were a bit much.
                                - - - - -

* Mrs. JimJr sez I can be so rude sometimes.  After hosting a holiday
  party this past New Year's, I even made a special point to invite
  the biggest bores there back.  As they left I said, as graciously
  as I could, "Yes, we must get together again.  Y'all have a real
  nice summer, hear ?"
                                - - - - -

* Try as I might though, I just can't please my wife.  I made an effort
  to be friendly to this one couple I can't stand who attended a small
  dinner party we gave.  I even greeted them at the door saying, "So
  nice to see you two.  I hadn't realized we were obligated to you."
                                - - - - -

*   Had the nicest neighbors one time named Max and Lynn.  Lynn was a
  true Southern Belle if there ever was one.  Her husband and I were
  laughing at a sexist joke and Mrs. JimJr said "Men are all alike !"
    Lynn smiled coyly and said, "Men are all Ah like too."
                                - - - - -

*   Have a friend who's a displaced Texan living here in Maryland now.
  During a discussion one time he remarked that Maryland would fit in a
  small corner of Texas.
    I replied, "Yeah Bruno, I guess it would at that.  But think how
  it would brighten up the place."
                                - - - - -

*   Our mailboxes are all out on the main road.  Have a neighbor across
  the way who raises horses.  I noticed he always rode his horse to the
  mailbox, even though it's only a short distance for him.  I asked him
  one time why he went to all that trouble instead of just walking.
    "Mr. Moore," he replied, "if the good Lord had wanted me to walk
  everywhere, he'd have given me four legs."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Mon, 8 Sep 1997 07:27:13 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Something to think about, BUT not for too long!!!

 Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as sales person.
 Now a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true:

        Postulate 1:  Knowledge is Power.
        Postulate 2:  Time is Money.

    As every engineer knows...

           Work
        --------- = Power
           Time


    Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have...

          Work
        --------- = Knowledge
          Money


   Solving for Money, we get...

          Work
        --------- = Money
        Knowledge

 Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless
 of the Work done.

 Conclusion: The Less you Know, the more you Make...
             SALES baby, that's where it's at!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 8 Sep 1997 08:44:07 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Objective (offensive lang)

The objective of all dedicated company employees should be to thoroughly
analyze all situations; anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence;
have answers for these problems; and move swiftly to solve these problems
when called upon...

HOWEVER

When you are up to your ass in alligators, it is difficult to remind yourself
that your initial objective was to drain the swamp!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 8 Sep 1997 09:18:44 -0400
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Worthwhile quotes

The following all taken from THE PRAIRIE RAMBLER.  The original source, from
which TPR got them, is shown after each item.

You're getting old when you decide to procrastinate but never get around to
it.
--The Wyoming Trucker

When you kill time, remember that it has no resurrection.
--The Ohio Mason

Middle age is when what makes you tick needs rewinding.
--VFW Magazine

Middle age is when you are impressed not with the fact that the grass is
greener on the other side of the fence but rather with how difficult the
fence looks to get over.
--North Vernon Sun

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 8 Sep 1997 10:29:32 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <humor> A Motto

Found the following in my e-mail;  I'm sure my
sister-in-law got it from somewhere-or-other too.

From: Judith L Mica
Subject: Suggested Motto

    I can please only one person per day.
    Today is not your day.
    Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 8 Sep 1997 11:33:18 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - More Headlines (3 of 3)

From book: Headlines compiled by Jay Leno

Engine falls off plane, lands safely at O'Hare.
                 *********
Leno: So if you want to be assured of landing safely,sit on the engine.
                 *********

Council acts to ban airplanes on city streets.

Leno: It's about time. How many times have you pulled into a parking space
only to see a DC-10 sitting there.
                 *********

Death in the ring: Most boxers are not the same afterwards.

Leno: Yeah, I hear some of them are actually smarter.
                 *********

Crappy Derby set for March.

Leno: Better wear old clothes.
      		*********

Ski areas closed due to snow.

Leno: Well, let's hope it warms up soon, eh?
                ********

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 8 Sep 1997 22:59:39 +0100
From:    Persson Mattias <mattias.persson@AROSNET.SE>
Subject: prince charles joke(offensive to people from UK or with big ears)

Its a plane, no its a bird, no its superman,
no its Dumbo the elephant
not its just prince charles waiwing his ears.


"Goodbye England`s rose, may you ever grow in our hearts."
Elton John 6 september 1997

http://www.gif.arosnet.se

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 8 Sep 1997 16:24:51 -0700
From:    Chris Ryan <cryan@ACCLAIM.COM>
Subject: Spam reply Letter <off to Spamers>

Here's a reply I did to an Adult Email Spam:

Dear Sir,

  Thank you very much for the letter you sent to me informing
of your Adult web site. My brothers and sisters weren't too
happy with your site contents.

  I was able to find your home address, thanks to the new alter
boy that just moved into town. We contacted your local parish
and the local Reverend was shocked at the business you are running.

  He told me that he will be sure to talk to the fellowship and
see that you attend the next prayer meeting. He has reserved this
Sunday night at 7 so that you can explain your business to the
fellowship.

  I have subscribed you to the E-PRAYER listserve group. Which
will bring you 200 holy email messages everyday.

  There is no need to thank me, the Lord works in wondrous way!
You sending that email to me, was the Lord telling me that you are
calling for help.

 -Father McDonnell


* "Imagine, if you will, a world without hypothetical situations."

* Out the 10Base-T, through the router, down the T1, over the leased
  line, off the bridge, past the firewall...nothing but Net."


------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 8 Sep 1997 23:27:24 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: More humorous quotes from "The Vent"

These quotes are selected from recent Vent columns (Atlanta Journal-
Constitution) http://www.accessaltanta.com/local/thevent

The reason women don't notice the work you men have done is that you
didn't do it right or didn't do it at all.

I'm the man and I run things around my house. The vacuum, the
washing machine, and the dishwasher.

I'm a finalist in the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. They sent
me one in my maiden name at my old address and in my married name at
my new address. I wonder which name will win.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my
knees.

In the States. when we swear we may say, "Please excuse my French."
So I wonder, in France, do they say "Please excuse my English?"

While filling out an application for employment, under the sex box a
teenager wrote "seldom."

If at first you dont succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 9 Sep 1997 09:18:21 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Neighbourly Love <clean>

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet
rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the
neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up
rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the
rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it
died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks
the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?". The guy stumbles around and says,
"Um.. no.. um.. what happened?". The neighbor replies, "We just found him
dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried
him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him
back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 8 Sep 1997 20:44:29 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Mail-Order Brides (Adult Theme)

MAIL-ORDER BRIDES FROM SPOUSEXPRESS!

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All of our brides are eager to emigrate, and even more eager to please!
Tired of prissy, American primadonnas who won't cook or clean?  Helga,
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marital bliss you've been waiting for today!

Candy-Colored Clown <breitt@interaccess.com> [talk.bizarre]

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End of HUMOR Digest - 8 Sep 1997 to 9 Sep 1997
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