HUMOR Digest - 7 Sep 1997 to 8 Sep 1997
There are 9 messages totalling 263 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Money Matters
  2. Heaven and hell <poss off to the very religious>
  3. Mother Teresa & Princess Diana
  4. Why Queen Lizzie should retire <satire>
  5. Humor - More Headlines (2 of 2)
  6. A friend in need
  7. NN Goofs...]
  8. Classic Epitaphs
  9. That's Queer! <adult>

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Date:    Sun, 7 Sep 1997 06:08:00 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Money Matters

* One of life's greatest disappointments is discovering the friendly
  type guy who appears in the commercials on TV for all of the money
  lending institutions is not a loan officer at any one of them.
                                - - - - -

* Internal Revenue agent to worried taxpayer being audited: "Yes, Mr.
  Smith, I'm afraid we do want to make a federal case out of it."
                                - - - - -

*   Towards the end of the fiscal year at the Maryland State Highway
  Administration, budget meetings are held with the various departments
  quite often.
    Sitting in on one such meeting, the Director of Finance asked my
  boss where he would make his cuts if his remaining budget for the
  Office of Maintenance were slashed by 20 %.
    Without batting an eye, he calmly replied, "Across my throat."
                                - - - - -

*   I was trying to help one young woman at work with her income taxes
  and briefly explained how to complete the forms.
    She was totally aghast and said, "They can't tax me on money I've
  already spent, can they ?"
                                - - - - -

* Man returning home from work to wife: "The good news is that I'm in
  the vanguard of the fight against inflation.  The bad news is that
  I've been fired in the latest round of downsizing."
                                - - - - -

*   Mrs. JimJr and I were dining out at a nice restaurant.  I overheard
  the couple at the next table discussing their bill.
    "Well Mary," said the man, "Near as I can figure, based of the
  price of the ham dinner you just ate, we got a hog back on the farm
  worth at least $ 137,000."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 7 Sep 1997 06:19:53 -0400
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Heaven and hell <poss off to the very religious>

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.  St. Peter checks his
dossier and says, "You're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.  Pretty soon, the
engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts
designing and building improvements.  After a while, they've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a  pretty
popular guy.

One day God is talking to Satan on the phone and asks, "So, how's it going
down there in hell?"  Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great.  We've got
air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling
what this engineer, Bryan Doyle, is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What???  You've got Bryan Doyle?  That's a mistake--he should
never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says,  "No way.  I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping
him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right.  And just where are YOU
going to get a lawyer?"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 7 Sep 1997 08:58:54 -0500
From:    Ian Chai <chai@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: Mother Teresa & Princess Diana

Reading the Sunday newspaper, I noticed that there were over twice as
many pages on Diana as on Mother Teresa, even though Mother Teresa's
death is more recent.

That's quite a commentary on our times. It reminds me of a joke I heard
a few months ago:
        People admire Mother Teresa, and despise Leona Hemsley.
        But people want to *be* Leona Hemsley, not Mother Teresa.


http://www.uiuc.edu/ph/www/chai
http://st-www.cs.uiuc.edu/~chai/writing/main.html#humor

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 7 Sep 1997 14:09:58 -0400
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Why Queen Lizzie should retire <satire>

The following reasons and explanations are the core of the case propagated
by tabloid journalists and talking heads to argue why Queen Elizabeth II of
England should abdicate:

 1. she is boring
 2. she is too old (boring)
 3. she raised a family (boring)
 4. she will not even consider divorcing her husband (boring)
 5. she is a grandmother (boring)
 6. she isn't having any interesting or new love affairs (boring)
 7. she acts responsible and a well developed sense of duty (boring)
 8. she does her tasks so gracefully that everybody else believes her job is
    so easy that anyone could do it
 9. she refuses to even consider posing for nuddie pictures
10. she doesn't wear designer clothes (boring)
11. she'd rather watch her horses and dogs rather than male exotic dancers
12. she acts like the Britain is her favorite place to live (boring)
13. she's extremely rich, but isn't on speaking terms with Donald Trump and
    Rupert Muddock (boring)
14. she doesn't seem ready to die (boring)
15. she seems to value duty over romance (boring)
16. her husband is boring, too
17. she scolds her children when they do interesting things like being
    irresponsbile, embarrassing their family, or being selfish
18. she act mature (boring)
19. it is such great fun to destroy another important person
20. it is the only way to save the British monarchy
21. it is the only way to destroy the British monarchy

Satire note: The object of this satire are journalists, especially tabloid
newspaper editors, tabloid television producers, commentators, and talking
head opinionates. These mocking notes are not intended to defend Queen
Elizabeth.
------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 7 Sep 1997 13:36:24 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - More Headlines (2 of 2)


From book: Headlines compiled by Jay Leno

Police use tear gas, SWAT team, battering ram, stun gun to oust woman 65.

Leno: What would they have done if her father was at home? They would have
      needed a tank.
             ************

"Shoot to stop" ordered for fights.

Leno: And if that doesn't work, try talking to them.
             ************

Animal unit seeks rabbit witnesses.

Leno: Gee, don't you think one rabbit witness would be enough.
             ************

City outlaws giving numbers, addresses of police.

Leno: Solves the problem of trying to find a cop when you need one.
             ************

8 Bagels for $1,49  -- Limit 3

Leno: New math?

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 7 Sep 1997 16:51:00 -0500
From:    Anne Watters <PURPLE1@WEBTV.NET>
Subject: A friend in need

My friend asked me for help.  She had not found any work after months of
looking.  So I thought I might punch up her resume.

Her work record was excellent, as were her college credits.  But I think
I found her problem.

Under "When Available" she had typed neatly "Usually after the bar
closes."


http://www.nzdances.co.nz/hosted/brain/story/anne.htm

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 7 Sep 1997 20:12:56 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: NN Goofs...]

I don't know if you guys have heard of this one, but it's pretty funny.
CNN created a toll free line, 1-800-TALK-CNN, but a mistake was made in the
advertising and the number was printed as 1-800-CNN-TALK  (266-8255).
Call it and you'll find out why CNN is so upset. There is no charge.

The hottest, wettest phone sex line around !!!
Gee, I can see why they are pissed.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 7 Sep 1997 20:53:54 -0400
From:    Charles Tidwell <ctidwell@SOUTHERN.EDU>
Subject: Classic Epitaphs

EPITAPHS

  ", , , she had been a servant in that selfsame
  house for twenty-seven years. . . .And, oh, to
  think she should meet such a death at  last!--
  a-sitting over the red hot stove at 3 o'clock
  in the morning and went to sleep and fell on
  it and was actually roasted!  Not just
  frizzled up a bit, but literally roasted to a
  crisp! . . .even if I have to scrimp to do it,
  I will put up a tombstone over that lone
  sufferer's grave--and Mr. Riley, if you would
  have the goodness to think up a little epitaph
  to put on it which would sort of describe the
  awful way in which she met her--"
     "Put it, `Well done, good and faithful
  servant.'"

                                      Mark Twain
           "Riley--Newspaper Correspondent" 1870

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 8 Sep 1997 09:35:39 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: That's Queer! <adult>

Two queers were enjoying a pleasant round of golf when a foursome of Hell's
Angels began hitting into them from behind. One queer finally becomes angry
and turns to his partner,"If those big bad boys hit into us one more time,
Seymour, you fall down and act like the ball hit you very very hard in the
head. We'll just sue those naughty boys." Sure enough, next hole they drove
the ball directly into the gay twosome. "Now, Seymour, now! Fall down.
Well show them..." The Angels walk up to the standing and lying queer and
say, "What the hell's going on here?" "You just hurt my friend Seymour
really bad, and we're going to get a lawyer and sue you....how do you like
that?"  The Angel replys, "Oh Blow Me!"  The queer exclaims, "Seymour,
Seymour,  get up!  They want to settle out of court!"


End of HUMOR Digest - 7 Sep 1997 to 8 Sep 1997
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