HUMOR Digest - 31 Aug 1997 to 1 Sep 1997
There are 4 messages totalling 226 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Chatterboxes
  2. HUMOR - Don't eat no squirrel brains no more!
  3. Healthy Habits
  4. Man's best friend <inoff.>/Heaven <inoff.>

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Date:    Sun, 31 Aug 1997 05:33:21 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Chatterboxes

* Chatterboxes can talk 50% faster than most people can listen

* Most non-stop talkers are a constant source of earitaion

* Bores regard free speech not as a right, but an obligation

* Some people broaden their minds to lengthen their conversations

* Talkers think a pause in the conversation is a social indiscretion

* Some speakers lecture for an hour w/o any notes -- or any points

* I wish the expenditure of words had to equal the income of ideas

* You can count on Columbia Yuppies to respond to any wordy cause

* Most gossips have the narrowest minds and the widest mouths

* A displaced Texan I know enters a room shooting from the lip

* I'd like to find out who gives "the gift of gab" to others, and WHY ?

* Did ya ever wonder if a "conversationalist" gets a sunburnt tongue

* Gabbers get hurt feelings if you talk while they're interrupting

* With some, if you think before speaking, you'll never get a word in

* Odd that most "men of few words" take an hour to tell ya they are

* After meeting some chatterboxes I swore off tongue sandwiches forever

* Some people don't engage in conversation, they syndicate it


  In closing, I have to comment on the biggest wind-bag of all time:

  The American people have President Clinton to thank for the new PCs
  with the super large hard drives.  See, none of the older models
  were large enough to hold any of his speeches.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sun, 31 Aug 1997 10:19:46 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR - Don't eat no squirrel brains no more!


Warning on Eating Squirrel Brains

By Theresa Tamkins

NEW YORK (Reuters) -- People in rural Kentucky should avoid eating a local
delicacy -- squirrel brains. Health experts suspect the practice may have
caused at least five and possibly as many as 11 cases of the fatal
dementia-inducing disorder Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease (CJD), the same
disorder linked to "mad cow disease" in the U.K.

The family of all five patients reported that they had eaten squirrel brains
at some point, a food that is scrambled with eggs or added to a meat and
vegetable stew called "burgoo," according to a letter in The Lancet.

"It's not that uncommon in certain parts of rural Kentucky," said Dr. Joseph
Berger, professor and chairman of the neurology department at the University
of Kentucky in Lexington. About 27% of people living in western Kentucky
consume squirrel, according to a survey of 100 people conducted by Berger
and his colleagues, Drs. Erick and Beverly Weisman. The patients with the
brain disease ranged in age from 56 to 78, and most died within a year of
diagnosis.

"There appeared to be, at least by statistical analysis, an
overrepresentation of squirrel-brain consumption in patients that had CJD,"
he said. "However, it may be a statistical fluke." CJD can occur
spontaneously, though the disease is very rare.

Spongiform encephalopathy disorders, which cause spongy holes to form in the
brain, have been found in mink, mule deer, elk, and other species. It's not
clear how the diseases are spread, but many scientists believe the
infectious agent is a prion (pronounced pree-on), an abnormal protein
thought to change the shape of normal proteins in the brain. The abnormal
proteins then accumulate and damage nervous tissue -- though the theory is
still  controversial.

A spongiform encephalopathy of sheep, a disease called scrapie, was spread
to cows after sheep carcasses were ground up and used in cattle feed in the
U.K. Consumption of nervous tissue-contaminated beef is thought to have
caused 20 cases of CJD in humans in England, Scotland and France, though the
link has not been confirmed. There have been no cases of "mad cow disease"
or bovine spongiform encephalopathy found in the U.S., so it's unlikely that
the Kentucky cases were caused by eating beef. However, more study --
including analysis of the prion protein in the five patients and testing of
squirrel brains -- is needed to confirm that eating habits are indeed the
cause of the disease.

"It certainly raises some interesting questions and we do plan to pursue
this both in the human population and we should be harvesting squirrels, or
squirrel brains, from that region of the state to take a look at them,"
Berger said.

In the meantime, steering clear of squirrel brain consumption is not a bad
idea, according to the Kentucky researcher.

"I would not suggest to people that they not eat squirrel entirely, but I
probably would avoid eating squirrel brain, and I probably would avoid
eating the nervous tissues of any animal," he said. SOURCE: The Lancet
(1997;350:642)

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Date:    Sat, 30 Aug 1997 11:28:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Healthy Habits

From: Griff Evans

FOOD AND HEAVEN
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died
in a car crash.  They had been in good health the last ten years mainly
due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion
which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and
Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all
this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the
home backed up to.  They would have golfing privileges everyday and each
week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses
on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with
the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old
man.

"Don't you understand yet?  This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with
some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man
asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like
of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick.  This
is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat
and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried
to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his
wife and said, "This is all your fault.  If it weren't for your blasted
bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"


---
Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward. -Bill Davids

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Date:    Sun, 31 Aug 1997 19:01:36 -0400
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Man's best friend <inoff.>/Heaven <inoff.>

One fall day Steve was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly
drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was  followed
by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men
walking in single file.
   Intrigued, Steve went up to the man following the second hearse and asked
him who was in the first hearse.  "My wife," the man replied.
   "I'm sorry," said Steve.  "What happened to her?"
   "My dog bit her and she died."
   Steve then asked the man who was in the second hearse.  The man replied,
"My mother-in-law.  My dog bit her and she died as well."
   "Can I borrow your dog?"
   "Get in line." replied the man.
-----

Tony died and was sent to be judged as to his eternal future.  St. Pete
advised Tony that he had committed a sin and could not get into heaven right
away--he had cheated on his income taxes.  Tony begged for St. Pete to
forgive him and was told that the only way he could get into heaven would be
to sleep with a 500-lb, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years.
   Deciding this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven, Tony
agreed and went off with this enormous woman.  As he was walking along, he
saw his friend Carlos up ahead.  Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier
woman.  Tony asked Carlos why he was with such an unlikely companion, and
Carlos informed him it was the price he had to pay for cheating on his wife
during all his married years.  Carlos and Tony agreed to hang out together to
help pass the time--which was bound to hang heavy with such unfortunate
companions.
   As Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, Tony and
Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead--but how
could it be?--this man was with an absolutely drop-dead-gorgeous supermodel,
real centerfold material.  Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man, and
in fact it was their friend Jon.  They asked him how he'd come to get this
unbelievable goddess as a heavenly compaion, while they were stuck with such
unfortunate specimens.  Jon replied "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not
complaining.
This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I've been told I have
five years to look forward to of the best sex any man could hope for.  There
is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After every time we have
sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Why did I sell those kids those
cigarettes?"

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End of HUMOR Digest - 31 Aug 1997 to 1 Sep 1997
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