HUMOR Digest - 30 Aug 1997 to 31 Aug 1997
There are 4 messages totalling 170 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. JimJr Quickies <some adult humor>
  2. flat tire <off. lang.; off. to religious>
  3. Dogs Vs Computers (Not Offensive)
  4. offensive to women (maybe)

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Date:    Sat, 30 Aug 1997 03:57:48 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: JimJr Quickies <some adult humor>

* Whenever Mrs JimJr & I go to a party, at the door, she always sez:
  "Now remember to apologize to the host before we leave tonight"

* Our neighbor, Kim, asked Mrs. JimJr the other nite:
  "What does your husband want to be when he grows up ?"

* In a way, I'm kinda fortunate.  I mean I could go completely crazy,
  And no one would even notice.

* I never knew AWOL meant "Absent with out Leave" in the Navy
  I always thought it meant "After Women or Liquor"

* I've never been concerned about lengthening my days,
  Personally, I'd much rather prolong my nights

* As a kid, I never liked to play "Post Office"
  I preferred "Pony Express", because there was horsin' around

* Thru the years I've learned quite a bit about women
  Mostly from what I've been able to pick up

* It may well be true that beauty is only skin deep
  But that the hell... that's fine with me -- I'm not a cannibal

* When I was a teenager, I named my convertible the "Mayflower"
  Quite a few puritans came across in it

* Haven't heard my favorite song from the 50's in years though:
  "I'll Be Seizing You in All the Old Familiar Places"

* I may or may not be the voice of Sexperience
  But... I have devoted the best leers of my life solely to women


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sat, 30 Aug 1997 07:58:08 -0400
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: flat tire <off. lang.; off. to religious>

A group on nuns were traveling in a car when it got a flat tire. They got out
and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly did not know how to do it.
   Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for
them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from
the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch," he yelled.
   The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that
you are upset, but you mustn't use such language."
   "Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time
almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch", he yelled again.
   "Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to
do so, it would be better if you didn't help us."
   "But I get so upset, and it just comes out."
   "Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something
like 'Sweet Jesus, help me'".
   So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped.
   He started to say "So..", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus
help me." At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself.
   The nuns looked at the car and said, "Son-of-a-bitch!"

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Date:    Sat, 30 Aug 1997 08:11:20 -0400
From:    Jay Harman <jharman@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Dogs Vs Computers (Not Offensive)

>From the "HAND" (Have A Nice Day) files.....

sent in by Alexis A van-Lutsenburg-Maas:

   Dogs and Computers: Same or Different?

 Favorite Food
    Dogs: kibbles
    Computers: bits

 Method used to end undesirable behavior
    Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper
    Computers: hit control-alt-delete

  After destruction of personal property
    D: dog not found
    C: file not found

  Favorite trick
     D: roll over
     C: play dead

  Comic-page hero
    D: Dogbert
    C: Dilbert

  Fun way to mess with their heads
    D: peanut butter on roof of mouth
    C: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive

  Consequence of virus
    D: replace valuable carpeting
    C: replace valuable data

  Widely ignored government mandate
    D: leash law
    C: Communications Decency Act

  Waste disposal tool
    D: pooper-scooper
    C: uninstaller

  Sensitive internal procedures
    D: must be undertaken by fully qualified professional
    C: may be undertaken by that guy at work who fixed one
         kind of like this once

  Method of marking territory
    D: lifting leg
    C: "Designed for Windows 95"

  Unique behavior
    D: lick and drag
    C: click-and-drag

  Inexplicable physical feature
    D: dewclaw
    C: scroll lock key

  Estimated lifespan
    D: 12 years
    C: 12 months

  At end of useful life
    D: euthanasia
    C: tax deduction

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Date:    Sat, 30 Aug 1997 12:37:05 -0400
From:    Gary Johnson <AceClrwatr@AOL.COM>
Subject: offensive to women (maybe)

As luck would have it, Joe the average gentleman is stranded on a tropical
island with none other than Cindy Crawford.  Basically they both like each
other and settle in to several months of great sex, that's about all there is
to do on this island.  Eventually Cindy starts to get a bit bored with the
routine and approaches Joe and says "Joe, you're great in the sand, wonderful
against the coconut trees, but I need some excitement....is there any
fantasies I get fulfill for you ?"   Of course Joe is happy about this and
tells her yes, as a matter of fact there is something you could do Cindy,
will you go ahead and put my t-shirt on ?  Cindy obliges . . . . and Cindy
could you pull your hair back real tight so it looks short . . . . again
Cindy smiles and obliges . . . ohhh and Cindy would you put on this fake
mustache I made out of some cocunut husk . . . . Cindy happily obliges . . .
and Cindy could you walk down to the end of the beach and walk towards me ?
  Cindy jogs on down the beach turns and starts walking toward a now very
happy Joe . . . .Joe rushes up to her grabs her shoulders and says "Dude you
wouldn't believe who I've been Phuckin"

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End of HUMOR Digest - 30 Aug 1997 to 31 Aug 1997
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