HUMOR Digest - 29 Aug 1997 to 30 Aug 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 644 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. A visit to the vet
  2. Egocentric Boss ?
  3. Top5 - 8/27/97 - Signs that MTV is Getting Old
  4. Rest of Guyness Quotient
  5. Beer-Me Diet
  6. Chicken Crosses Road?? <fairly inoffensive. unless you have no humor
     sense>
  7. 40 Ways Men Fail In Bed - Part 2/2 <adult>
  8. the UPS worker
  9. Wizard of Oz -1997 style <Offensive to Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill
     Clinton fans> and the UPS joke of the day <offensive to all you Teamsters
     out there>
 10. Great graduate school joke: Thesis

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 29 Aug 1997 14:58:48 +0800
From:    Dr Michael Robertshaw <MROBERT@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: A visit to the vet

A woman takes her dog to the vet and tells him that she thinks it's
dead. He puts the dog on the table and turns to take a cat out of cage
nearby. He places the cat by the head of the dog and the cat then
proceeds to walk along the dog. The dog doesn't move.
"Your dog is definitely dead, madam. And that will be $120.", concludes
the vet.
"Good gracious.", replies the woman, "how could it be so much?"
"Well, that's $20 for my consultation and $100 for the cat scan."


http://www.ouhk.edu.hk/~sctwww/maths/
The Open University of Hong Kong
Kowloon, Hong Kong

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 29 Aug 1997 03:57:21 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Egocentric Boss ?

* If he should ever change his faith,
  It'll be because he no longer thinks he's God

* Someone should tell him the difference
  between pulling his weight and throwing it around

* He likes well informed individuals as employees:
  Those whose views coincide with his own

* At least his employees don't have to fear automation,
  Machines can't listen and nod agreement

* When he brags he's a "Self-made Man",
  You can't help but wonder who interrupted him

* But there's a up side to being a "Self-made Man",
  Just accept this as an apology and let it go at that

* Lots of people have success go to their heads --
  But his went to his mouth as well

* I mean this guy is so egotistical,
  He even signs his name to anonymous letters

* I wish he had to pay taxes on what he thinks he's worth,
  The National Debt would all but disappear

* He's always singing his own praises;
  Odd though, it's an unaccompanied solo

* He always hires people who like what he likes --
  HIM

* Just the other day he said no one could fill his shoes;
  Seems to me a pair of shoe trees would do just as good a job

* Just remember, all that bragging is only the patter of little feats


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 29 Aug 1997 06:34:22 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 8/27/97 - Signs that MTV is Getting Old

       T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
           Episode #72: Lucy Sneaks Into Ricky's Act
================================================================
                        August 27, 1997

            The Top 16 Signs that MTV is Getting Old

16> Shaky camera work more an accident than an artistic choice.

15> "Remember the 80's?" becoming less of a rhetorical question
    every year.

14> Newest VJ?  Abe Vigoda

13> Tabitha Soren's latest "hot flashes" ain't from MTV News.

12> Anna Nicole Smith seen wandering around Kurt Loder's trailer.

11> Rap Artist of the Year:  MC Dole

10> "The Grind" now consists of 70% waltzing and 30% people with
    broken hips being carried off on stretchers.

 9> On MTV "Unplugged", new host Jack Kervorkian decides each week
    which aging rock star to remove from life support.

 8> Signature MTV rocket no longer launches without 15 minutes of
    manual manipulation.

 7> "Singled Out" replaced by "Widowed Out."

 6> "Real World - Miami Beach" -- Eight crotchety senior citizens
    share a condominium.

 5> Getting harder and harder to tell the difference between Martha
    Quinn and Colin Quinn.

 4> Tabitha Soren begins each report by resting her breasts on the
    desk in front of her.

 3> On tonight's "Road Rules:"  Edwin drives the '72 Dodge wagon
    too slow in the left hand lane taking the gang to the Early
    Bird special at the local Hojos.

 2> Newest All-Girl Alternative Band: Joan of AARP

    and the Number 1 Sign that MTV is Getting Old...

 1> "Oy!  MTV Complains!"


[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 29 Aug 1997 12:49:34 +0100
From:    Max Blumberg <max@MAXB.COM>
Subject: Rest of Guyness Quotient

Here's the rest of the questionairre to determine your Guyness quotient...

 5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
       A. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
       B. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
       C. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's
          disease and cancer.

 6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
       A. A cat.
       B. A dog.
       C. A dog that eats cats.

 7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's
   attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with
   her.  One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking
   it easy  you're watching a football game;she's reading the
   papers  when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells
   you that she thinks she really loves you,  but, she can no
   longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your
   relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether
   you want to get married; only whether you believe that you
   have some kind of future together.   What do you say?
       A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future,
          but you don't  want to rush it.
       B. That although you also have strong feelings for her,
          you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to
          make a lasting commitment, and  you don't want to hurt her
          by holding out false hope.
       C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on
          third and seventeen.

 8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you
    want to spend the rest of your life with her   sharing the joys
    and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the
    adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come
    what may. How do you tell her?
       A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
       B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
          and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair
          and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
       C. Tell her what?

 9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and
    asks you to get your three children ready for school.
    Your first question to her is:
       A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
       B. "They're in school already?"
       C. "There are three of them?"

 10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
       A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new
          holes so large that you're not sure which ones were
          originally intended for your legs.
       B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules
          and has to be handled with tweezers.
       C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real
          guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody  and we are
          not naming names, but this would be his wife  is quietly
          trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous
          of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship
          with it than with her.

 11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation
     for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place
     for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
       A. He was being tested.
       B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land
          when they finally got there.
       C. He refused to ask for directions.

 12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
       A. Democracy.
       B. Religion.
       C. Remote control.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 29 Aug 1997 09:03:21 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Beer-Me Diet

It seems that a lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from
an all-carbohydrate to an all-protein mix. I have another suggestion, one
that has worked through the ages: the "Beer-Me" diet.  Personally, I have a
"liquid dinner" every time I go to the club on Friday night!

>FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and
the part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates.  FACT: The average
diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for
men, if you want to lose the medically safe two to three pounds a week. On
the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women,
and 15 for men. A measurable goal.

>FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to flush out
almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen including deep
knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking (very good for your
heart) and squats (as the case may be).

>FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when you aren't
necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any problems you
may have experienced in sleep deprivation, counting calories on those other
fad diets. In addition, you may experience the occasional "How did I get
here?" when you wake up, which always makes for lively conversation, and
possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak out and run home.

>FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your heart. After just one day of
consuming your required 12-15 beers, you will certainly want to consume some
aspirin, which is medically proven to help prevent heart attacks.

>FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything you want. The only rule is
that you cannot consume any food until you have consumed at least half of the
day's required beers. This way the food will probably only stay in your body
a short time, until you again exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk and,
this time, the "lean-over-and-hurl" stomach crunches.

>FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other forms of exercise are
common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build up a thirst, as is
chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really want to maximize your
workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus using a waitress. To take
this to the extreme, you could even get up and get someone else a
beer-perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan than yourself.

>FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig.

Based on these facts, let's run through a given scenario for diet
implementation. CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be attempted
during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.

>MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food, and basically be a slob.  FRIDAY:
Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor store and stock up. Go to favorite place
of beer drinking and begin the consumption process (remember >12 for women,
15 for men).

>SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all day, feeling slightly
smaller after expunging any food that you may have accidentally consumed
(particularly if it involved beef jerky from 7-11). Take aspirin. Notice that
you have absolutely no interest in food, anyway.

>SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite has still not
returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal due to an ongoing
discussion with "the dog that bit you." This is a good thing, as only
half-consumption means less than 1,000 calories for the day, and you still
don't feel hungry.

>SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This is a very convenient
diet during football season, but it can be successfully implemented
year-round. There is some major professional sport being played every day of
the year except the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star
game (fact-look it up). Consumption on this day should be paced to cover the
entire day-you don't want to peak too soon. Again you notice a lack of
appetite, and are feeling thinner all the time. Don't forget the aspirin.

>MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and surprisingly
mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation for the upcoming weekend.

>Happy dieting.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 29 Aug 1997 08:53:11 -0400
From:    "Narasimhan, Seshadri" <NarasimhanS@BERNSTEIN.COM>
Subject: Chicken Crosses Road?? <fairly inoffensive. unless you have no humor
         sense>

From Walesch, Jay E

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Moses:  And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken,
"Thou shalt cross the road." and the chicken did cross the road, and
there was much rejoicing.

Richard Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road, I repeat, the
chicken did NOT cross the road.

Jerry Seinfeld:  Why does anyone cross a road?  I mean, why doesn't
anyone ever think to ask 'what was this chicken doing out of his pen
walking around all over the place anyway?'

Freud:  The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken did
cross the road reveals your  underlying insecurity.

Bill Gates:  I have just released the new Chicken Office 780.  Which
will not only cross roads but will also lay eggs and file your
important documents.

Oliver Stone:  The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the
road" But it is rather, "Who was crossing the road at the same time,
and whom have we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken
crossing"

Darwin:  Chickens, over great periods of time have been naturally
selected in such a way that they are now genetically predispositioned
to cross roads.

Grandpa:  In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us he had and that was good enough for us.

Albert Einstein:  Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road
moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Buddha:  Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

Ernest Hemingway:  To die.  In the rain.

Colonel Sanders:  I missed one??

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 29 Aug 1997 18:34:27 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: 40 Ways Men Fail In Bed - Part 2/2 <adult>

 40 WAYS MEN FAIL IN BED - Part 2

 21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.  It may appear to you that humping
     for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her
     it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina.  At least buy some
     intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest
     while you're playing Marathon Man.
 22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.  You really ought to be able to tell.
     Most women make noise.  But if you really don't know, don't ask.
 23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.  Don't act like a giant cat
     at a saucer of milk.  Get your whole mouth down there, and
     concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her
     clitoris.
 24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.  Men persist in doing this until
     she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to
     mouth-to-penis. All women hate this.  It's about three steps from
     being dragged to a cave by their hair.  If you want her to use her
     mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
 25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.  Sperm tastes like sea water
     mixed with egg white.  Not everybody likes it.  When she's
     performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's
     necessary.
 26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.  Don't thrust.  She'll do
     all the moving during fellatio.  You just lie there.  And don't grab
     her head.
 27) TAKING ETTIQUETTE ADIVE FROM PORN MOVIES.  In X-rated
     movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them.  In real
     life, it just means more laundry to do.
 28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.  Asking her to be on top
     is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is
     not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like
     the captain of a schooner.  And let her have a rest.
 29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
     This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow
     directions.  If you want to put it there, ask her first.  And don't
     think that being drunk is an excuse.
 30) TAKING PICTURES.  When a man says, "Can I take a photo of
     you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies."  At least let
     her have custody of them.
 31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.  Imagination is anything from
     drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it
     off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot
     candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
 32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINT HERS.  There is no less erotic
     noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
 33) ARANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.  If she wants to do advanced
     yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get
     too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with
     snapped hamstrings.
 34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.  Read this carefully:  Anal stimulation
     feels good for men because they have a prostate.  Women don't
 35) GIVING LOVE BITES.  It is highly erotic to exert some
     gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully.  No
     woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks
     on end.
 36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.  Don't shout encouragement like a
     coach with a megaphone.  It's not a big turn-on.
 37) TALKING DIRTY.  It makes you sound like a lonely magazine
     editor calling a 1-900 line.  If she likes nasty talk, she'll let
     you know
 38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.  You have to finish the job.
     Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the
     same for you.
 39) SQUASHING HER.  Men generally weigh more than women, so if
     you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
 40) THANKING HER.  Never thank a woman for having sex with you.
     Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 29 Aug 1997 13:34:44 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: the UPS worker

 A dedicated UPS (United Parcel Service) union worker
 was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you
 would expect, decided to check out the local brothels
 nearby.

 When he got to the first one, he asked the  madame,
 "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm
 sorry it  isn't."

 "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
 "The  house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

 Mightily offended at such  unfair dealings, the man
 stomped off down the street in search of a  more
 equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

 His search continued until  finally he reached a brothel
 where the madame responded, "Why yes  sir, this IS a union
 house." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100,
 what cut do the girls get?"

 "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

 "That's more like it!" the UPS man said.
 He looked around the room  and pointed to a stunningly
 attractive blonde.  "I'd like her for the night."

 "I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, then,
 gesturing to an obese  fifty-five year-old woman in
 the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 29 Aug 1997 14:24:43 EDT
From:    "Donald E. Chesnel" <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Wizard of Oz -1997 style <Offensive to Dan Quayle,
         Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton fans> and the UPS joke of the day
         <offensive to all you Teamsters out there>

Bill Clinton, Dan Quayle and Newt Gingrich are in a car going through
Kansas that is suddenly swept up by a tornado.  The car is lifted high
off the ground and then suddenly it gently comes back to earth.

The trio gets out of the car and notice a big sign that indicates they
are in the land of Oz.  They decide to go see the Wizard.

Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."

Gingrich says, "I'm requesting a heart."

Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"
-=-=-=-=-=-	

A UPS employee decides to go to Vegas for his vacation and after a
marathon gambling session decides to visit one of the infamous houses of
ill repute located in the area.  After entering the establishment, the
UPS guy asks the madam how much the girls get and how much the "house"
gets from each customer.  He is told that the "house" gets 80% and the
girls get 20%.  He gets very upset, calls the madam some very nasty names
and leaves.

He goes to another "house" and asks the same question.  He is told that
in this place, the girls are unionized.  They get 80% and the house gets
20% of the take.  He brightens right up after hearing this and
immediately tells the madam to set him up because this is his kind of
place!

The madam brings him upstairs and he sees two women in a lounge area.
One is the most beautiful young blonde he has ever seen in his life.  The
other is an ugly, obese woman in her 60's.  He looks at the madam and
says, "I'll take the blond!"  The madam replies, "Sorry buddy, but you'll
take the other one, she has seniority!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 29 Aug 1997 15:13:57 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Great graduate school joke: Thesis

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy
the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a
fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch!", said the fox.

"Wait!", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits
over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a
fox will always win over a rabbit."

"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come
into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you
can go ahead and have me for lunch."

"You really are crazy!"   But since the fox was curious and had
nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out.  A
few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and
sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon
her.

"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."

"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"

"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of
Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.
"Maybe I shouldn't eat you; you really are sick--in the head.  You
might have something contagious."

"Come and read it for yourself; you can eat me afterward if you
disagree with my conclusions."

So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole and never came out. The
rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local
lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You
seem very happy."

"Yup, I just finished my thesis."

"Congratulations. What's it about?"

"The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."

"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."

So together they went down into the rabbit's hole.  As they entered,
the friend saw the typical graduate abode, albeit a rather messy one
after writing a thesis..  The computer with the controversial work
was in one corner. And to the right there was a pile of fox bones, on
the left a pile of wolf bones.  And in the middle was a large,
well-fed lion.

The moral of the story:
The title of your thesis doesn't matter.
The subject doesn't matter.
The research doesn't matter.
All that matters is who your advisor is.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 29 Aug 1997 to 30 Aug 1997
************************************************
