HUMOR Digest - 28 Aug 1997 to 29 Aug 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 523 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. "Of" and maybe "By"; but not always "For"
  2. Nice line <no ff>
  3. Prayer (may be offensive to religious)
  4. A couple with Indian flavour <not off.>
  5. 40 Ways Men Fail In Bed - Part 1/2 <adult>
  6. Who said engineers were dumb? (off. to programmers)
  7. Eight shorties
  8. You should also know where your towel is! <humor>
  9. Humor - The Ultimate Anarchist Party <goofy>
 10. Guys Questionairre (off to males....)
 11. Patriotism
 12. Traveling Salesmen (poss. offensive to handicapped)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 28 Aug 1997 05:20:48 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: "Of" and maybe "By"; but not always "For"

* Just think... the entire World was created in just six days,
  Senate confirmation not being necessary.
                                - - - - -

*   A Pentagon Press Office Officer was being questioned over the
  recent revelation that the multi-billion dollar B-2 Bomber could
  not get wet and maintain its invisibility to radar.
    "I'd like to be evasive on that, but I've been ordered not even
  to do that." he replied with a solemn face.
                                - - - - -

* One of the hardest things for most Federal Government Officials to
  remember about money matters is that it does.
                                - - - - -

* These days Washington seems to be filled with two kinds of people:
  those trying to get an investigation started, and those trying to
  get one stopped.
                                - - - - -

* A Congressman sent out questionnaires to his constituents asking
  what the voters thought was the most important thing that Congress
  could do.  A surprising number of replies came back saying "Mind
  its own business."
                                - - - - -

* One Senator denies that he is a "me too" kinda guy.  "Having been
  thru college and attained my Master's," he replied, "I think of
  myself as an 'I also' type of individual."
                                - - - - -

* Actually the hardest job Congress has to do is get money from the
  taxpayers without disturbing the voters or campaign contributors.
                                - - - - -

* Statesmanship is different than politics.  Politics is the art of
  getting along with people;  whereas Statesmanship is the art of
  getting along with politicians.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 28 Aug 1997 12:37:55 +0200
From:    "Th. Legters" <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: Nice line <no ff>

-You know what I was just thinking?
-No.
-Too bad, 'cause I forgot.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 28 Aug 1997 08:10:40 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Prayer (may be offensive to religious)

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage
to change the things I can and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill because they pissed me off.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 28 Aug 1997 09:25:43 -0400
From:    "Narasimhan, Seshadri" <NarasimhanS@BERNSTEIN.COM>
Subject: A couple with Indian flavour <not off.>

Stolen from the INDIA-D mailing list.

From: Meher VV
Subject: Humor:Decision Making

Mr.X attended an interview for managerial position.  The interviewer
says, "Let me ask you a few hypothetical questions to test your decision
making skills."
 "Suppose you are in  a Jungle and you  see a tiger, what would you do?"
 "I'll run as fast as I can," replies Mr.X.
 "What if you have no hope of outrunning the tiger," asks the
interviewer.
 "I'll climb a tree," says Mr.X.
 "Suppose, there are no trees nearby?"
 "I'll pick up some rocks and throw it at the tiger," replies Mr.X.
 "Suppose, there are no rocks or pebbles available?" asks the
interviewer.
 "I'll defend myself with a twig," says Mr.X.
 "Suppose, there are no twigs around?" continues the interviewer, "What
would you do?"
 "I think you should ask the tiger.  I don't think I have any more
decisions to make!" replies Mr.X.

 -----------------------------

Date: Tue, 26 Aug 1997 15:40:48 PDT
From: Kumaramurthy Sivaramakrishnan
Subject: Humor Happens!

At a party
Raja:  Don't know why people of mixed race become so popular.
Ashok: Why this sudden observation ? Are you referring to Tiger Woods ?
Raja:  He is definitely one, but look at Karan Kapoor, or even Jackie
       Shroff, now he is considered to be a lady killer. His father is
       Gujarati & mother is Turkish.
Ashok: Yeah, I overheard that  Amla, considered to be a gent killer,
       is an Irish-Bengali.
(Both Raja & Ashok move to another room, to see a guy
 cornered by half a dozen women in the party)
Raja(whispers to Ashok): Now isn't that astonishing. This
       guy is not even handsome, but seems to be attracting
       lots of attention. Is he famous or something ?
Ashok: Well Raja, you may not know him, but he is of mixed
       race too and all that attention does indeed prove
       what we were discussing a moment ago.
Raja:  What races ?
Ashok: Malayaali father and Spanish mother.
Raja:  Do you know him well.
Ashok: Yeah! well enough. In fact I was the one who introduced
       him to the ladies as Emilio Nair.

Contributor's notes:
i) All of the people mentioned in the second joke are celebrities of the
   silver screen kind ... except the last one.
ii) Gujarati, Bengali and Malayaali are people from Gujarat, Bengal and
    Kerala resply.
iii) Nair is a popular surname in Kerala ... and pronounced N-aa-y-a-r.
iv) So the joke "looks" right but does not "sound" right!!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 28 Aug 1997 19:05:40 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: 40 Ways Men Fail In Bed - Part 1/2 <adult>

 40 WAYS MEN FAIL IN BED - Part 1

  1) NOT KISSING FIRST.  Avoiding her lips and diving straight
     for the erogenous zones makes her feel  like you're paying by
     the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out
     nonessentials.  A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form
     of foreplay.
  2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.  Admit it, some kid at school
     told you girls love this.  Well, there's a difference between being
     erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on
     your 50th birthday cake.  That hurts.
  3) NOT SHAVING.  You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to
     your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and
     thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion,
     it's avoidance.
  4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.  Most men act like a housewife testing
     a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair.
     Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
  5) BITING HER NIPPLES.  Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples,
     then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via
     her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive.  They can't stand up to
     chewing.  Lick and suck them gently.  Flicking your tongue across
     them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.
  6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.  Stop doing that thing where you twiddle
     the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to
     find a radio station in a hilly area.  Focus on the whole breasts,
     not just the exclamation points.
  7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.  A woman is not a highway
     with just three turnoffs:  Breastville East and West, and
     the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've
     ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown
     Vagina.  So start paying them some attention.
  8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.  Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt
     region can result in tangled fingers and underpants.  If you're
     going to be that aggressive, ask her to take the damn things off.
  9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.  Condom disposal is the man's
     responsibility.  You wore it, you store it.
 10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.  Direct pressure is very unpleasant,
     so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
 11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.  Women, unlike men, don't pick up
     where they left off.  If you stop, they plummet back to square one
     very fast.  If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all
     costs, numb jaw or not.
 12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.  Women hate looking stupid, but
     stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck
     over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
 13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.  Stroking her gently
     through her panties can be very sexy.  Pulling the material up
     between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
 14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.  Although most men can find
     the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is
     where it's all at.  No sooner is your hand down there than you're
     trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney.  This is okay in
     principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get
     carried away.  It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and
     the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger
     inside her and see if she likes it.
 15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.  You're attempting to give her a
     sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood.  Hands and
     fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
 16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.  Don't force the issue by stripping
     before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off,
     even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.
 17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.  A man in socks and underpants
     is a at his worst.  Lose the socks fist.
 18) GOING TOO FAST.  When you get to the penis-in-vagina
     situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an
     industrial power tool - she'll soon feel lie an assembly-line worker
     made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean,
     straight, regular thrusts.
 19) GOING TOO HARD.  If you bash your great triangular hip
     bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of
     horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.
 20) COMING TOO SOON.  Every man's fear.  With reason.  If you
     shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a
     backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 28 Aug 1997 09:49:28 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Who said engineers were dumb? (off. to programmers)

 A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long
 flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks
 if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a
 nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few
 winks. The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy
 and a lotta fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know
 the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't
 know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines
 and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says,
 "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the
 answer, I'll pay you $50!" This catches the Engineer's attention, and he
 sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

 The Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
 earth to the moon?" The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into
 his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer.
 Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What goes up a
 hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks up at
 him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches
 all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and
 searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated and still
 without an answer, he sends e-mails to his co-workers...all to no avail.

 After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The
 Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to
 sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and
 asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches
 into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away to get back to
 sleep.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 28 Aug 1997 14:28:20 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Eight shorties

I am going to get even the with guy who stole my wife. I'm going to
let him keep her.

Being honest is doning the right thing when nobody is looking.

I am a vegetarian and I hope that all of you meat lovers who have
ridiculed us enjoy your E. coli bacteria.

Is there a good quick way to get rid of a live-in boyfriend?

You haven'et seen a mosquito until you've been to Minnesota. It's
their state bird.

Have you noticed some of the labels on products lately? "Made in the
USA by Undocumented Aliens."

If we want to reduce world hunger, we need to keep Saly Struthers out
of these Third Wolrd countries. She's eatin gall the food.

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 28 Aug 1997 15:09:30 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: You should also know where your towel is! <humor>

Advice if you're abducted by aliens

I'm sure each of you out there knows what a typical alien
abduction is like.  I mean, not that you, yourself, have been
abducted, but you've heard the stories.  The elements include
lost time, telepathy, short aliens with big eyes, Fox Mulder,
medical experiments on your person, paralysis, royalties, a
little sexual contact and finally, the degrading talk-show
experience.  We've all heard it over and over.

I've been in communication with the late Carl Sagan recently.
OK, I've been reading his last book on "The Demon-Haunted World,"
but it sounds much more exciting to put it that other way.  He
spends a couple of pages talking about one of the earliest alien
abduction incidents.  This was the abduction of Betty and Barney
Hill of New Hampshire, back in 1961. It was a classic abduction.

Sagan writes that Betty Hill has taken issue with some aspects of
more recent abduction stories.  In particular she asserts that
real alien abductors show "no sexual interest" in their
abductees.  What you have to watch out for instead is petty
thievery practiced by aliens!  Betty has said that the aliens
"frequently help themselves" to their abductee's belongings!  In
particular you gotta watch them when it comes to "fishing rods,
jewelry of different types, eyeglasses or a cup of laundry soap."

So, gang, forewarned is forearmed!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 28 Aug 1997 14:36:44 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - The Ultimate Anarchist Party <goofy>

            Anarchist festival flares in Nevada desert

 RENO, Nevada (AP) -- On the blank expanse of the northern Nevada desert, a
temporary city has arisen that will be home to artists, performers and free
spirits drawn to what may be the ultimate anarchist party.

 Burning Man, a festival that began 11 years ago on a San Francisco beach
as a woeful tribute to scorned love, starts Wednesday and culminates on
Monday September 1 -- a U.S. holiday -- with the torching of a 40-foot
(12-meter)-tall wooden man in a barren desert basin.

 "Events like this are kind of needed, to go someplace and be really
goofy," said participant Jarico Reese of Los Angeles. "It brings creative
people together."

 Thousands are expected to attend the esoteric mix of pagan fire ritual and
sci-fi Dada circus where some paint their bodies, bang drums, dance naked
and wear costumes that would draw stares in a Mardi Gras parade. One woman
last year wore oil funnels on her breasts Madonna-style, with more funnels
extending from her ears.

 "We are, in terms of art jargon, outsider art," said founder Larry Harvey,
a Bay Area artist.

 A mile-long (1.6 km) esplanade will be lined with large-scale works, such
as Jim Mason's "Temporal Decomposition," a huge ice sundial with clocks and
watches frozen inside. The melting sculpture will be covered with 50
gallons (190 liters) of cherry snow cone syrup and offered for communal
licking.

  Mason, a sculptor, said the event intrigues and inspires artists.

 "The project has captured the imagination of a lot of people," he said.
"Something is happening here."

 The makeshift Black Rock City is a conglomeration of "theme camps."

 They include the "Alien Abduction Camp" and "Womb with a View," where,
according to the program, "you walk through a 74-foot (22-meter) long
pregnant female body, complete with orifice entrance, torso and breasts."

 "Blowin' in the Wind" will attempt to create the world's largest wind chime.

 Many of the creative works, along with the wooden man himself, are burned
during the festival's finale after sunset on Sunday. For that reason, the
county demanded on-site firefighters.

 Festival-goers are warned to bring their own food, shelter, and most
importantly, lots of water. In late August, the desert is unforgiving, with
daytime temperatures near 100 Farenheit (38 Celsius) under a scorching sun
and overnight lows in the 40s (4-10 Celsius).

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 28 Aug 1997 20:35:29 +0100
From:    Max Blumberg <max@MAXB.COM>
Subject: Guys Questionairre (off to males....)

I received this from a female friend....

THE "GUYNESS QUOTIENT"

OK, all you guys out there, take this test to determine
you "Guyness" Quotient." And I am sure all of you ladies out
there will find this more than amusing, since you have to
put up with all of the men in the world.
It's LONG, but Funny.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth,
   and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of
   intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but
   incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing
   all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy,
   wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating
   oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.
   You decide to:
      A. Present it to the President of the United States.
      B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
      C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful
   life do you miss the most?
      A. Innocence.
      B. Idealism.
      C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
      A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without
         regard for narrow minded social conventions.
      B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
      C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is
         the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that,
         for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

 4. What about hugging another male?
       A. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
       B. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in
          this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging
          food trapped in this male's trachea! I'm not in any way aroused!")
       C. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits
          a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that
         (1) He is legally within the basepath,
         (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
         (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough
              to cause fractures.

The rest tomorrow....

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 Aug 1997 18:27:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Patriotism

A Patriotic Pun
by Barry Austern

There were a brother and sister who worked for the CIA during the cold
war. Their names were Dwayne and Amber, and they were stationed in
Paris. Their job was to sniff out Soviet spies so their cells could be
neutralized. It was Paris, where restaurants were "the thing," and the
Russians always met in a restaurant.

However, our friends did not know, at any particular time, just what
restaurant. Therefore, they had to go from restaurant to restaurant.
In order not to be suspect they had to eat at all of the restaurants,
so they practiced, if you will, bulimia for Uncle Sam.

Because of the pressure, and because of the fact that they were
siblings, they were constantly bickering and were noticed. However,
nobody ever thought that they were CIA spies, so they were very
successful and many, many Russians were apprehended.

It was time for their annual performance appraisal which read:
"They're dutiful voracious spies, but Amber raves at Dwayne."


---
Punsters deserve to be drawn and quoted.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 Aug 1997 17:32:01 -0700
From:    "William E. Grover" <g7718769@IDT.NET>
Subject: Traveling Salesmen (poss. offensive to handicapped)

Three salesmen were driving cross country when their car broke down
far from civilization. After walking for some distance they came to a
farmhouse. They asked the farmer if there was a service station nearby.
He replied that there was one in town but that it wouldn't be open until
the next day. He offered to let them stay at his house that night,on one
condition..."Don't draw attention to my son, he's very sensitive because
he was born without any ears." After agreeing to his wishes the salesmen
spent the night with the farmer. The next morning at the breakfast table
the son noticed that the salesmen were staring at him. "What are you
looking at?", he demanded. The first salesman replied, "I was looking at
your beautiful smile, it's important to take care of your teeth so you
don't have to wear dentures." The second salesman said, "I was looking
at your thick curly hair, it's important to take care of your hair so
you don't go bald and have to wear a wig." The third said, "I was
looking at your clear blue eyes, it's important to take care of your
eyes,...Lord knows you can't wear glasses."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 28 Aug 1997 to 29 Aug 1997
************************************************
