HUMOR Digest - 27 Aug 1997 to 28 Aug 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 383 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Golf Humor
  2. For all you baseball fans <off.to Yankees>
  3. Humor: actual lines from OER
  4. Customer Service (offensive language)
  5. Collection of short funnies
  6. Retirement (Reprise) - slightly risque
  7. Scurrilous Hitler lyrics (scurrilous)
  8. Humor - High Tech vs Low Tech
  9. Windows 95 Bits 'n' Pieces
 10. Subject: George Carlin's Brain Droppings <Adult lang>

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Date:    Wed, 27 Aug 1997 03:10:14 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Golf Humor

*   The man stranded on a desert island couldn't believe his eyes
  when a beautiful woman in scuba gear appeared on the beach.
    "Help is on the way." she said "Is there anything you need in
  the meantime ?"
    "Well..." the man said, "I can't remember the last time I had a
  smoke."  Whereupon the girl unzipped the sleeve of her wet suit
  and tossed the guy a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.
    Lighting up, he said, "A drink sure would go good with this."
  The girl unzipped the leg of her suit and produced a beer.
    "I'll bet it's been ages since you played around too." she said,
  unzipping the front of her suit.
    "Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there !!!" he replied.
                                - - - - -

*   After a really terrible round of golf the player said, "I think
  I'll just go drown myself in the lake."
    "I doubt you could keep your head down that long." said his
  caddy.
                                - - - - -

*   Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could
  see the flag, but not the green.  Each hit their ball anyway. When
  they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from
  the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in.
    They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they
  were both using Titleist number threes.  Unable to decide, they
  returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.
    After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their
  superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, "OK, so who
  was playing the yellow ball ?"
                                - - - - -

*   The golf pro trying to teach the young miss the proper stance and
  swing, had somehow gotten his zipper tangled in the back of her shorts.
  After many unsuccessful attempts to free it, the embarrassed couple
  lock-stepped to the clubhouse for assistance.
    A German Shepherd laying on the lawn jumped up, got the garden hose
  and turned it on them.


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Wed, 27 Aug 1997 09:57:08 GMT+1
From:    Mark Mostert <MMT@HK.MOBILE.TELIA.SE>
Subject: For all you baseball fans <off.to Yankees>

Three baseball fans leave the stadium after a game and come across a
dead, naked woman lying in the middle of the street. After they call the
cops, they each take off their baseball caps and place them on the dead woman
out of respect and to cover her private parts until the cops arrive.

The first fan places his Boston Red Sox cap over her left breast, the
second places his Phillies cap on her right breast and the third fan
places his Yankees cap on her pubic area.

The cops finally arrive, and the officers take statements from the fans
to find out what happened. After explaining that they found her naked and
covered her up with their caps, the cop went over to examine the body. He
briefly lifted the Red Sox cap, and quickly replaced it; then he lifted
the Phillies cap, and also quickly replaced it.

However, when he lifted the Yankees cap, he stared and stared for what
seemed to be two or three minutes. Finally, he let the cap drop, walked
away, wrote in his notebook, then returned and lifted the Yankees cap
once again and stared for a long time.

As he was walking away the second time, the fans were curious and stopped
him and asked him why he spent so much time looking at the woman's
genitalia, and he said, "It's the first time I've seen anything but an
asshole under a Yankees cap."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 Aug 1997 07:32:03 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor: actual lines from OER

These are actual lines out of OER (Officer Efficiency Report ) --
performance appraisal for the military

     - Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
     - Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
     - A room temperature IQ.
     - Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
       together.
     - A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
     - A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
     - A prime candidate for natural deselection.
     - Bright as Alaska in December.
     - One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
     - Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
     - Fell out of the family tree.
     - Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
        coming.
     - Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
     - He's so dense, light bends around him.
     - If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
     - If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
       week.
     - If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
     - If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
     -
     - One neuron short of a synapse.
     - Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
     - Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
     - Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
     - Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 Aug 1997 09:10:09 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Customer Service (offensive language)

Dear Valued Customer:

In accordance with company policy, we are pleased to inform you that you
received merchandise with the same high quality standards afforded all our
customers, and we feel you are extremely chicken-shit for returning this
stuff, particularly since we did not authorize the return.

You know damned well we have a comprehensive and equitable Returned Goods
Policy, and you will pay hell receiving credit unless this policy is strictly
adhered to.

We ship whatever the hell comes off the production line, and whether it meets
specifications or not is beside the point. We are reasonably confident our
packaging contains the proper materials a good share of the time, which is
exactly what you ordered. By God, no one is perfect. I'd like to see your
production area sometime. I'll bet you have a shit-pot full of problems too.

Incidentally, you have really pissed off our Scheduling and Production people
with your arbitrary statements regarding late delivery. After all, your last
order was only three months overdue, which is a helluva lot better than most
of our customers get. What the hell do you expect?

On future orders, we suggest you favor us with a higher dollar volume, and we
will bust our asses. With this type of volume, we can guarantee a maximum
late order condition of two months...how's that for a thirty day improvement?

As a valued customer, it is certainly your privilege to request we check
future orders more closely for requested shipping dates, but your prickish
attitude will, we are confident, result in our shipping so damned late that
you will be in such a bind that you will gladly accept any old shit we want
to get rid of.

By the way, don't give us any crap about order cancellations; we're already
in production. We could, however, see our way clear to stop production if you
will pay 90% cancellation charges, along with a 25% restocking fee.
Otherwise, tough shit.

In summary, you work with us, and we will work with you. BUT!! Don't pull
that irate customer shit on us, we've been down that path before.

Warm personal regards,

CUSTOMER SERVICE MANAGER

P.S. You screwed up again when you insisted our part doesn't resemble you
specification drawings. BULLSHIT!! Your drawing isn't even close to our part.
We know there was a 1-1/2" difference between part and drawing, which we
consider minor and totally insignificant. Why don't you get on your
Engineer's ass for a change?

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 Aug 1997 11:35:06 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Collection of short funnies

Seen in the classifieds: "Dog for sale. Eats anything and loves
children."

I will give up my bad habits as soon as equally satisfying good
habits become available.

Could someone please tell me how men can remember what you said six
months ago but can't remember to take the trash out?

They should make duct tape in many colros, so I could repair my
carpet.

I think, therefore ... Now how does the rest of that go?

I am an exterminator. God made mosquitos for the same reason he made
roaches -- to put food on my table.

My middle-aged husband keeps telling me he needs to go and find
himself. But not to worry, he's not really lost, because I know where
his girlfriend lives.

If my wife and I have an argument and decide to call Dr. Laura, I'm
going to have my wife call because Dr. Laura always jumps all over
the person on the phone and takes the other person's side and that
way I win.

Remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

The perfect husband is one who's 102 years old and has $150 million.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

It's a sad day when imitation bacon bits taste better than the real
thing.

There's only one thing worse than marriage, and that's a flat beer.

Sign seen at a yard sale: "Lawn more for sale."

I'm so sick of telemarketers that I've put a recording of a busy
signal on my answering machine.

The sign says: "Ears pierced while you wait." Darn! I wanted to leave
them and pick them up later.

Would somebody please unionize the IRS? Then they could go out on
strike and we could leave them there.

Kids, if you look at Elvis before and after, you will see what drugs
will do to you.

People who depend on their family, friends, independence, brains and
hard work are destined to succeed. People who depend on the
government, welfrare, affirmative action, ignorance and the lottery
are destined to fail.

I haven't spoken to my wife in nine months. i don't like to interrupt
her.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 Aug 1997 17:37:53 +0100
From:    John Baggaley <johnbaggaley@ENTERPRISE.NET>
Subject: Retirement (Reprise) - slightly risque

With respect to Craig Ehrlich, I seem to recall the full version goes as follows:-

From twenty to thirty if a man lives right,
It's once in the morning and twice at night
From thirty to forty if he still lives right
He misses in the morning AND sometimes at night
From forty to fifty it's just now and then
From fifty to sixty it's God knows when

His sporting days are over, his little light is out
What used to be his pride and joy is now his water spout
It used to be embarrassing, making it behave
It stood up in the morning and watched him have a shave
But now he's getting older it sure gives him the blues
To see it hanging upside-down and watch him tie his shoes

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 Aug 1997 15:33:57 -0400
From:    Robert Bragner <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Scurrilous Hitler lyrics (scurrilous)

Since we're into scurrilous lyrics from the second world world war this week
I'd like to add a dimly-remembered childhood ditty:

    Whistle while you work
    Hitler is a jerk
    Mussolini bit his wienie*
    Now it doesn't squirt.

* i before e except after c

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Date:    Wed, 27 Aug 1997 15:27:24 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - High Tech vs Low Tech

            Rafting company uses low-tech transportation.

 Forget the modems and the snazzy digital cameras. A rafting company looked
backward for a faster way to get photos of its clients down river: homing
pigeons. Outfitted with homemade backpacks, the pigeons carry film of
white-water rafters shooting the Poudre River's rapids near Fort Collins,
Colo., arriving fast enough for Rocky Mountain Adventures to develop
pictures and have them ready to sell by the time rafters finish. The idea
was born from a dilemma -- how to get finished photo proofs to the end of
the run while keeping photographers on the banks to shoot the next batch of
rafts. Digital cameras and modems to transmit photos were too expensive,
said Tony Costlow, a company co-owner. So Costlow homed in on pigeons. He
designed a backpack of Lycra and Velcro straps that fits snug to the
pigeon's breast and lets it fly unrestricted. "Certainly in the early
stages it was a lot of watching because they were all chicks," Costlow
said. Now he has 16 birds, with each pigeon making the half-hour flight two
or three times a week.

Source: -- Associated Press


*The tortoise wins over the hare, once again!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 Aug 1997 13:51:23 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Windows 95 Bits 'n' Pieces

Windows 95: n., 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch
to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor,
written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 Aug 1997 20:32:17 -0400
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Subject: George Carlin's Brain Droppings <Adult lang>

>From the book Brain Droppings by George Carlin:

GET A LIFE

     One morning I get up, get out of bed, get showered, get some, breakfast,
and get to thinkin', "I'm not gettin' any."  I get the urge to get some
nookie, and get an idea.  So I get dressed, get in my car, and get on the
freeway.
     When I get downtown, I get a few beers, get a buzz, and get lucky.  I
get a glimpse of a fine-looking woman.  I get her a drink, get her talking,
and we get acquainted.  So I get up the courage and get her to agree to go
get a room.
     We get outta there, get some booze, get in a taxi, and get a hotel.
     We get in the room, and get comfortable, and I'm gettin' excited 'cause
I'm gonna get in her pants.  So we get undressed, get in bed, and get
started.  And I'm gettin' hot 'cause she's gettin' horny.  She wants to get
down, and I wanna get my rocks off.  I wanna get it up, get in, get it on,
get off, and get out.
     And it starts gettin' real good.  But then I get thinking, "Suppose I
get the clap?  If I get the clap, I'll have to get shots.  Might get worse.
 Could get AIDS.  Shoulda got rubbers."
     Now I get paranoid.  Get a bit crazy.  Get a bit scared.
     Gotta get a grip.
     Then it gets worse.  Suppose she gets pregnant?  Will she get an
abortion.  She might wanna get married.  I can't get involved.  If I gotta
get married, I gotta get her a ring.  How do I get it?  I'd have to get
credit.  Or get hold of some money!
     That means gettin' a job.   Or gettin' a gun.  And a getaway car.  But
suppose I get caught?  Get busted by teh cops.  Get thrown in jail!  Gotta
get help.  Get a good lawyer.  Get out on bail.
     No.  I gotta get serious.  Get it together.  Get with the program.  Get
me a break, get me a job.  Get a promotion, get a nice raise, get a new
house, and get some respect.  But if I get all of that, I can't get real
cocky.  Might get someone mad who'd get on my case, get me in trouble, and
then I'd get fired.
     Then I'd get mad, maybe get violent, get kicked outta work.  Then...get
behind in my rent, get evicted, get thrown on the street.  Maybe get mugged,
get beaten, get injured, get hospitalized, get operated on, get a blood clot,
get a heart attack, get the last rites, get a stroke, get a flat line, get a
trip to the graveyard, and get burried in a field.
  So get this.  You gotta get smart, and you gotta get real.  Get serious.
 Get home, get undressed, get in bed, get some sleep.  Or you might just get
fucked.  Get me?

Copyright 1997, Comedy Concepts, Inc.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 27 Aug 1997 to 28 Aug 1997
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