HUMOR Digest - 26 Aug 1997 to 27 Aug 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 349 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Dining Out
  2. Bike <poss off to engineers>
  3. Humor:Offensive to MicroSoft
  4. Giddy-up, Tonto! <adult, racial stereotype>
  5. HUMOR Digest - 25 Aug 1997 to 26 Aug 1997
  6. Little Old Ladies (adult)
  7. Microsoft A La Carte
  8. I didn't know you used that!
  9. Eight Elephant Jokes II
 10. Have an anagram

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Date:    Tue, 26 Aug 1997 03:56:15 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Dining Out

* A friend is one who takes you to lunch, even if he can't deduct it
  from his taxes or put it on his expense account.
                                - - - - -

*   Before the laws in Maryland were changed to allow no smoking at
  all, restaurants had separate areas for smokers and non-smokers.
    Mrs. JimJr and I were dining out and two Yuppettes, who obviously
  couldn't get a seat in the non-smoking section, were very loudly
  commenting on smoking after I had lighted a cigarette.
    One said, "We should have gone to the restaurant on the Lake, they
  don't allow smoking."
    The other agreed and replied even louder, "Or we could have gone
  to Bruno's.  They don't even allow smoking on the deck."
    I turned directly facing them and said even louder, "Why don't you
  both go to Hell ?  Nobody can ever smoke there."
                                - - - - -

*   Years ago in this country, there used to be a man who went around to
  different restaurants rating them.  Establishments which received a good
  rating were allowed to post a sign -- "Duncan Hines ate here."
    One time I had a waiter ask me if everything was "alright".  Assuming
  that he meant other than the slow service and the terrible food I said,
  "I really think y'all should post your 'Duncan Hines wept here' sign."
                                - - - - -

* There's a real nice French restaurant in Columbia.  The waiters even
  have a sense of humor.  Ours came over and introduced himself, told
  us the specials, then said, "And Monsieur, this week there's a special
  10% discount if you don't try to order in French."
                                - - - - -

* I realize good restaurants aren't like McDonald's.  But I'm sure y'all
  have been to places where the service is almost non-existent.  When
  our waiter finally reappeared with the drinks, I said "Are you sure
  you're the same waiter who took our order.  Somehow I expected a much
  older man."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Tue, 26 Aug 1997 07:13:30 -0400
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Bike <poss off to engineers>

An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides
up on a shiny new motorcycle.
   "Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the first.
   The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding
my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
  She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take
what you want.'"
   The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice, the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."

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Date:    Tue, 26 Aug 1997 07:15:27 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:Offensive to MicroSoft

Dear Abby -

    I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Army, and I have
a second cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi
hate literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist)
is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while
they were under anesthesia. The sole supporters of our large
family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my
uncle (master pick-pocket Benny "The Fingers") and my aunt and
kid sisters, who are well-known street walkers.

    My problem is this:  I have just gotten engaged to the most
beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet
sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape
from reform school.  To support ourselves, we are going to move
to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by
child labor.  We look forward to bringing our kids into the
family business.  But -- I am worried that my family will not
make a good impression on hers, once she has a chance to meet
them.

In your opinion, Abby:  Should I -- or shouldn't I -- let her
know about my second cousin who works for Microsoft?
Regards,
Trouble in Seattle?

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Date:    Tue, 26 Aug 1997 07:52:04 -0400
From:    Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Giddy-up, Tonto! <adult, racial stereotype>

A pretty girl is driving through the West. Her car runs out of gas,  and an
Indian comes along on a horse, gives her a ride to a gas station. Every few
minutes he lets out a wild whoop that would curdle milk. Finally, he drops
her off with a final Yaaaaa-Hooo! and gallops off.

"My god!" says the gas station guy, "What the hell were you doing to that
Injun to make him holler like that?"

"Why, nothing," says the girl, "I just sat behind him with my arms around
him, holding onto his saddle horn."

"Lady," says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles."

from C. Young

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 26 Aug 1997 21:36:21 +0900
From:    Stephen McCabe <bigsteve@ALLES.OR.JP>
Subject: Re: HUMOR Digest - 25 Aug 1997 to 26 Aug 1997

>Date:    Mon, 25 Aug 1997 12:35:22 GMT
>From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
>Subject: Scurrilous Colonel Bogey Lyrics

The version most of us Brits know is:

Hitler, he only had one ball.
The other was in the Albert Hall.
Himmler was somewhat sim'ler
And Hermann Goebells
Had no balls at all.

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Date:    Tue, 26 Aug 1997 08:37:23 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Little Old Ladies (adult)

There is this guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts weights and
jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that
he is really suntanned all over except his penis and he decides to do
something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand,
except for his penis sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and
says, "There really is no justice in the world."

The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that:

When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it.
When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it.
When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40 years old, I asked for it.
When I was 50 years old, I paid for it.
When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it.
When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it.

and now that I am 80, THE DAMN THINGS ARE GROWING WILD!!!"

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Date:    Tue, 26 Aug 1997 14:51:10 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Microsoft A La Carte

MICROSOFT TV DINNER PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept
and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else
a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of
Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your
dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the
oven using these keystrokes: <\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//> Then enter:
<ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme>.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will
set itself and cook the dinner.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven
must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the
oven and enter <ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap>. This process
may have to be repeated.  Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a
cold reboot.  If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than
the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are
empty. These are for future menu items.  If the tray is too large to fit
in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken
variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft
Help and they will explain that Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their
chicken dinners.  Future releases will only be in the larger family size.
Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in
Microsoft approved packaging or the warranty is invalidated.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that
version has yet to be released.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer,
causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug, as
your freezer should be defrosted periodically anyway.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 26 Aug 1997 17:40:28 -0700
From:    Lloyd Johnston <lloydj@COMPUSMART.AB.CA>
Subject: I didn't know you used that!

I recently purchased some Hewlett Packard paper for my laser
printer.  On the back of the package I saw a list describing the many
uses for the multipurpose paper

"HP Multipurpose Paper is great for multiple original copies, mopies,
memos, projects, reports, faxes, E-mail, invoices and other office
                               ^^^^^^^^
printing needs.

And to think I've been sending E-mail for years without
the proper paper.


*If you can read this, thank a teacher.

Lloyd Johnston, Pre-Service Elementary Education
University of Alberta
http://www.compusmart.ab.ca/lloydj

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Date:    Tue, 26 Aug 1997 20:50:45 EDT
From:    Matthew R Hirsch <hmatt@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Eight Elephant Jokes II

What's gray on the inside and clear on the outside?
   An elephant in a baggie.

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
   Time to get a new fence.

What would you do if an elephant sat in front of you at the movies?
   Miss most of the movie.

Why do so many elephants wear bright green nail polish?
   So they can hide in the pea patch.

What was the elephant doing on Route 325?
   About four miles per hour.

How do you catch an elephant?
   You hide in the grass and make a sound like a peanut.

What do you get when you cross a parrot with an elephant?
   An animal that tells what it remembers.

How do you make an elephant stew?
   You keep it waiting for a few hours.

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Date:    Tue, 26 Aug 1997 22:05:07 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Have an anagram

Thanks to Mary-Katie Andrews

Tony Blair PM - I'm tory plan B
Virginia Bottomley - I'm an evil Tory bigot
Michael Heseltine - Elect him, he's alien
David Mellor - Dildo marvel
The Houses of Parliament - Loonies far up the Thames
Francois Mitterand - Mad strain of cretin
Performance related pay - Mere end of year claptrap
Dame Agatha Christie - I am a right death case
The Open University - Intrusive Neophyte
The Metropolitan Police Force - I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop
Acorn Computers - Crap to consumer
Benson and Hedges - NHS been a godsend
Eastenders - needs a rest
Home and Away - Aha..yawn mode
Eldorado - Real dodo
Selina Scott - Elastic snot
Peter Ustinov - Eruptive snot
Actors - scrota
Robert DeNiro - error on bidet
Rita Hayworth - Hot hairy wart
Sir Alec Guinness - Clearing sinuses
Mel Gibson - big melons
Arnold Schwarzenegger - He's grown large 'n' crazed
Kylie Minogue - I like 'em young
Gloria Estefan - large fat noise
Chris Rea - rich arse
Marti Pellow - Ill tapeworm
Madonna, the material girl - Real dim man-eating harlot
Ossie Ardiles - Arse is soiled
Diego Maradona - O dear, I'm a gonad
Martina Navratilova - Variant rival to a man
Gabriela Sabatini - Insatiable airbag
Irritable Bowel Syndrome - O my terrible drains below
Boddingtons, the cream of Manchester - Boddington's stomach ache
   fermenter
Stella Artois, reassuringly expensive - Pint 'o' lager virtually erases
   sexiness
An Intel Pentium Processor - Customer nipple not arisen
Pentium Processor - Computerises porn

and finally...

Motorway Service Station - I eat coronary vomit stews

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA

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End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Aug 1997 to 27 Aug 1997
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