HUMOR Digest - 25 Aug 1997 to 26 Aug 1997
There are 13 messages totalling 477 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Strange but True
  2. The temp <clean but uncharacteristically long>
  3. More church bulletin bloopers (part 3) <inoff>
  4. Retirement (adult humor)
  5. Scurrilous Colonel Bogey Lyrics
  6. HUMOR - Eat all you want!
  7. New York City Rats
  8. Humor: Offensive to elected officials
  9. Humor - Robot Wrestling
 10. mildly suggestive
 11. Church humor
 12. sick prostitute joke
 13. NATIONAL CONDOM MONTH SLOGANS

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Date:    Mon, 25 Aug 1997 05:22:15 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Strange but True

*   People tend to forget that surveys and such have been around for
  many years, even the telephone call-in type.  Back in the 60's a
  local radio station in Baltimore Maryland had a popular "talk show"
  and a daily listener survey.
    The question on one day concerned "retransigence".  The announcer
  went on to explain how both Congress and the Senate were pretty much
  divided on whether or not this should be part of our foreign policy.
    He requested the listeners to vote either "for" or "against" using
  retransigence in our relations with other countries.
    While I don't recall the numbers, I do remember it was at least 3
  to 1 in favor of the policy with about 1,000 or so people voting.
    Problem was, it was April Fool's Day, and not only that, there's no
  such word as "retransigence" anyway.
    Scary... huh ?
                                - - - - -

*   A politician running for the Senate had been discharged from a mental
  hospital.  He based his entire campaign on the slogan, "I'm the only
  candidate with papers proving he's not crazy."  Guy won by a landslide.
                                - - - - -

*   The White House was undergoing one of its periodic piecemeal repairs.
  President Coolidge was advised that the rafters in the attic had to be
  replaced because the timbers were charred from the fire the British had
  set in 1814.  He was asked whether to use wood, or expensive steel.
    Without a moment's pause, the President said "Use steel and bill the
  King of England."
                                - - - - -

*   During one campaign stop, President Clinton was asked a leading
  question, probably by a ringer in the crowd, the answer would obviously
  reflect poorly on the other candidates.
    He smiled and said, "I've never campaigned on anybody's shortcomings.
  I try to get elected on my own."  (the rest of course, is history)


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Aug 1997 13:14:26 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The temp <clean but uncharacteristically long>

This is an actual phone conversation I had, a few months ago, with a
temporary secretary in Pretoria, South Africa.

Moi: "Hello Erica, this is Maurice. May I speak to Danie, please?"
      (Note: outside of Italy, I nearly always use Maurice, instead of
       Maurizio, as the latter usually ends up being pronounced as
       Morizzo, Mirasso, Maritzo, etc.)
Secretary: "Oh, hello, Erica is on vacation. I am the temp. Mr.
            Badenhorst (that's Danie) is out of the office. May I ask
            him to call you back?"
M: "That would be nice."
Sec: "Can you spell your name for me, please?"
M: "Sure. It's Maurice, like Maurice Chevalier and then..."
Sec: "Ok, I got Maurice. How do you spell Chevalier?"
M: "You don't need to spell Chevalier."
Sec: "Why not?"
M: "Because it's just an example." (You moron).
Sec: "But you said it was your name." (You jerk)
M: "No, what I was trying to say is that my name is Maurice, like
    Maurice Chevalier and then Mariotti."
Sec: "Your name is Maurice Chevalier and then what??"
M: "Look, can we do it from the beginning?"
Sec: "It's Ok, Mr. Chevalier, I think I got it. If you just leave me
      your telephone number, I'll tell Mr. Badenhorst that you have
      called."
M: "All right (I give up),  here's my number....

The following day....
Ring, ring...

M: "Hello?"
Danie: "Hello, Maurice, I got your message and recognized your
        telephone number, but why did you leave your name as Shivali?
        Were you trying to pass yourself off as an Indian?"
M: "Hi Danie. Actually, it's not Shivali. It's supposed to be
    Chevalier."
D: "You left your name as Maurice Chevalier???"
M: "It's a long story, Danie. Can I tell you some other time?"
D: "All right, but you do have a strange sense of humour..."
M: "I do?"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Aug 1997 08:29:28 -0400
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: More church bulletin bloopers (part 3) <inoff>

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir

Hymn 43: "Great God, What Do I See Here?"
Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! An Awful Voice Is Sounding"

(on a church bulletin during the minister's ilness)
GOD IS GOOD
Dr. Hargreaves is better

Potluck supper: Prayer and medication to follow

Don't let worry kill you off--let the church help

The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11

Pastor is on vacation.  Massages can be given to church secretary

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones

The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join
the choir

Please join us as we show our suport for Amy and Alan in preparing for the
girth of their first child

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm.  Please use large double door at the side
entrance

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Aug 1997 08:31:18 -0400
From:    Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Retirement (adult humor)

My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout

Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing

It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave

Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Aug 1997 12:35:22 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: Scurrilous Colonel Bogey Lyrics

Hitler, has only got one ball
Goering has two, but very small
Himmler has something sim'lar
And poor old Goebells
Has no balls at all.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Aug 1997 08:03:47 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR - Eat all you want!

Anyone accustomed to eating in American restaurants is familiar with the
bowls of mint candies near the restaurant exit. These bowls typically have
spoons in them to allow people to pick up the candies although some persons
use their fingers instead of using the spoon. Some recent research involving
chemical analysis of candy samples from such bowls has shown the samples to
include some of the same chemicals found in urine. Draw your own conclusions
and continue to eat the candies if you will.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Aug 1997 12:06:33 -0400
From:    Joydeep Mitra <mitra@AECOM.YU.EDU>
Subject: New York City Rats

You will be pleased to learn that there are more rats
in New York than people:  28 million to 7.5 million.
Official estimates of rats in NYC ranges from 7 - 28 million!
(Source: recent news on TV, print media,.....)

The NY City office is going to spend $8,000,000 over the next 5 years to
fix the above ratio of NYC people vs. NY Rats.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Aug 1997 13:01:01 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor: Offensive to elected officials

Dear Special Interest,
Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government
Official[tm]. With regular maintenance your Government
Official[tm] should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart
deals, insider information, preferential legislation and other
fine services.  Before you begin using your product, we would
appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this
customer service card. This information will not be sold to any
other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better
fulfilling your future needs in political influence.

1. Which of our fine products did you buy?
__ President
__ Vice-President
__ Senator
__ Congressman
__ Governor
__ Cabinet Secretary  - Commerce
__ Cabinet Secretary  - Other
__ Other Elected Official (please specify)
__ Other Appointed Official (please specify)

2. How did you hear about your Government Official[tm]?
   (Please check all that apply)
__ TV ad.
__ Magazine / newspaper ad.
__ Shared jail cell with.
__ Former law partner of.
__ Unindicted co-conspirator with.
__ Arkansas crony of.
__ Procured for.
__ Related to.
__ Recommended by lobbyist.
__ Recommended by organized crime figure.
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (On Internet.)
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (Elsewhere.)
__ Spoke at fundraiser at my temple.
__ Solicited bribe from me.
__ Attempted to seduce me.

3. How do you expect to use your Government Official[tm]?
   (Please check all that apply)
__ Obtain lucrative government contracts.
__ Have my prejudices turned into law.
__ Obtain diplomatic concessions.
__ Obtain trade concessions.
__ Have embargo lifted from own nation / ally.
__ Have embargo imposed on enemy / rival nation / religious infidels.
__ Obtain patronage job for self / spouse / mistress.
__ Forestall military action against self / allies.
__ Instigate military action against internal enemies / aggressors /
   targets for future conquest.
__ Impede criminal / civil investigation of self / associates / spouse.
__ Obtain pardon for self / associates / spouse.
__ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies / rivals / hated ethnic
   groups.
__ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors / environmental
   exploiters / capitalist pigs.

4. What factors influenced your purchase?
   (Please check all that apply)
__ Performance of currently owned model.
__ Reputation.
__ Price.
__ Appearance.
__ Party affiliation.
__ Professed beliefs of Government Official[tm].
__ Actual beliefs of Government Official[tm].
__ Orders from boss / superior officer / foreign government.
__ Blackmail.
__ Celebrity endorsement.

5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned
   Government Official[tm]? ______
   If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing
   models.

__ Excessive operating / maintenance costs.
__ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.
__ Defect in current model:
        __ Dead.
        __ Senile.
        __ Indicted.
        __ Convicted.
        __ Resigned in disgrace.
        __ Switched parties / beliefs.
        __ Outbribed by competing interest.

Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: in choosing a
Government Official[tm] you have chosen the best politician that
money can buy.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Aug 1997 15:54:35 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Robot Wrestling

          Robots hit the mat for Japanese wrestling tournament.

 TOKYO (AP) (c) -- They were more likely to beep than grunt, and oil was
used for greasing joints rather than limbering limbs. But what the
wrestlers lacked in muscle they made up for in technical prowess.

 More than 100 robots clanked into the ring Saturday to fight it out for
top honors in the opening rounds of the two-day Robot Wrestling Festival in
Kawasaki, just south of Tokyo.

 Coaches shouted at ringside as robot operators frantically manipulated the
machines by remote-control. But the swarm of spectators that filled the
arena was more likely to break down in laughter than root for favorites.

 There were no weight categories in the competition, but the organizers did
require the robots to be less than 35 centimeters (89 inches) front to back
and 25 centimeters (63.5 inches) wide. Winners will be announced Sunday.

 Otherwise, the inventors were granted complete freedom of design as long
as their robots had something resembling arms and legs.

 The laissez-faire attitude showed: One entry went into battle sporting a
green-and-yellow wig. Another, more on the vicious side, shot out
scorpion-like pincers that sent opponents crashing to the canvas.

 "You need to prepare powerful arms for the robot. You also have to be very
good at control. Then, you can make it," said robot-manager Yusuke Kimura.

 By the end of Saturday's qualifying round, it was clear that sleek design
mattered less than simple, good machinery.

 One promising machine that looked like a metallic jellyfish was easily
knocked over by a brutal uppercut from a graceless bundle of erector-set
parts and wires.

 Mechanical failures generated lots of laughs. Many robots simply appeared
to cower in their corners, and when both contestants sputtered about
avoiding contact the one that made it furtherest into the ring was awarded
the match.

 Competitions like this one are regular fare in a country that treats its
robots with respect and affection. Japanese TV regularly features robot
contests which test abilities ranging from basketball free throws to
household cleaning. A robot soccer tournament featuring a team developed by
Carnegie Mellon University is being held this month in the central city of
Nagoya.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Aug 1997 17:43:16 -0400
From:    Gail Katz <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: mildly suggestive

Seymour was broke.  The only job he could find was selling dildos door to
door.  By a stroke of luck, the first three doors were opened by gorgeous
women, who each purchased a dildo.
"This is alot easier than I thought, " said Seymour.  "Why, I only need to
sell one more dildo and I've made my quota and I can go home today.  It's
only 11:30 am!  What a job!"
Sure enough, the next home he went was occupied by a striking woman who kept
asking him to increase the size of the dildo.  Finally he showed her a large
bright silver-tipped model and she bought it for $125.00.
Seymour promptly headed home.  His wife greeted him at the door.  When she
wanted to know why he was home so early on the first day of his job, Seymour
declared, "This job is great.  I sold 3 dildos and my new thermos!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Aug 1997 20:10:32 -0500
From:    Anne Watters <PURPLE1@WEBTV.NET>
Subject: Church humor

This really happenned in my church.  During the call for healing, the
Pastor said "Mrs. Turner sprained her ankle.  Let us hold up her leg in
prayer."


www.nzdances.co.nz/hosted/brain/story/anne.htm

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Aug 1997 19:30:54 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: sick prostitute joke

Q: Why do prostitutes make more money than drug dealers?
A: A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Aug 1997 19:30:57 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: NATIONAL CONDOM MONTH SLOGANS

NATIONAL CONDOM MONTH SLOGANS

1) Cover your stump before you hump
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud you spout
5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize
11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12) If you go into heat, package your meat
13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18) The right selection, is to protect your erection
19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
20) A crank with armor, will never harm her
21) If you really love her, wear a cover
22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake
23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
25) No glove, no love
26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye
27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver
28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax
29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt
30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown
31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam
32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground
35) Cloak the joker before you poke her
36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch
37) Cape your throbber before you bob her
38) After detection sheath your erection
39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate
40) Don't surprise her plug your Geyser
41) Cover that lumber before you pump her
42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle
44) House your noodle then release your strudel
45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey
47) Cage that snake then shake and bake
48) Cover your peter it will be much neater
49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore
50) It's always funky to cage your monkey

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End of HUMOR Digest - 25 Aug 1997 to 26 Aug 1997
************************************************
